I've recently been dealing with the problem and to be perfectly honest, there is no easy answer.
My thought initially, was that I would tell my potential right up front. That really didn't work too well. Either the guy would get all freaked out and disappear or it would sort of excite him in a fetishistic (is that a word?) way. Both responses weren't good for me.
So then I decided I wouldn't tell them right off the bat, but would tell them if the relationship was heading toward sex. I figured, if the situation were reversed, I'd want to know before being physically intimate with someone that they had a lot of partners. That has been ok, but I think it limits how much a man is willing to get emotionally involved.
I am seeing someone now, and he knows what I do and is accepting of it. It is a casual relationship though, and I don't think it has any potential to be any deeper.
I do like the fact that he doesn't make an issue of my work. If it comes up in conversation it does so naturally. He doesn't shy away from it and he isn't repelled by the subject.
Unfortunately, I think it's very rare for women who are actively providing to have a healthy and supportive relationship. One of the drawbacks of this biz. I know enough providers with whacked out relationships that it certainly looks like the norm.
It is possible to find a partner that is accepting, but it's definitely not the norm.
I've discovered that a good way to meet men that might be more accepting is to find someone, through an online group or something like that, who is interested in exploring polyamory. Someone who belives that love and sex are not the same thing and who implements that belief into their own lifestyle.
The main issue, with both men and women alike, is that they would feel very insecure about loving someone who sleeps with other people. Wrapping one's head around the idea that there are different types of sex that meet different needs, is hard for most mainstream types.
As most men know, just because they sleep with other women, it doesn't mean they don't love their SO and want to keep the relationship. They just have a really hard time accepting the same thought process from their female mate. Then go ahead and add the numbers that some providers see and that can really throw a monkey wrench into one's ability to find an accepting man friend.
As women, most of us are taught to love and sleep with only one man, and that's what men generally expect from us. A bit of a double standard, true, but it's the reality.
There are men out there that are exploring their sexuality as well. Men that are not satisfied with the status quo and are looking for a woman like you that has a completely different perspective on sex and love than what is normally accepted.
Just know that there are men who look at love and sex in a more open and permissive light, it just takes a little more work to find them.
I wish you the very best, and if you find someone great and want to share your good fortune, let us know. I think it's really good for us providers to hear about relationships that are positive and working out well, rather than just the crazy, destructive relationships that we hear so much about from fellow providers. Just keep believing that you deserve what you seek, and you will find it. Good luck! xxx Octavia.
After, many years of being out of the dating scene, I have decided to give it a try.
The problem is my profession, should I lie or tell the truth? This could be a double edged sword either way. I feel, if I tell the truth in the beginning, I may be judged the wrong way. I normally get to know people, before I tell them anything about my business. Not, sure that this would work with everyone.
What should I do?
Thanks, for your input.
hurt feelings (on your part, I mean.) (you may discover they're not worth the frankness right off the bat...)
I'm sensing from other threads that part of the fun for some providers is the secret life. From others I'm getting that they'd actually drop out of the business if they fell in love. I guess you've got to predict where you stand before you let 'em have it.
-- Modified on 5/23/2004 7:04:13 PM
Oh shit, did i misunderstand that?????????? hummmmmmmm
If you are just dating casually (and especially if it isn't an exclusive relationship), I don't think it is necessarry to reveal your job. Just have fun with eachother and go with the flow.
However, if the relationship has the potential to become serious, I think you should let him know as soon as you see that possibility on the horizon. That way he can determine if he wants to continue moving forward with you, if you should just keep things on a fun level, or if you should go your seperate ways. You need to base your important relaionships on trust (which includes divulging your profession), but it isn't necessarry for people who won't be important to you a year from now to know.
If you tell him and he freaks out, your dating is over and he is likely to tell all his friends or anyone who knows you about what happened.
Have this done enough times, and word will spread. Your city will become very small. Just be prepared of what can happen by having too many civilians know what you do. Word travels fast.
Note: my personal advice is to work a few years, save and invest most of your money so when you retire you can still live nicely while you are switching to a day job you can tell people about. At that time you can date whoever you want without worrying all the time.
-- Modified on 5/23/2004 2:06:45 PM
It is not just a matter of being honest, it is also a matter of being smart.
No need to tell everyone. Or most for that matter.
My sentiments exactly. Good advice Angel!
I've recently been dealing with the problem and to be perfectly honest, there is no easy answer.
