So.

If I commit to a serious relationship, at my age, I'm only doing it via marriage. I've never been married, though I have been in a relationship which would have led to this. That didn't happen, so I joined up with you folks because I am unable to become addicted to alcohol, and I wouldn't know the first step in buying drugs. And because directly blowing my brains out (although at first appealing, and later just one of many things I could do each morning) would break my mother's heart, and it's not her fault. The deadly vices, thus unavailable to me, I had only eating too much, gambling excessively, and whoring.

Well, I used to gamble for a living, and I know how quickly things can go one way or the other. And I did eat, but though I am fat, I'm not a true glutton. Sex, however, has always been something I was interested in and, although I say so myself, good at. Also, the allure of affection was also there, even if it was brief. So, that is the basic reason I started doing this. And now, somehow, I find myself no longer wanting to die.

Anyway, if I do find myself with someone who I would commit to...  
In the past, I've never had to hide anything. As things unfolded, my fairly tame life - punctuated with the odd criminal activity, prank, or lurid exploit - wouldn't be too much to swallow. Even the first 2 experiences I had in this hobby - years apart - and relatively unplanned - I could just gloss over.

But now, after spending nearly  a year in the hobby. It occurs to me that when we inevitably talk about past sexual partners - it always comes up somehow - I'll have something I am unsure how to handle. There are lots of crazy stories and experiences that I've had via this hobby. Not just about sex, but about the hobby.

I'm generally of the opinion that you should be honest and open with someone you love. In my experience, having someone you can trust completely is a hard thing to come by, but is very worthwhile. An intrinsic part of who I am is being direct and forthright with people I respect and care about. There are guy friends I've never talked about this hobby with, and even with them, I can feel this strange nagging disconnect which I find unpleasant.

So... advice?

Do I gloss over it? Do I tell it all as is, and expect her to understand (my preference)? Do I never ever tell her, or anyone, and just pretend it never happened? Do I lie more directly and change the stories where the money is concerned?

And if I do tell her, when do I bring it up?  

I personally don't see anything morally wrong with paying money for sex, as long as the provider is willing. But most people, and especially most women, don't seem to see things that way. There is a repugnance... a contempt for it. Even though we all know that non-pros require certain hoops to be jumped through and a certain price to be paid, they don't look at dinner and your attention as $.  

Hell, I think some providers secretly feel this way, either about their own clients, or the clients of girls in other markets. But that is another topic, altogether.

Anyway... advice?

-- Modified on 1/16/2014 2:50:19 PM

Tell any woman you know in real life you do this

I agree .... this is fantasyland ..... your fantasy, not anyone else's .... just because you are ok with your fantasy doesn't mean others would be so keep it to yourself and enjoy the memmories

Don't you think that a person who truly loves you would being accepting of a "past"?

I had to do the "Boot scootin boogey" there para un momento.

Don't rush into telling anyone of these exploits but "this" truth could help to discover that real love.

I know many psychologists, psyciatrists, counselors etc...........most people wish they were dead, or that someone else were dead, at some point in their lives. Your sanity is determinded by what you do with those feelings. Don't beat yourself up over having them.

For me, ignorance is bliss when it comes to SOs' sexual pasts. I'd honestly rather not know. I guess it depends on the people involved, but I can't imagine that I'm the only person out there who would rather not ruminate on the past. The only exception I'd make to that would be if a sexual escapade makes for a funny story. If that's the case, lay it on me (pun intended).  

I suppose the best advice I can give would be to ask your SO if they have any desire to discuss the topic. If so, I suppose you'll want to be honest. If she's worth keeping, she won't be judgmental about it. In fact, the way you explained it in your OP sounds pretty sane and reasonable. My guess is that most modern women would agree.  

so...I actually agree with OSPs first reply on this.  Someone who truly loves you will not blink at a past.  However, this isn't exactly something I'd post on a billboard or wear on a t-shirt on the first date or anything.  

I think it's actually one of those things that...when you're with the right person...and you are the right you...it won't matter from the perspective of acceptance to one another.

One cannot overlook the impact of our past on our present and future selves however.  Being physically intimate with a number of people can leave a long term effects for some.  In those scenarios...that confidence in the love and acceptance of your SO is REALLY important.  

I could go on forever on this topic...it's one I'm passionate about.

I'll leave it at this...

I'm looking forward to the day when someone trusts me enough to share their past with me.  It might be something they aren't exactly proud of.  It might be something they feel is downright awful and shameful.  It might be something for which they don't have negative feelings...but they feel is private, etc. In any and all of those circumstances...their sharing it with me is a huge indication of their trust in me.  As long as they aren't confesing that Dexter Morgan is after them...I'm going to be okay with it.  And the reason I know that...is i'm okay with my past.  How could I not be okay with theirs?

 

 

 

To find someone who is interested enough, open enough, and accepting enough, to talk to honestly about the appeal of this hobby - or even to participate together.

But its damn hard to find.

I have less to lose than most. Not in a relationship - secure with myself - and absolutely sure that there is nothing wrong with two consenting adults agreeing to buy or sell sex and companionship. I actually think that those of us believing this are the forerunners of a much healthier future. I've witnessed a sea change in attitudes during my lifetime - but we're still miles short - and not likely to see much more change in the foreseeable future.

I find myself constantly biting my tongue and censoring myself in social settings. Even when I hear people spout off about something that they obviously know nothing about. Its not healthy - and it pisses me off (usually at myself). But the vast majority believe that those of us engaged in this activity (whether as buyers or sellers) are pathetic, disgusting, immoral, or dangerous. (At least, that's what they say to each other - and to themselves - not sure how many secretly really believe that). Not exactly the image that I want my friends, or clients, or potential partners to have of me. So I back away from those conversations and keep my secret life secret.

