Medical Diagnoses

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a
lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours.  Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.