The Erotic Highway

Open Relationships.... and jealousy
Watch_your_wishes 7718 reads
posted

Dear LG,

I'm very in love with a man I've known for years, and he is very in love with me. We recently got back together after some time apart. I've been an escort for quite some time- it's my only source of income. He's a hobbyist and has been for longer than I've escorted.

We both desire monogamy sometime soon, and I will be working towards seeing that I am able to get by financially after having become so accustomed to the money I've made for years. (Along the same lines, but much less sexually involved.) So right now, we're in an open relationship.

It's hard to step away from this business. Hour-for-hour, there really isn't much else where one can make this sort of money. I'm determined to do it, however, for my own sanity. And the reason I say this is because: I'm having so much trouble dealing with my own jealousy!

I know it's irrational. I believe in equality in relationships, and I could never ask him to be monogamous while I am working. It wouldn't feel right. But at the same time, I am struggling very hard with dealing with my own feelings. I HATE jealousy. I HATE that gnawing feeling that won't go away. For the most part, I'm okay with it. But when that feeling comes over me, it's hell.

How do people cope with such feelings? I'm sure the feeling will never quite go away until we are monogamous, but in the meantime, is there something to make it easier?

Before anyone says anything- I know it's a lot tougher on him than on me. I see more clients than he sees other women. I know that pretty much no matter what in this sort of relationship, "equality" is always going to be a bit off balance. I try to discuss my feelings because it helps me some- in many ways I'm just looking for emotional reassurance. I always then feel guilty, though, because I know it IS tough for him, but he manages to not make me feel bad about it- to even be supportive of me.

Any suggestions?

~WYW
(who always thought open relationships while I'm in this line of work would be lovely... until it came time to put it into reality)

And BTW- I just wanted to say, Love Goddess, that I truly appreciate your taking the time to listen and respond in this forum. I see a counselor with other issues, but I am not comfortable discussing this side of me with anyone in the health industry due to my future career goals. It is very beneficial for this private, secret side of me to be able to ask for advice. Thank you.

Love Goddess6778 reads

Dear Watch_your_wishes,

Thank you for your vote of confidence and your courage in disclosing your deepest feelings. In answer to "how do people cope with such feelings" - this is not an issue where "people" figure ubiquitously and in abundance. The fact is that most "people" are not escorts and hobbyists trying to have bona fide non-paid relationships. But here you are, an unusual couple trying to make it work. The way I see it, it's less an issue of basic jealousy and more an issue of sheer inequality and a reasonable feeling of frustration at the state of things. And why, might one ask?

The problem is that while hobbying with lots of women is basically about "having fun," no strings attached, providing to lots of men is basically "working" under constant self-monitoring and compartmentalization. And therein lies the rub, if I'm not mistaken. Hence, you are not "irrational" in the least, but actually quite rational. Most women - unless they are of the trendy, polyamorous bent - would indeed get very jealous if they knew that their loved one was off dispersing his amorous skills and/or resources (be they financial or emotional) on other ladies, while they were out denying themselves an equal amount of fun just because they had to work. The work itself, be it provider, waitress or college professor doesn't really matter. So, unless you're having non-paid sexual relations with men other than your lover, it doesn't really compare.

Now, a lot of people might say that it DOES compare, because you're there in the arms of other men "having fun." Well, to that I say a big resounding BS. As a provider, you put on a performance that includes quality control, titration of physical and emotional expressions, empathy-giving and in general making sure that the client is having a damn good time and that the session is hitting all its necessary marks.In other words, service as promised. As a provider, you are not in it for selfish thrills, you are there to PROVIDE A SERVICE. This does alter the sexual experience quite a bit (see above.) So I would NEVER QUALIFY YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS AN OPEN ONE - unless you were equally capable of having a good time with guys you just meet off the clock.

If this concept seems weird to you or anyone else, just shift the roles for a moment. Tell your boyfriend that he has to become a paid male escort, to provide gracious and lovely sexual services to all sorts of women, while you get to pick gorgeous hunks of your choice and screw yourself silly. In fact, let's skip the paid aspect altogether and let's just say that you get to screw whoever you want on your own time, while he has to spend time, on the clock, with women he truly doesn't have the hots for - or else he won't have a job.

