I'm reposting this from the General Board. I thought it was hilarious! lol
Here's the post: First off, I do not feel this way. Beyond that have fun and comment" This was posted on another forum, and I thought I would share....
ESCORT 411 – TAKE THIS ADVICE BEFORE SEEING AN ESCORT.
As an escort there is only so much I can say to your face as my livelihood depends on putting up with your bullshit. Even those of you who regularly see me can annoy the fuck out of me. First off MONEY DOES NOT BUY MY LOVE it buys you time and that does NOT include free time. Honestly what make you think, you little fucking leprechaun with a penis not much bigger than the eraser of a no. 2 pencil, that I would consider the retarded idea of you leaving your poor wife of 40 years so I can spend the rest of my life enduring your rabbit fucking not to mention feeling like an amazon standing next to your tiny 4'11 frame? I mean come the fuck on – knock it off already with the googly eyes and the sighs followed by 'you are all I think about, I love you' followed by the awkward silence that staggers EVERY fucking time you do this. Thanks for paying my rent but you need to know that I never think about you, not ever, not even while your eager eraser is rapidly but barely penetrating my vagina. I swear to god if she had eyes they would be rolling every time you do this. Oh by the way I have never cum while you shake your face from left to right in my pussy – not once.
Ok for the other weirdo with the world's ugliest cock that resembles a groundhog. Yes it's big but gross. It is squishy and fucking cold? Why is your groundhog so fucking cold? Cold to the touch and so ugly? You should never show that thing to anyone but your hand and maybe that's why you see me and I swear you are the first client that made me realize my karma is in full effect. The way you stare at your self in the mirror while thrusting your entire lower half of your body up and down while I ride you is fucking weird douche bag – watch some porn for Christ's sake. You are only supposed to move your pelvis you freak. I'the think you'the get that hint every time you buck me off. I hate you but you pay me for several hours at a time (and even that is almost not enough to keep seeing you). Um no I am not going to ride you for 3 straight hours you fucking nut, no one will especially with that ugly cock. You are the worst I have to say and I hate you more than anyone congrats. You have made me realize that my acting skills are better than I thought OR you are just plain stupid.
For those of you expecting me to suck your dick but don't manscape your shit: I should not have more gagging of the hairy balls episodes than my fucking cat. When you show up with an afro Bush in your ugly area, I have images of taking the hair off my hairbrush and sticking it in your mouth to see how you like it stupid fuck. Then you start with the 'you're going to use a condom? ' stupid question. Um Yeah. Do I want your dried piss, pre cum and whatever / whoever else in my mouth? Hell no. Besides it never ceases to amaze me when you are seeing an ESCORT, even wanting to go there uncovered on anything. That tells me you must be a dirty bastard.
To the Titty Twisting Assholes: you like my big tits right? You like to look at them, touch them even lick them right? There will be a day you may not even have those senses to see, touch or taste because I will have beat the shit out of you for practically twisting or sucking my nipples off. No escort likes this assholes, we see more men than just you and you ruin it for the rest of them.
Butthole breath – you know who you are and if you don't, now would be the time to ask someone about your breath. If you don't floss regularly you can bet your breath smells like your ass crack on a hot summers day so make flossing and Listerine a habit. If you decide to indulge in the garlic, curry or red fucking onions then simply excuse kissing from our session, it's the polite thing to do. When you notice I am turning my head to avoid your mouth don't keep trying to stick your nasty breath my way stupid ass. The same applies to you stupid fucks that have these wet gaping mouths that cover half of my face – I don't want your saliva on my face! Not even a little bit.
Now listen the fuck up time takers- if you pay me for a certain amount of time that is what you will get. I have been nice and allowed a little extra and you seem to think that a little extra gets longer and longer every time, until your greedy ass gets butt hurt when I kick you out whether you have finished or not. If you wanted more time, then pay for more time dumbass. I love to shoot the shit with you but when you are a pain in the ass guy with stalker like tendencies it's annoying and no I don't want to spend one more second hearing how you wish we could be together forever. Let me be clear, all I want is your money and hopefully an easy fuck session that ends quickly. I would never look for a relationship in my black book of clients, dumb fuck. Some of you are so fucking far out of reality I don't think it's possible to pull your head out from way up in your own ass. It's weird. I am an actress, giving you great sex and fantasies to take home to bust a nut to later – THAT IS IT. I don't blame some of your wives for not wanting to fuck you, I don't want to either but thank god I don't have to live with you, my props to them.
