TER General Board

Chemistry...red_smile
JourdanJames See my TER Reviews 6070 reads
posted

For hobbyists, how important would you say chemistry is between you and your provider during a session? Obviously during an extended meeting the two (or more) of you will have to speak to each other eventually... But what about shorter meetings say for 60, 90, or even 120 minutes? Do you really care if the two of you click? Or is it enough for her to just look appealing and "fulfill her duty", so to speak?  

I have met with plenty of gentleman who INSIST that my pleasure or how much I enjoy myself is paramount to them while they are with me, but as soon as I try to correct them while we are physically intertwined or challenge their opinion in conversation I am balked at or outright shutdown. Now this isn't a plea for help or a "woe is me, I don't have any clients that care about me" attention-seeking post. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I sincerely enjoy seeing my ATF and regulars and when it becomes clear to me that a friend, new or old, and I are no longer able to see eye-to-eye I simply disengage instead of trying to whine, complain, or change the individual in question.  

I am genuinely curious though, do you guys feel it makes you more appealing or attractive to say you want us to feel comfortable or that you want to please us even though you aren't physically, mentally, or emotionally equipped to follow through when we try to hold you accountable? Once you've secured a meeting with a provider the battle is already won, you don't technically need to do anything to impress us.. So why say anything at all? Why put the effort into a false gesture? Is it an ego thing?  

For me, chemistry is more than just the palpable, carnal electricity between two individuals. It's that AND things like sharing a similar taste in humor and holding mirroring ideals for reverence as well as how to exhibit and exercise that reverence for another person. I like meeting new people and hearing different perspectives, so even when we don't agree on everything I like feeling as if the person I'm with is mature enough to not only give audience to but put effort into understanding another's viewpoint.  

Providers feel free to chime in with your perspective as well. I'm still fairly new to the hobby but I'm positive I'm not the only one who's experienced something like this..

..since some providers are so nervous meeting me for the first time that I will do everything in my power in making sure that the chemistry is as good in person as it must have been during back & forth of the session email/text exchange.  

On those very rare occasions that we just don't click, well then I am just going thru the motions until it's time to leave. Not to say that a chemistry-less session is completely terrible, but it could never be the GFE that I was looking (and paying) for. There is little doubt (under those circumstances) that there would be no repeat sessions.

Have you ever felt that there was chemistry but the provider did not and as a result chose to stop seeing you? If so, how did you react?  

I really have a low tolerance for drama. I'm not shy but definitely introverted and sensitive. I'd much rather just be as straightforward in my communication as possible instead of wasting time or energy trying to change something beyond my control or act out passive aggressively. I try to be as polite and respectful as possible so it's possible that when I disengage it comes as a surprise but I'm just not an explosive personality. If you upset me I'll definitely let you know but I'm not going to scream at you or call you every name in the book. I say what I mean the first time. If we don't see eye-to-eye then I'm just going to move on for my own sanity....

I feel like I have come across gentleman (not a majority but definitely a few) who lack self awareness and when I express that they aren't necessarily behaving the way they project themselves to be, it just goes right over their heads like an annoyingly nightmarish system overload/ does not compute scenario.

I have never had a provider ask to not see me again. In fact many let me know when they are back in town in case i want to book again.

I don't approach this hobby as men do (at least some of them). I don't have a sense of entitlement that some may have, and always treat women with respect. In fact I have probably talked myself out of a few session due to a feeling that the provider was not entirely comfortable in seeing me. Perhaps it was imagined and all in my head. I guess I'll never know.

You sound like a sweetheart!  

I often find myself wondering how many clients/hobbyists find themselves engaging in with providers because they need to or because they can... Ya know what I mean?

John_Laroche137 reads

Sure it's a must for longer (+2 hour) sessions, but even an hour or 90 minute session with my ATF would be lacking if we didn't have that genuine rapport. I also wouldn't repeat nearly as often if it was just a fulfillment of duty on her part.  

I agree that some men can't take constructive criticism or a contrary opinion from a woman. As far as your clients not being  physically, mentally, or emotionally equipped to follow through, well maybe you need to work on your screening. To me, the battle is won when we agree to settle a dispute over drinks.  

