60 and Over

A Disturbing Experience
Palladin 2198 reads
posted

There's been a lot of discussion on the Reviewers Only board lately about Sugar Babies and the SA website so maybe I should have posted this there.  But I feel more comfortable and safe here on the Over 60s Board, so here it is.  I recently had a very disturbing experience with a 44 yo woman who found my profile on the SA website and sent me a hello message. She initiated contact and I responded politely but wondering why she had messaged me since we live 400 miles apart.  She responded saying she visits my city about twice a month.  Well, ok, that's different.  We exchanged a number of messages.  She said she'd be in town on a certain date, but I had to tell her I'd be out of town then.  She asked when I'd be back and I told her.  She suggested a date when I'd be back and I said yes.  We agreed to meet for coffee and conversation to find out if we had chemistry.  Although our messages got a bit flirtatious, no commitments of any kind were made, and money was never discussed.

The day before we were supposed to meet I had some other things crop up in my life and I had to cancel.  I wrote her a very apologetic message and a text to that effect.  I gave her more than 24 hours notice, and the whole thing had been so casual I thought there'd be no problem.

When she got my messages she went ballistic!  She claimed she had been driving all day to get there, was only 30 miles away, had spent all her money to get there and had no gas money or any way to get home.  She claimed I had promised to "take care of her" and what was I going to do to make it right.  I was shocked and very disturbed.  I went back and re-read our message exchange just to be sure I had not forgotten anything.  But no kidding, we had just agreed to meet for coffee.  She never said she was coming just for our meeting and no other purpose.

The next morning when I turned on my phone there were dozens of messages from her!  She said she tried to sleep in her car, she got assaulted and injured, got hassled by the cops, had to shell out for a fleabag motel, had no way to get home and I had to send her $500 to make it right.  

Even though I figured she was scamming me or on drugs or simply BSC, I found the entire thing very disturbing.  She kept sending crazier and crazier texts.  When I reminded her we had only agreed to meet for coffee, nothing more, she called me a liar and said why would I drive 400 miles for that?  I replied, that's exactly what I've been asking myself.  Why would any reasonable person drive 400 miles, spend their last dime doing so, just to meet a stranger for coffee?  Made no sense.  Then she started to threaten me with exposure, outing me in public on the internet, etc.  I told her I don't respond to threats and will not read any more messages from you.  Goodbye.

So that's the end of it.  But are there any lessons to be learned here?  I guess first and foremost is that it's much safer to only deal with TER women since we can screen each other and weed out the nut cases.  The problem with sites like SA is that there's no way to screen each other.  But if I am still drawn to the SD/SB concept, maybe I'll be much more explicit in what is being offered/promised even before that first simple meeting over coffee.  The entire experience left me a bit shaken.  I suppose it could have been much worse and yes, I am too easily upset by this kind of stupidity.  But it hurts to think I may have created an enemy or contributed to someone else's suffering, even if inadvertently.

I'd be feeling grateful you never met the lady in person.  Thank goodness for those things that crop up on you

ATLDAWG897 reads

Key Learnings:

Fake Name and Burner Phone for any initial meeting !

Palladin503 reads

Thanks!  Now that some time has passed I feel the same way.

jeandeaux613 reads

She's a scammer, but not an enemy. Had you sent her any money, you would have a problem, having exposed yourself as an easy mark. Then she'd keep coming back at you for more and more. You avoided that trap. People like her move on to the next target when they meet resistance. Although she may try to contact you again, ignore her. Block her number, if possible. Change yours, if necessary.

Rules of the hobby should still be applied to SD arrangements.  I keep an eye on reviews IN MY AREA.  I would not consider a date outside my travel area.  400 miles = 6+ hours of driving ach way.  Who would do that even for a dinner?  

I think it was a scam or shake down right from the start.  I don't know all the SD scams but there's probably a whole set of them.  

I'd still use hobby phone, hobby email.  Risk of needing to nuke the phone or e-address is the same as P4P.

Palladin535 reads

You are most likely quite correct.  I think one reason I did not follow your sensible hobby rules is because I'd had a previous similar experience last year which turned out fantastic!  I was contacted on SA by a SB outside my area.  I asked her why she was looking around so far from home and she replied she'd be in my town around Thanksgiving time and she was hoping for a date.  We agreed on a time, place and donation and I had a truly hot time with a lovely young woman.  She turned out to be an experienced pro who just prefers to be semi utr so no TER profile.  I expected a similar outcome from my recent BSC person but was dead wrong!

