The time has come for me to say goodbye to TER and my “secret life”. For those who may remember my earlier posts about the fallout when I got careless and allowed the S.O. to find incriminating evidence of my misdeeds, I wish you all better luck. Though it has been about six months since that fateful night, I was only able to keep my vow of fidelity for about half that time. With the physical relationship with the wife atrophied down to a peck on the cheek each morning, I soon found myself back on these pages scouring for someone to indulge my semi-monthly “pay as you go” intimacy. As the novelty wore off, however, I found it harder to maintain the fantasy in the face of the litany of “rules”, faked moans, not so subtle hints that “Your time is up, sugar” and the ever-present white envelope. I was starting to feel worse after a session than I did without one. It really hit home this week when I had lunch with a close friend who remarked at how great sex remained with his wife after 24 years of marriage. He acknowledged that his wife wasn’t really into things like raunchy costumes and porn, but that she would indulge because she knew that he was excited by them. Then for the next two hours, over a panini and a couple of glasses of wine, I spilled my guts. For the first time, I told another person of the state of my marriage and participation in the “hobby”. He was both comforting and insightful but what struck me most was finally understanding that sex was only a small part of my need. What I have been seeking – in the guise of a lovely smile, a pair of responsive breasts and warm thighs – is genuine acceptance. Not isolated passion but lasting compassion. Someone who will embrace and love me for me, as flawed and defective as I am and will always be. Thus, the hobby cannot fulfill those needs and can hold no real pleasure for me. My other realization is that I don’t have the stomach nor the energy for a divorce. So I will slowly build another porn stash and try to be the best father, husband, friend, etc. that I can be. Perhaps my wife will never agree to therapy but I will seek it on my own. Thanks to all the wonderful ladies whom I have met (some of whom will recognize me despite the alias) , thanks to the thoughtful contributors on the board and even to the few ROB’s that I have encountered (may the karma you have wrought go easy on you all). Regardless of our spiritual beliefs, the fact is that our time in this life is but a mere moment. Loving others wholly and unselfishly is the only true gemstone of a life, everything else are just rocks.
I wish you the best of everything life has to offer.
Hopefully the So will see you are serious and agree to go with you to therapy, if not let us hope she can see you have changed and want to renew your vows of love, friendship, marriage etc.
Once you have been in therapy for say 8 month or so and IF the SO has truly worked as you will to accept you and your change take her on a trip, say a second honeymoon and leave the little ones with someone both of you trust for a week.
And learn as I and many others have to look without being caught, there is a way you can do that because no matter how hard you try and how good you become the female anotomy draws the eye.
Some of what you've written could apply to me. Although it was unintended, thank you for the "food for thought." Good luck to you, and don't give up trying to find love. Maybe it will find you.
Just a bit of insight here...
All women get paid for it. Just imagine how your relationship with your SO would be if you decided that you would stop working.
This is not to say that all women are prostitutes (as if I thought that's a bad thing in any case), but that everybody will make an effort to meet their personal needs and desires. Regardless of if a woman gets paid directly (a provider) or indirectly (a wife whose husband pays the bills), she needs to be able to eat and buy other basic necessities, and she is going to want some of the finer things in life. If you think that is selfish, you will live an unhappy life.
One of these days, the rest of the women out there will figure out that they should be better in bed than any provider... and it should be easy for them, since they have so much time to learn exactly what their man likes. But we are a country of prudes, and most women think they are "better than" having primal, lustful sex... even though every man here wishes his SO would treat him like that on occasion. No man (in his right mind) would be here if his SO praised him for his hard work, both verbally and physically. That's the "genuine acceptance" that you are looking for. Your SO obviously didn't give you that. Perhaps some counseling will get her to see the light, but don't forget that the person doing the counseling might be a total idiot.
Considering the other side, we men have to do our part in a relationship as well. That means being a different kind of provider. Providing money is one aspect (very few women will stay with a man who earns less than she does), but there is also providing her with "acceptance". I can't speak well for women, but they have their needs that only a man can fulfill.
So, I hope you both find a good counselor. Pick up that book "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom". Read it. Then, if the counselor doesn't like the book, find another counselor. And if she won't go to the counselor, find another SO.
BTW, your friend's wife sounds like she's figured it all out... and hence the 24 great years. I bet your friend works hard to keep her happy too.
