I thought long and hard over the weekend about my options. The good news is I am still here, but the bad news is probably not for long because I am 70% in favor of not staying around. The only 2 things that are stopping me is that I love my dog and hate to leave him, and the other thing is I chickened out over the weekend. But the way I see things, there isn't much too look forward to. I can find someone to take care of my dog, and as soon as I can get over the fear of what's on the other side, I probably will not be around. I appreciate your concern, but there really is nothing anyone can do. It is my decision to make. If anything else happens, I'll let you know, but as of now I am just tired of trying. I'm not getting anywhere and I feel I am just wasting my time. Please, no phone calls or emails, it really won't help. But I am grateful for your concern, so please do not think that I don't care. I'm just no longer interested in life.

Hi Talaya--

 I wish I still had my 800---number so you could call me--cause I don't know if making along distance phone call is something you can still do---unfortunately mine are all blocked for collect calls---I'm reaching for you and if you can call me or someone can --get me her # directly---have at it quick--here's mine and this isn't for appts it's for Talaya---818-842-4025 or someone to get me a CONTACT NUMBER FOR HER

Her personal website http://www.xxxhotbambi.com is down, switched to some generic website.

Link to Talaya's ad:
http://www.hotusanights.com/cgi-perl/search.cgi?page=listingsright&advertisement=1177

Link to Talaya's review:
http://theeroticreview.com/reviews/show.asp?id=3122

you don't know me. i'm in massachusetts. i'm a 42 year old male hobbyist (what a label . i don't know why i'm writing to you, i guess just to tell you that i've been there. about twelve years ago i spent a week making a plan... then i called in sick on a friday, got into my car with all the cash i had in the world (about $500, pretty impressive hey?) and started driving south. when i couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, i found the dirtiest motel i could, and went out for a nice dinner. i came back to the room and drank about a quart of rum... mmm, my favorite. then i sat in the bathtub and slid a acalpel (much sharper than a razor blade!!) back and forth, and up and down over my wrists, just trying to find the strength to press down. i never found it, so i just passed out in the tub. luckily, i was too large for my head to slip underwater.

i'll tell the rest of the story if you want to hear it, but this is already getting long. i hate to spoil the ending, but, well - i didn't die. one of my closest friends, an ex-roommate, wrote me a 12 page letter as i was 'recovering'. he said things to me that guys just don't usually say to guys. he managed to point out every unselfish thing i had ever done, like a laundry list - and he told me that he was glad that i was still around. that letter is the most important thing that i own (well, maybe my computer....... and my truck, of course....) ok, my computer and my truck and that letter are the THREE most important things that i own...

i bet that most of the people who have written offering help, advice, support, etc, realize that there isn't really anything they can say to change things for you - yet, they write anyway in hope that they can touch you somehow. i wonder how it will turn out? i do hope you find something to hang on to - or, if you need to hit bottom first, i hope you fail as i did. there are still places to go and people to see (and miles to go before you sleep...)

love,

david

hi talaya, you don't know me, but i see  myself in you. a few months before i turned 17, i tried to take my own life. it was an overdose of sleeping pills. for whatever reason my sister came home and saw me lying in my own vomit and called 911. she saved my life and i am so very gratful for it. at the time i had no idea what was wrong with my life, today i do. my family just swept it under the rug. see i'm also from the midwest. they thought i wanted attention. no - i just wanted the pain to end, that was it, i had a permanet solution to a temporary promblem. i would like to tell you how i healed myself and my life. left you a couple messeages. i would like you to call me. i will help you. please call, i left you my # on your 773-991-7190# or email me at [email protected].

I had only one session with her, she is quite a woman and I will miss her. She sent me a very brief e-mail on Friday 8-2-02.

She had wanted my help with sprucing up her website and taking some photos for the site.

The week earlier she had said she was boarding her dog and traveling to California on Wed 7-31-02 for a few days (???). I read into the message she was going to resume her film career (??). It brings a tear to my eye and I will cherish it forever, perhaps. I'm reluctant to share out of respect for her, it reveals little about me (other than I was kind to her).

Not knowing her real name, we may never know what really happened if it's the worst.

Talaya, everything that you have said, i understand.  About six years ago i gave my heart to a woman and without understanding the different space and place that we were in.  I took the rejection as a final statement for my life.  After a week of misery, i took a trip across the border bent on self-destrucion and without the intention of coming back.  When it was time i wrote myself a farewell poem...but luckily i chickened out.

