Or for anyone that wants to answer...
I've been lurking here for awhile now and I'm a single lady that has been thinking about getting into the business. Maybe in the new year but I'm not sure yet.... Anyway, here's the question,
If your SO or wife was more sexual and did the things you enjoyed would that change your hobby? Or, even if she was everything you wanted, would you continue to do it? I'm curious because I've always been very sexual and open minded with my SO's in the past and I felt pretty sure they weren't cheating. However, with my last relationship I was sick (better now) and couldn't really give a lot in that area and I found out he cheated a few times. It's more out of curiosity that I ask because I love learning what makes people tick.
Thanks!
there are many men that get more than they need at home - Hard to believe but, it doesnt mean they love their wives any less-
As for the ones that dont get any companionship at home, Its probably what is making their marriages last, if you can understand that..
Many men will agree with me here, just as many will not agree with me , it isnt the sex they seek out ... It's the companionship - we are kinda like really cheap psychiatrists sometimes... LOL
edited to put this link in..
This was just discussed in the thread below-
http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewmsg.asp?MessageID=239672&boardID=12&page=1
Its the thrill - its the variety- its no strings attached - its freedom - its no nagging - Its a diversion..
-- Modified on 1/8/2008 2:04:05 PM
I agree except not for the companionship**
love my wife
its the thrill for me
...alot of it is the companionship. I have known many men, married and single, who simply seek out a friend that they can enjoy things with, both intimately, and less often, publicly. But its simply because they need a companion with whom they share a great chemestry, are attracted to, and who treats them good, always taking care of them, shares similar interest, but who knows their bounderies, and who doesnt have any real ties to them outside of a friendship (in often varying degrees) and a financial arrangement. This works great for many, knowing that they can end or begin it at anytime, with very little hassle, or hurt feelings; they can have their pick of ladies, whatever shape, size, age, color that they should so choose; they know that their physical attributes, and personal characteristics arent really under heavy scrutiny (basic rules of civil interaction of course apply), basically that they arent being judged or sized up, either. Its really a much more comfortable, convenient experience, often more than can be found at home, even.
I know also, there is a large percentage of those who simply dont wish to ask it of their wives, but they absolutely adore them, just the same. Maybe they arent a very open couple, not feeling comfortable enough to say to one another: "honey, I want you"; or "lets stay in tonight"... some are afrid to explore their fantasies, or share their desires, and some dont even go out on dates, or do anything that would rev up their sexual need for one another, yet they still are very much in love. Sometimes wives can feel, and thus make a man feel, like they have gone passed that point in their relationship, because the kids are grown and they are winding down in life, so they grow more to be friends and the spark dies out. But its commonly known, that due greaty to our bodies natural hormonal path, women tend to peter out before men do. That isnt to say all women are like that... but it is what our bodies tell us to do! And often a man in his 50s is still in his sexual prime. So out of respect for his wife, and the love he has for her, he chooses to find an outside source of fun. Which I see no harm in whatsoever.
Also there are those, mind you, who feel like their needs exceed what should be asked of a wife. It can be something so simple as oral experience, which I have a great many who have never even had it, because their wives were raised in an era or household where that simply wasnt done; or can be a simple facial, or anal, or even lofty wish, like dressing them in womens panties and flogging them! Any way, out of respect or fear of detrimental affect on their lives together, its something they would be too embarassed or scared to ask of their beloveds...
I hope that helps!
Dani
Dani, You make some very good points. The one that I haven't mentioned myself, but really stuck with me is that, often I'm reluctant to ask my partner to act out my sexual fantasies and desires out of fear that she will lose respect for me. It's difficult to maintain a committed relationship when one loses respect for the other.
Great uninhibited sex, ego gratification, good talk (including psychotherapy sometimes), breaking taboos, getting out of the house, a nice massage, variety, to name but a few.
Some gals excell at some more than others, but hobbying is a very multifaceted experience.
Can not speak for others but, it took me 22 years of a marriage sexually sparse before recently starting. If my wife had retained some of the sexuality and drive she had shown in years prior I'd not know about this site or any reason to know of it.
Luvs, you asked an excellent question. I can only speak of my own experience.
I have been married 30+ years. My wife is one of those who is everyone's best friend. She is very smart, very pretty, hard working, and one of the best mothers I have ever seen.
I would say my sexual desires and those of my wife are and always have been at the opposite end of the spectrum.