Last, but not least, kudos to you Jourdan for having a rate structure conducive to longer engagements.

As far as my screening is concerned I'm fairly, perhaps even excessively at times, stringent. As I've mentioned I am still fairly new and there has been a learning curve (thankfully nothing more severe than an annoyance) but I don't think it's fair to say that it's a result of my screening standards that I have encountered gentlemen that who lack self awareness or aren't mature enough to effectively process a critique or even a different point of view.  

Chemistry is entirely subjective. No two people are going to have the same interaction. I have met with clients who have provided me with numerous provider references that have raved about them, but that's not necessarily what I've experienced. We're just talking about perceived behavioral quirks, but say a client assaulted me even though they provided me with all of the necessary employment/identity verification on top of provider references and various hobbyist screening service/discussion board handles. They passed every precautionary safety test I could've thrown at them with flying colors but still ended up assaulting ME.  They were perfect gentleman with Chrissy, Jessica, and Maria but for some reason they decided to assault me Jourdan. It might not have even been the first time we met. My point is, someone else's emotional baggage or toxic behavior is not my responsibility nor is it my fault. I can do everything right but I can't ever control someone else's thoughts or behavior.. I'm not going to shoulder accountability for another's actions, especially when we're talking about consenting adults. THANK GOD the above example doesn't apply to me personally but I feel like it's dismissive and bordering victim-blaming to say that someone's actions towards you are somehow your responsibility.

Fyi, I'm not offended just participating in the discourse. I appreciate your POV JL, thanks for chiming in!

John_Laroche85 reads

especially because my comment was somewhat of a tongue-in-cheek poke!

I agree that chemistry is very subjective. I've read plenty of reviews where one client made a derogatory comment about a given provider's "personality trait" and I thought it was the thing I liked about her best.

There are two types of atfs. There are chemistry atfs, and there are get off atfs. As for the chemistry atfs it’s never an insistence, rather it just happens. With get off atfs, you know you’re going to get a hard charging roll in the hay. With chemistry atfs the sex lingers, the conversation continues, and the lines blur somewhat. With get off atfs, when the roll is over, you’re outta there. Both are important to the discerning gentleman. However, to be perfectly honest, once chemistry takes hold, those ladies get 80% of my money.  

It’s the damnedest thing. All day I’ve been trying to decide who I should see with my free time coming up. A hard charger is coming into town that day. Miss Chemistry is also available. I actually made a list of the pros and cons for each, and still couldn’t decide. But thanks to your post, I finally decided. Miss Chemistry gets the nod. If she’s busy, Miss Hard Charger will always fit me in. Thanks!

I love those little serendipitous moments! I'm glad my curiousity was able to help you in your quandary! I hope you have a great time with whichever lady you end up seeing this week :)

I really appreciate your perspective as well. It hadn't occurred to me that a client would seek out a provider for a niche experience as opposed to a "full package" for lack of a better term. You guys DO have options after all lol.

Back in the day niche was the word. Sometimes you wanted a certain hair color. Sometimes a certain boob size (not just large). Sometimes you wanted a certain pussy type. Sometimes you wanted a certain acronym, a fbsm, without the sex, a certain tightness of skin. If you're open to all races, that was a huge factor. There were/are ladies for every fantasy. Sometimes you played Escort Roulette. First legitimate ad to pop up, or first lady to respond. The list goes on and on. Chemistry was big, but sometimes you needed to play rock star.  

One time I was driving home from a chemistry atf, when I discovered I was still horny as hell. So I called a hard charger atf, and saw her too. That was incredible. The niche version of a double.  

and I've had it with a handful. What I really seek, though, is the kind of chemistry that makes me want to come back again and again and again. That's only happened twice. The second time, I knew in the first half hour I'd be seeing her many times.

I want to hear what the provider has to say, how she thinks, what she finds funny. Women are fascinating, and I love getting to know (most of) them.

