: Need advise on being a BDSM provider. : Discussion in BDSM, posted by Dedra

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Need advise on being a BDSM provider.

posted 13 years ago

I LOVE this section! I see where I want to be ok if you read my reviews you will see I am "the girl next door" ... However I am by nature extremely submissive and love being dominated but I have never brought that into my provider life. I would like to but don't know how. Can I request larger donations? What is the etiquette For this type of provider?
I have also discovered a lil bit of a Dom side of myself. I love to turn the tables n stap one on. I do not think I could be full blown Dom but I really get into ass worship and things like that. Any suggestions?

LeChiffre13 years ago15656 reads

Advice on becoming a BDSM provider

So happy to hear that you LOVE this section. Please feel free to ask any question(s) you'd like.

Fortunately for you, Dedra, one of the world's top professional submissives is a regular contributor here on this board, and I'm sure submissann will give you some excellent career advice in a forthcoming post.

Here's my two cents' worth . . . If you want to be a professional submissive, first and foremost is your safety (and the safety of your play partners). Unlike escorting, you are going to find yourself in situations where you are potentially tied/bound and can't readily escape. You might wind up making it a condition of play that you do everything except bondage, or you might choose to join the team at a professional dungeon so that you have a secure work environment and don't have to purchase a ton of equipment. If you are going to Top, you need to learn how to do so safely, so that you don't cause permanent injury. That will entail classes/instruction and/or reading. If you review some of my earlier posts, I mentioned several resources, such as the on-line BDSM school The Kink Academy (.com), which is fantastic. Strongly consider joining a local BDSM club, too, so that you can take advantage of instruction in person as well. What city are you based out of?

Body worship is something that you can do right now that doesn't really require much, if any, training (assuming that you're not going to get into smothering as part of that). The secret is to tell your play partner in advance that you are in charge and all of the nasty things that you are going to make them do, and then order then to do those nasty things. I'm sure a lot of men would get off being told to lick your asshole clean.

Generally speaking, most BDSM pros tend to make less money than escorts on an hourly basis, but that's because they are providing "play" and not intercourse. (The plus side, is they can see more clients per day.) If you combine the kink with sex, you might be able to ask for a slight bump in your fee for fetish play. I wouldn't go much higher than an extra $100 per hour.

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Dedra13 years ago18460 reads

Re: Advice on becoming a BDSM provider

Thanks for the advice. I am going to check out kink academy. I am from Pensacola n I don't know of any professional dudgeons in this area or close by. I travel to New Orleans frequently if anyone knows of one there.
I guess my next question. Is sex not usually incorporated in the play? Do you know if providers typically charge more for strap on and how much? We do not have a lot of that around here so I haven't heard much. I'm a fairly new provider So I want to build the right clientele n have quality verses quantity if that makes sense.

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LeChiffre13 years ago16588 reads

New Orleans

I can't personally vouch for them, but there appears to be a pansexual BDSM group named NOBLE out of New Orleans that offers education. Might be a good starting point. Here's their link.

Related Link: NOBLE

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LeChiffre13 years ago16619 reads

Is sex incorporated in the play?

Yes and no. The most common thing I've seen is that the dominatrix might allow the customer to jerk himself off for his pleasure (and her amusement) at the end of the session. There might also be a certain amount of torture or play with the male genital area during the scene, but not sex. And, of course, strap-on play is becoming more common. In terms of the male submissive pleasing the dominatrix, there might be a certain level of body-worship or smothering, but generally the male submissive isn't allowed to do anything sexual. In fact, the fun of it is teasing that kind of play and never rewarding it.

The upside to not allowing sexual play is that law enforcement pretty much no longer have an ability to hassle you; thus, many providers don't include that kind of play and might even resent those who do.

That said, I have a friend who is one of the world's greatest BDSM educators, and she has a saying, "If you think BDSM isn't about sex, you're not doing it right!"

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sixgunsteve13 years ago16584 reads

My experience has been quite different.......and satisfying

I am an experienced Dominant.......and I have had many long term friendships with providers........it has been my experience that many providers find that they enjoy the experience of being with a Dominant for the following reason......during a session......a provider has to be in control....she has to determine the likes of the hobbiest.......deliver what he desires....manage the clock....not to mention checking references and scheduling.......when I am with one of my provider friends....I tell her........turn off your mind......give me the keys......and just close your eyes and enjoy the ride.......I will run the session......I will watch the clock.....you can just.....enjoy.

