Hi, I posted on the general discussion, but it was recommended that I post here, for the Love Goddess to decipher.
This is what I posted:
I'm married and I have met two providers before. The first 6 years ago, and then 4 years ago, both while married. After the first time I was so wracked with guilt, I had to see a shrink b/c I thought I contracted something, despite taking numerous tests that said I was clean and healthy. Second time, I pulled a Bill Clinton, but it still ate at me, but not as much. Marriage is OK, I think we have a good relationship, except for in bed, where I want more and she wants less. Its a one time a week average, mish, and very much the same thing.
So here I am again. Thought I had kicked it the last time, but still fantasizing about the wild side of things. It's almost the rush of going through with it that gets me charged, lots of nervous energy. I guess I am asking if one can really separate just meeting providers from one's home life, or is it just too much of a slippery slope. I would love to hear from people that have been able to deal with this. Anyway, thanks.
Dear kindanew,
Should you do "it" again? Yes, I hope so! Now, as to with whom, that's a different story. And a perennial, to be sure. I'd say about half of all males in any given nation are given to pondering the same conundrum as you are.
Since you had to seek therapy for guilt management, maybe you don't have the ability to compartmentalize...and yes, it does take some compartmentalization/rationalization/intellectualization to deal with having sex outside the marriage. I suppose that's what you mean with "separate just meeting providers from one's home life." Because that's exactly what you'll need to do, unless you want to end up having some serious issues with your wife.
And that could be a solution as well. Having a down-and-dirty discussion with one's significant other about WHY the sex is so mundane; WHY only one position; WHY only once weekly; an extremely probing, revelatory process may stimulate you both into making some decisions - even though that's a tough one. For some, it's easier to resort to hobbying, despite the attendant guilt/fear/anxiety, etc. The endorphins outweigh the dopamine dips after the deed is done.
Out of respect toward the person you married - and, because you state your marriage is "OK," - I believe it's worth a shot to try to amp up your sex life by entering a very deep, communicative process with your wife. Just stating that "I want more and she wants less" is not good enough. Pretend you're a therapist and ask her loads of questions [really intimate, sticky ones, that could possibly lead to some unexpected fireworks in bed]..or go see one, if words fail and it all gets too uncomfortable. If it proves to be all talk and no action...well, then maybe you'll have some interesting decisions to make.
Keep us posted,
the Love Goddess
"Does it make me happy?"
Since the last two times the answer was an emphatic "no", then I would not see any more providers and also, you should seek counciling to counter the urges you have.
Also, as LG suggests, create a more interesting sex life with your wife to compensate.
I, myself, had the very same urges (and still do) but once I got over the societal hangups and developed some very rewarding relationships with a number of providers, I decided it was the right thing for me, failed marriage and dwindling bank account notwithstanding.
Listen to LG, she's right on the mark!
COMMUNICATION, I'll say (type) it again, COMMUNICATION is the key to any successful relationship! Your gonna have to talk to your SO if your looking to change up the mundane sex and help ignite and save your marriage. If it gets to uncomfortable and she doesn't wanna talk then suggest a therapist if she still doesn't then you got some serious thinking to do.
As for seeing providers, thats your call. Guilt is a hard thing to live with and again you have some thinking to do. There are obviously pro's and con's to having a steady provider around.
In my opinion I would continue to see a provider it'll help you with a lot of things like relieving stress and having a healthy sex life is key. But talk with your SO!
If guilt is a theme in your marriage as well then maybe seeing someone together can loosen things up. Lots of times in life the same theme comes up over and over in different situations. If this is one of those cases then seeing someone together might help the two of you get unstuck. Couples often reach a balance which neither of them wants to upset because "it works."
It sounds like you have a lot of pain. I hope things get better for you soon.
B
...or do circumstances make it 'morally fit'?
Is God really saying you must now feel guilt?
Or did He design you to thrust to the hilt?
He leaves it to YOU
to decide your limit!
...or do circumstances make it 'morally fit'?
Is God really saying you must now feel guilt?
Or did He design you to thrust to the hilt?
He's left it to YOU
to decide your limit!
Thank you for all of the advice, insights. Boston makes an interesting comment, but since I would not consider myself at all religous, it is the morality of society, and likely my parents that are coming into play. I truly wish it were easy to just do this and beleive that it is ultimately OK. Compartmentalize as the goddess puts it, although my compartments are different. Are there any out there that believe it has helped their marraige? We have had conversations and seen therepist, but things don't seem to change, and I am probably to blame for much of that indifference. I find that once I go down this route of considering re-entry, my indifference becomes even greater. What I need is the LG to be my thereist. Is that an options LG?, do you actually have patients?
You're welcome, kindanew,
Yes, I do see clients in my Los Angeles office. You can find a banner ad for me on the TER Los Angeles discussion board. Disable your popup blocker and click on the tiny banner on the left. It will take you directly to my website. If you are not near Los Angeles, perhaps I can refer you to another practitioner.
Thank you,
the Love Goddess
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