It sounds like you and I would get on absolutely terribly ;)

I'm introverted so I actually prefer to give whoever I'm with audience and soak up what I can of them before exerting too much of myself or my personality onto them. That doesn't mean I'm shy, far from it! I just tend to feel more comfortable with pretty much everyone I interact with after hearing about them and getting a gauge for their personalities. It sounds like if you and I were to ever meet we'd spend an exasperatingly fair amount of time exchanging "No please, go on!"s  XD

...with almost all of my encounters. I'll attend Meet & Greets for the specific purpose of gauging whether we have the potential for chemistry to support an extended session (most of my encounters are at least 2 hours in length and some fun longer, to overnights). Without chemistry, such extended sessions would be a disaster.

I'm not a "get off & get out" kinda guy, so reading reviews, doing research, checking out her electronic presence, etc., -- all are a part of establishing that elusive bond. I've met a number of providers this year who fall into the category of "kindred spirits" in what we're seeking and I've repeated with them.

Once we've established that level of trust and (dare I say it?) intimacy -- then things truly get interesting. We're both more comfortable with each other and the explorations take wing.

I'm not sure why it had not occurred to me that clients would be looking for  a "get off and get out" or "hard knocking" (I think I got that right?) meeting until I read Mojojo's response above. Very interesting. It makes sense and I feel sort of silly for not having considered it before. I really just assumed most Johns are looking for an "experience" of sorts, ESPECIALLY when acronyms like GFE are being thrown around.

GaGambler136 reads

I don't need to "connect" on anything more than a physical level to enjoy myself or feel "chemistry" in a one hour session. Quite frankly I am not looking for anything more than that in a session, although I will confess I have found a LOT more at times even though I wasn't looking for it.

What often passes as "chemistry" is the woman's ability to convince the guy (rightly or wrongly) that she is enjoying the session just as much as him.

Now "some" guys really do want that "connection" and they are the guys most likely who are going to be booking the longer sessions, but you'd be surprised how often "chemistry" is confused with what is actually just "great service"

Senor, she's stalking you...Do us all a favor and finally just do her...So she isn't 18, but she's a pisana.
End it now...it's getting pathetic her chasing your sorry ass. Just do her..

spilling our seed, many of us would just go to a rub and tug and get a HJ or BJ, and save a ton of money in the process.  For me, the social game is as important, if not more, than the sexual aspect.  I want to have an experience that engages all of  my senses, as well as my mind, so I most often do two hour sessions, which leaves enough time for stimulating conversation and getting to know each other, bracketed by a couple of orgasms, one before and one after the stimulating conversation.  I have found my connection and chemistry with a provider, and accordingly my desire to repeat often in the beginning, is tied more to the social time we spend together than the sexual time.  In other words, I go there for the sex, but the chemistry is what makes me return.    

I repeat Larouche's compliment on your rate structure.  It shows you understand the importance of chemistry in acquiring regular customers, and that the more time you spend together in the beginning, the better the chemistry and likelihood of repeating.  One more thing, if I can change the subject:  You have a spectacular ass.    

If we don't like each other, why bother?  Just move on.  Fortunately, most of the ladies I've met in this game feel the same way...   :)

but it can be nice. There are some escorts that just don't want to "connect" and are still a lot of fun. A lot.
Chemistry is nice when you like to repeat. Like me.  

But chemistry doesn't always include passion which is much more important to me. I don't wants woman who I connect with but is a wet blanket in bed.  

What I like with my chemistry is Electricity. A sexually charged session where you're spent when you're done but you still want more. Right then, the next day or as soon as possible. Electricity baby, electricity

I mean how can it be gfe without the chemistry sizzling or simmering.  I do. It has to be there.  You are curling into each other physically and emotionally blending into one entity of delight.  That just cannot happen without chemistry.  

I have had awkward sessions.  Ones where I am asked for gfe and realize they are looking for the disconnection of an encounter of activity.  The connection does not happen because that was not the mission.  What these gents really meant was that they wanted the typical 'services' of gfe but with a more tantric approach.  This is ok too...I see them again sometimes but it is not the devotion of true Gfe.  Feels more like pse if you know what I mean.  

Both styles are ok...certainly I know plenty of ladies who have a preference.  Some men just do not want to connect, some can't connect, and some fear connection.  For me, connection is truly a sensual and intrapsychic healing with or without consummation. In this world of individuality and too busy as a disease, morphing into each other whether a chance encounter or a fusing of minds and bodies, the ritual works.

most of the time. There is nothing any better than
having that Electricity flowing with that special lady that you  
have come back to see.. your friendship is sooo good that if you met  
her originally outside of the hobby you would easily be good friends in  
the civvie world..

