Hello LG:
Yes, I'm using an alias. It's because some people on TER know me, that's ok, but I don't want to expose my wife, so this needs to be anonymous. I hope all the readers understand.
I got married to this wonderful lady 25 years ago. We had an affair (I was in an unhappy marriage)and 1.5 years later we married. The relationship was super and in our 6th of year marriage we had our only child...a great kid. About one year after the baby arrived she called me home from work and said "I can't touch him, something is wrong." We chalked it up to stress. But it was more. She started having a "dark feeling" during sex and her desire and what we did quickly degraded. 3 therapists and many thousands of dollars resulted only in a feeling of (her words) "a dark place I can't get through."
Over the next 15 years sex became me getting a blow job or intercourse with the lights off and under the covers. Essentially courtesy sex. There were some peculiar things that just didn't feel right but she just kept saying that sex was no longer important to her and she was doing what she could and for me.
I really resented this change and especially didn't understand this comment of "a dark place" and really no improvement despite all the therapy.
7 years ago I caught her having an email affair with an old high school friend who lives several hundred miles away. It wasn't innocent...they talked about not having sex when they knew one another and wish they had. Naturally she was embarassed when caught and swore it would never happen again. My wife is very pretty and was always flirtatious. Many times almost inappropriately so - especially with me not around.
2 years ago the sex became a very rare occurrence and almost "get it over with" attitude. I know she was angry with me for wanting to know what was wrong - I was always asking that.
Net of all this? She had an affair 20 months ago with a high school friend she sought out in another town. A shopping trip with a lady friend took her away for a day - but what she did was fly to the city, have sex and came home. I knew something was wrong - intuition - and I went to her computer and got into her email files: Yep..all the gory details.
I confronted her when she came home with the evidence, not much she could say. I ended up in the emergency room with a panic attack and they gave me a therapist to see - it turns out she is a godsend.
In a separate meeting a few days later my wife blurted out in sobs "I was raped, continually, by my father. It was even condoned by my mother." Good God, I was shocked...I had no idea that had happened. I knew her parents (they are long dead) were nasty people but I had no idea this happened.
So 18 months have gone by and she cannot have sex - it just freaks her out. Therapy is helping her understand much of what happened to her and some really bad things are popping into her mind - really she has no control over them. Not nice to happen, obviously.
Our therapist says that she may never be able to be intimate again - that she really has severe post traumatic stress syndrome - she's been blocking this out of her mind for 30 years. I'll give her credit for working hard on this but she can't even consider being sexual with me. Of course I love her and need sex, I held off hobbying for many, many years. I never cheated on her until a little over a year ago when I found this site and succumbed.
Any hope? Any suggestions on therapy? Many thanks for reading this long (and sad) story.
Dear ItJustHurts,
While I understand your frustration, sadness and despondency, I'm afraid I can't be of any better use than the many therapists you have been to see. Since I have not met with either you or your wife, it would be unethical of me to suggest something very specific.
Apparently she is working on her PTSD. The only modality I can suggest is maybe EMDR to alleviate the PTSD, although the practitioner needs to be very skilled at this particular intervention. One thing must be made very clear, however: while her PTSD symptoms may attenuate, this is no guarantee that she will every want to "have sex" again.
Also, you already have a therapist who is "a godsend." That is wonderful and I hope it will help you grow and make some decisions. Meaning that if you really can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen. Masochism, chivalry or just plain fear of being alone are no great shakes when there are other alternatives that may lead to something better or different. So, if in the course of working through all of this, in individual or couples therapy, you come to the conclusion that you may want to make a life for yourself without her, please don't blame yourself. Oftentimes, men hang in there much longer than women, for fear of being alone.
I am not saying that you should abandon your disturbed and ailing wife just because you don't like what's happening right now. But on the other hand, years of endless self-torment is not so great. The sex is the least of your problems - you're both battling ghosts that may take years to disappear, eighteen months being just a blip on the horizon. And of course, many people will not even address the prospect of leaving, since the mere thought can be so guilt-inducing and shaming that the individual will go completely underground with his/her feelings.
Good thing you're getting some qualified help,
the Love Goddess
Wow. It sounds like you've had a difficult past few years. I hope that somehow you are able to have happier times in the future.
You are fortunate to have found a good therapist! It can be wonderful to have someone listening and validating your feelings during hard times. I wish you well =)
...She is not able to have sex with you and enjoy it all all, but is actively seeking out other partners. I think that there is more to her story than has been revealed by her.
If in fact that she has PSTD from her father's awful actions, then why is she seeking out other men?
Obviously, it would be almost impossible for any of us to offer a practical solution to your situation. Just realize we all appreciate what must be be real nobility and great strength on your part. It is hard to deal with a family member who, for whatever reason, can not function. As you know, when that person is a spouse and the lack of function is so isolating, it is close to impossibly lonely and difficult. Best wishes.
-- Modified on 7/25/2008 7:40:43 AM
Very complicated and heartbreaking story. Please don't equate cheating with hobbying. It will fill you with unwanted remorse.
My SO and I stopped sex with each other for medical reasons a 2 years ago. I cannot begin to understand the demons you and your wife are dealing with.
I hope the best for you and your wife.
Why did my wife cheat? She tried her best over 15 years to make me happy. She had sex with me when the entire time she was having flash backs "about something" - but it wasn't pleasant.
I did not know about her sexual abuse until she revealed it to our therapist.
She thought I knew "some" of what she'd been through - so she couldn't understand why I kept insisting on kissing, DATY, etc. It was repulsive to her.
She had always used her attractiveness to get the attention that she craved but was always confused about it.
She just wigged out and thought "my husband doesn't appreciate what I do for him, I'll find someone who does" It escalated. She truly doesn't remember a lot of what happened. If you could see her in therapy you'd know she is telling the truth.
Our therapist tells us that women (and men) who are sexually abused by parents, siblings have a very low self esteem and sub consciously try to overcome that.
Thanks to all for your kind comments - this is incredibly difficult. I still love her immensely.