Ok now for you fat fucks that think you are the shit because you have been a hobbyist forever. Do me and whoever else you subject your hanging fat folds to – when you shower lift the folds and scrub. After you do this take a stick of deodorant to these areas – like the area under you long fat gut that cannot breath. Because even if you shower you know your fat ass is sweating while getting dressed let alone while driving over to see me. When you are lying on your back and I lift that gut to find your hiding genitals it fucking makes me hurl in my mouth. So put some deodorant inside those folds – it will help.
My favorites are those who show up on time, don't talk much and when finished get up and leave but always leave a little extra. They know I will always take care of them because they get it and they don't ask my real name or if I have a FB or try to find out where I live because they know the deal and you guys are the ones that make it bearable.
The rest of you who cannot seem to find a woman or keep one please know that going to an escort is not the same as match dot fucking com. Just because some of us are nice, not mechanical and beautiful does not mean we want anything more to do with you than what you are already getting assholes.
Yours Truly
Another Escort"
Your thoughts if any? (oh god lol, wonder who I am mimicking
Hopefully this whole thing was soothing to the person who wrote it.
I have to say I was blown away by some of the stuff I have learned just from women I have seen while doing this. The men who ask for uncovered FS was the first thing that floored me, and I was actually surprised to hear how many hobbyists call or contact the provider asking to see her at a lower than advertised rate. One provider once told me that close to 98% of the men who contact her do this - and this was an extremely attractive woman, rate was $350 I think. I just never considered such a thing, it really makes one appear less than stellar.
As for the physical appearance thing, well I will say this, I see nothing wrong with being a bit put off by the hobbyists who don't bother to take proper measures as far as cleanliness (bath/shower, brush teeth,etc) I mean it would really take some work on the part of the provider to make it as good of a time as it can be. I mean I don't want to see a woman who is not up to code in that area as well. I have heard a few stories about this as well and honestly I feel a bit bad for the woman in that scenario, I mean is it that tough to take a bath before showing up?
As far as the remarks about not having much liking for larger men - as a man who likes women on the slim to slimmer side I can't say I don't see what she is saying, it is fair to have a preference. The thing I can't understand is how she brings herself to even do this for a living. I mean I have a preference and such, I don't complain, I just only see women who fit that preference and if there are none I pass and find something else to do. I don't know what percentage of her clients are men who would be considered overweight but perhaps she could start only seeing men who fit what she can deal with without being put off - this is why I always think it best if a provider lists a given preference in their ad, even though they would probably get a lot of flack for saying they wouldn't see overweight men.
Also the men who think a love connection is likely through this,or that try to get too personal are again beyond my realm of thinking, even when I was new to this I had no fantasies of that or desire to ask to many questions. With that said a couple things she lists as pluses, men who say little and who always tip, are not things myself do. I leave pretty quick at the end but prior I like a little get to know you casual conversation - and as much as I am never one to question a provider on her rate, I don't really tip, I have rounded up at the outset on odd number rates $400 if it was $375, but never have thought extra was necessary.
Makes me wonder who this was and more so, does this girl manage to get good reviews despite her disdain for some, many I guess, of her clients. I don't think the rant is out of line or unprofessional though, unless she identified one or more board members by screenname. As it is it is just kinda funny and the best humor has elements of truth to it.
Sometimes the guys that contact me make me want to go off like this chick. However, those are the guys that I don't end up seeing. Furthermore, I don't understand why she would continue to see a dude that repulses her. Not all money is good money. So why subject herself to what makes her miserable? Is it really worth the extra cash?
Then again, the thing that bothered me about that rant was the syntax errors. Shudder.
Who else but BCG could read that rant and be most annoyed by the syntax errors? LOL
(or should I have said "who other"?)
Hahaha. WHOM other THAN!
