I think your goal needs to be getting her and then both of you to counseling as has been suggested. (and that doesn't have to be painful for goodness sakes, it can be quite fun and sexy.) But she's embarassed. So, perhaps you could work her that direction on your own and see how that goes. I think you need to get her talking about sex with you. (If she can't talk to YOU, her best friend, about specific sexual stuff then it might be awfully hard for her to talk to a counselor) Ask her who she CAN talk openly with about sex. A girlfriend, perhaps, and attempt to include yourself in that dialouge, if there is one. I'm not saying the talk needs to start all serious and psycho-babbily but fun and fantasy stuff, naughty talk, sexy talk out of context of the bedroom while you are out for dinner...however you can get it in there...but get her talking about her wants and needs and make it safe to do so. It seems like the first baby step to letting you talk about your issues and professional counseling is to let her feel safe talking about it.
This may sound like a weird step but there are 100's of sexual manuals, which it sounds like you don't need physically but could use as tools for talk, they are in the Psychology section of your bookstore that are designed for couples, safe and sterile and kinda sexy safe photos. Most of them are worthless except as what I call, "couple porn" but once again, the word is safe. Little sexy coupon books and novelty books like that may even jump start conversation. Modern Kama Sutras or "how to be a great sexual couple" books that most of us hard core TER chompin' rim poundin' animal predators would smirk at...might just be the way to make her feel safe. If not, across the aisle are the Doctor Phil books...I bet he has a sex one as well. The ladies love that Dr. Phil fella....because he makes it safe.
I'm so long winded. Sorry. Short answer is get her talking about sex before you lay the big ultimatum on her. Otherwise you're not giving her the tools to discuss the problem.
love,
Jockeypants
I suspect that, having labored over this one for a while in real-time life, that I have heard most of possible answers, but we have quite a few exceedingly bright people posting so, with such a terrific source for insight, I gotta ask. What do you do when:
1. sex, after 5 years of marriage, is disappearing.
2. physical affection: the odd peck, rolling over in bed for a hug, etc. is disappearing, yet,
3. sex when it DOES happen is volcanic and you are told how splendid you are as a lover.
4. your spouse continually tells you and everyone else how wonderful you are and tells you that you are loved.
5. you can't, despite repeated attempts, get her into counseling because she's too shy to discuss the details with a stranger AND this actually doesn't sound like just a lame excuse.
6. you don't want to go to another provider (okay, secretly you DO!), because you feel guilty AND it's, if you are being realistic, too pricey, but if you don't get laid more than once every Ice Age, you are going to rip your head off and kick it into the parking lot.
Any brilliant insight? Thanks group.
My best advice, take her on a vacation, preferably involving warm weather (few clothes), sun and physical pampering and plenty of 'naps' :~)
You could also suggest that she see the female counselor individually without you being there. Perhaps followed up by joint sessions.
If she still doesn't want to go, you've got to tell her simply and straightforwardly that you feel that it is very important for the relationship.
Be aware that every time two people get together in bed, there are actually six people there, because both of her parents and both of his parents are there too. Her (and your) issues probably have more to do with issues with parents than anyting else.
In your heart you know that if nothing changes you will, at some point, say "f*** the guilt, f*** the price" and you'll go out and f*** a provider. Which would be fine if that's what you wanted, but it obviously isn't.
So you have to make it clear to her that this issue has gone beyond 'it would really be nice if' and that the future of your marraige is at stake. Her very "shyness" about discussing this with a professional shows that she has a problem that needs to be resolved. And yeah, I know it will be hard. If there's an easy way I haven't been smart enough to find it yet.
Best of luck.
I think your goal needs to be getting her and then both of you to counseling as has been suggested. (and that doesn't have to be painful for goodness sakes, it can be quite fun and sexy.) But she's embarassed. So, perhaps you could work her that direction on your own and see how that goes. I think you need to get her talking about sex with you. (If she can't talk to YOU, her best friend, about specific sexual stuff then it might be awfully hard for her to talk to a counselor) Ask her who she CAN talk openly with about sex. A girlfriend, perhaps, and attempt to include yourself in that dialouge, if there is one. I'm not saying the talk needs to start all serious and psycho-babbily but fun and fantasy stuff, naughty talk, sexy talk out of context of the bedroom while you are out for dinner...however you can get it in there...but get her talking about her wants and needs and make it safe to do so. It seems like the first baby step to letting you talk about your issues and professional counseling is to let her feel safe talking about it.
