"do you think if I am a good girl I will ever have a chance with him." --- How do you expect to attract someone when, even in your own mind, you lower yourself thus?
The thrid guy I was with i fell for big time. We have only been together three times but we had the nights also. we talked went out to dinner and lunch. The best sex i have ever had. He has been dirorced for 16 yrs, wife cheated on him,I don't think he has gotten over it.I told him I was falling for him, he said you are special to me also. He said I wish we had met in a different way and wants me to find a good guy to be with,I said i think i found one. Now he doesn't call and i try to leave him alone. It has been a year now and he is always in my heart and mind. we talked the other day and he said I scared the hell out of him.I said I will keep my feelings to myself and just keep him as a client. so we are going to see each other in two weeks, he works out of town. The reason why i aked this do you think if I am a good girl I will ever have a chance with him. It is hard to forget him.I have done preety good for a long time.. thanks
Just to be honest here, I think very few love connections are made through this arena. If it worksd more power to ya, but he is probably not looking to build a relationship with you...
You were MORE than clear to him that you wanted him, for much more than escort/client. If he had any interest in that direction, he'd have gone for it. You have two choices:
Either continue to see him as JUST a client, if you can bear to
or Don't see him anymore.
I would not hold out any hope that he will ever want more from you. If he did, he'd have certainly let you know this by now.
Yes, I've had more than a couple significant relationships borne from this hobby. ALL have been great! Fell in love twice!
BUT, I would never have dreamt of revealing my feelings to any of these men unsolicitedly. Once their hints turn to direct confessions of being in love with you, then it's fair time to disclose your own feelings, whether similar or dissimilar. Otherwise, too much of a burden to the client -- he might/ and probably just wants to have a hassle-free situation!
I feel for your suffering, but only fair to keep the feelings to yourself and allow the client to live peacefully. And I advise you not to see him again -- definitely not! That would just prolong and increase the pain you are feeling. Time to move on!
Your scenario suggests that the client will admit to his feelings, but what if he doesn't say anything because he fears rejection. I once had a provider tell me she had serious feelings for me and I did just as he did and told her she scared me. I wouldn't admit it to myself and fought it for a long time. I finally gave in to my feelings and things worked out.
rdrunner
The man should be able to step up to the plate and disclose his feelings, if/when he has them and feels it's appropriate. In normal civilian circumstances, so should the woman be as free to do so!!!
But given the provider/client nature of the biz, we are technically here just to provide you with a good time and not interfere with your life. Am all about living up to that and would NEVER intrude on a client's private life/ space!!!
my advice is to keep business, business. I'm glad you had positive relationships that sprouted from the hobby, but I don't think that's the norm.
In general, I tend to think that hobbyists that aren't married often have certain barriers to true intimacy and that is why they see providers rather than date.
I had an experience with a client who hinted and commented over time that he had feelings for me, and I really liked him a lot. Eventually when he brought it up yet again, I admitted to him that I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to see what happened between us socially. Once we'd dated a couple of times he started confiding in me all these reasons he couldn't have a real relationship.
Long and short, I lost a good client and had a short and annoying relationship where I learned all the reasons why the guy didn't have any healthy relationships with women. He's a good guy and we still talk from time to time, but I wish we had never tried the whole relationship thing. Food for thought.
I always keep it somewhat prof'l even when deeper feelings arise. Discounted rates, or more often, traveling together at significantly lower-than-posted rates works as we get to know each other more.....
But the rate-free route does not work. Did it once before and it fizzled, spoiled a beautiful friendship. He had every benefit of enjoying married life while seeing me on the side for free, but only when he was available, and then was with his family for impt holidays and most every night.
With every relationship, there must always be a benefit to each party: whether it be a relationship in which one can spend holidays, birthdays, etc together, usually preferred by women, or great sex all the time/ ANYTIME they want, ALWAYS preferred by men and highly appreciated by a few of us women. Otherwise, if mutual benefits are not provided, it's a purely business situation.
He is obviously avoiding a relationship and the reasons could be many.
He might not be ready for a commited relationship or he fears his own ability to deal with your work either continuing in the biz or in your past biz relationships that he might think about and fear you will return to old friends.
Keep in mind that committed relationships are really dependant on each of you being completely secure with one another. Will you always love him? Will he always love you? I think he is insecure in some way about continuing a relationship with you. AS he said it scares the hell out of him so it's you let it go now rather than later when it will only be more painful to break up.
If I wanted an SO and a provider wanted me with me having reciprocal fellings for her, I would not care about her past, only her future. Maybe the guy is not afraid of her pasts but simply does not want to be in a "relationship" with a woman, there are such men who have no "emotional or comittment issues".
How does he know if you're being really genuine or if you're just finding a new way to get his money? It would be very easy for you to take advantage of him... we hear plenty of stories on this board with men thinking they became true friends with a lady only to find out that all she wants is his money more than his soul.