(or should I have said "who other"?)
I say it should be: WHO other THAN - (WHO is the subject of the sentence)
(or should I have said "who other"?)
"Whom" denotes a single individual (in this case, me).
Both you and the highly unlikely "else" are the subjects of that sentence. "Rant" is the object. The answer to my question would be "he could" not "him could". So "who" would be the preferred pronoun.
And now I need your help (or that of one of the other marvelous technicians on this site) to come up with the appropriate visual for this post. I see an elderly, prim schoolmarm - grey hair tied back in a tight bun, pointed chin tilted down, peering over her horn rim specs that are balanced on the tip of her nose, wagging a spindly finger as she corrects her misguided pupil.
Well ..... you did make me laugh again. But I'm afraid you misjudge my demeanor.
Or ... am I supposed to be the one wearing red?
Sooo.....
I got accused of writing this LMFAO!
And, BTW, we do have a site where we review the guys we see, and the reviews are just like the reviews you give to us ladies. So, if you have any of the characteristics described in the rant, it will be documented. It's a private 'ladies only' forum, and only vouched and TRUSTWORTHY providers have access to it.
Ah..... Maybe I should start a site called 'TheClientReview'.......
Hahaha Molly that's hilarious! Sign me up!
I got accused of writing this LMFAO!
And, BTW, we do have a site where we review the guys we see, and the reviews are just like the reviews you give to us ladies. So, if you have any of the characteristics described in the rant, it will be documented. It's a private 'ladies only' forum, and only vouched and TRUSTWORTHY providers have access to it.
Ah..... Maybe I should start a site called 'TheClientReview'.......
If we could all choose our client life would be great but that is fantasy. Just as lawyers and cpas and others have asshole clients you decide your tolerance level. I have declined to represent people I knew wemore trouble than they were worth. Not exactly the same but they idea is the same
The difference is that you don't have to suck your lousy clients' cocks... at least, not literally.
Was this posted anonymously, or is there a provider name attached to the post? I will do my best to avois her.
When she asked if I minded that she write a review of me for a change I was flattered. I should have asked to read it first...
Dude, she just called me and asked me to add the rest of your review. She's about to see "groundhog dick" and felt bad about not completing your review. Here's what she said:
Apperence: 5 - 'Meh'
Attitude: 2 - 'Ridiculously Enthusiastic'
Oral Sex: 6 - 'Oscilating Fan'
Scent: 9 - 'Ye Olde Spice'
Negotiation: - 10 - 'didn't ask to change my price'
Vaginal Sex: 5 - 'He fucks like he pitchs, sorta all over the place'
General Details:
So, I'm waiting behind the door for this next asshat (he's a first timer for me). I hear this knock like this guy is trying to breach a crack house. I'm tripping over myself to open the door to stop the rackett. As soon as I crack the door a little...he pushes in so fast knocking the door straight into my face. OUCH! I'm holding my forehead with one hand the the doorknob with the other so I don't ever see him enter. I shut the hotel door and head straight into the bathroom to grab some ice from the bucket I filled a few minutes earlier. I come back out with a hand towel full of ice on my forehead and this winner is already on the bed in his birthday suit. VIPs, read on....
Juicy Details:
The dude is already fully erect. I can't believe it! On the one hand, I'm kinda happy...I normally have to play with them a little before the poor bastards can get it up. I probably need to worry about a 'premie' with this one. My head seemed to be okay..no permanent damage. I take a deep breath and decide to make the best of it. I approach the bed and say hello in the sexiest way I know how. My god, he's full on jacking himself now!!! Didn't he pay me...wait...did he pay me? Ah...okay...there's the envelop on the TV, good. As I was thinking..didn't he pay me to...eh...take care of that for him? Guys are wierd. I hop on the bed next to him and say "let me take care of that for you". He kinda laughs and says "okay". So, I start slowly carressing his sorry excuse for a penis. It's decidedly average. But, at least he looks clean. Is that old spice? Anyway...he starts grabbing my boobs through my sheer negligee. Whoa...ease up on the pressure there buddy...they aren't stress balls...those are my breasts! Ugh...this guy has no fine motor control. He probably still uses the big crayons. I sit up and straddle him in one motion. Then I slowly start to pull my negligee up and over my head. The silk of my panties is rubbing against his average-sized manhood. He is starting to pant like my rottweiler on a central-ohio summer day. God, he better not drool.
