I'll leave it to others to answer the more technical stuff, but when I see a dom, and I want her to whip my back for example (I prefer either a riding crop or a flogger.), I have them start out lightly and then build up.  So I tell them that was a four, or a five....on a one to ten scale, and then tell them to build up to seven, or whatever I think I can handle.

It's good feedback for them, and I get what I want.

Ask him for a safe word that he can use to tell you if you are approaching his limit.  This word will let you know to back off for a bit, or on a particular activity.

I am so sorry I didn't know you had already posted about it!  

Eeep!

Well, I'm a switch but I have more experience as Mistress/dom than sub/slave.  

Always respect limits, there needs to be preliminary discussion and always be assertive. Depending on how far you go (I've caned some subs and drawn blood (their request)), you have someone's well being in your hands.  

Of course I assume you will be doing lighter play.  

The biggest lesson I learned and I feel is most important is this -  
In order to be a good/great dom, you must be a thorough sub.  

Hope this helps, PM me if you need additional advice !

Aria

In addition to the good advice from others, I'm happy to offer my insights by PM, email or phone. You're more than welcome to practice on me (if you visit the DC area). I have 10+ years of experience as a sub so I can tell you what most guys will want in a session. In your case, I recommend providing a mix of GFE/light BDSM play; most guys on TER aren't really looking for hard core, man-hating, no-sex-at-all dommes.

I don't agree that you should always be assertive.  It's a big world - if you're up to it, you should get a sense of what it needed during the pre-interview.  

Posted By: Courtney.ova

Some questions:  
   
 1. If the guy is seriously nervous, I go easy... but is there a way I can assure him yet still fulfill his fantasy? How do you know how much is 'too much'? Should I bend him over and spank him with a love handle?  
   
 2. I'm a beginner at BDSM, but not being dom. What is the difference?  
   
 3. What are some suggested 'props' for the game, and within those prop types, what kinds are good for starters?  
   
 4. For a man's 'first time', I try to sit and interview/talk about it. What he wants, what his fantasies are, etc. My first time I felt I didn't really do much, and perhaps it wasn't that exciting, but if the guy just wants to do it, but has no idea what he wants, what do I do?  
   
 I'm going to scroll down and read some threads, probably will be on this board for a while chatting away as I like to know as much as I can, but a personalized message on this thread may consolidate thoughts into one thread.  
   
 P.S. I've read up on it, but I want to hear some words from people who have done it in this biz, providers and hobbyists alike.  
   
 Thanks in advance... and any additional information you think I should know or references to literature would be much appreciated.  
   
 Excited to enter further into this world.

Google is your friend!

Try a simple search.

Read:  50 Shades of Grey, &/or BDSM 101

DVD: Nina Harley's "Sensual Domination"

* If your not dominant you are either a switch hitter, or a straight submissive there is a huge difference.  Buy a started kit from any adult store usually consists of hand cuffs, soft feathers to tease, a small whip, etc..  Keep it simple to start because this can be overwhelming.  Pick a few fantasies, or fetishes that arouse you to begin if you enjoy it continue & experience is our greatest teacher!

* No one wants to spend more time talking, than actually playing, so you may want to have a pre-interview prior to play maybe via phone, or email.

My #1 rule is to always be safe & having fun is a must

I've advocated a number of resources in previous posts, but to recap:

*Books*
The Mistress Manual by Mistress Lorelai Powers
SM101 by Jay Wiseman
Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon
The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy   - I'd start with this one

*Education Video Series*
Kink Academy website - over 1,000 "how to" instruction videos on various BDSM topics

Also, consider joining your local BDSM lifestyle club(s), as they will offer classes on just about any subject of interest to you, and will give you an opportunity to practice before you see paying/reviewing clients and feel comfortable about what you are doing.

I respectfully disagree with the recommendation to read 50 Shades of Grey, as it is not considered to be an accurate depiction of BDSM play by most of U/us in the BDSM Community.  It's just erotic literature that started out as Twilight fan fiction, not a "how to".

To answer your questions:

#1 - The best way to assure a play partner is to negotiate limits (physical/emotional/mental/spiritual) and a safe word (yellow = slow down and check in; red = stop).  I also like the 1 to 10 system, where you periodically ask them to give you a number, with 0 representing "didn't feel it" and 10 being "like I was thrown into a volcano".  Usually, you start at a 0, 1, 2 level and end the scene at around a 7 or 8.  I will tell you this important fact:  MOST OF YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL NOT WANT MARKS.  Therefore, ask about the possibility of marks/bruises first (which many might have to explain to the wife or s.o.).  Since most will NOT want marks, that will narrow what types of play you can do.