My thought initially, was that I would tell my potential right up front. That really didn't work too well. Either the guy would get all freaked out and disappear or it would sort of excite him in a fetishistic (is that a word?) way. Both responses weren't good for me.
So then I decided I wouldn't tell them right off the bat, but would tell them if the relationship was heading toward sex. I figured, if the situation were reversed, I'd want to know before being physically intimate with someone that they had a lot of partners. That has been ok, but I think it limits how much a man is willing to get emotionally involved.
I am seeing someone now, and he knows what I do and is accepting of it. It is a casual relationship though, and I don't think it has any potential to be any deeper.
I do like the fact that he doesn't make an issue of my work. If it comes up in conversation it does so naturally. He doesn't shy away from it and he isn't repelled by the subject.
Unfortunately, I think it's very rare for women who are actively providing to have a healthy and supportive relationship. One of the drawbacks of this biz. I know enough providers with whacked out relationships that it certainly looks like the norm.
It is possible to find a partner that is accepting, but it's definitely not the norm.
I've discovered that a good way to meet men that might be more accepting is to find someone, through an online group or something like that, who is interested in exploring polyamory. Someone who belives that love and sex are not the same thing and who implements that belief into their own lifestyle.
The main issue, with both men and women alike, is that they would feel very insecure about loving someone who sleeps with other people. Wrapping one's head around the idea that there are different types of sex that meet different needs, is hard for most mainstream types.
As most men know, just because they sleep with other women, it doesn't mean they don't love their SO and want to keep the relationship. They just have a really hard time accepting the same thought process from their female mate. Then go ahead and add the numbers that some providers see and that can really throw a monkey wrench into one's ability to find an accepting man friend.
As women, most of us are taught to love and sleep with only one man, and that's what men generally expect from us. A bit of a double standard, true, but it's the reality.
There are men out there that are exploring their sexuality as well. Men that are not satisfied with the status quo and are looking for a woman like you that has a completely different perspective on sex and love than what is normally accepted.
Just know that there are men who look at love and sex in a more open and permissive light, it just takes a little more work to find them.
I wish you the very best, and if you find someone great and want to share your good fortune, let us know. I think it's really good for us providers to hear about relationships that are positive and working out well, rather than just the crazy, destructive relationships that we hear so much about from fellow providers. Just keep believing that you deserve what you seek, and you will find it. Good luck! xxx Octavia.
and even if he can, are you sure you won't be constantly doubting what he is thinking?
they obviously were quite a bit interested, and it was great fun seeing their responses!!! Laughed for days recalling their expressions. I had said, 'well you know, I usually get paid quite a bit for what you're intimating...' Both times they tried to seduce me even more, ended up having very minor fun with both just for kicks.
But if it was someone I was seriously interested in, I'd wait 2-4 dates before it gets totally intimate, and gauge how open you think they would be upon hearing... ie would hint at strip clubs, escorts, affairs, etc and witness their responses.
I would say tell if you like the guy a lot otherwise wait awhile and see were things are going... I think all guys deserve the honesty. If he can't deal with it is he really someone you would have wanted to be with in the first place... he should respect you as a person... although he doesn't have to like what you do he does need to accept it... for the time being... and if things get more serious then he does have the right to ask you to be monogamous... just an opinion...
I know several providers that have several businesses and consider this business a part time activity or hobby. One provider is a very good web designer. Another provider is an artist. Another provider is going to school full time. Another provider is a nurse. I doubt that many hobbyists just do the hobby full time. Most of us have other activities. There is no need to tell all at first. Just be honest.
Could I fall in love with my ATF? – Yes. Could I develop a serious relationship with my ATF – Yes. Does it bother me that my ATF sees other hobbyist? No. Could I marry my ATF – not sure. Will it happen – probably not. I still remember that it is my hobby and it is fantasyland.. I do want my SO to also enjoy my hobbies. Can I have a monogamous relationship – Yes, did it for 25 years and I can do it again for the right woman.
it makes no sense to tell it to any guy unless he is paying your bills. Prepare to have it used against you no matter how cool he seems with it at the time. Having him use it against you or extort you in some way money, sex, physical and emotional happens with many. Jealousy or hate who knows why they do it they just do.
Women who reveal this have told me horror stories, their families get told or employer when she breaks it off with the guy.
Love, money, sex and jealousy make people do stupid angry hurtful things
Unless you are getting married I would not, even then I don't think everyone needs to display all of their skeletons.
... that lie will kill the relationship if you ever want to take it further. If you have to, shrug your shoulders and say you would rather talk about anything other than your work.