So of course you "see more clients than he sees other women." For him it's recreation, for you it's a job. And that is why the "equality is always going to be a bit off balance" - and not just "a little," in my opinion. I don't believe the balance will be completely restored until:

a) you break up and go your separate ways
or
b) realize the inequality in the relationship and stop perceiving this as an "open relationship"
or
c) you bite the bullet and stop escorting.

And even if you stop sex working, my concern is that there has been a pattern set where he is used to go off with other women at will, whereas if my hunches are correct, you're sort of a one-man-woman, during non-working circumstances. And I say this never having met you or even remotely knowing who you are, only based on what you are writing to me. And by the way, this assumption has nothing to do with you working as an escort and getting your rocks off with lots of men and therefore being able to stick with him off the clock....my hunch is that you are a super-professional escort, giving top-level service, but that you reserve your utmost emotions and your unbridled passion for one man...in this case your boyfriend. And that, my dear, is where the "jealousy" comes from. If he were as passionate about you as you are about him, he would not be seeing other women. He probably would ask you to stop escorting altogether. And, needless to say, if he is hobbying only to calm his emotions and level the playing field, well, then he is being inauthentic with himself and you ought to take a really good look at the man in whom you have invested your deepest feelings.

My final advice: with all of the above in mind, I believe you need to reframe the issue from jealousy to inequality and a profound altering of the roles and rules in your two-person "family system". And if you can't talk about this with your therapist, maybe it's time to reframe those requirements as well.

Hope it helps,
the Love Goddess

YourOnlySweetheart5989 reads

To a degree but I think you are completely mistaken in thinking that you actually have an "open" relationship. You do not.

You have a job. Hopefully your SO has a job as well. While he is at his job and you are at your job you are both WORKING. Work has nothing to do with your relationship with him unless you make it that way.

You are not "cheating" on him. You are working. I am a married provider and I would cut the nuts straight off my husband if he ever even considered going outside our marriage for sex or anything like that.

I do not seek out men via ANY venue to go and SEEK pleasure with. I am HIRED to perform a service for others. Simple as that.

When I am at work I am "that girl" but when I shower, clean off my make up, put on my sweats and go home I'm ME. I'm a wife and a mother. I am a ridiculously jealous wife. Just because my job is different than others doesn't mean that my husband has the "permission" to seek out other women to sleep with. We have, on two occasions, had threesomes with a few friends of mine and it was something that was fun and exciting but I would never ever agree to allow him to screw around on me without me or behind my back.

You are in a relationship and if you are both committed to each other there is no reason YOU can not have a monogamous relationship. YOU are NOT what you DO.

I understand why you feel like you do, I really do, but I would consider it "cheating" if you actually set out to cheat on your SO with someone whom YOU sought out. Being hired for your services is much different.

Good luck in whatever you wish to do.

Well, actually a lot.

I can't disparage this issue of inequality between having sex as part of your job function and having sex as a form of relaxation and enjoyment.

On the other hand, loving a person is recognizing what their needs are, and what is necessary to meet those needs.

Men, and even women, often have a large need to be polyamourous; God knows I do.

My lover is an escort.  She talks a lot to me about her work, she is also upfront about the fact that she often has very pleasurable times with many of her customers, otherwise she probably would not even continue in this line of work.  I don't think that is such an unusual thing, but of course I hear what my escorts want me to hear.

The point is, both of us know what our needs are.  Would I be happier if my lover only wanted me and no one else?  Perhaps, but I'm not sure and really it doesn't matter because that is not the case.

What I do know is that if I profess to love someone, then I love the entire package, regardless of whether or not some parts of the package make me uncomfortable.

That's what I sign on for.

WYW:  What I suggest you do is imagine what it would be like if you had no jealousy, and see if that is better or worse.

The answer is anything but preordained.

All people differ in what works for them.

