Be a loss in my life. This world is alternative but true friendships do develop. If you feel that you can fall back and maintain yourself as a quiet person who knew him, then I say go if your soul is pulling you there. If not, better you maintain your quiet place in his life and permit his family to grieve quietly and privately. May his memory in your life be forever a smile in your heart.
So in the short time I've been doing this I think the saddest/most awkward thing I've ever experienced happened to me today. I I have a longtime friend and client of mine who I have phone conversations with at least once a month. Sometimes he calls me, sometimes I call him, etc... So here I was, doing my usual check in when a woman answers the phone. Now I don't usually call my clients for obvious reasons but for the select few who I do this with, I always have a story ready just in case a wife or family member answers. Anyway, I went into my usual spiel but before I could finish she tells me she's his wife and starts sobbing to say that he's just passed away.... Here's the kicker; she starts telling me how I should come down to the funeral and that she's going to send me the information. Just a terrible situation all around... I just hope she doesn't do a search on my phone number...
Not saying he didn't die, but it could be a trap.
Yeah I thought that at first too but I looked into it and it was all over his company website and in the obituaries... just a sad day in general.
and obviously knew him more than just as a client because you were calling, is never easy to deal with. Sadly it never gets any easier to deal with. I've lost count of how many wakes and funerals I've attended and as I mature with age, they seem to happen more often. Some were family, some were friends and the worst have been friends who lost their child.
So it's OK to feel sad. We all grieve in our own way. It should also serve as a reminder that life is fragile and that we owe it ourselves to live each day to the fullest.
Odd. Ignore. You owe nothing. Trust your gut.
parts of me die on occasion, but a caring and resourceful provider taking charge will usually lead to a resurrection of sorts. .
-- Modified on 5/24/2017 4:55:24 PM
my wife would do. Inadvertently invite a hooker I'm seeing to my funeral. Hopefully he got a good laugh out of that one.
No doubt he would've gotten a HUGE kick out of that if he were still alive lol.
attend the funeral. Perhaps she always knew about you, and is now deciding to use her husband's funeral as an opportunity to draw you out in the open just so she can create a scene and embarrass you. I get that he was your friend who you genuinely cared for outside the hobby, and I regret to learn of his passing even though I've never met the man personally, but common sense must always prevail, especially under your circumstances. I can't tell you not to attend, but if you must, then be careful and watch your back. Otherwise, you can make up an excuse as to why you can't attend. Tell her you have to leave town to attend your granny's funeral, or your cousin's wedding (it doesn't have to be a sad occasion), and then stay home and privately honor his memory, and all the good times you had together in your own way.
Yeah I had no intentions of going at all... just gonna play it safe. It is pretty sad tho because he was such a nice man. I will miss our chats!
Go.
You already stated that his company website had the info.
So I'd suspect that the funeral will be large.
Sit in the back of the church, if he's a Christian, keep to yourself, pay your respects...because respect is exactly what it is...and leave quietly
and went to 3 funerals....
1 the wife called me. I already knew her. She knew what was going on and had even cooked me dinner a few times. Helped her a few times with Cancer issues.
Another literally knew no one and came with a guy friend, as my boyfriend. Knew a cover story.
The 3rd... I knew his whole family and was invited. He had made a choice to be only my friend. Started as a client. Got to know his family and he got to know mine.
It's hard. Got to have cover if going. Don't taint their name if you go.
I would have went to another but never knew because he lived in another state and I found out later. I know most don't care, but after awhile I DO care.
Wow... thanks for the interesting perspective! If anything was going to make me actually consider going it was your post. Sounds like you have cultivated some really close relationships over the years.
Bring a guy friend and try to think of some way you knew him....
Maybe you waited on him at whatever restaurant he loved? Even if you got to claim you no longer work there, that can work well. If you don't know his favorite or one he goes to, just say a cafe close to his house.
My condolence Sierra. It's sad to loose someone you care about especially a good friend.
Its so hard loosing anyone let alone someone you have become close to and intimate with and obviously you have become friends..I have no advice about attending the funeral except go with your gut, maybe even stay towards the back of the crowd , just in case you suspect she knows.its a tough one, I'm sorry you lost your buddy.
my deepest condolences,
Raven
...have to talk to anyone. Sit in the back and listen to all the nice things that will be said about him. Leave after the services and don't go to the reception.
My father used to attend many funerals, even for people who were just casual acquaintances of his. He used to joke that he attended them because, as he put it: "If you don't attend someone's funeral, don't expect them to attend yours."
By the way, when he passed away, he had a very large funeral.
As for the saddest experience I had connected with the hobby, was meeting a long time favorite at the MP at which she worked. We were pretty close and I knew her whole life story by this time. She seemed a bit off when we met, and so I asked her if there was anything wrong. She said she just learned her dad* had died some weeks ago (He lived in Scotland.) and she only found out about it now. Then she broke down in tears. We spent the entire hour just talking and holding each other close.
This was nearly 20 years ago, and we are still very close.
*Her relationship with him, not to mention her entire family, was very complicated, to say the least.
When you are a naturally caring person sometimes it can get in the way of staying on your toes...kinda makes you lower your guard. I know you might want to attend his funeral but remember discretion is a must no matter what! And I wouldn't particularly trust his wife people grieve in different ways and once she sees you it might turn to rage. Such a terrible situation! Just be safe!
Funerals are for the living. And this is someone with a family and work relationships and unless he shared your time with them, which is doubtful, you need to let them gain closure on their life with him.
There are many ways to show your feelings for this man without attending the funeral. Find a nice sunny day when you don't have anything on your calendar and bring a bouquet of flowers to his grave and sit there and swap stories for a while.
Remember him. Smile a knowing smile to yourself and talk to him when you're alone, from time to time. Drink to him every now and then... but I don't thing being at the funeral is the classy thing to do and you seem like a classy lady.
-- Modified on 5/26/2017 6:46:50 PM
I don't think is going to be "The Susie" funeral from Seinfeld or the "Chuckles the Clown" funeral from Mary Tyler Moore. I am picturing numerous "Who is she?" whispers. At least the most unknown secretary from his workplace has a reason to be there ("I saw him once and gave him a pencil. Other than that, the company gave us a half-day off if we would be here.")
.
Do you have any reasonable answer that you can provide if asked? If not, stay away but keep him in your thoughts.
Parade Magazine (still supplied on Sundays with some newspapers) had an article about the aggravation of receiving mis-dialed phone calls (phones were still rotary dials then).
The article told of one guy who responded this way:
"You want Joe?" There was no Joe there, but he answered " I am sorry to tell you that Joe died recently".
You say that you have a "usual spiel"; maybe the wife does also.
A provider friend said she received a call from a client's wife, informing her that he has HIV. You can imagine the distress that caused (she tested negative).
What's that saying, "Hell hath no fury...???"
Be a loss in my life. This world is alternative but true friendships do develop. If you feel that you can fall back and maintain yourself as a quiet person who knew him, then I say go if your soul is pulling you there. If not, better you maintain your quiet place in his life and permit his family to grieve quietly and privately. May his memory in your life be forever a smile in your heart.