I went back to TJ over 4th of July weekend to see my girl again.  I don't know whether it’s now expected that I visit every weekend, or whether she expected it to be just  a fling.  Never asking me when I might be back the next time, we part ways with her possessing an aura of confidence and dare I say, indifference.  Was I nothing more to her than a disposable, living, breathing comfort doll, good for only a couple of uses?  I don’t know much at this point nor what to really expect.  But I knew I was losing control over the situation.  All I knew was that I had to be back there for more -- in her room, in her arms, kissing her, with her heart palpitating next to mine.  And so I left the night of 7/3/03, skipping dinner and making the journey down.
They say that people in love are never hungry.  I went to Target before embarking on the highway south (how metaphoric) to buy her boxes of SlimFast mealbars -- she never ate because she was in love with money.  But I’ve seen her crave something more that just water and SlimFast shakes.  I gave her a mealbar once and she devoured it.  
The trip took almost 4 hours due to the traffic.  All along the way I wondered about the endgame, since I figured it had to end sometime, somehow.  Even if I had the means to continue this affair indefinitely, the circumstances were all wrong -- I had a life in L.A.  I have my work, my school, my family, my dreams.  Was I going to give it all up for a TJ hooker?  And my work, the basis of my existence, was starting to show the emotional strain I was under.  After my first week back from vacation, my boss had to sit down with me to figure out what was going on -- she noticed I was very distracted and not my usual focused self.
What I needed was closure.  But even as I descended into the border valley on the 805 in the middle of the night, facing the thousand "eyes" that looked upon me from the hills of Tijuana, I left my decision for "closure" open for improvisation.  Even as my usual logical self began to reassert itself, my emotional side fought back.  I wasn't surprised it did, having been repressed for so long.  But my logic is dominant, and all I needed was the slightest provocation to end it all.
I checked in at the Leyva at around 1:30 am and given a room that required me to pass my girl’s room.  I knew she was in town still because of a momento she placed on her window sill.  I arrived at CC at 2am sharp and immediately inquired about my girl.  She was upstairs working no doubt, what a surprise.  So I sat at the short bar and had me some XX’s.  I pounded down two within a half hour and smoked my Dunhill’s as I enjoyed the music and the scent of panoche abound.  
Finally, I spotted her.  She was sitting at the middle portion of the long bar, but it took me a full minute to recognize her even though I was staring her way all that time.  She must have thought I was ignoring her, and her suspicions were confirmed when she moved to within two seats of me at the short bar.  At this point I was already turned around and pounding another cerveza, still not having acknowledged her presence.  She just stood there looking at herself in the mirror as she stood literally 3 feet from me.  But I ignored her still and just pounded– my third in 45 minutes and I was buzzing.  My girl finally moved after about a couple minutes of being ignored and situated herself at the other end of that bar, at which point I asked the bartender to get her a drink.  I finally acknowledged her and she came over to me.  She proceeded to situate herself on my lap and we looked intently into each other’s eyes.  Soon our faces were mere millimeters apart as we nuzzled our noses together.  But at least I refrained myself from kissing,  for fear of being overtly conspicious.  She was, after all, working.  We asked each other “Como estas?”  “Muy bien,” was the mutual answer.  Then she asked me what I was doing in TJ and I blurted out, “ Para you.”  Her response was not what I was hoping for, but perhaps I was thinking too deep into it.  It was an “oh?” look, a possible burden instead of explicit delight.  Upon that perception, I immediately covered the first answer with, “para relax.”  But still the same, “oh?”  Not a word was said after that for the next minute until she thanked me for the drink and excused herself to go to the bano.  
Upon return, she was sat again at the other end of the short bar from where I was sitting.  I thought she would be back to sit with me, and so I perceived this to be a slight, a possible rejection.  Remember, I know all about rejection.  I have lived through to many.  The thing is, I knew she was working. I knew it then, before, and now.  Yet still, when she was approached and went up with a man, it stung deep in my heart.  Reality had landed a solid right cross and I began to reel from it.  “Dos mas cerveza, por favor. XX.”  I downed another two in the next 15 minutes to drown my pain.  Five beers in 1 hour – yeah, I was wasted.  I saw her come back to the bar in a half hour and was immediately approached by another hombre.  Again, she was gone, and so was I.  This was the provocation I needed to enter the end game.  After I finished my 5th beer, I went to the bathrom to get a hold of myself.  I looked at the mirror and I was beet red from the alcohol, I was ore than tipsy.  I wet and slicked back my hair and went out of el bano with as much dignity as I could muster.  As I walked out of the bano, to my right was the perfect tool for my end game, my girl’s best friend at CC.  I introduced myself to her and then sat down for a coupe of drinks and some chit chat.  She spoke pretty good English and was a wannabe model/actress supporting herself as she waited for her big break.  She was tall and gorgeous, but I knew right away there was no connection, even with her pretty good English.  But still I placed my arm around her as we smoked, chatted and drank.  We talked a little about my girl and we agreed that she was a special and beautiful person.  My girl “had a great heart,” she said, and I readily agreed.  
I had bought this new girl a few drinks by now and spent an hour talking with her, since it was 3:30 am when my girl came back to CC and made her way towards to ladies bano, but not before walking past us.  She must have noticed that I had my arms around her best friend, laughing and having a good time.  As she walked past us, she would not make eye contact with me.  As soon as she came out of el bano, she was propositioned by another hombre and again she went up.  When she came back down and finally called it a night at 4am, I was still with the company of the best friend.  As she left for good that night, there was nary a farewell or a goodnight to me, just to her best friend.  I think my end game was working then.  After my 7th beer, who was I to care.  Closure indeed.  


-- Modified on 7/10/2003 7:46:52 AM