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Confirm or Deny Cuckoldry - would you want to know?confused_smile
Who_is_You_Daddy 1874 reads
posted

Likely more appropriate for TLG in TEH, but wondering from a broader audience:

Would you want to know?

I'm 3years divorced after several years of fighting her mental illness, lies and infidelities, and a destructive spiral of substance abuse.  I have full-time custody of our teenage children, and realized with a bolt of clarity this week that one of the children has grown to strongly resemble an ex-neighbor.

A $100 DNA test using a cotton-swab of the mouth as the child sleeps would give the answer, an answer I would never share with them no matter which way it would go.

No test will change how I love the child, but there is this nagging thought eating at me....are they really the spawn of my seed?

What would YOU do?

 

-- Modified on 8/6/2007 11:29:13 AM

BizzaroSuperdude826 reads

but that does not mean that I cannot understand your concern - and the desire to answer unanswered questions.  Would I want to know?  Even knowing - would you feel any different towards the child.  That is the question you need to ask yourself.  It the answer is no, you would love the child the same - then don't do the test.... that unresolved question will stand as your testament to your love.  

If you think that it will matter - then I would say you need to reexamine all!  And I still would not get the test, but I would move.  Why?  to remove a constant reminder -and an "in your face" episode every day.... I've no doubt that you love the child....  but moving - may make it easier for you to accept the indescretion of your wife....  

And after all, it is the innocent child who would be hurt the most by this information existing - at all, not you.

I do wish you and the child well

-- Modified on 8/6/2007 12:25:28 PM

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keystonekid448 reads

you aren't visually reminded of the "possibility" each time you see him.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I wouldn't get the test done because if I got an answer I didn't like, I might shoot the SOB.

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jjackflash1204 reads

...was living near at the time that the child in question was conceived.

Now, as for what I'd do...I definitely would not attempt to swab the teenager's cheek while sleeping as he/she would definitely wake up and ask what the hell you're doing.  I would however, seek to find out discreetely by conversing with my doctor.  Perhaps, there is a legal way for the tests to be done without the teenager knowing what's going on (if the "teenager" is under 18) at his/her next physical.  I would want to know for a couple of reasons:

MEDICAL HISTORY (this stuff can be important, and it may present itself down the road in an awkward way...better to know than not know, I think).

PERSONAL SANITY (if you found out the teenager was your's, you'd save yourself A LOT of angst!  If you found out it wasn't your's, then at least you'd know and could begin to deal with it.  As everyone else has said, it wouldn't change my love for the teenager, it would just remove any lingering doubts).

And finally, if you did find out it was not your child you could seek revenge on your ex-neighbor if you so chose.  Me?  I would choose this option.  I've seen it in action.  A long time ago 2 of my neighbors who were married to others had an affair.  One was a real letch of a man who had a nice wife and 2 kids (around 10 and 4).  He had a nice new house, drove a new corvette and had a truck and bassboat.  The other was a real hot blonde married to the president of a successful company.  She was his 2nd wife (much younger, the epitome of a "trophy wife"), his kids were all grown and she had no children.  Well suffice it to say, when ol' "Mr. Presidentae" found out what was going on, he took action.  With proof of his wife's cheating, he bounced her ass out the door and she got nothing in the divorce.  And the other guy, well he ended up losing all his toys and picking up a nice expensive alimony and child support payment that he had to come up with.  Once the letch's wife remarried a wealthy & prominent attorney, Mr Presidentae played his ultimate hand.  He made a phone call to his ex-neighbor's employer.  Voila, ex-neighbor loses job, develops drug habit, and loses the the new wife he had married (a lucky stroke for her).  Yeah, I know this sounds like a page from J.R. Ewing's playbook, or maybe like a mafia play.  But this all happened.  And I realize karma may be a bitch for this guy, but I kinda doubt it.  His moves may have been a bit cold, but the guilty parties got what they deserved and "they did it to themselves".  Me?  I once missed up his basketball goal while he was away.  You bet your ass, I got it fixed before he ever found out.

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BizzaroSuperdude703 reads

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bakdorman563 reads

and a warm and cuddly answer no less from the big green monster, nicely put and I echo your sentiments.

If it doesn't matter why test?

-- Modified on 8/6/2007 5:36:57 PM

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Beret1092 reads

Also, someday you may have to answer some questions from your child and if you have the truth you have more choices. There is also the question of genetic history that could be important. If you are not the father and the other chap has some genetic mishaps it is only fair that you protect the child the best you can.
 But most of all, if you are wondering, find out. Just be clear how you will and will not use the information.
B

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Lex Luethor637 reads

Whether or not you love the child, you have a score to settle with him. How you settle that score is up to you, but I'd think long and hard about the amount of time and money you put into raising his genes and how you'll feel when mommy confesses of her own accord and the child decides to go find it's "real daddy" (they all do).

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BizzaroSuperdude473 reads

I spoke with a long time friend - and she has an "absent" dad.  She wants to know him, but he is not around.... so she knows very little of him... and it leaves a hole in her.  I guess I would get the information - and wait until the child asks....  As Lex put it - "they all do"

But the real question, "is this your child?"  I think you know the answer.

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Hukilau576 reads

...it's what Who_is_Your_Daddy thinks that matters. If the question of whether or not he is indeed the biological father of the child his wife gave birth to is a matter he cares about, then he should strongly consider looking into it.  Only he can speculate in an informed manner how, if at all, this will affect his perception of, and relationship with, his daughter, his ex-wife, the putative biological father, or any other interested party.  

For myself, I'd definitely want to have the test done, if only to determine whether there is a biological father who would be entitled to know the particulars about his offspring.

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Who_is_You_Daddy421 reads

Thank everyone for their input and insight - sometimes it helps just having a forum to discuss challenging issues in the open.

I have decided to move ahead and test, although only partially for the reasons several insightful people contributed.

Curiously, I have NO animosity towards the ex-neighbor, a perspective several shared that never occurred to me.   I no longer see them, no longer know them, and have no clue how or where they ended up.  If it is true and he is the biological father, then the guy acted ...well, like any other guy with a hard penis would have done in the same situation. When randy she was a force to be reckoned with - and honestly, who amongst us hasn't dicked another man's wife?  

Rather, I feel anger at my ex-wife for the suspected betrayal, and this is one of the main reasons I want to move forward with testing.  If it is true, it gives me another data point in my over-analysis of the failed marriage, putting into context a string of lies and dishonesty that traces back a decade earlier than I suspected.  This puts the marriage and years together in better context, and makes it easier for me to see how much healthier it is to be out of the relationship.

So I thank everyone for their comments and for sharing their perspective - I will let the group know how it turns out.


 Carrying the Weight of Knowledge

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