requires many subjective and objective factors, such as time, distance, opportunity, sympathy in feelings ... and yes, a common language. In the end, you let go, not because you want to, but you have to.
It’s been a little more than two weeks since my post “It was the best of times, it was the worst if times” where I talked about four nights and heartbreak with a provider in Singapore working under the name Ann. I read a couple replies at that time and realized I wasn’t ready to hear more about this, I just needed some time and perspective. I stayed away. A couple days back I decided to check out TER and read everything. First off WOW so many interesting posts and discussions before I got back to my message. I’d forgot why this is such a fun site. Many thanks for the good discussion on my post. For those of you who sent PMs and good thoughts, as well as those of you who provided a critical lens – THANK YOU.
The past few weeks have been like an album you get hooked on because it’s at that perfect pitch, in the moment. I’ve played this one over and over – enjoying re-listening to each rendition, considering each song and analyzing each lyric knowing beyond logic that the album produced far away, by people who’ve never heard of me is all about me. This experience just speaks to me in a powerful way.
There is no greater gift than an interesting life and the thoughtful reflection of it. All in all I’ll sum this up as I’d rather live an intense life full of feelings, experiences – whacky or emotional as they might be, than to have a life that’s boring and devoid of intensity. This one is right up there in the all time amazing experiences, and I am thankful for that. I’m not sure that anyone cares, or it matters but I’ll share my thoughts of the past two weeks with the only people I can, the TER community. You all know what I mean here. For better or worse we have each other. Here goes…
One of the scary and wonderful things about getting older is realizing the things that won’t happen in your life; it’s finite and not all thing are possible. It’s both obvious and sobering. I suppose to realize this at 50+ says something about me. I’m attracted to young GFE providers because it makes me feel young. What I see reflected in the tender eyes and the supple skin is me of twenty-five years ago, the promise of the open road, of all things being possible. So much of the pain I was feeling around Ann and this experience was letting go of my twenty-five year old self – again. It wasn’t just goodbye to Ann, it was good-bye to me. Goodbye to the possibilities.
One thing that came up in the last discussion here was did Ann play me for easy money? I’ve thought a lot about this and can say; no she didn’t. She is a provider, I tipped very well, we had a great time. But it was me who asked about her life, her situation and pushed on the issue of her being trapped and money being the reason. Say what you will but Ann didn’t exploit me, quite the contrary. I pushed for info and then became passionate about doing something.
The last time I heard from Ann was late Tuesday, Wednesday in Singapore, five days after my post. Before that we stayed in touch with text messages between our mobiles and talked on the phone a couple of time but limited English is tough for the complex questions I had. In our last communication I hired a translator and set up a conference call. I had used the service as a go between to translate a couple messages. I just wanted to really get to the bottom of things, Ann agreed and was happy to talk. I’d made it clear before this call that my life was here, my family was here and that would never change. I didn’t want any misunderstanding about this.
Through all of this I realized was that when I asked “do you want to go home” and the answer is “yes” it can mean a lot of things – and all not necessarily “I want to go home this instant”. I became too obsessed with NOW. In my job I considered someone that sees a problem or opportunity and is just all over fixing it. I’m passionate and full of energy when I have a big challenge. Nothing scares me – the tougher the better. So this was just another day in the life of Mr. Problem Solver, except I’m not sure Ann wanted that help. In a way she did, as in wanted me to come and take her from her life forever (I suppose the flip side of the GFE fantasy), but not in a John that wasn’t coming back for good and may be ever as I said in my letter.
In this last call Ann said that she needed to change SIM cards (phone number) and that she would call me when she got back to Thailand. It was ambiguous. I asked the translator, a Thai woman, what she thought – did Ann want to go home? The translator said “I think 90% but not sure”. Later, when I thought about her changing her number I realized in a way I outted Ann by giving social agencies her mobile number. She’s at risk legally and I’m sure needed to fade back into the woodwork. It wasn’t my place to be so aggressive. “Yes I want to go home, yes I miss my daughter, yes I want to be in Thailand, but I am her to make money and I’m going to stay and make more”. What do I expect? Was I offering to lift her out of her life or just pick her up and drop her back in Thailand, that she had left to her own devices??