I am content with my life presently, the worst pain of my life is now a mere memory.  I like you have dogs to take off.  When i am away, i feel sad for them.  And the thought that they may not be with their daddy scares me.  Talaya, you love your dog.  it is a love that will not likely be replaced.  There are guarantees except one, your decision.  

And what you said about no one can help, i thought so too.  But in that troubled time because of work  i was able to talk to a female friend about my pain.  The specifics i can't remember but in thinking back i realize that the most important factor was spending time.  Believe me, Time heals.  So would you take the comfort that your peers have offered and spend some time.

Cheridan---818-842-4025

Ahvani 630-479-8264

Kitara
608.682.2239
1.877.895.9831

Bambi (773) 459 0485

Gees hate to see this, I'm from Atlanta, as annoying as life tends to be and as depressed as I've been before I always thought to myself why bother killing myself? I've hated life and wondered why I'd go through the every day pain just to wake up again depressed but I realized we're all going to die, there is nothing anything we can do to prevent that so why bother ending it sooner? If anything I looked at the fact that we were going to die as a great freedom, like a free pass to live life like you wanted to, to be able to make mistakes and be yourselves, imagine the type of bagge we would carry if we never died?

But really if you end your own life you never have a chance to improve anything, that's it it's over, no matter the pain or depression it's only temporary, things never stay the same good or bad but it's always worth sticking around to see what might happen. That's what always got me through knowing things change, pain fades but the one thing is as long as your around you've got a chance to be happy gain.  

I know others have wrote but please mail me here if anything can be done to help you through this difficult time.

Sometimes it's because we didn't have the courage to go through with it, or we didn't really want to hurt the people we thought we did.  Sometimes it's because we found out that people do care about us and we're not as alone as we thought we were.  Sometimes it's realizing that the only thing that will be different in the world is that we will no longer be in it.  

It's strange, but perhaps it was the last one that most affected me in my low moments.  I thought about the people I knew who had taken their own lives, why they did it, the people in their lives at the time, and how life went on just the same without them.  Sure they were missed.  But people got over it.  I would think about them, and if they could see how things were five, ten years after they had gone, would they still be glad they did it?

I know that for some it's just a weariness of life, a desire to stop the pain.  I've felt that way.  But I realized that feelings, like seasons, come and go.  Whatever circumstances make me sad today will be gone one day.  When that day arrives, I'd like to be there to see it.  The reason why I'm still here is that I waited long enough for those feelings to pass.  It took a long time, but eventually I lost the desire to kill myself.

I hope you wait long enough to lose the desire too.

If you want, my email is [email protected]

Look Baby, There was a reason that you were place here and at this time. I know this, coal changes to diamonds under pressure and it's the irritation in clam that makes a pearl.  I aint trying to get deep on you, but sometimes we lose focus when we get caught up on the day to day.  We can take care of money issues and things like that, but I need your help if we need to mend your spirit.  Do go out like this baby.  I gotta believe in my heart that if you are posting here, there is still a part of you that is searching.  Perhaps you see no point at the moment, but through others, you may find it.

I am sure either you or someone in AE monitor TER regularly, this lady is a former AE starlet with about 30 titled credits. Perhaps you can get this lady the help she is asking for.

In the late 80s, I was a graduate student in a world renowned university.  I spent 4 years working for my Ph.D. but I was burnt out.  I dropped out of school and started day trading.  I lost close to two hundred thousand dollars (some of them belonged to my mom).  I was extremely depressed and felt lots of guilt.  I thought my life was a failure.  I have spent all my time studying so I had no girlfriend.  Coupled with my big financial lost, I thought I should end it all.

I decided that I would try to see an escort before I made all the necessary arrangements and took the final exit.  I met a beautiful Irish girl that totally captivated me.  However, she was one of the rip-off escorts so it further depressed me.  Her friend (whom I should call the Michigan girl) took sympathy of me.  She was kind and caring so I longed for her company.

The Michigan girl was a heroin addict so she had to work as an escort to support herself.  Although I didn’t have much money at that time, we decided to share an apartment so we could keep an eye on each other.  Our relationship was a close friendship with very little sex involved.  The recession was coming and time was hard.  She wanted to get sober and quit escorting but worry about becoming homeless.  I have never done drugs before but I told her that she got to give herself a chance.

