I've been a provider for nearly six years. Though I've tried to have a normal social life, I've failed in the past and have given up on the idea until I met him on a dating website. We've been dating for a couple of months and I think he's the right guy for me. But I'm scared of letting him know about this aspect of my life I'm not proud of (though I've already planned for some time to retire this year even before I met him). He's a decent guy with a full time job and a steady income. I'm now ready to give up this job and work on this relationship.
I need some advice from my sisters in this community.
If you are planning on quitting to be with him, then no need to tell, unless it comes up somehow.
No one really wants to know about your sexually past and honestly it is not really any of their business especially since it is also half someone else personal business.
Just quit, take down your website, disconnect your number and act as if this all never happened. Focus on your future and him.
Good advice from Vanica. What he doesn't know will never hurt him. Now if he's expecting a virgin, that's another story. LOL
better to come clean now before we start investing all that time and realize he won't accept me for my past? How many of you guys would date, or even marry, someone who's provided?
-- Modified on 4/2/2006 9:45:34 PM
I would have no problem dating or even marrying a girl who is a former provider. the key is the word former. I think any guy would have a problem with his girlfriend/wife continuing in this profession
You are asking the wrong people dear. Use your thinking hat: ALL of us would date a provider (duh), and most would marry one in a heartbeat if the right chemistry is there...
Now, my opinion - there is no sense in telling him now. 99.99% chance that if you do, you'll scare him away. It would be wiser to keep your skeletons where they belong - in a closet.
If the guy do find out later (say - after you have his 3rd child), there is a much better chance that he'll accept it.
then nothing you say can break it. However, such relationships are rare and not everyone is very forgiving or willing to overlook not being told or the truth. You must assess him, his beliefs/world view and the relationship to decide what to do. Some people can handle the truth now or later and others cannot. Personally, I'd like to be with someone and share our secrets. On the other hand, you yourself aren't strong enough to hold onto your secret, it could very well eat at you over time unless you come to grips with all possible outcomes.
I agree with Vanica. I'm of the mindset that ignorance is bliss (although I'm the curious type). I doubt that he will find out if you do what Vanica says. The only thing that might mess you up is running into a former client, who is totally a social idiot (i.e. will walk up and talk to you about your business).
Take it from this brother- Instead of spilling ALL the beans why not tell him that you've had relations with MANY men; the fact that you were compensated for it need not be divulged! This way you don't jeopardize your relation with him and you can go back to what you were doing if the relation fails.....Just my .02cents
First, you seem like YOU aren't happy about what you do. Try not to confuse that with his feelings about your job. Assuming that you have another public way of earning money, I'd say you don't need to tell him directly. If you want out of your provider life, you should move on, but don't make him an excuse to do so. It'll only cause problems later.
In any event, I hope it works out for you.
Under no circumstances should you tell him about being an escort! It's none of his business in the first place, and make no mistake, this profession is not considered to be as acceptable as being an executive assistant, a bank teller, an ad account executive, etc... don't kid yourself for a minute about that! We escorts have to create our own level of high self-esteem and take pride in what we do! I know I conduct my business in an honest, ethical manner and that all I need to know to be comfortable with being an escort. Don't expect that you will be able to 'cum out of the closet' and be welcomed with opened arms by any segment of the general public!
Do as Vanica advises and remove your 'escort' profile from the web. If he finds out about it anyway, most likely he's a snoop who is just looking for trouble. If he is snooping around on you, most likely he thinks he’s led a blameless life himself, and feels he has a right to sit in judgment of you what you might have done in the past. There's someone like that on every street corner in the US... you can do a whole lot better than that, really! And as another poster advised, if by chance this relationship doesn't work out, you can always do your escort thing again!
Whatever happens, I want to wish you the very best of luck and all the true happiness you deserve.
kisses
Suzanne in San Diego
-- Modified on 4/3/2006 12:28:41 AM
great point made in the beginning girl...You are so right!
I cannot honestly say how I would respond. It would largely depend on our relationship and how I view you! I am an older dude, have been with many ladies and was married and have kids by her. In short, you would be getting "an experienced gent" in me. How could I criticize you?
If you are good at this job, I would think that you should be proud, as if done correctly, this is not easy. Those that embrace this profession, are indeed, by my observation, stronger for it. But our society puts a very different standard on the behavior of men and women.
There are certainly no guarantees in this world, but one thing that I have discovered, it is a small world. Should you tell him? Project forward. You run across someone at a function who knows of your past, and they mention or say, "hey, I remember you as so&so, we certainly had good times!?" Which will lead to other questions and truth or lies... but in either case, it was not you who told me, and lies are the one thing that I cannot abide.
