Thank you Heather.
I think that, in my heart, I knew it was an addiction all along but what I was pondering out loud was that it's more than an addiction. Boyfriend #1 left because he realized that I was comparing him to everyone else. I never MEANT to do it but I think this life seeps into us and becomes a part of us. We all KNOW better than to be physically unprotected and catch a virus that we spread to our loved ones ... I just never thought that the job would give me an emotional virus that I spread to two decent and loving men who gave it their all before seeing that I was the one that wouldn't let it work. After a day of passion I wanted to come home from work and be a frump. He wanted to come home from work and have a night of passion,etc. I can't remember ever kissing him with the passion I kissed for money.
I have 46 friends in my address book and noticed last night that 3 are people that I haven't had sex with for money and now I feel like I gave the best I had to people who only offered money and a few laughs while the chances I had for real happiness got what was left over, if even that. Even BF #2 told me what was happening, but I was far too busy taking a romantic dinner cruise on that famous river in Egypt to think that he could possibly see what I couldn't see.
I'm not without resources and now that I know what I want, I know I'll get there. Now that I view the post and the threads, what comes to mind is some general advice that I wish someone had told me 10 years ago:
"If you don't see at least a part of yourself in this story, the more likely it IS your story."
I posted the following message on the LA Board and got some responses that made me think differently. I realized that everyone I know is a provider or a hobbiest and they seem to be the only "friends" I can keep. Am I additcted or just messed up? (I can't receive Emails because I'm a basic member, but I think now maybe I need help)
>> Original Message:
When I started, I was a hard bodied 26 and I got the men that wanted to fuck a girls brains out until she drooled and then were gone before I had a chance to catch my breath. When I got to the point where I had to check the "36-40" box on the Census, I started to get the men that were lonely. The men who had built their fortunes at the expense of the marriages and now wanted someone to share things with.
That made more work for me because I had to connect more, bond more and relate on a more intellectual level. It was about eye contact and kissing more than about monkey sex. It was about giving them the intimacy that they couldn't get at home. I also got paid less than when I was 26, but I got to see and do things that normal women don't get to do and I got to live in the moment every day.
I met 5 rich, exciting and handsome new men every week and learned how to relate to each one and understand and bond with each one. Then I took each new, fresh and exotic experience home to my same, old, dull boyfriend and wondered why I couldn't wait until tomorrow's next appointment. Eventually he decided that he didn't want to be running in a competition he couldn't win and he moved on.
I was up front with the second boyfriend and told him what he was up against and he felt that he was man enough for the job.
We lasted 6 years until he saw in my eyes that I was now addicted to the relating and bonding to other men and one day he realized he could do better, so he backed away with more grace and style than any woman ever deserved.
I'm still in the business, long after any self respecting woman would have quit. Cleansing, moisturizing, hair colloring each week, scanning each woman's magazine for the fountain of youth that will give me hope to last another 6 months All in order to relate to men that really WANT me ... as long as I can disappear when I become inconvenient.
It's all I know anymore but I have come to realize that I've become unsuitable for a long term relationship with an ordinary man and the men I do know don't seem to want me to move in with them.
Prostitution may be a victimless crime, but we are all walking casulaties.
Tallgirl...it seems that you enjoy your life but are conflicted. You look around and see others with longterm relationships and ask yourself what you may be doing 'wrong'. But then, you went 6 years with this guy and wanted more (variety?). So could it just be that you are one of those ladies that is not monogamous? We seem to accept this in men but women are spinsters once they get to the next 'census box'. Listen, you may be in good company such as Katherine Hepburn and many other strong women who have managed to make their life rich and full on their own. Who knows, you may still meet the man (or woman) of your dreams when you reach the real mature age of 60!
OK, that was just to get your attention. But seriously, if it's financially possible it might be a good idea. If I understand your words, you are now well past 40 and you see the end of the road. Better to leave the "game" on your own terms and in your own time than to wait until the phone stops ringing.
Take some time just for yourself. Everybody has a 'things I'd have done if I only had the time' list. Start working your way down yours.
Seek professional help if you are depressed. There's no virtue in suffering for suffering's sake, not if relief is available. You've got a lot of life ahead of you, start setting yourself up to enjoy it.
Just a few ideas. The usual caveat, keep what you can use and throw the rest away. If you'd like to continue a dialog, feel free to email me at
[email protected]
[added in edit]
Every choice we make in life is a trade off. It's easy to fall into focusing on what we've missed rather than savoring what we had. I know, been there, done that.