Oh well, might as well get it over with. I lean forward and place my hands on his chest and slowly go in for a nice sweet kiss. Everything goes black!!! WTF!!!! Jesus...why I can't I see and why is my face all wet?!?!?! Oh...god...he just...kissed me, open mouth. Wow...dude...uh, maybe with the mouth closed this time. Maybe if I give him some head he can't hurt me? Worth a try. I try to cover my change in tactic by kissing him on his neck, shoulders, chest, belly and finally I am crouched between his legs, holding his manhood in one hand while looking up at him. I lick his shaft and he shudders like he just came off life support. I decide to just go to town on him and start DTing the shit out of his penis. He almost goes into convulsions...his heels are hammering the bed as he lays there. He unloads what has to be a gallon of cum right into my not ready mouth. I've never had anyone cum that fast from my bj. This guy is wound tight. Oh well..I give him a few moments to stop siezing and then suck him clean. I make my way to the bathroom to spit his seed out and rinse my mouth. By the time I return, this guy is ASLEEP!!! Are you kidding me? How in the hell does anyone fall asleep that fast?!?!?!
I fall on the bed a foot or so away from him and just stare at the ceiling. After about 15 minutes I feel a vice grip on my right breast again. Jesus...he's awake and apparently my breasts are running away. I caress his arm and slide my hand inbetween his and my now tender breast and interlace my fingers. I grab his hand and turn toward him and smile as sweetly as I can. "how was that baby?" He just looks at me with a goofy grin and says "wow". Should I give him a second chance at kissing? Hmmm...I put my finger of my left hand on his lips in an attempt to keep his lips together. He proceeds to engulf my finger and part of my hand in his mouth. This guy doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. OMG...how much time is left???? 25 minutes. I can do this. I get up on my knees again and pull my hand out of his mouth. "round 2?" He nods enthusiastically. I grab a cover from my bag beside the bed and then get down between his legs and begin to lick him again. i've never seen anyone get hard as fast as he did. It was like watching the little buble on the turkey pop up at thanksgiving dinner.
I slide the cover on him and slowly inch my way up to CG and then I try to slowly settle down onto him. Next thing I know I am being bucked all over the bed and it is all I can do to hold on!!! Holy shit!!!! Is he for reals having a seizure on me? Oh my god!!! It is all I can do not to fall off the bed much less keep his penis in me. "Oh Baby!" I yell. Maybe missionary?
I roll over on to my back and invite him to mount me. He, of course, goes for the gusto and slams his moderate penis home. Thank god he's not that big or this might hurt more. The "clapping" begins as he hammers himself to his 2nd orgasm. He sort of yell-whimpers as he releases into the cover. Jesus...thought that would never end. My pelvis is sore from the pounding. What? why isn't he getting off of me? Is he trying to cuddle?!?!? Gross!!!! Dude...get off me. NOW!
"Let me..um...clean you up, k?" Ugh, I hate having to be sweet to these winners. He finally pulls his limpy out of me with that oh so attractive condom hanging off full of his semen like a see-through chicken neck. Ugh. I grab several tissues and gently wipe him off and remove the rubber. I duck into the bathroom and dispose of the condom and tissues. I start to make my way around the room collecting my clothing.
"what are you doing, we have 5 minutes left?"
Okay...i'm no clock-watcher...but, shit, I earned my money today. "honey, there's not enough time for a third round. Would you like to shower before you go?" Please take a shower, please take a..wait...no, what am I saying? Just get dressed and leave!
That's okay, i'm heading home anyway. I'll just shower there." Thank god. "How about some daty before I leave?"
ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME.
"Well, okay." I lay down on the bed again and he quickly gets between my legs. God...i'm not sure what he is doing but I feel like I'm covered in his saliva from one knee to the other. I dont think he is ever going to find the "Y". But, I'm not really disappointed. God, what a piece of work! I better "cum" so he thinks he did something.