Should he not be able to understand your circumstances that led to this profession, would he be worthy of you? Many in this profession are decent, intelligent people. Thats right, to me they are people first, escorts? Maybe 4th or 5th. they are, most of them, so many things, students, mothers, accountants, lawyers, psychologists and the list goes on.
So, I do not know if you should tell him, I have just given you one more perspective and hope that it will help, and not harm. My prayers go with you.
My goodness, a real true Gentleman...my knees are weak....I need to thank you ...for all of us ladies for realizing we are only human too.
I am for complete honesty in relationships -- my boyfriend knows what I do (we were together before it started) It is openly communicated, and I abide by his rules of what he's comfortable with me doing in a session, and certainly don't turn him down for being tired or whatever -- trying to minimize the loss he experiences by me being thus employed in every way possible.
I feel it would be wrong and developing your relationship on false pretenses not to tell him the truth as soon as the relationship is turning serious. Honesty is paramount in a relationship.
That being said, there is a societal stigma. Telling him could mean losing him. For me, that is action and consequence. I assume you considered future relationships when entering the profession, that's responsibility. However, if you don't feel comfortable telling him (and I would admit some might not want to know-) at least tell him you have been very sexually active. He deserves to know that much, cast in any light.
you will regret it. If someone claims to know something later on, deny it and act indignant that the subject was broached...that's what any guy would do.
Good luck, love is hard to find.
BTW, I would not care if I became invoved with a provider; most guys would.
That is a tough question. From a guys perspective most guys would prob get turned off by it. Me personnally....would not care either way. It might make me more interested in the girl in the aspect as to learn more about the profession from a provider's view. I think that if you get serious with this person, it is best to tell him. As for the best time, it would prob be best only after you two have been dating serouisly for long enough that you feel that it should be he should know this. Hope that helps. Good luck!
Do men tell us everything? No, and with good reason. Don't say a thing about your profession if you're planning on retiring anyway. Just make sure you take extra precautions in the disease-prevention category over the next impending weeks.
I think it's great that you've fallen in love. Be sure that you and him are on the same wavelength before you start taking down your website and ads, though, because these things could get costly and timely if he's not as interested in you as you think he is.
If some idiot comes up to you in the future and says, "You look like a provider I used to know." Deny, deny, deny! Your S.O. will probably laugh and feel flattered that you look so hot.
What can I say? I've learned over the years to be honest, but sometimes you have to tell a little white lie. No one, and I mean no one really wants honest answers about some issues. Wink!
Hugs,
Ciara
Awesome post Ciara.
him. He's not thrilled about it but has not asked me to quit. I took a chance and am prepared to live with the consequences. I'm planning to quit in one to two months.
I want to say congratulations. I think that you did the right thing. I hope that it works out for you. If this changes the way that he feels for you, then it was not ment to be anyway. Good luck!
... how can you lot advocate lying to someone whilst thinking of having a serious relationship with them??? What's worse, a former hooker or a big fat liar??
All of us girls are "providers", you guys are punters and most of us have fun. That's part of who we are, and six years of this lass's life! I don't exactly think it's wise to start confessing en masse to wives but isn't it best for this girl to explain to the new and potential "one" who may share the rest of her life, from the start? It also helps both of you to decide if you're right for eachother: he might not like your past or you his reaction... if that's the case then ta ta.
This lying lark is horrible. Call me naive but I fully intend to meet my future sweetheart ala Pretty Woman. Oh forget it I fall in love every week....;o)
I think you should tell him, perferably with a smile whilst on top....;o) If he's not excited at the prospect of having a sexpot girlfriend, then he's gay anyway!!
Good luck whatever happens girlie... xxx
There are many men, me included, who would love to be with an escort full time. I wouldn't want to be with a liar no matter what. Every man has a right to know what the truth is in these instances. If he bails, you have tons of potential mates within the bounds of this community. That may be your very best choice anyway. Remember that ladies.
Good for you, hun. Honesty is the central tenant of any successful relationship. I despise lying, especially to someone you claim to love.
Good luck.
Just curious...he must think that you are gainfully employed somehow. I am going to assume that your 9 to 5 job is legit. Otherwise you have that explanation to contend with as well.
How will you feel if he accidentally finds out? I hope you haven't had any problems with law enforcement which would certainly leave a record in anyone did a background check.
Will you live your life always looking over your shoulder to see if anyone recognizes you? If you think you are always going to be walking on egg shells, then it may be best to talk to him about your life as a provider. Maybe you should consult a few couples or realtionship counselors first.
Sounds like one for the Maury Povitch show...
I can tell you, from a perspective of someone who has been there, keep it to yourself. I have intimate knowledge of what both of you would go through, I think both of you would be happier if this is one skeleton left in the closet.
Sam
Seriously; don't ask, don't tell.
My "this is really a guy" alarm is going off big time. I think I even know who the guy is.