-- Modified on 5/9/2004 4:16:56 PM
Dear Tall girl; I disagree with Xenopus, I don't get the vibes that you are happy. I agree with Dionisios, you need to get away and reflect on your true feelings at this point in your life. I would suggest a world cruise, if that's within your budget. Avoid others for 6 months or so and just reflect on what you want and where you want to go with your life. When you return you can start a new life or go back to the old one, depend on how you feel. Take Care
Seems as though you are articulate, self-conscious and introspective. Shouldn't you be taking this to a reputable therapist?
Everyone seems interesting when you are only with them a few hours. Just because you enjoy spending time with handsome, highly successful jetsetters, does not mean you would fall madly in love with them and live happily ever after.
This hobby ain't reality.
Okay, preaching starts here (warning -- some lines may be forceful):
Don't sell yourself short. You are honest enough to state that you aren't happy and confused which is a damned good first step.
You need to stop qualifying men as "5 rich, exciting and handsome" vs. "same, old, dull boyfriend". All it takes is one bad stock market crash to take Mr. 6 figures down to 66 bucks. And handsome exciting might be not as exciting after 20 years of seeing his face every damned day. And your dull old boyfriend might be on the road to good things careerwise and might have been the love of your life even if he didn't have tickets to Vail.
Stop looking for glamour and intrigue. That's just www dot bliss and magazine and E Entertainment bullshit. Reality is washing socks, burgers on the grill and dealing with basic day to day stuff.
There is no such thing as an ordinary man. Prince Charming ain't coming any day soon. Everyone is fucked up and adding someone to your life does not solve your problems. Fix your own life and you going to find that dude when you least expect.
My guess is your issues lie with yourself. Go back to school, take a Yoga class, move somewhere, get a regular job to get back in the swing, take up painting, build a deck on your house and do it by hand. Stop thinking about men. Men can't give you anything you ain't already got.
Winners attract winners. Tony Robbins 101. You can't meet a guy who is the bomb unless you take yourself out that funk. Stop dying your hair. Stop reading women's magazines.
And on that dude "running in a competition he can't win", get off the high horse. You are an escort - not heir to the Heinz fortune, not working toward developing a cure for terminally ill children. Just because you are making X per hour does not mean average boy is inferior to joe dinero. They are paying you for erotic services, not for true love, marriage and commitment. It ain't real. If it was real, you wouldn't be charging and they wouldn't be paying. I'm not saying what you do for a living isn't valuable, for them, for you, not warm and snuggly and sexy but it does not pertain to real life. You must separate the fantasy gig from the real you.
You are a strong, confident woman. Take the escort label off your real identity. It's your job. And there's no reason to quit it. Quitting your job at Microsoft isn't going to mean you never work on a computer again. You probably will go home to one. (I sound like a David Lee Roth spheal.) So don't quit your job. You need income. You are apparently good at what you do. You do enjoy it. Just do this -- quit holding the standards up to the fantasy. Find someone you can sit on a park bench and feed ducks with and still have a great time. If you need lamborghinis and vacations to Rome, you aren't looking for love. You are looking for a seat, Row 1...on you guessed it, the Price is Right. And if the guy you are dating needs all that superficial bullshit to keep a relationship going, it ain't going to last.
If that don't please Sully, I don't know what will.
Myrtle
"straight talkin' waitress"
The Corner Diner
Barney "Editorial guy having a sandwich"
says "Addiction" is spelled as such. But I can score 10 if I had an L to form the word clit found within the word game "Additction". If I had a K, I could form "dick". But I ain't got those letters. "Myrtle, can I get some more coffee ova her babe?"
-- Modified on 5/9/2004 6:17:47 PM
Many ladies stay in the business, as the years go by, because they do not meet the right guy. But how do you expect to meet the right guy working as an escort?
There is a recent thread on "the economics of prostitution" citing an article standing for the proposition that part of the "high" pay providers receive is to compensate for their lost marriage opportunities and incurred social stigma. It rings true.
Are you as sexy when your body does the talking?
Fuggin' AWEsome post
Cm.
Heather, such a good post and a reality check for those on both sides of the equation in this community.
Like others perhaps I have a tendency to waver a bit and momentarily loose sight of what this dance is all about.
Nothing like a little straight talk to set things back on course.
Now I think I'll go and find a park bench...
Thanks from someone who is never likely to be a member of the six figure income set.
-- Modified on 5/10/2004 6:47:11 AM
Thank you Heather.