At that point, I had no time to get depress.  I promised her I would work to keep us afloat so she could stop being an escort and concentrate on quitting heroin.  I worked overtime as a clerk in a copy shop to pay for the rent and she collected food stamp and general assistance to put food on the table.  She went through episodes of detox. (Cold turkey, Methadone, Codeine, Xanax and rehabs)  None of them worked.  We got kick out of our apartment because of her drug use and had to move to a place across the public housing project.

She picked up a crack habit and things got even worse.  From time to time, she wanted to overdose herself but I told her she had much to give to the world.  She longed to fall in love and have a child.  I encouraged her to keep on dreaming and one day it would come true.  A friend intervened and asked a former regular of hers to pay for out-of-town rehab.  She got sober there and fell in love with a guy.  She started working in a dental office but she had a miscarriage.  She and her beau felt guilty and both started using again.

She came back and stayed with me and her beau went to jail for drug possession.  My financial situation had improved and we moved to a better area.  I had her staying in a separate room to stabilize the situation and kept her dream alive.  After several months, her beau got clean in jail.  When he was released, he told her to come and join him and get clean.  She got sober and soon after they married.

They have been clean for 8 years now and they have a beautiful 6 years old daughter.  They own a large 4 bedroom house.  He has his own business and she is a pre-school teacher.  I have frequented their home and we are friends for life.

Things can get better and dreams do come true.  You got to have faith.  Once you pass through the tough time, a glorious path will lie ahead.

God bless.

Talaya:

Please call me.  I was in the same place you are now....but I found my way out.  Yes, hon, it is a very dark abyss...but YOU CAN DO IT.

Although you don't see it now, Life is beautiful....and so worth living.  Please just give LIFE a chance.

My phone number is 773-580-4913...I promise I will do anything and everthing I can to help.

Kelly Shannon

When I was 24 years old I had the year from hell. I invested $50,000 into a business that totally failed and my best friend died after suffering long from several tumors in his head. I was feeling erratic and unable to deal with it but what I didn't know is that I was starting to show symptoms of an inherited chemical imbalance...to top it off I discovered meth and found that it really kept me from feeling anything so add a drug habit to the mix and suicide started sounding really good. After a long weekend I took a cab home from an outing with "friends" and then ate w hole bottle of valium 10 About 90 pills and choked down about 4o more librium. Took them with a pint of scotch. I woke up after being in a coma three days later and found out a friend whom I hadn't seen in almost 6 months came by to see me and found my door slightly ajar...he saved my life. one year later my roomate at the time was showing signs of depression. I recognized the look in his eyes and I questioned his friends about whether or not they thought him capable of suicide...everyone said emphatically NO! Well one week later I was woken up by his dog scratching frantically at my door. I let him in and tried to pet him but he was very agitated and kept pacing back and forth from my door back to me. I found my roomate vern  dead on the patio by the pool. He had shot himself point blank in the chest and I got to find him. It was the aftermath of that incident that changed my mind about ever trying it again. You said you have a dog? well his dog was devastated by Vern's death. He was normally a commanding guard dog but after that he just paced back and forth to verns office and the patio where he killed himself whining and crying. Laying down in the spot vern had last been and refusing to move. he didn't think he had anyone but the outpouring of grief and the people it affected went far beyond his immediate friends.
I stopped having suicidal feelings that day and as time went on i realized how lucky I was to have not died. I am now 33 years old and I have a beautiful son that I love so much. Every day I get to see the world through his eyes and it just washes away the pain of my past. If your feelings are because of something specific you have experienced then you must give yourself a chance to heal. If these are thoughts you have had for some time or off and on in your life then please seek treatment. Medication can help immensely with the way you are feeling and allow you to get a new perspective on things.  
 if there was one thing in my life I could take back it would be the day that I tried to kill myself.

I got something positive from Talaya's e-mail to me Thursday night ...

Apparently she's going to take it 'one day at a time'. I gave her my number in my replay earlier on Friday but no more contact.

And no I'm not trained at anything but I do have a strong pair of shoulders and count her as my friend. I can't tell you how much I wish I was hearing her talking ... did you know she's a real talker.

I thought that was a good sign, but no more word.

Talaya, this the life you chose, if you don't like it change it, move somewhere and get a job or something...

Taking your life is the cowards way out...are you a coward???