All of my D/s friendships with providers include sex (and lots of it)......and since a "scene" is something that should never be rushed......we usually reach an arrangement where they give me extra time for a stated donation level.......these arrangements clearly will not work for everybody.........in my situation I ALWAYS discuss it in advance.....and only after I have had a session with the provider......and am quite sure that SHE wants more.......but I have been quite fortunate to have long term friendships with many well know providers who had never previously experienced a "sub" session.......but who have found that combining their exploration with a "special" business arrangement....can be a wonderful way to kill two birds with one stone. It is always good to think outside of the proverbial box.

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alexhumboldt13 years ago18377 reads

Re: Need advise on being a BDSM provider.

I think there is definitely a demand for women who combine escort with bdsm. The "domination is not prostitution" mantra of so many of the pro dommes gets a little old and frustrating for those of us who like more erotic and sensual play.

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LeChiffre13 years ago16451 reads

Demand for both

I agree with alexhumboldt. There really is a demand for both and you could potentially charge a premium for both, although it's rare to find someone who is good at both. If you have friends, you might consider Dom Dominique's business model, where she is (mainly) a mistress, but incorporates a submissive "plaything" who does the bottoming and more of the sexual stuff.

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drxxxavier13 years ago15428 reads

Re: Demand for both

Just discovered this forum and wanted to chime in and agree with both alexhumboldt & LeChiffre.

In my experience, it IS rare to find someone who can offers an intense BDSM experience combined with a more traditional, sexual one. So anyone who provides that combo would find a lot of appreciative admirers, I'd think.

Posted By: LeChiffre

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ClairJordan13 years ago17167 reads

The "domination is not prostitution" mantra

I am just tranisitoning from escorting to more Femme Dom sessions and I agree, the strict line between the two are kinda boring and not realistic. I thoroughly enjoyed my evening last night at the Ritz Carlton in NYC; we had a wondeful dinner date, laughed, talked, and exchanged ideas. Once we went to the suite and I donned the Dom attire, I was Large and in Charge. The play was me as Executive Mistress, Goddess Worship, him serving me, and acknowledging Female Supremecy. I did use a paddle, lightly, and he was def on the floor, looking up at me (Queening). It was all my choice, he had no voice.
I am not sure about switching, tho. I think that would be difficult. I would suggest, woman to woman, that you save your subsurvient side for your personal life. This is a head game, that's the point. If you are going to play in this arena, I would thinkg that you want to be in charge. That's my take. All the best!!! Jsut play safe, GF. xoCJ

Posted By: alexhumboldt

Related Link: Switchy goodness ;)

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missfortunes13 years ago11165 reads

Ok...I'll say it. REALITY CHECK

I have to say...I just am SO tired of how some Pro Dommes nationally say BDSM isnt about sex, at all, ever, if it's being done "correctly". I've spent countless hours/days/weeks/years reading pros websites, writings, postings on fetlife and other discussion forums, reading reading reading...and you know what I've realized? Its exactly how legit LMTs ($40hr???) distance themselves from happy ending massage parlours ($100hr+???) and call everyone but themselves a whore. Exactly the same thing in my opinion. There are those hugely successful Dommes who advertise only pure forms of bondage, discipline, etc... and then there are those EQUALLY respected Dommes who tie men down, and rape them, get them hard and use them for her own pleasure(and dont we have one of the MOST successful here in southern AZ? yes we do). Guess who makes the most $... I have my own guesses.
I have a really hard time with rigid rules, that is... anyone's rules but my own. WHO is on the official BDSM higher council? I'd like to pose a few questions to that council. When I was new...it seemed so confusing, all these hardcore women who APPEAR to not give a consideration to touching a cock, disdain for them even. I thought that was how it MUST be, for the REAL female dominants said so! Then I realized... its clever and direct marketing tactics. Find what YOU want to do, market it as if its the ONLY true way...and bully everyone around with tales of how the other group is whoredom. What total nonsense.

So then forcing a man to orgasm while in completely restrictive bondage after repeatedly bringing him close and refusing him over and over for a period of hours...which group does that belong to? Does it matter if she uses her hand, mouth, toys? How about that moment when I can control everything in his body with one fingertip in his ass and enjoy making him cum so hard and long hes too weak to stumble out? Does it matter if he's gotten a spanking first? What about the fact that I feel my MOST powerful when I control his orgasm? Do my particular interests influence the RULES for what is real and fake FemDommery? What if, as does happen all the time, a guy cums during a hardcore CP scene? Does that ProDomme who followed all the rules lose her crown?
I decided my first Pro day to define myself as I wish, and so far I havent gotten a summons from the higher council to discuss my breaking the Pro Domme rules because... its all bullshit. A true dominant does not need external morality and safety policing, she walks her own path and cares not what others label it as. But she does have to recognize its not legal.