I think this is the wrong place to find love
It's hard to know where the boundaries are in this industry, and when two people meet and discover feelings that go beyond business, it can be next to impossible to sort them out.
Patience is key. Take what he offers, spend what time you can together, but don't ask for more...let him come to you if he chooses.
Sometimes this happens between two people and it has nothing to do with the industry. It's painful, I know. You should consider why, after a year, you haven't moved on if he hasn't reciprocated your feelings.
Remarkable people sometimes come into our lives and simply pass through without staying long, and they leave us changed for the better...it's a fleeting gift, but one worth having.
Best of luck!
Yoda
Let him come to you.... He knows your feelings -- if they're reciprocated, and since he's unattached, he'll come banging on your door. Don't wait too long -- go out tomorrow night and enjoy! He knows how to find you!
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back it was meant to be. If not, kill them." Sorry, I'm just kidding. However, the true way to his heart is (I hate to say this) playing hard to get, or in elder terms: don't sit at home waiting for his call.
Hugs,
Ciara
Your last paragraph is so perfect, it should be framed.
It is also very apropos for this community.
First off, I think you may be looking in the wrong place for advice about stable, commited relationships. This board is a collection of professional cheaters and misanthropes - I should know, I'm one of them. :-/
But I generally think all the advice to never fall in love in the hobbyit is silly. The heart wants what it wants, and if you're meeting a lot of men in your work, it just stands to reason you'll meet one you like. Keep in mind though, the mirror advice we hobbiests get: You aren't really getting to know the real man; you have only met one small part of him - and probably one of the better parts.
But if you'd be unsatisfied with a limited, professional-only relationship you owe it to yourself to tell him, and cancel your upcoming date. Let him know you're interested in seeing him in an unprofessional way, and if he'd like to persue it you're available. Then walk away. Ya'know: If you love something, set if free....
If he calls - great. You're on your way to meeting a genuine person.
If he doesn't call - also great. You know he doesn't share your feelings and you can move on to somebody who does.
But unless you say something, you'll never know either way.
Love at first sight is not common - usually it grows on you...
So, just let nature take its course!!!
"do you think if I am a good girl I will ever have a chance with him." --- How do you expect to attract someone when, even in your own mind, you lower yourself thus?
Jump in 100%. Date 3 guys, tell them all what you do, and keep busy. Don't play hard to get be hard to get. Have fun and have trouble obsessing over him, because the powerful current of your life is moving too fast. Then you will have emotional distance and correct perspective. But hell, what do I know? I don't date anymore but I have an x-fiance that all of a sudden won't stop calling becuase...you guessed it. He's getting married. He must smell what I've been up to. Shhhhh....
I don't wish to be so harsh. It pains me to write this to you, HB.
Sometimes honesty is not necessarily the best policy, especially with issues of the heart, and especially for a provider. By telling him everything, you short-circuited things. Now you've lost all power in the situation. I think if you had let your feelings be a mystery to him, you could have had more of a place in his life and in his heart by now. You'd at least have more of an opportunity.
So, how do you restart things from here? I don't know off the top of my head; it won't work to just be a good girl now that he knows your intentions. You might want to PM me later, though. I might have a reference that could help by then.
/Zin
Having attachments to anything in life causes pain. Because, either what you are attached to is fleeting or life is. With this said, it does not mean don't love, but to love freely. When you totally relinquish yourself you are no longer tied to the outcome.
If you live totally in the present, or can be totally present, you give up any pre-concieved fantasy of how it "should" be. How can something dissapoint if you have no expectations of the outcome?
Now that the preverbial barn door is open, how do you go back? Communication, communication, communication! Take ownership of your expectations. Own how your feelings of how things "should be" has effected the situation. Did he break any commitments? Did he tell you one thing and do the opposite? That is his part in it, but how he made you feel is your responsibility and yours alone.
I think this is Deja-vu all over again. LoL
You should never fall in love with anyone you meet on the board. It's all a fantasy. You never know who the real person is. Ad Nauseum. I feel that falling in love with someone you meet in the course of this hobby, is as natural as falling in love with someone you meet anywhere. Whenever you are attracted to someone, no matte what their walk of life, there is fantasy and reality. That is why you date. Over time you will get to know the true heart of the person, not just the facade. Either for the client or the Provider a relationship can be difficult for numerous reasons all pertaining tp the individuals involved. But this is true with any relationship that is sexual in nature. You fall in lust with the fantasy of the other person, ou fall in love with the reality. Love takes longer.
But he has clearly given you a signal that he does not feel about you as you feel about him. Keep him as a client, but forget about making him your SO. Some hobbyists, regardless of how they ended up in the hobby, do not want to have an SO.
-- Modified on 5/26/2004 4:46:26 PM
Doubt your profession (even if you stop) is going to allow him to think of you in wife terms.
It is a big factor to many guys.
Just the way it is.