This to me is what makes the hobby SO special..you just look so forward
to seeing her again!

Thank you for your input Caressa! I was hoping a few providers would chime in with their perspective!

I agree with everything you said. Chemistry is sort of akin to communication in a way right? Initiating and reacting to stimuli both verbal and non-verbal. What I am wondering is if you've met with a gentleman who claims that your pleasure/enjoyment/comfort are important to them but then after you try to direct them they disregard your directions either insisting that they (somehow) know better/are "the best or they suddenly are more concerned with things proceeding the way that they most want and with only their pleasure in mind.

 I'm so long-winded & it's taking me forever to get to my point. Basically a client verbally SAYS that how much you enjoy yourself socially (but usually physically) is not only important to them but correlates directly to how much they will enjoy themselves. And then as soon as you try to insert your preferences you're met with passive aggression because your preference is not theirs, or in the heat of the moment they remind you (probably mostly themselves) that they are "king" or "the best" or whatever essentially dismissing what you clearly stated and continuing to do whatever they THINK is most pleasurable.  

Really I wrote this post because I'm wondering if it's a compulsive ego thing where they feel they have to say one thing even though they might not mean it because it fits the narrative they have fixed in their minds of themselves or because they still feel like they want to woo or impress the providers they meet with? Like, why waste the effort? Ya know?

GaGambler136 reads

Does this conversation sound familiar?

"Honey what kind of food would you like for dinner?"

"Oh I don't care, whatever you decide is fine with me"

"Ok, how about Italian?"

"No way, you know I don't like Italian"

"Ok, how about Chinese"

"Again???!!!, we ALWAYS have Chinese, I am sick of Chinese food"

"Ok, how about that new fusion restaurant"

"sheesh, you KNOW how I feel about trying new places"

"OK well then YOU pick one!!!"

"No, anyplace you want is fine with me"

 

I purposely didn't say which was the man and which was the woman as the roles are interchangeable lol

and I think there is always chemistry of some sort present. It is like a scale, sometimes the chemistry is powerful, sometimes it is weak.  

I agree that there are two components to the chemistry between two people; the physical/carnal and a psychological/emotional component. Both are wonderful, and either can carry a successful shorter date. However when both are present.... wow.  

I also think chemistry waxes and wanes; when we feel a little off, the chemistry falls a bit and when we are feeling like we can take on the world, the chemistry can be potent. Those serendipitous days, when we have the makings of powerful chemistry - they can be incredible, magic.

Whenever I have a date, I do my best to bring out the best chemistry possible - for both of us. It takes two to tango, even when the dance is horizontal.  

I've maybe been fortunate, but I've never been kicked out of bed (or asked to not return), and I've only very, very rarely felt like something was missing or "bad" about a date.

I agree that chemistry exists on a sliding scale and that it isn't a constant thing.  

I have only met with a few gentleman that I have no intention of meeting with again in the future. All of them, except for one (his entitlement is not only exhausting but undoubtedly fueled by thinly veiled insecurities and selfish gain), I genuinely believe had no ill-intent or malice behind their behavior or actions. I have received messages of confusion and bewilderment at my disengagement. This is endlessly frustrating for me because I do put due diligence into expressing myself if I have an issue or if a client makes it clear to me that they want my satisfaction to be highlighted in our time together.  

Part of me feels guilty because it's clear there's a lack of self awareness but another part of me is very aware of the fact that I have enough on my plate as an independent provider and I cannot prioritize anyone else's mental or emotional health over my own as my business will undoubtedly suffer.

Yes-There has to be a Chemistry !  You can sense it in the first few minutes-often on the phone or even in a text.

Without Chemistry -  Why go there ?

I've seen a lot of girls ...once.. then never again.. It's not like we didn't get along.. it was just pretty routine.. I tend to see girls for a repeat when we have something good to talk about.. chemistry by another word..

i think there has to be some chemistry, I will to spend half of the booked time getting to know the lady some. especially for the first session. i like to get to know her some, and find out what she likes, ones we are comfortable with each other, the play time just is a hole lot better for both.

