Late breaking news not covered in W's news conference !! Glad I finally graduated !!! lol voyager1
US Foreign Policy Hurting Americans Chances of Getting Laid Abroad...


AMSTERDAM-American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.

"I've been in Amsterdam for two months and have yet to begin a conversation with a cute girl that hasn't ended in a lecture about how big, evil America is taking everyone's oil," said college sophomore Brad Higgs, a participant in Johns Hopkins University's study-abroad program. "I offer to buy them a drink, and they tell me I shouldn't just stand by and watch Bush destroy the world. Look, if I had that type of pull with the president, I obviously wouldn't be out trolling for anonymous Dutch pussy."

The report, released Monday by the Center For U.S.-International Casual Relations, was based on interviews with approximately 1,400 American students returning from abroad. According to study director Gilbert Hapbrook, sexual contact between American students and foreigners has declined steadily since January 2001.

"Unpopular military actions and dismissal of international organizations have galvanized world hostility toward the U.S.," Hapbrook said. "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."

Hapbrook said the 2004 overseas-coitus figures show a slight recovery from the all-time low reached in November 2002, after the Afghanistan invasion and during escalating conflict with Iraq. But the figures are still well below those of 1999, when Bill Clinton was in office and a very healthy 67 percent of respondents scored abroad.

"I'm in Amsterdam-Amsterdam, for Christ's sake-and I'm in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember," Higgs said. "Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, 'Why won't your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?'"

University of Colorado junior Casey Knight recently arrived in Amsterdam after a month in Germany.

"I asked a group of German girls at some Eurotrash disco to dance and they started yelling at me," Knight said. "They said that by paying taxes to the American government, I am no better than a fascist. Well, they would know, I guess."

Above: A recent anti-American protest in Paris.

Even students who actively oppose President Bush are susceptible to criticism, according to Emily Biehn, a Duke University student spending her spring semester in Paris.

"I voted for Kerry and I marched against the Iraq war," Biehn said. "But when I got to Europe, I might as well have been wearing a Bush bumper sticker on my forehead and star-spangled cowboy boots. As soon as the French guys hear I am from the U.S., all they want to do is argue politics."

"And switching tactics and acting like you're totally apathetic about politics just pisses them off even more," Biehn added.

Acknowledging that a large-scale change in American foreign policy is unlikely to occur before the end of the current semester, Hapbrook recommended three tactics for American students frustrated in their attempts to bed foreigners.

"First, pretend you're Canadian whenever you can," Hapbrook said. "But make sure you're not around actual Canadians, because they'll know you're lying and cock-block you. Second, if there are any anti-American protests going on, take care to avoid women carrying signs. Third, focus your itinerary on countries like Ireland and Japan that are still relatively friendly to Americans."

"You may want to write off France altogether," Hapbrook added.

Hapbrook said he developed his tactics in 1983, when the American government was practicing hardline Cold War foreign policy and he was spending his junior year abroad.

Higgs, who spends most of his time in his hostel playing solitaire and watching DVDs on his laptop computer, urged students back home to write to their congressional representatives.

"This affects all of us," Higgs said. "The government has to acknowledge the needs of young Americans. Too many U.S. citizens in foreign lands are spending sleepless, lonely nights jerking off in increasingly filthy sleeping bags. It sucks."










-- Modified on 4/29/2005 12:19:52 PM

-- Modified on 4/29/2005 12:22:05 PM

I'll sort them out and stop them whining!

The Bush Administration suppressed this study prior to the election because Rove was convinced the pussy factor would put Kerry on top.

I doubt their problem is that they are Americans. The French at least don't have a history of being too discriminating in their affections, the French ladies tried to love the Germans to death in WW2. Maybe the current group of students need to lower the elevation of their snouts and see if that helps.

Please support this fellowship program designed to assist in the rehabilitation of US students unable to get laid due to the Bush foreign policy.Will be funded by funds from homeland security. Carrie_of_London will be the lead faculty member in this erotic rehab program. Advanced degrees offered. Carrie is an expert in handling the anti us post traumatic stress syndrome.



-- Modified on 4/29/2005 1:01:51 PM

-- Modified on 4/29/2005 1:24:47 PM

I have excellent credentials, a long and illustrious work history and top-notch references.  I also take a personal, in-depth approach to interviewing, coaching and maintaining candidates for professorial and other positions.

Please let me know, I'll be happy to send you my cv.  Thank you.  

GDC, PhD in Lesbian Studies

GiDC, impressive CV but I will have to insist on an indepth interview and some practical exams.  It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it x

In fact, I insist on a thorough interviewing examination by any of your interested female colleagues.  

I fully believe in the importance of testing one's educational credentials to ensure the highest quality of instruction available to eager and interested students.

Yours most sincerely,
GirlinDC, M.D. in female physiology

they dislike people who don't understand satire?

So are you saying that Kerry is a pussy, or that Bush/Rove hate pussy?  Politics has gotten sooo confusing.

Carrie_of_London will designate the members of the search committee. Your CV will be carefully reviewed and you will be asked to demonstrate your prowess. This is an endowed chair that requires careful review. xoxoxo the search committee

I'm saying that Bush and Blair have taken bi-lateral relations between our 2 countries to new heights.