"Oh god, oh god...yes, yes! Uh! Keep going...go...yes...uh...uhn....oooooooooooooh!" He sits up and smiles at me from between my legs. "Okay baby...it's time to go now".
"Thanks sugar, that was fun. You taste really good."
"Mmkay, thanks". Thankfully this guy does everything fast. I just tried to stay out of his way at this point. He dresses and rushes out the door.
i'm exhausted.
**********************
the above is all in good fun.
any resemblence to people real or imagined is purely coincidental.
and yes...I'm bored...can't stand the nba finals but that is all that is on.
-- Modified on 6/18/2013 9:18:55 PM
You left out the part where I asked to cof and she goes crosseyed a little and shrugs a yes... But other than that it was spot on sir!
Wow! What a coincidence! I like you too!! :
Hilarious dude!
This thread has seriously brightened a rather boring Tuesday night.
She really does have some valid points, just ??
lfao!!gald iam the exact oppsite of all the above(imho)
I never ever post but I just so had to on this one. Hysterical!! Thank you for making me smile, laugh, and almost cry all at the same time 
Kisses,
Nikki
I've Been Crying and laughing for two days lmfaoooooooo
Kisses,
Nikki
I say bullshit to this "escort rant". This was written by a man trying to rile up his fellow hobbiests.
Probably. Everyone deals with assholes at some point
Trust me, A woman wrote this!!
Not even want to see the high-end providers anymore. What a stuck-up, arrogant *****. I hope she doesn't represent the majority because she is giving you all a bad name. Such harsh, judgmental comments lower your value. You're in the business of servicing ME. Not the other way around. Go flip some burgers or something if you hate doing this that much
A bad name? Wow but u all sit and gossip about escorts all day long. write unfair reviews and expect the best when u don't give it. Respect goes both ways in this business. Your money can be refused at any time. A lot of escorts are not going to tolerate bullisht for the small amount of money given. She has the right to speak her mind just as everyone else on this board does. You seem a little upset with what she wrote, do you fit anywhere in any of those categories. As far as flipping burgers, that's not the only option for every escort. Most have degrees, and potential. Do you not know of the Olympic runner who also escorted for the cash.
If you all want escorts to be perfect, you should also try to be. I will not see A guy solely for the money if he doesn't understand respect!
Apparently that chick's rant touched a nerve. We don't judge all clients based on what one dude says, so why stereotype all of us?
Besides, her main complaints seemed to mostly focus on respect and hygiene. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I just love the "flip some burgers" comments from asshats on a fk board. Most providers have advanced degrees, so even if we were not doing this, we sure as hell would not be working at some min. wage job, idiot. Most of us make more money than you do...both here, and in the real world.
I wish TER would start a client review forum and tie it all together. I'd love to hear what the girls really think of me. Only issue is, what's the motivation for the girl. Other than getting beaten or robbed, is a girl really going to take the time to write an honest review?
If TER allowed it I would. This is on another board, and if I had an amazing time or something stood out about our time together, I definitely would write a review so the other ladies were able to read just how awesome that guy is.
You can say nice things about me
You're right!!! But I think all the others wouldn't want to see all that fuzzy navel and chocolate and ice cream and flowers and this and that kind of mushy stuff I would have to say. So I will keep those thoughts to just me 
Yeah I don't really see what the point would be. We have blacklist sites to warn other ladies about bad clients, and give good references for good clients when we're asked for them. That's sort of a review system, albeit less condensed.
....clients just to try to keep them to herself lol.
Saw a provider publicly admit (on another regional discussion board) she's given bad references on purpose before for some of her best/favorite clients to "scare" other girls away. Hmmmmm.....
Called the powder room IN another DYS board.
You have to be vouched and trustworthy - hence no info leaking - for access.
We rate on a scale of 1-5, state how big your package is, how much work was involved, mpops, if you tip, if you smell or try to do any funny stuff, etc.
It comes in handy when I have two clients wanting an appt at the same time - just like with the ladies gents choose, I choose the client with the better review.
I guess the 1-5 scale is in inches, because someone leaked and told me I was a "3"