I think that, in my heart, I knew it was an addiction all along but what I was pondering out loud was that it's more than an addiction. Boyfriend #1 left because he realized that I was comparing him to everyone else. I never MEANT to do it but I think this life seeps into us and becomes a part of us. We all KNOW better than to be physically unprotected and catch a virus that we spread to our loved ones ... I just never thought that the job would give me an emotional virus that I spread to two decent and loving men who gave it their all before seeing that I was the one that wouldn't let it work. After a day of passion I wanted to come home from work and be a frump. He wanted to come home from work and have a night of passion,etc. I can't remember ever kissing him with the passion I kissed for money.
I have 46 friends in my address book and noticed last night that 3 are people that I haven't had sex with for money and now I feel like I gave the best I had to people who only offered money and a few laughs while the chances I had for real happiness got what was left over, if even that. Even BF #2 told me what was happening, but I was far too busy taking a romantic dinner cruise on that famous river in Egypt to think that he could possibly see what I couldn't see.
I'm not without resources and now that I know what I want, I know I'll get there. Now that I view the post and the threads, what comes to mind is some general advice that I wish someone had told me 10 years ago:
"If you don't see at least a part of yourself in this story, the more likely it IS your story."
EOM
-- Modified on 5/10/2004 10:50:54 PM
-- Modified on 5/10/2004 11:53:05 PM
Of course, we all see a bit of ourselves in your story. But to your credit, I'm sure you have grown and changed from the day you started in this business.
Some providers start the "biz" after they come out of long term relationships and marriages and they are not looking for deep, intimate relationships, at least not right away. So for them, being a provider can be a gradual path back toward being emotionally and mentally ready to start a real relationship. The best thing about this hobby is it teaches you have to be sensative and caring. A woman can how to learn how to be a better girlfriend, wife, partner in future relationships and perhaps get some incite as to where she failed.
Other providers are young and in school. Their entire focus is their education and finding out what they want to do with their lives. They may use their male partners as meal tickets to the fulfillment of a goal and light friendships that help them build confidence as women.
Yet others, are independent women who have decided they are happy being a mistress rather than a wife or sig other. I have had many providers tell me how this hobby has showed her just how much she likes her independence and how she's not sure if she could be married or in a long term relationship since she's used to calling the shots.
And still others maintain relationships or date as they provide.
You will be in a different place in your life at 45 than you were at 26 or 29. Don't appologize for that.
It sounds like your financial statement is in line. The thing is, your emotional statement is lacking.
You are so amazingly honest. While people are saying I made a cool post, I think full credit should be given to you on how you have dumped your heart out on this board saying some things that are shockingly honest.
Especially your comment about getting being excited about being paid for it vs. not being paid. Perhaps that has more to do about feeling truly wanted than about the money per se. The guy who is flying from a faraway land and shelling out some serious dough...that says a lot doesn't it? It says great things about the impression you made on him and the way he feels when he is with you. So maybe you want to feel wanted. Maybe it's not about being paid for it at all. Men like to feel wanted too. That's one small reason why they see escorts. And I would say, the hobby can be confidence building for both sides.
In summary, you are bound to evolve financially, emotionally, with regards to what you want, what you can handle, what you seek in a mate etc. so cut yourself some slack.
I'm not sure where you are, but it's been my experience that the west coast isn't as conducive to long term relationships and solid friendships as the east coast. That may be just my take. People are flakey and flighty. A fair share of men are superficial --women, materialistic. And the reason why everything is that way is because everyone wants stuff now -- the west coast = immediate gratification. On the east coast, people plan, wait, hope, work and are comfortable with holding out for some of the things they dig. Everyone out west thinks they are going to die if they don't get stuff the same day they thought of it.
Immediate gratification has its price. And Impatience is not the same thing as immediate gratification. I am not an immediate gratification person. Things take years to grow, personally, professionally. So perhaps you are addicted to the immediate gratification. That's why I said it might be worthwhile to take a pt job and parallel this to your personal life. Don't quit the biz but work and get a paycheck each week. It will show you that it takes time to build things. And you'll find a lot of stuff happening that you didn't plan on.