This might be controversial, but among newbies, lay out your toys and announce everything you are going to do in advance.  Give them a chance to object to a particular toy or type of play.  Also, it's sexy as hell to have someone say, "You are going to drop your pants, then bend over my knee, and I am going to spank your ass until it is bright red."  That gives them a chance to process where the scene is about to go before you get into it.  Continue the talk as you are playing.  Half the fun is telling them how they are doing.  Also, read body language.  You don't really need the 0 to 10 system after a while, because most bottoms/subs will writhe away with the pain is too much, and they'll "present" (stick their butts out) when they are enjoying themselves.

2.  Entire books could be written about this.  D&S is Dominance & submission.  It doesn't necessarily have to involve pain.  "Lick My boot, slaveboy!"  That's Dominance.

3.  I always recommend a riding crop as your first toy, because it's cheapest, and very versatile.  A good flogger is next.  A lot of guys into kink might enjoy strap-on play.  Plus, good kink wardrobe goes a long way.  Just remember that you can do entire scenes with no toys at all (spanking, pinching, slapping, light punching, foot and leg worship, smothering, etc.).

4.  You could always require that the client submit a short story about what they'd like their session to entail, with the caveat that you won't necessarily agree to everything they write.  Plus, if they are going to write a review of you later, they'll be half done if they do that in advance.  Just be careful in that kinksters can be awfully obsessive about details, so if there's, say, red latex in the story, don't wear black leather if you can help it.

The other option -- what I usually do -- is to lay my toys out on the table and say, "Here are some of the items I like to play with," and let my bottom/sub ask about any toy they haven't seen before and/or remove a certain toy if they think it's not for them (e.g., canes).

To call a spade and spade, you will be acting as a "service Top", and mostly doing what the client wants you to do, but as you start to find that you like (or dislike) certain types of play, you can almost always strike a bit of a compromise where the client will do some of the things you enjoy in order to have you do to them the things that they *really* enjoy (possibly ending with permission to cum).

 


-- Modified on 8/27/2013 5:21:10 PM

latex is requested a lot. What to do...

I get the same requests so

I've created my own Femdom identity and website.  I had a client who turned me on to kink. I dressed him up in a tight crotchless fishnet catsuit.  He pulled his junk through the crotch part. He also let me put makeup on him.  He looked so ridiculous that I had to laugh.  I really enjoyed this.  I also loved calling him love names like "bitch" and "slut".  He described what one mistress did to him and I decided to hang up  my escort shoes to the public still keeping friends for my escort persona Sedona Weaver.  

I am reading SM101 and am finding it useful to explain how SM works.  I am also going to join an "Power Exchange" club and take their hands on courses. There is risk with power exchange so it's paramount to learn and educate yourself. Like for me, I won't switch (from dominant to sub) because I would have to really know and trust the other person to do things like tie me up. I will also keep my exploits to the lighter dominance until I gain more experience.

I have had other experiences with clients (this is most of what I have gotten) where the client was laying out all the rules to the game.  In my book, this person does not understand the role of a sub if they are controlling the scene. It is my innate nature to be a Femdom and I get irked by these turkeys!! They should be groveling not spelling out the rules!! They may draw out boundaries, but it is my domain following mutual guidelines.

As for sessions, what I have read, it is best to look at sessions as a gradual progression into new things.  You might start out with something mild like spankings and agree on your means of communicating the sub's threshold (whether by words or hand signals etc.). As you begin to understand your sub's boundaries, you can proceed with more treatments.

Best wishes on your new adventure!  I hope you are enjoying yourself as much as I am!

Props and what I do...

I am 90% submissive and advertise myself as such, with the addition to enjoying being a sensual Domme. I have all my toys on a table/shelves so they can be seen. For a new friend I will spend some time letting him touch, feel, explore and ask questions, then let him say which interest him and which don't. I discuss safewords (as already discussed, red and yellow) and really push that I will adhere to them so he must use them if he feels the need. I do this intro discussion off the clock as I think it's too important to rush and most guys will rush  to get the most play time.

    The usual props are blindfolds, silk rope, velcro cuffs, small and medium butt plugs, a strap on dildo, flogger, paddle, riding crop and a wooden hairbrush.  I also have clothes pegs and clover nipple clamps, but most guys I know don't like the clovers much, giggle..... I also have a spreader bar and suspension hooks but that is more for me as a sub. A small whip with feathers on the end for tickling...

    Most of these toys are inexpensive, but I have been buying for a couple of years, before getting into being a pro sub, so I already had most of them. The majority of my toys are for use on me, like speculums and clamps, dildos and vibrators, suspension cuffs etc.

    Oh, lube!!!! A good silicone lube for anal play is a must! I advise against numbing creams as pain is a needed indication that something is being damaged!!!   I also have tissues and baby wipes close by for easy clean ups, and use condoms on the dildos for easier clean up. All toys are cleaned with alcohol wipes after use as well!!! oh, and I have disposable gloves, if I have nails I need gloves on so I don't scratch if probing an ass lol.  
   
   Its late and I am tired so I bet I forgot quite a bit. Good luck and enjoy!