The issues of open relationships, jealousy have been well covered by LG and others, but a few other issues came to my mind as I read your post. 1. Has the issue or issues that were involved in your original separation been resolved? 2. The feelings of jealousy often go hand in hand with mistrust. Given his history of hobbying, what is the basis of your trusting him not to do so without your knowledge? Does he have a history of not being truthful with others he's in relationship with, about his hobbying activity? What are the functions, or needs that get met when he hobbies? Will he be able or willing to find other venues that you can approve of (golf, fishing, poker night with the boys)? Or, do you believe that the relationship will be able to replace those needs and functions? What do you base that belief on? And, is your personality one of being basically trustful or distrustful? 3. Given your work, you no doubt have developed a keen sense of what is needed to be in control of a situation. This is no criticism in anyway, and many different types of professionals have to develop the same ability. Yet, many of those professionals have a difficult time turning off that skill once they are transitioning back into family life. Getting feedback from family and friends regarding this matter, and taking long trips together, with him, can give you valuable insight as to whether, or how much this might be an issue once you are together. 5. What do each of you imagine monogamy will bring? Explore each of your fantasies. How realistic are they? How will each of you deal with any disappointment if they are not realized? How do each of you typically deal with disappointment? Do you typically experience disappointment with a small d or a capital D? How has monogamy worked out for each of you in the past? 6. Regarding your therapist and notes, usually notes only become an issue when you are using insurance for treatment, in a child custody case, or involved in litigation where you are bring up your mental status as an issue. Most therapists know how to legally take notes so as to track your mental status without revealing personal content. Talk to him/her and see what his/her policy is. If you are uncomfortable with it, find another therapist.

Disclaimer-These are just the thoughts that came to my mind and you may have thought all or some of them already, and resolved them to your satisfaction.

Good luck and I hope you find the happiness you seek and deserve.

-- Modified on 7/10/2008 9:51:32 AM

I fell hard for a provider almost 2 years ago and I was surprised at the jealousy I experienced since I went into the experience with my eyes wide open.

I very strongly believe that there are only two root emotions- fear and love. Love attracts, fear repels. Fear is at the root of all 'negative' emotions. After a lot of work on myself, I was finally able to find my fears that were causing the jealousy. Some of those fears are just the price we pay for living in this animal body with its hormones and stuff but I was able to uncover a good bit of other stuff that I either thought I had dealt with previously or had no idea was down there in my musty old psyche.

Sometimes it can be very useful to follow the pain (As Freud might say). What worked for me was to try to sit with the jealousy and experience it while trying to find the source. Look for the origin rather than focus on the effects. Not an easy thing, though. There were a few times when I thought I was literally going crazy.

FWIW, I am still very close with the provider who is the object of my affections. The shit that our relationship has dredged up for me has been invaluable in terms of my personal growth. Sometimes about as far from fun as one can get but always important and productive.

I know this about jealousy: it is an overpowering and totally irrational emotion.  I was bitten once and the object of my affections was a lady who I had found boring and a bit dull; a lady I hoped would find someone else.  When she did, I found myself totally possessed by jealousy: the most horrible emotion. I agree with what has been said about the inequality of your relationship.  I would also wonder if your SO could ever give up hobbying.  I also agree with LG re:your therapist.  Can you really benefit from a therapeutic relationship which excludes this vital part of your life?
The more I learn about the life of professional ladies, the more respect I have for the complexities of the profession.    

-- Modified on 7/10/2008 7:28:39 PM

-- Modified on 7/11/2008 5:25:19 AM

mark60735976 reads

I have been reviewing TER discussions and TER reviews for quite some time.  I must admit that I have fantasized about being in a relationship or marriage to a provider.  I find the comments by providers most interesting when they say it is a job and they want their SO or spouse to be true or monogamous.  I see the point “it’s a job.”  But that ignores the fact that part of their job is having sex with others and it also ignores the fact that there must be some pleasure in having that sex with others that the Provider is receiving, otherwise they would not be a provider.  While they may be in it for the money, they are still deriving a varying degree of pleasure from what they are doing.  As a result, it would seem to me that the provider should understand that her SO or spouse similarly wants to derive some pleasure from having sex with other people.  That does not mean that the SO or Spouse does not still love the provider, it simply means that he likes having sex with others just the same as he likes other hobbies or activities that do not include the provider.  As a result, isn’t that then the open relationship attitude or mind set that WYW originally set out?

my2cnts5826 reads

I agree with many of LG's points.  But I knew someone would make this argument. I don't agree with your opinion of why the SO wants to see other women, they're could be a lot of reasons.  