This may sound like a weird step but there are 100's of sexual manuals, which it sounds like you don't need physically but could use as tools for talk, they are in the Psychology section of your bookstore that are designed for couples, safe and sterile and kinda sexy safe photos. Most of them are worthless except as what I call, "couple porn" but once again, the word is safe. Little sexy coupon books and novelty books like that may even jump start conversation. Modern Kama Sutras or "how to be a great sexual couple" books that most of us hard core TER chompin' rim poundin' animal predators would smirk at...might just be the way to make her feel safe. If not, across the aisle are the Doctor Phil books...I bet he has a sex one as well. The ladies love that Dr. Phil fella....because he makes it safe.
I'm so long winded. Sorry. Short answer is get her talking about sex before you lay the big ultimatum on her. Otherwise you're not giving her the tools to discuss the problem.
love,
Jockeypants
Sound like your in the average marriage. I believe that all men should spend two years, between 18 - 22, in the military and all females should spend two years, in the same time period, being providers.
tried all the things you suggest and yet here I am in hobbyist land. I'd probably quit my SO if I could find my ATF again and she agreed to hook up with me. That's me, too wimpy to jump without a net.
I've been coming to this site as part of my research into the escort business. I don't usually post but I wonder if, in your case, I might have something to contribute which might help, as I'm neither provider nor hobbyist.
I really do feel sympathy with you, and hope that your resolve your problem, but I'm going to suggest something which will sound unpalateable. I'm sorry to have to ask it, but at the time of writing no one else has mentioned it. I'm wondering whether your wife doesn't like or want sex generally, or simply no longer likes or wants sex with *you*. That's a hideous question for you to have to face, but I think it needs to be broached, so that you can judge how best to proceed.
Your wife may not even be sure of the answer herself, especially if she is so inhibited that she doesn't examine her own feelings about this. If your wife is inhibited about discussing sex, I've heard of a useful piece of advice. Try to take the issue of sex itself out of the equation. Put it to her that this is a factor in your relationship which is causing it harm, and it could be irreperable harm. If she were a drinker or a gambler, or a spendthrift, and her behaviour was adversely affecting your marriage, then you'd feel bound to confront her about it. This is no different. By taking the sting out of what you're trying to discuss, that may help. It may also help her to understand how critical your feelings have become.
Of course, she may be reluctant to be honest, because perhaps she considers your relationship to be otherwise perfect, and she is afraid of losing you. I can imagine that you get along terrifically as friends, have similar interests, probably gel really well and are considered a perfect couple - and this is probably what she is trying to affirm when she makes public declarations about how wonderful you are. She's trying to convince you - and probably herself - that she believes it. But do you believe it?
It sounds as if it's time for some kind of ultimatum - and only you can devise your strategy. But, Willia, life is too short to go through it with such an important aspect remaining so unfulfilled. You're never going to be satisfied with the status quo so I would suggest that you discuss your needs with your wife as candidly as you can. I hope that, one way or the other, things work out for you. The best of luck to both of you.
Which is how you feel. Don't, for Gods sake, suggest your "theory" of what is going on. You will get caught in a discussion of whether you are right (and the "reason" is not particularly interesting to you at this point).
Tell her the current situation will result in your finding sexual outlets elsewhere. It sounds like you are willing to reconstitute what you had is she wants it, but you feel like she doesn't want it enough to do something about it. Give her a time period to respond.
Do you want to be stuck in this shit for the rest of your life? It's not going to stop until you do something about it. Be prepared for answers you don't like: she is having an affair or is coming out to herself.
You could tap nine guys out of 10 on this board and they could form a support group and basically tell the same story.
your right HL, the reason we look into this is lack of summit back home is it no?