I tried everything I could, including asking her to see a counselor with me to try to become more mutually pleased by our sex life but to no avail. She just seemed the type who was brought up to think sex was for procreation and was the woman's "duty".
A few years ago she discovered she had cancer. Fortunately, she seems in total remission and is in excellent health. However, it seems that after her bout with cancer, she no longer felt it necessary to do things she didn't want to do (including love making). That pretty much ended our sex life.
In my experience, had I had a satisfactory sex life within my marriage, I seriously doubt I would be involved as I am now in the hobby.
The amazing thing with me though, is after so many years of rejection one begins to doubt their own worth and ability, even though one may be very successful in their professional career. Now, I have been able to realize many of those experiences I dreamed of so long as an adult man.
Today in fact was one of those incredible days.
I also had cancer but am doing great now. It did have an effect on my sex life but now that it's been a few years I'm almost back to how I was before. It's a mix of emotional and physical that makes it hard. I'm glad that you seem to find what works for you both. That's always what it's about...what works for each person.
My sex life with my SO is good. In fact, too good. I sometimes have to say I am too tired or have a headache.
I will also admit that Most of the providers I see are under 30, and my SO is, well, a little older.
But married guys hobby for a lot of different reasons. Some of us just want the chance to sample a different lady and then go home to our wives or SO's. Some are holding on to a bad relationship for whatever reason and the ladies we see may be the only sex we get...and yes, some guys just want the BBBJ that they can't get at home!
I love my wife and our sex is just so so.
I dated my wife for five years and married her right out of college. Before her, I probably had sex with 5 other women. So my experience was very limited.
I turned 50 this year and realized that Of all the things I wished I could do before kicking the bucket, I wished for more sex with more women. Simple enough.
I have to agree with momoepez. My motivation is that there are experiences that are not going to happen at home, no matter what. I made the decision to step outside for the first time in my life just over a year ago, in my 50s.
You can't just say all men cheat. I'd never cheated or really looked at other women when I was in a relationship. No even when my first wife was caught cheating.
I saw in an ad: "I'll do what you wife / GF won't". Exactly.
When I first started in the hobby, about two years ago, it was for the sex. My relationship at home is wonderful, except that there is no sex. (My wife had medical issues) After seeing a few ladies, I was very pleasantly surprised with the quality of the companionship that was being offered. I guess I've been fortunate with the ladies I've seen. With only a couple of exceptions, my dates have been just that-dates! So, now I continue for both the sex and the companionship, and of course, a little spice and variety.
All the answers above apply to those who give them.
In my case it is more along the lines of what Ciara said- just took me awile to figure it out.
Been married 24 years without cheating. Finally after ten years of no ability to talk and share at all due to increasing argumentativeness and friction combined with five years of no sex, I discovered TER and started hobbying.
Took me only a short while to realize that while the sex is a blast, I am as completely satisfied getting it from one compatible person as I am from many, but was really missing someone to "connect" with. It's altering my hobby pattern- the new visits have stopped and the ones I really connect with have continued.
GB, I am fascinated by this dynamic, but I think I get it. IT's just too bad you have to stay locked into that marriage, and can't go find someone to connect with.
I just think you'd be happier if you moved on, but I understand kids, finances the works, I think I'd just be extra miserable at home if you had to do that, but I respect what your doing.
I just learn from it, I'd never put myself in that situation ...
-M
For better or worse, there are a lot of reasons why unhappy married men or women for that matter stay in the marriage.. not necessarily good ones, but nevertheless valid for that person! It can be kids, finances as you said, religious beliefs, path of least resistance, many things.
The most important thing is that guys like me take responsibility for the decision and not lay the blame elsewhere- otherwise we fail to recognize that it is actually a decision! Once you get to that point, then it is also a choice... and once you get to that point, you are really free if you wish to be.
Now... why do I stay in chains....... lol? Perhaps my hobbying will eventually lead to me addressing that!
Anything you can learn from it to prevent, I wholeheartedly encourage, mminanton!
Golden, your response detailed my marriage almost to a T. In a way, it is enlightening to find I am not alone in my condition.
I must also note, I try to read every response on the threads by the ladies so I can get a better understanding of their thoughts on various issues.
There are a few guys who are so experienced and so articulate that I try to read all their posts also for their insight.
Your posts are among those I always try to read.
