I am a relative newcomer to this hobby, and have only been with two providers on the last 2 years. STD's have been a major stopping point for me. I'm concerned about slowrunner's response that he went to see a provider with an active "cold sore" in his mouth. "Cold sores" ARE herpes, but we have invented these euphemisms of "cold sores," "fever blisters," etc. to deny what they really are. Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 (HSV-1) is commonly associated with oral herpes, however, more than 30% of new genital herpes infections are caused by HSV-1 because, you guessed it, the frequency of oral sex in this country. HSV-2, commonly associated with genital herpes, is not as common orally, but does occur. The bottom line is if you have a cold sore, or someone you are having sex with has a cold sore, it IS herpes, and you can infect your partner with it. A great, informative site with tons of information about herpes can be found at www.racoon.com.
With an active lesion in your mouth, you are almost certain to infect someone without previous exposure to the virus, given the viral load present. Also, if you have the virus, you can "shed" the virus asymptomatically, so even if you do not have an active cold sore, you can transmit the virus. It is not as common, but if you have frequest outbreaks, research has shown that you will shed more frequently.
Notwithstanding the risk of HIV infection, which would not be as likely via receptive oral sex from a provider, if you are giving a provider oral sex who is HIV+, and she has any small tears in her vagina, any blood present in her vagina could harbor the virus and if you have any cuts in your mouth at all, you could become infected. Gums are very susceptible--how many times have your gums bled when you brushed your teeth? I'm not saying you WILL be infected, but you are definately increasing your risk.
I think it is very important to become more educated about this issue. I had a scare with my first contact with a provider who gave me a BBBJ. I thought I had contracted herpes, however, it turned out to be a false alarm, thankfully. However, when you run the risk of contracting something and bringing it home to a SO, it is really important to be as safe as possible.
I bet many providers are not as educated about the risks as well--I would bet they would be less likely to to things like BBBJ and allow unprotected DATY if they were more aware of the risks. Slowrunner's provider obviously had no clue how at risk she was given the presence of an active herpes lesion in his mouth.
I don't mean to scare everyone, but I think I have pretty much given up on this because of my experience. I have never had an STD, test negative for both types of HSV, and am not willing to expose my wife to anything.