Because I was having too much fun with my lab partner, who was my GF at the time, creating new combination of chemicals and seeing how they would turn out. I learned then that some combinations are toxic, some combinations do nothing, and some combinations boil over into a foaming mess.  Those tend to be the most fun, but if you don't have good chemistry, then the trust in each other can be lacking that allows for experimentation.

I think it's pretty deep in the psyche to want to feel connected to other humans. Even in the highly circumscribed world of P4P I think we all enjoy the fleeting intimacy more if it feels . . . intimate. I think why some people burn out doing this is exactly because they can't get that from a session. We all want and need some emotional sustenance. And it also happens to be my chief concern and complaint about duos--you can right away tell when there is no or very little connection between the 2 women having sex in front of me. They may be physically intimate but as far as connection they may as well be standing next to each other in the laundromat.  

I've had perhaps 4 women I felt really great physical chemistry with and I saw each of them between 12 and 30 times each. And I've seen a dozen or more who were so disconnected we could have been in separate rooms. Most were somewhere in the middle.

Having said that, and having had some experience as an adult human I know we all have to temper our expectations. A provider who sees multiple clients in a week is simply not going to have a connection with each. It doesn't work that way. And I know the difference between genuine interest and the manufacured version just as you all do. But if a lady is at least willing to give me her undivided attention and something resembling passion for an hour I can live with that.  Usually.

HappyChanges78 reads

but chemistry is not important to me.  Maybe it's the fact that I'm not looking for anything except p4p.  That being said, I've never had a bad session with any of the girls I've seen.  Most are extremely professional and know what I want when I walk through the door.  

For me it's important - always he been. You'll get much more if me if we have mutual chemistry than you otherwise would. Simple xx

HappyChanges89 reads

Replace "he" with "has", "if" with "of" and "mutual chemistry" with "perceived chemistry" and I'm sure a client will get much more from you than he otherwise will. Simple.

Two typos - yes
Perceived chemistry - incorrect. Mutual chemistry is what I meant. I understand fully the difference between shared and perception. Simple

OCmadness77 reads

I think chemistry is very important. To me that means a return visit or not. If I click with someone I will definitely repeat. If it was difficult or the conversation was labored than I most likely will not repeat even if she was incredible with the sex. The awkward times before and after sex would make it not worth it for me to repeat.

otherwise she'll pretty much just lie there like a starfish the whole time without even so much as letting out a moan, and then when it's finally over, both y'all will just go your separate ways like estranged divorcees without even so much as exchanging a single word. If they want her to act like she's into it, they gotta be impartially open to her suggestions without taking it so personal, just like what you said in your OP. As for me, I only care about establishing chemistry with a provider if I intend to keep her as my regular/ATF. Apart from that, I'm basically just a squirrel looking for a nut.

I only do dinner dates, overnights, travel dates so chemistry is everything. I cannot be with someone who I cannot connect with. My experiences are more than sex. So much more.

I am a pleaser so I want my SP to be happy and to enjoy her time with me. I want to see her laugh and smile and maybe do something that makes her tear up with joy. I like to explore emotuon s with her.  

So for me the connection is everything!  

As s pleaser I tend to hang with like minded individuals. I want them to enjoy themselves. My pleasure is based on their enjoyment. I enjoy watching their eyes light up. Taking them places they have not gone before. It makes me feel special and in the end is that not the goal. We all want to feel special.

I agree with there are atfs who just come for a roll in hay as one said, then there are atfs who like chemistry. I would think it is important to know who you are and what you want. Myself personally I am very socially skilled and have no problems with chemistry which I do like. I connect through personality and the others so my style is for 4 or 5 hour dates. I have enjoyed each provider and have made return visits with a couple. I am not a guy who just can show up for 60 or 90 minutes. I personally like to take the girl out eat or grab something light and maybe go for walk. I see providers and hobbyists as people with thoughts feelings and hopes of their own. Then again I am just over 40 and it is more psychological for me at this point in life. If one enjoys the quick roll in the hay that is there choice and I respect it as well. Its not who I am and I cannot be someone I am not.

Well, a man I can relate too. I hear you brother and cheering you on. It took me a number of years to figure it out. But in my place now and I love the connection with the right lady.

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