......of a litany of “rules”, faked moans, not so subtle hints that “Your time is up, sugar” and the ever-present white envelope."
I reached a point like this 2yrs ago and stopped seeing full time escorts and started seeing semi pro's (part time escorts) and I've not looked back. These hidden gems (part time escorts) are out there and are more difficult to find. Time is not a factor, alot more cuddling, talking. All this for a very reasonable price.
-- Modified on 10/2/2005 5:46:19 AM
I agree. You can find anything you want in this hobby, even love. One of of my atfs is sort of a failed escort in the sense that she just is not business savvy enough to be an escort. She sees just a few people and spends hours with me, makes me dinner and loves sex. I've met her friends and her family. I've been in and out of love with her, but we keep trucking along as a couple of friends with paid benefits. I guess she is like a paid girlfriend. She is not as skilled as a full time escort and will not do certain things, but I can always go to my other more escort like atfs for that. Just seek and you will find.
First, a life w/o introspection is a bit wasted so go knowing that you have hashed it around the old noodle and yes, it will never be what you want. 90.9% of these ladies are emotionally unavailable; they do this for money and not because need some guy performing DATY on them or because you are good looking and have a big cock. What we like about most of them is their sexual freedom and their ability to take us places that SOs, Wives, and GFs either can't or won't. The moans, the fake O's and any of the other jabber are just ways for her to get through the session. Every man she meets wants to be her boyfriend, take her out to dinner, save her etc., and she loves to hear that but knows that the next guy might be the ONE and will not allow you to get closer than you already are. You see it's a double-edged phemomena. These ladies learn to take the emotion out of sex because it's bad for the money end of things. Surely the next guy will have more money, a bigger cock, look better etc...She also wants to get rescued but the irony of that is like you are feeling, it mostly never comes. This is only about falling for her for an hour or two. If you were ever looking for more (yes, it happens) then it's as close to chasing fools gold as you'll ever get. Believe me, while a sexless, lifeless marriage must be it's own hell, chasing the dream that one of these ladies is going to change all that is about as bereft as the joyless marriage you seem to be in. So hear this if you want. You have but one life to live and that one is experienced mostly alone. Don't allow yourself to mortgage your soul for another person no matter how much it hurts. You see, there is a price in this life and you'll pay either way. We pay for getting what we want or we pay for not getting it. Good luck!
I try to discuss issues with my own opinion and I don't much care whether people agree, but the only criteria for this mostly faceless board is that people be honest in what they think and believe.
I was faithful, but to someone who was unappreciative and abusive (verbally and physically on more than on occasion). I only hope that you spouse is not abusive. If not, I guess you have chosen this path. If she is, you should consider the divorce - it has led to 1) a better relationship with my kids, 2) improved my standing in the community and 3) kept me from doing "stupid" things.
I would also caution you about the "stash of porn" - to some women, my ex included, that is as bad as seeing providers. And I thought I was alone in that, until I met with my lawyer. She set me straight on that.
This weekend - I was with two lovly ladies (no, not providers) who, if ever I was to go legit - they could get me to do it! they are lovely people, fun and they make me laugh!
All I have to say is good luck to you, and as a friend said to me, marriage - if done correctly - should not feel like a job.
best
I hear ya, brother! My first marriage lasted 20 years with ever-declining rates and quality of sex (and not that it was that great, ever -- and she was my first, having married at 18). Turns out, as Seinfeld would say, she was meant to bat for the other team. I still love her and we are close. Then I sowed some wild oats at age 40 for a few years and met my current wife. We're now married for 10 years. The sex is always good, though it's become a bit routine. But the frequency of mutual sex and the freely offered HJ or BJ has declined steadily over time from daily sex to weekly or less, and none of the other unless I ask or suggest it. She knows I need to orgasm daily. She also knows I was a hobbyist during my last marriage. So here I am again, just starting out and grateful for resources like TER which didn't exist in the pre-web days. I agree with you that hobbying is no replacement for relationship sex. It can run from hot to not, and from cold to warm, depending on the provider. If you feel worse after a session than before, that's a good reason to quit. I see the hobby as something that will help me continue with a great relationship that isn't as sexual as I need. I'm not likely to go often because I live in a small town without providers, and really can't afford to go weekly anyhow. But I travel for business a lot and that's when I go. All the more reason I value TER as I need to seek new people everywhere.