So I'm not sure of the answer to the OPs post. Probably depends on the persons involved. Its probably possible, when you think you may have found the right person, to broach the subject slowly, or with humor - and try to guage the response - before deciding to bare your sole.

If you figure it out - please let us know.

Not only is it a serious question - Unfortunately, its one that all of us have to deal with.

Your heart is definitely in the right place and in the past I would definitely opt for full disclosure.  After all, how can two people truly share life if secrets are withheld?

That was my philosophy back before I even met my soon to be bride.  I wanted everything to be in the open and she agreed.

Fast forward more than a decade and our only child, a daughter, was born.  From that moment on my wife never again said "I love you."  I thought it was post partum depression so I was supportive and I gave her time and space.  After a year with no improvement I suggested that we see a marriage counselor and she agreed, as long as she could choose the counselor.

We met with the counselor together and then alone, then back together again.  It was during this meeting that the counselor said that she didn't see anything wrong with out marriage at this point, that she felt that I was shouldering much of the burden as my wife tried to heal, but it was her impression that my wife was harboring a great amount of anger and she was directing it at me.  She didn't need to see us together or even me, except for updates every six weeks.  However, she felt that my wife needed concentrated sessions because the anger was tearing her apart.

After about eight months my wife left her and refused to go back.  The therapist told me that my wife was exhibiting behavior commonly observed in someone who had been sexually abused during her childhood.  She recommended that I convince my wife to either return to her or to find another therapist.  My wife chose the later and after seeing more than ten therapists, she was no closer to resolving her problems.  Each therapist would get so close and then she would find a reason to run away from that therapist.  BTW, three other therapists we saw as a couple came to the exact same conclusion, that my wife was behaving in a manner typical for someone who had been molested as a child.

After seven years I had had enough and I filed for divorce.  I made arrangements for her to be served on a Friday.  On Thursday I arranged to have lunch with her parents and I explained that I had filed for divorce but I would be willing to tear up the papers if she would commit to sticking with one therapist to see this through.  I then explained the theory that she had been molested as a child.  Her parents turned in unison to look at each other and simultaneously said "uncle Ted!"

Uncle Ted was always "slow," with an IQ of around 70.  But at age of 50 he had 7 kids and was still earning minimum wage with a national corporation.  They were treating him like a charity case.

My wife's parents were behind me 100% and they would support her through the tough work that lie ahead in counseling.  They blamed themselves for leaving her unattended during family gettogethers when he could have taken advantage of her when she was between the ages of 4 to 9.  Actually, she wasn't alone, there were her younger brother and two male cousins who were probably playing secret games with uncle Ted.

In any case, my wife refused to acknowledge that anything untoward took place and she took the scorched earth approach.  She demanded that she get all of our marital property and that I would have no custody, even visitation, with my daughter.

During my deposition her attorney placed a photo of a female urinating in front of me and asked me what it was.  I told her what I saw but that I had never seen it before.  Her attorney stated that my wife found that as the background to the desktop on our family computer and she insinuated that I installed it there.  I knew that I had been set up.

The next day during my wife's deposition I produced 35mm film negatives and the accompanying photo prints.  We enjoyed hiking together and I always carried my 35 mm SLR camera to take pictures of wildlife.  My attorney asked my wife to identify five or six rolls of film of various hikes we had taken on various trips.  My wife knew the park or wilderness area and even the name of the trail.  Mt attorney asked if the photos were all there  and she said she thought so.  My attorney also asked her who took the photos and she replied that I took most of them but she also took a few.

My attorney asked if some of the few that she took were of me urinating in the woods.  My wife didn't know how to answer.  Her attorney acted indignant and objected to her client being treated to such outlandish questioning.

My attorney then produced fifteen enlarged photographs of me urinating with the roll numbers shown.  He then referred back to the negatives and showed that they matched.  Since we were alone on these hiking trips, and my wife testified that the photos were only taken by me or her, it was obvious that I could not take a photo of me taking a leak from 10 years away and that the photo was taken by my wife.  Her attorney stopped the deposition immediately.

The deposition resumed the following morning and her attorney stipulated that she had taken the photos but they were simply intimate moments between a married couple.  My attorney replied that may be so, but they were taken without my knowledge!

She was prepared to paint me as some sort of pervert but she was caught in her own trap.

How does this fit into this thread?  Had I ever indulged in this hobby before meeting my wife she would have dragged it out for all to see.  "Look, my husband used to pay prostitutes for sex and blow jobs and anal sex and water sports" and anything her mind could have imagined.  Since none of that had happened, there was nothing for me to share.  But that didn't stop her from attempting to frame me into participating in some behavior that any judge would have looked down upon, even if he himself took pleasure in looking at porn on the internet.

Once a woman is scorned there is no telling to what length she will go to make her husband's life hell.  This included denying him visitation of his only child.

As it turned out, the judge saw through her act and threatened to award me sole custody with supervised visitation for her.  I didn't want it to go that far so I suggested equal joint custody.  That went a long way with the judge when he had to divide up the money and joint property.  He definitely made her pay for attempting to label me as a deviant with reduced visitation.

BTW, of her brother and her two male cousins, all have been divorced at least once and her cousins refused to visit their children or to support them.  They were also victims of the molestation of meek, harmless uncle Ted.

I thunk about it but I still maintain that how could I love someone whom I keep secrets from? Yet, BCG, being of sound mind and perky boobage, stated a chicky-lala's perspective sooo maybe she's on to sumpin sumpin.

Jack - you need to participate more on here!

The attitude towards them, I mean.

All of the ladies iv'e met seem to  have their shit together so the sterotype of them is way off base.for us, hobbyists,it would be bad in the workplace or with family if they knew but my guy friends married for a long time would be jealous