I married my first wife at age 21,had 3 kids, was faithful for 19 years. I found her attractive and the sex was great up until the last 4 years. I re-married about 2 years latter; big mistake, and the sex was so so, but I remained faithful until the marriage blew up. Remarried, shortly after that. I find her very attractive and the sex is very good when we have it. The main obstacle for me remaining faithful is that she is so inhibited. What I find so endearing about my ATF is that she wears her birthday suit like a business suit, fine evening gown, or a comfortable pair of jeans. She is just so comfortable in her skin and she delights in me viewing her, feeling her, tasting her in as many ways as possible. If I had that with my wife I would be more likely to be completely faithful. However, that being said, with being nearly 60, and one more step toward kicking the bucket any day, it would still be very tempting to sample those beautiful 20 and 30 year olds. One attractive young lady, recently, while we were getting dressed after our frolicking, passed her hand over my chest and stomach, and remarked how great I looked. Like the credit card commercial says, "priceless."
I think there are many men with experiences similar to mine. My first marriage lasted 15 years. The main reason for the breakup was disagreements over childrearing and finances. I did no hobbying, until near the end when I felt a very strong urge for new experiences -- not for an affair but the hobby. My ex and I are good pals now. She's still gorgeous for her age and remarried. I'm still in my second marriage after many years and more children, and it will last despite the inevitable ups and downs. I re-entered the hobby a couple of years ago because marital passions had cooled, although the rest of the relationship is strong. In both situations, after long periods of non-hobbying, I felt a strong need for outside stimulation, not an affair and not just sex but the interactions with warm, new women friends, with no entangling complications. I have a number of men friends, old and new, whose friendship I cherish, but the company of women is more stimulating -- the game never gets boring. I haven't regretted my re-entries for one minute, and my present marriage is better for it, although my wife doesn't know (yet). Wives are not unobservant and the risk of discovery is always there, even though I try to be discreet. I don't like inherent decitfulness, but the alternatives are worse, and I try to make up for it in other ways. Hobbying helps to keep my outlook on an even keel, at a good level of overall contentment.
He could've written my story. Just turned 50. Good, stable marriage but with so-so sex. Recently started working out and getting in shape. From there it was a quick step to realizing I could pretty easily make sex with young, desirable women a reality.
For me it's definitely not about the companionship but about the sex. My life is full of good relationships. But I do enjoy the women I've met.
I'm sure if you go into the business you're going to find a wide range of needs. Good luck.
I would not hobby if I was in love with my wife. Hell, I would settle for her just not being a bitch. I would not hobby if I were single either - can't understand why a single guy would do this, unless he still lives with his parents or drives a wheel chair.
So for me it is a matter of love, THEN sexuality. If I had a darling woman that wasn't very sexual or kinky, I'm not sure I could do it.
If you have ever seen American Beauty, I'm Lester to a tee.
Let me know when you start providing. My door is always open.
I'm a single guy, and I hobby for 2 main reasons: sex and companionship. I want a civvie relationship, and although I don't have a girlfriend at the time, I date when I can. Just haven't found the right lady yet. I hobby when I can, I find it very enjoyable, but it doesn't replace dating.
And holeydiver I don't live with my parents or drive a wheelchair.
runningman , I was going to write a long response to what he said but it would just be
' how dare you judge a single man , when you are being unfaitful to your wife..' rant.. '
However, I agree with you. I'm sort of an LTR person myself, I don't like sleeping around (with non-providers..) and prefer relationships.
It doesn't replace dating, but it fulfills a need, and is not infidelity if you are a single man , for the record. Though it is illegal and immoral, choose your poisons. I find the former to trump the two aformentioned ; but who am I?
-M
mminanton said:
Though it is illegal and immoral...
I certainly can't argue that is illegal, at least in the US, but are you saying that this little hobby of ours is immoral under all circumstances?
The reason I ask is that I do not feel this way. I am single, never been married but have been a LTR kind of guy my whole life (in fact, never had a one night stand). Right now, I am choosing to go the provider route for a few reasons, not the least of which is the lack of complications and the incredible variety of wonderful women available.
Under my personal code of morals, there is nothing wrong with this. If I was in a long-term, committed relationship, I would have to re-consider. Short of that though, I say as long as no one is getting hurt, it is all good.
As you may have guessed, I am not a card-carrying member of any of the major religions.
If you are thinking of getting into "the business" you want them to cheat and spend their money on you... If you are asking if a woman were to give more sex would men not stray? I say it depends. That is one possibility.