SA?
 

Posted By: Palladin
There's been a lot of discussion on the Reviewers Only board lately about Sugar Babies and the SA website so maybe I should have posted this there.  But I feel more comfortable and safe here on the Over 60s Board, so here it is.  I recently had a very disturbing experience with a 44 yo woman who found my profile on the SA website and sent me a hello message. She initiated contact and I responded politely but wondering why she had messaged me since we live 400 miles apart.  She responded saying she visits my city about twice a month.  Well, ok, that's different.  We exchanged a number of messages.  She said she'd be in town on a certain date, but I had to tell her I'd be out of town then.  She asked when I'd be back and I told her.  She suggested a date when I'd be back and I said yes.  We agreed to meet for coffee and conversation to find out if we had chemistry.  Although our messages got a bit flirtatious, no commitments of any kind were made, and money was never discussed.  
   
 The day before we were supposed to meet I had some other things crop up in my life and I had to cancel.  I wrote her a very apologetic message and a text to that effect.  I gave her more than 24 hours notice, and the whole thing had been so casual I thought there'd be no problem.  
   
 When she got my messages she went ballistic!  She claimed she had been driving all day to get there, was only 30 miles away, had spent all her money to get there and had no gas money or any way to get home.  She claimed I had promised to "take care of her" and what was I going to do to make it right.  I was shocked and very disturbed.  I went back and re-read our message exchange just to be sure I had not forgotten anything.  But no kidding, we had just agreed to meet for coffee.  She never said she was coming just for our meeting and no other purpose.  
   
 The next morning when I turned on my phone there were dozens of messages from her!  She said she tried to sleep in her car, she got assaulted and injured, got hassled by the cops, had to shell out for a fleabag motel, had no way to get home and I had to send her $500 to make it right.  
   
 Even though I figured she was scamming me or on drugs or simply BSC, I found the entire thing very disturbing.  She kept sending crazier and crazier texts.  When I reminded her we had only agreed to meet for coffee, nothing more, she called me a liar and said why would I drive 400 miles for that?  I replied, that's exactly what I've been asking myself.  Why would any reasonable person drive 400 miles, spend their last dime doing so, just to meet a stranger for coffee?  Made no sense.  Then she started to threaten me with exposure, outing me in public on the internet, etc.  I told her I don't respond to threats and will not read any more messages from you.  Goodbye.  
   
 So that's the end of it.  But are there any lessons to be learned here?  I guess first and foremost is that it's much safer to only deal with TER women since we can screen each other and weed out the nut cases.  The problem with sites like SA is that there's no way to screen each other.  But if I am still drawn to the SD/SB concept, maybe I'll be much more explicit in what is being offered/promised even before that first simple meeting over coffee.  The entire experience left me a bit shaken.  I suppose it could have been much worse and yes, I am too easily upset by this kind of stupidity.  But it hurts to think I may have created an enemy or contributed to someone else's suffering, even if inadvertently.

Palladin552 reads

SeekingArrangement.com

If you called her with 24 hours notice, and she was only 30 minutes away, where was she planning on staying the first night if she spent all her money just to get there?  

Screening doesn't always weed out the nut cases. I've seen highly rated ladies go off the deep end on more than one occasion. I had one lady, prior to our first meeting, rip me a new one, and then ask what time we were meeting. Well, we're not!! What you have to remember is that many people here are living life right on the edge. And 'on the edge' has many different facets. One little trip, and it's over the precipice. When you play in this realm, you run a certain risk in that regard. That includes ladies and gentlemen.

By being on the site, you are implying that you are looking to exchange money or gifts for time.

On those sites, the advice to the girls is basically, "Be sweet and demure, don't talk about your money problems or demand anything specific, and you will be rewarded with limitless generosity."  Seriously.  My first SD happened organically, so when I tried the sites I knew better, but there are "stories" everywhere about getting thousands on the first date.  

I agree, you didn't do anything wrong and didn't owe her anything.  On the other hand, she relied on the totality of the promises the site made, plus you being there, plus their advice to "fake it til you make it."  She's probably more desperate than crazy.

If you want to use the site, I would strongly advise being up front and specific about what you will give her for the first meet and what you're looking to spend long term.  If you're the type who likes to see the same girl regularly, you can get a great "bargain."
(I'm assuming you're acting in good faith.  There are men on there who brag about what they can get away with.  I'd guess that occasionally, they get the BSC they deserve.)

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