But I do agree with your first statement.  IMO this may still be work at its basic level.  But there is nothing that says a provider has to deep down hate it.  She could very well enjoy it and many do.  Maybe that is why the OP feels guilty? Maybe she is enjoying it more than she wants?

I have a friend in San Francisco whose wife is a porn star.  She does hard core shoots which often feature more than one man CIM.  My friend claims he gets off watching these, but he finds himself getting very jealous if she pays too much purely social attention to another man at a party, the kind of thing none of us would even notice nor care about if we did. There is simply no doing a transactional analysis on this kind of thing.  There is clearly inequality in the situation as described: she is working, he is hobbying.  Big difference, but
One hopes she is enjoying her work and her interaction with her clients the very deep and personal way I love to care for my patients.  So she is getting pleasure out of her work which includes sex with many men.  He likes to hobby  (as we here all do) and will probably have trouble giving it up.  Can he deal with the pleasure she gets out of what amounts to having sex with other men? Can she deal with his pleasures with other women?  There is simply no analyzing these feelings away, but good therapy might help each understand the underlying feelings and issues and decide what he/she can and can not happily accept and under what limits. Unfortunately, she has barred this area of her life from her therapy and no one is mentioning couples therapy. Like many things in life, there is no simple answer...you really can't figure.

I am in an open relationship, and I have to say that I'm right here struggling with you.  I have not handled my jealousy in the best ways, and I still regret that.  Next time, I tell myself, his next relationship will be more successful -- this girl moved in on some other territory of mine (I was trying to find a girlfriend, and she blew my chances with a girl I really liked), so that has NOT helped my ability to cope with her presence in my boyfriend's life.  Still, I try to let my boyfriend see her as often as he can.. and I try to keep my mouth shut about it.

All you can do is vent about your jealousy when it rears its ugly head (but try not to be too mean about it).  Jealousy is a normal human emotion; I think that virtually all poly couples struggle with it.  There is jealousy on both sides of the fence, I know it.  Just keep in mind that you are doing what you HAVE to do, on a temporary basis.

If possible, I suggest you meet some other poly couples and talk to them about your struggles.  You are welcome to talk to me, you can e-mail me at [email protected] and get my AIM handle.

vannessa5031 reads

Take it one day at a time with him.
Eventually he will do one of two things, stop seeing you or he will begin to financially assist you. I am not saying he should financially take care of you. From my experience, once a hobbyists gets past the point of just wanting to see you on the clock. He will change dramatically. A hobbyist can love you unconditionally or live to resent you for the way you met. However, from my experience, if a hobbyist truly loves you. You can call yourself "Pretty Woman" - There are true life Richard Geres out there. Embrace your new found situation. Indulge in the adrenaline that you will sometimes see yourself in. Many good things can come from this. Don't question it. If you would leave this business for him and he is willing to help you. There you have your answer. If you decide you don't want his help but would rather do it on your own without him, he may feel insulted. Different strokes for different folks. I think you are blessed by having that feeling of love for someone. Its good to know that you can still love and care for someone even if they are not with you. Just take it one day at a time. Something is bound to happen. One of you will give in. I wish you good luck and keep us posted. If you are ever in South Florida, look me up. I have a very Happy story to share. Cheers! Vannessa in Miami [email protected]

Open relationships lead to jealousy, envy, even hate. It's that simple.

Jealousy, envy, hate, all those negative emotions are just stages of the same emotional feeling. Those feelings come from our primitive side, the ID as Freud labeled it.

Humans by our very nature are selfish to assure our own survival and the survival of our offspring. One author Richard Dawkins called it the "Selfish Gene". Humans are motivated to take actions which benefit themselves first to assure their survival.

So jealously, envy and hate in an open relationship derive from one's own selfish desire to keep a mate for oneself to assure your own survival and survival of the offspring you you might have. Very primitive emotions humans have had our beginning. These same behaviors can be see in our close animal relatives, the primates.

Mathesar5201 reads

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-- Modified on 7/17/2008 1:00:05 AM

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