I would guess there as many reasons to hobby as there are men who do... lol
I had mine... it was all made up like any justification. Anytime we are out of integrity it is usually some made up reason we justify it with.
because the responsibility is yours, not hers. And as this interesting thread shows clearly, people who hobby are not lacking in integrity or desperate for self-justifying absolution. Human nature is much too complex for such simplistic observations.
The only person you can blame when your life doesnt turn out the way you want is you. You always have a choice.
How someone reacts to you rarely has anything to do with you. So if this woman wants to know if someone will become more or less likely to cheat because of something they do... it is a fools folly kind of question.
Thanks everyone for your great replies. I really enjoy reading different opinions and getting to know different kinds of people and how they think. This forum is interesting because most people here are very open-minded (and that's not always easy to find). It's nice to see so many gentlemen here, too, because my biggest fear in getting involved is not to have respect from the men nor others that look down on it. If the men represented here are any indication of what is to be found then it would be easy to jump in.
but I don't remember cheating on my college girlfriend who put out multiple times a day (ah yes,the old days), was multi-orgasmic, and quite adventurous. When I was getting it regularly at home the only thing that I still yearned for was girl-girl action. And believe it or not I was able to find a couple of girls who put on a live show with no FS. Yes, you read that right--I was perfectly happy just watching. With that itch scratched every few months or so I was able to enjoy the regular sex life I then had at home (ah yes, the other old days).
...as much as I love women, if my wife showed any interest in me AT ALL, I wouldn't be here. There's a huge difference between doing it because you feel have to and doing it because you want to, and while we men can learn to deal with the former while "hobbying", at home it's heartbreaking.
-- Modified on 1/8/2008 7:21:51 PM
I'm a little surprised you are this way, too, since you write with such light hearted humor on this board.
...a little drunk: funny; really drunk: maudlin.
I need to learn to stop at the 12th beer and stay out of the cognac.
I have always been interested in getting to know different women more intimately. Maybe it's the variety thing mentioned above.
Many thoughtful answers have been given and I agree with many. When I started I thought it was only due to unhappiness at home. I have been married 15 years I am satisfied overall with my business and my life. I was simply unhappy that my wife cut her hair, gained 75 pounds, and used sex as a way of controlling me. However, after participating in the hobby for just a short time my position has evolved.
There is a dangerous component to the hobby. We are living on the edge so to speak. It brings some excitement into what would be a somewhat mundane middle aged mans existence. We all adults here and we know exactly what we are doing. We have rationalized this activity (at least to ourselves) so that we can live with our decision.
So, my evolution comes down to living a much more exciting life, having incredible sex with younger more attractive women, with total control over the selection process and what happens BCD. If we are being honest the hobby does not replace missing components of our real lives (sex, emotions, or intimacy). It simply brings our fantasies to life restrained only by our imagination and our budgets.
Sometimes you get to the point that it just isn't worth chasing anymore. At that point you settle in and enjoy what you can and go Hobby. It is fantasy, just sex, just a new body...... thanks to the ladies, most of them, who provide the service and thanks to the guys, most of them , who have for centuries supported this lifestyle.
If my wife did those things, I would not likely look for providers. However, that being said, the old saying goes - "show me a hot chick and I will show you a guy who is tired of fucking them"
My girlfriend currently lives 8 time zones away from me. If it were possible for us to be together, then I would not have started hobbying. However, I have not been able to feel her warmth, her touch, her loving embrace, and as such I have found visiting providers necessary to satisfy my needs.
I feel a little bit of guilt because I'm not being faithful to her in terms of physical love, but I am still completely there with her on an emotional level. I will saw that hobbying has helped me to maintain a degree of sanity that I felt I was losing before I began hobbying.
I am crazy for this girl, and so I plan to bring her back to the States one day, and at that point my need to see providers will probably run out.
I'm very surprised to find that I have suddenly become promiscuous in my mid 50's. Married, contentedly monogomous for 25 years - mostly content, some horrible years teetering on the brink of divorce with no sex for 5 years - but in recent years, happy with my marriage. Because of some health issues and age, hard for my wife to enjoy sex the way she did when we were younger. If she did, I would still be contentedly monogomous. This is a dilemma for me. I love my wife and want to stay married, but I need more sex than she can provide. Kind of stumbled in to this due to a recent chance encounter with a very persuasive young lady in a foreign country. I have since found that I really enjoy the intimate encounters with the beautiful young women I have met (you're all young to me), but I wouldn't do it if I could have frequent enough sex with my wife. I hope I can continue to have both my marriage and my wonderful, secret encounters until I'm too old for sex. And I hope that's a very long time.