It's irrational to read the Bible for anything other than comic relief. (sort of like my posts, eh GaG?)

My all time favorite bible passage has got to be Leviticus Chapter 14:33 through 14:53. Which I present to you here, via the New American (Catholic) version:

The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "When you come into the land of Canaan, which I am giving you to possess, if I put a leprous infection on any house of the land you occupy, the owner of the house shall come and report to the priest, 'It looks to me as if my house were infected.'

(footnote here. A leprosy infection of a HOUSE is what we today would call MILDEW. Yes, this is going to get good.)

The priest shall then order the house to be cleared out before he goes in to examine the infection, lest everything in the house become unclean. Only after this is he to go in to examine the house.

(I know I always throw all my shit in the front yard whenever my bathroom needs cleaning.)

If the priest, on examining it, finds that the infection on the walls of the house consists of greenish or reddish depressions which seem to go deeper than the surface of the wall, he shall close the door of the house behind him and quarantine the house for seven days.

(because we all know mildew and mold always dies after leaving it alone for 7 days)

On the seventh day the priest shall return to examine the house again. If he finds that the infection has spread on the walls, he shall order the infected stones to be pulled out and cast in an unclean place outside the city.

(this is the same place to put the women-folk when they're on the rag, BTW)

The whole inside of the house shall then be scraped, and the mortar that has been scraped off shall be dumped in an unclean place outside the city.

(The bible is more redundant than my posts, eh GaG?)

Then new stones shall be brought and put in the place of the old stones, and new mortar shall be made and plastered on the house.

(yes, yes. get on with it)

If the infection breaks out once more after the stones have been pulled out and the house has been scraped and replastered, the priest shall come again; and if he finds that the infection has spread in the house, it is corrosive leprosy, and the house is unclean.

(oh dear, what do we do about corrosive leprosy?)

It shall be pulled down, and all its stones, beams and mortar shall be hauled away to an unclean place outside the city.

Whoever enters a house while it is quarantined shall be unclean until evening.

(Yes, because we all know mildew goes away at night)

Whoever sleeps or eats in such a house shall also wash his garments.

(Preferably wash them in mildew)

If the priest finds, when he comes to examine the house, that the infection has in fact not spread after the plastering, he shall declare the house clean, since the infection has been healed.

(Praise the Lord!)

...Now here comes the good part!

To purify the house, he shall take two birds, as well as cedar wood, scarlet yarn, and hyssop. One of the birds he shall SLAY over an earthen vessel with spring water in it.

Then, taking the cedar wood, the hyssop and the scarlet yarn, together with the living bird, he shall dip them all in the blood of the slain bird and the spring water, and sprinkle the house seven times.

(Yes, because mildew hates it when you use a living bird drenched in dead bird blood as a kind of fucked up paint brush. But bonus points for using such an avant-garde method for interior design)

Thus shall he purify the house with the bird's blood and the spring water, along with the living bird, the cedar wood, the hyssop, and the scarlet yarn.

He shall then let the living bird fly away over the countryside outside the city. When he has thus made atonement for it, the house will be clean.

(to live the rest of it's birdy days in complete and total utter horror)