I just shot for 2 men's magazines. I have been in the adult biz for 4 years and I'm 35. By east coast standards, that's an overnight success. By west coast standards, I'm a late bloomer. But those out west might fall short of their goals because they give up when things don't happen quickly enough. We "east coast" gurls never give up. Keep plugging in there. There's nothing wrong with letting them see you sweat (opening up, failing, faltering, having roadblocks). Then when you win, they know what it took it get there.
hb
for the West Coast mentality versus the East Coast. Maybe you're only considering California as the west coast. That's an ignorant assumption by easterners quite often and one that many west coast people make about easterners. Remember, Phoenix (although it's considered the southwest) is part of the west coast, as is Nevada, Utah and a few other places. I have also lived on both coasts and although I love New York, I have viewed many New Yorkers as risk takers and "I-want-it-now-type people." Take a look at Washington, D.C. It is located on the east coast and the majority of those people are political stairclimbers. So, even though I totally agree with your post about this lady finding herself and becoming happy with who she really is, I had to comment on your post about the east versus the west. It has almost become a gang-related theory.
I used to crack up when I lived in the South and a lot of southerners would commit on how New Yorkers were Yankees and people from California are not meat eaters and talk like Valley girls. I guess we're all ignorant in some ways. When I lived overseas, the Europeans thought most Americans lived like the actors on Dynasty or Dallas and that AIDS had to have started in the good ole' USA.
It is humorous to see our perceptions of others' beliefs, mannerisms and theories.
Hugs,
Ciara
But Sully just pawn in game of life...
HBX on the other hand....
Sully typing with only one hand....
-- Modified on 5/10/2004 3:17:12 PM
Heather...you always give a great "readers digest" version response that never fails to disappoint or make me lose interest in reading to the end.
Cheers!
That's a sad thought 
This job could be degrading and hurt our securities if we were insecure in the first place (regarding the comment about doing all the things in order for men to really want her). It's a fine line in wanting to provide good customer service and take care of ourselves and our bodies, however please note ladies, that taking care of yourself and your body should be for YOU. While there is a market for the supermodel look, there is also another market for the down to earth ladies and what I hear over and over, what is truly sexy is a true self confidence that comes from within. I have seen some attractive hot bods on some of those tight and toned girls in their young 20's, but they have this strained feeling of desperation and wanting validation coming from them and then I have seen the ladies who are not perfect, but are just oozing with sensual sex appeal because they accept themselves, have real genuine smiles and laughter and easily make others feel good to be around them. I am hoping to be the later and as I get older, more beautiful. I take care of myself, for myself and find that instead of trying to conform and change to make every client like me, I will just be the best that I can be and realize that I'm not going to be every man's dream girl. And in that, I am rewarded with clients who enjoy my services and enjoy me for being myself and I have a wonderful time with many of my clients. Remember, it's only work if you don't like it. And we all have to work, so you might as well try to find ways to enjoy it 
As for my reply, it sounds as if you are still looking for validation from the outside and apparently think that if you could just get one of those rich, exciting and handsome guys to actually be with you, rather than the same old dull boyfriend, you will find true happiness. I'm afraid that you would end up finding out that these guys are more than rich, exciting and handsome, but could be old and dull in their own ways as you truly get to know them. Fantasy and thinking of the could be's just seems to be so much more than what reality is really offering. That doesn't mean that reality has to be boring, it's just saying that life is what you make of it and you can't wait around for someone else to fix your problems.
I would suggest some alone time for some soul searching and perhaps seeking out a professional to help guide you back on the path of dealing with whatever issues and insecurities that need to be dealt with in order for you to truly find that inner peace and happiness. (Ok, I'm sounding like Oprah now, but bear with me)
Perhaps the boyfriends weren't really as old and dull as you thought, but because they weren't the fantasy, you didn't really give them a fair chance to shine through. Open the eyes and see life from a different angle. Just remember, these rich exciting and handsome new men are real people and as much as we may connect in this profession with one another, it is not the same as actually dating and sharing a real relationship.
I wish you well on your journey and hope that you find that light within yourself and let it shine brightly! Hugz!
Heather had a great post on this subject and I would only like to say a couple of things regarding your post.
First your story is not unique. I don't know how many times I have heard a similar story from ladies in this business. And I actually think men pay a price for being in this hobby other than money also but that is a whole other subject.
Second when men come to see you it is like they are taking a vacation from their reality and so in many cases it is easy to be nice. It reminds me of someone getting off a plane from Hawaii after a two week vacation feeling all relaxed and talking about what a paradise it is. When you talk to the people who live in Hawaii and are working there they tend to view it as just another place to live and work. The hobbyist is on vacation and you and your boyfriend are at work.
I'm afraid I'll have to drivel this out over several posts/revisions for you. I am concerned about your crisis. But this thread may roll over before I am able to completely answer.
Please continue watching for my answer.
For the most part, however, Heather has done a marvelous job stating part of my case.
More to follow later.
/Zin