As far as not switching in the same scene. Why is this a rule? Because it would be like being under the influence? eh? I've only switched with one person, my favorite all time player, and we've taken an entire afternoon/evening with an intermission to switch roles (and costumes) MANY times. I guess it all depends on whether its "work" or fun. I would say...I always Domme last because after he's been teased and emptied he needs a snack and a nap. I guess we're "just not doing it right", cuz I've never felt like a 10 min smoke break and changing was insufficient, or that I might harm him while under the influence of a previous forced squirting orgasm in bondage of my own.

Ladies...I'm not sure where all the rules are written down, but when you find the Higher BDSM council that puts out the handbook, I dont want to read it. I'm following my commen sense and I'm having fun. I personally think we need to support our sisters in following their interests rather than continuing propoganda that limits, confuses, and judges others. "We" do this and "they" do that...has no meaning to "I".

I really dont mean to be a smartass, or offend anyone, but Im just so over the value judgements of who/what is better/worse in the ProDomme arena. I stick with Fetishist...that way, I can continue to OWN male orgasms in awesome ways everyday...
Any way you slice it, label it, or lie about it...Female Domination in its current form is still borne from the imagination of the masturbating male...and we are all service providers.
I'll still be practicing "doing it wrong" cuz Im havin a blast...

Related Link: Love Me Hate Me, I Keep it REAL

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151dog3 years ago216 reads

Re: Ok...I'll say it. REALITY CHECK

I know this is an old post. It should be pinned at the top. It's the best one I have read in hundreds.

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submissann13 years ago13260 reads

If you are going to be a pro submissive.....

you *need* to think about this.

since you are an escort, i am going to make the BIG JUMP and assume that you use TER, date-check or preferred411, that you screen your clients and they have references.

Okay, now you need to state your limits up front.

Is it okay to do anything that will involve Blood, like, cutting, needle play, piercing? i'd advise a "No." This play requires a dangerous object in the room with you and people get excited and out of control, not to mention they only saw a video of this being done and they have no experience themselves. Not to mention there is "blood" involved.

No authentic Gun Play roleplay. i just don't go there. maybe it's just me. i've had nerf guns shot at me - that was fun.

i use leather cuffs and carobiners to be fastened together with and i can undo myself if i need to. i let rope riggers i have played with tie me up to varied degrees, ranging on my comfort level, how many times i've played with them. i never let a stranger tie me up helpless. Talk with the rope guys as to if they have thought about what they are going to do with you once they bind you up Damsel in Distress role play is fun but if my legs are tied together tight, my mouth is gagged, how are you going to get off other than taking my ass 9unless i'm tied down on my back and that's not available either) or jerking off on me? And where is it okay with you for them to jerk off on your body?

when you are the "bottom" and "submitting" you need to first control your environment. What is in that room? Is it your rented room/dungeon or are you visiting a hotel room or a private home? i would never trust a room that wasn't mine unless i was going to a dungeon and playing with another provider that was being the Top and i trusted her/him 1000% and the patron was a third party playing with us..

A lot of submissive providers belong to a house that screens for them and is right there to make sure nothing happens that is abuse or bad news/lots of paperwork to you, opposed to "safe, sane, consensual" fun.

You need to talk to patrons. Ripping nipple clamps off and taking skin with them is a "no=no". If they are slapping your pretty tits a lot and you feel it go from, "that's interesting to that is stingy", even though it is just their hand, you need to have a safe word, a "i have reached my limit with this activity" word or you will end up with bruises on your breasts that last over a week, even though it was just their hands that slapped you. Rope pulled across your skin 'burns" just like a rug/carpet.

It really might be best to start with simply adding "Spanking" and "Strap ON" play to your repertoire and build slowly. BDSM has rough ragged edges on that buffet table.

Everyone seems to bill clients differently.

You want a sliding scale of "if i lick and kiss and worship your boots" it costs xxx and "if i lick and kiss and worship your asshole" it costs XXX or do you want to divide things into categories and add it to your escort services? Up to you. Look at other provider ads and see what they do and how successful they are.

Be safe. Have fun.

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Dedra13 years ago16179 reads

Thank you

Thanks for all the great tips. I am going to check out all the sites and really educate myself. I do need to clarify about the switching. I could never switch in the same session. It's definitely a mind set thing. I can either be one or the other. I enjoy both. Please keep the input coming and I will keep you updated. Thanks again! I wish I were in a larger city so I could experience more.

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QueenBia3 years ago204 reads

Who doesn't love getting their ass worshiped?

I absolutely love a good Goddess worshiping session.