She’s no different than any other provider; making the economic decision to engage in this business. Maybe I worry because her choices are fewer and her reality tougher but I think in the end it’s the same deal she’s making. She walks freely the streets of Singapore and at least now knows that anytime she wants to go home she can walk into the Thai Embassy or call one of these agencies I got her in contact with. In the end its good thing that I know there’s no doubt that she’s there by choice – and I hope for her she realizes that also.
I suppose it doesn’t matter if I hear from Ann again. It doesn’t make what happened any less or any different. Like anything that’s happened it will remain just that, what happened. And my experience will remain the same subjective view of what happened. Of course btw it’s a lie that it doesn’t matter. If I don’t, it will haunt me.
Over time I realized that yes something had in fact happened between us. Beyond or between the transactional. What took time to understand was that my lens to experience this wasn’t the same as hers. I pay, I get, she gives, she gets. When something happens in this in-between space, transfigured through mysterious alchemy, it doesn’t mean it was the same for us both. What we saw in each other’s eyes were the reflection of own dreams and fantasies; me to be young, to start over, to live an interesting life, to love madly. What she saw I don’t know. Maybe an ATM machine. Maybe a wealthy gentleman arrives in her Pretty Woman world and lifts her out. That’s not mine to know, just that the wheat germ of affection bakes many different breads.
At the end of this last call Ann wanted to talk directly to me. I thanked the translator and asked her to leave. We were alone. In small words passed back in forth like diamonds enough was said to know what had happened was both precious and untenable. This was beyond artifice. Ann said again that she would call me when she got back to Thailand and thanked me for everything. Time will tell. For days hardly an hour went by that I didn’t look at my phone for a message from her, that passed however every now and again a message alert arrives and I wonder…
but now do you appreciate what it is that brought you home? Do you see your wife with new and perhaps more appreciative eyes? It is not a bd thing to be 25 again...try it at home too. Let us know. I think the main danger in this 'hobby' is losing perspective.
Thanks for asking. I’ve always appreciated what I have at home and never thought for a rational moment about giving it up. What this experience allowed me face, in a fresh way, is that I’m married for life to this one person. I’ve never been into this hobby to find someone new or fall in love, quite the opposite. Finding myself unexpectedly looking into the fire of passion took me a back a bit but in the end it was another side of realizing that all paths are not mine.
Couple nights ago my wife and I were listening to a vibrant couple well into their seventies give a slide presentation to a group we belong to, their banter, the little disagreements over what really happened, their respective red laser pointers dueling across the screen and I realized – growing old is not so bad and doing it together with someone you love is a wonderful thing.
thanks again,
requires many subjective and objective factors, such as time, distance, opportunity, sympathy in feelings ... and yes, a common language. In the end, you let go, not because you want to, but you have to.
I'm glad to hear you're now able to view this whole experience with more perspective than when you initially posted.
When I responded to your first post, I was attacked by people who offered no first hand experience, but just wanted to feed your romanticized version of reality. I'll admit, I gave you a strong dose of reality basd on my experience in Asia- and perhaps it was too strong for where you were at, at that moment in time.
But a point I didn't make clear in my first post was not only did I travel to Asia 37 times, I never travelled alone. Which meant that each trip gave me the experiences of 2 or 3 other guys for comparison purposes- well over 100 overnight provider experiences in total. I also had the warnings/stories of the locals with whom I was doing business. Most of these guys were middle-aged and very experneiced with the providers in their area. In fact, they usually hooked us up with the local girls because they knew the right places to go.
So while I didn't sugar-coat my comments, they were warnings based on some very real knowledge in this area. As a result, when I read your original post I just cringed. Other posters just wanted you to feel good (or attack me personally), wheras I wanted you to realize what you were saying and doing and get you out of the fog you were in.
It's one thing to come home with fond memories and a little smile on your face everytime you think of her. It's an entirely different story when you're considering chucking your family and heading to Asia with a young girl you've only known for a short period of time.
Now that you can see that difference for yourself, you've in a good position to evaluate, as well as savor, what happened to you.
-- Modified on 5/3/2004 1:18:16 AM