Too easy to get all messed up and end up feeling uncomfortable, or, worst case scenario, find yourself on the end of harrassment charges.

Do like the rest of the civilians and go to a bar!!

Elise [email protected]


p.s.
Rule #1 Don't date in your neighborhood~~ if you like where you live

Rule #3 Don't date at your gym~~if you like where you work out!

The list could go on!!

-- Modified on 4/17/2004 3:50:24 PM

First of all, I think it wouldn't hurt to be a little bit more assertive.  Right now you are trying to be too nice of a guy and always leaving her a way out.  Ask her for her number!  She's already said that she would go out with you.  

Secondly, instead of putting her in a situation where she has to arrange for a babysitter on the first date, ask her to lunch.  She already has her kids covered while she's at work.  Or you can ask her out for a quick drink after work as she may be able to get a sitter to stay an exta hour much easier than arranging for an evening.  

There are a bunch of things to look out for if you date somebody from work, especially if one of you is a manager, but since you haven't got to first base you don't have to worry about them too much yet.  Just remember, if she says no at some point you should just drop it and become a coworker again.  


-- Modified on 4/17/2004 3:57:06 PM

he developed a crush on another brother's girl--let's call them Bob and Cathy.  after Bob and Cathy broke up, Abe picks up with her.  Abe and Bob were good friends before that--after that, they wouldn't talk.  Cathy soon dumped Abe (over the phone no less).  Bob has never forgiven Abe.  So here it is 20 years later, two guys who were best friends for 10 years haven't talked for 20 years.  What's the point of all this?  Don't f*ck with da rules.  Da rules?

1.  Don't dip your pen in company ink
2.  Don't covet your brother's woman--unless you want to ruin two relationships
3.  Don't try to pick up the waitress at your favorite restaurant
4.  Don't date a woman who's never had a real job of any kind
5.  Don't, even as a joke, flirt with your SO's girlfriends

Why look for trouble?

The foregoing responses that warn about dating where you work are exactly on point; it is, with almost no exception, a very bad idea.  This is especially true in your case because it sounds like the lady you fancy is not equally interested in you.

In any event, the day you spent pouting should be a good indicator of things to come.  Many relationships fail -- even those which begin more auspiciously than the one you describe.  And if you still have to work with an ex, it will be uncomfortable at best.

A few months after my wife passed away, I was working at my company's headquarters in New England for a week (I live in New Jersey).  Without getting into any details, a woman with whom I had worked for the previous three years, and who lives near the headquarters building, wound up in bed with me.  This began what we both thought was going to be a great relationship.  Well, for reasons which aren't important, the relationship failed after about six months.  The upshot is even though I only see this woman two or three times a year, when I do, it's very tense.  Can you imagine what YOUR life would be like if the same happened to you, with you seeing your lady friend every day?  There are reasons why so many companies have regulations discouraging employee fraternization.  

For even MORE fun; you didn't mention your reporting relationship with this woman.  But, if you're in a higher position -- even if she's not a direct report -- you could wind up with a sexual harassment suit if things go south and she feels slighted.  

Since you ask, my advice is to look elsewhere for romance.  This has got catastrophe written all over it.

Good luck.

You gave her several chances and reminders to call you or give out her number, but she hasn't done that yet.

Who knows whether it's her recent bad relationship, problems at home with the kids, or you two being co-workers--but she doesn't seem eager to start things up with you. Repeatedly asking her to call may even seem like a form of harassment if you overdo it.

Perhaps she just needs a little time. Why don't you be patient and maybe ask her again in a few weeks? Good luck!

P.S. Like Sedona, I have dated people at work (large organizations) but they were in different departments; so although dating a co-worker may be unwise, it can be done if you keep your wits about you.

-- Modified on 4/17/2004 4:35:41 PM

she is obviously not interested in you, and persisting in following her will just get you a sex harrassment charge at work.

but you want to risk it all by fishing off the company pier.
IMHO - Stick with the hobby until you find a less dangerous civilian dating situation.

  Cm.

Honestly, her behavior shows she's not interested...

It sounds from a female point of view, that she does not really want to go out with you but wants to be friends and is trying to be nice about it.  

By you asking her over and over, that even more of a turn off and makes you look a little clingy.

I would respect her wishes, and let her make a move "if and when" she is interested, and accept the fact that she may only see you as a friend.

Either way, good luck and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you equally.

I know that just even the mention of the ex is bad.
If it does come up, remember that she was uglier,meaner and not better than your new sweetie.
P.S.,
Even if the opposite were true.
Same rule applies to both sexes.

dude, you got it bad.  We've all been there and I feel your pain.  Infatuation sucks, hang in there.  Don't try so hard, when its meant to be it'll just happen.

Good luck buddy,
cy

Sounds like a story I could of posted from a while back, almost to a tee except I went just tad bit farther and got hurt. So here are some things I learned.
1: No matter how much of a match you think you are, you will never truly know till you date someone long term (first impressions are very rarely accurate).  You end up building a false impression with people that you know superficially and this ends up crumbling sooner or later.  So you say, 'then we should date to find out?' right?? see point 2
2: Never be the rebound guy (or girl).  Women (and sometimes men) need to flirt (or what the opposite sex thinks is flirting) but what really is going on is self esteem building.  She (or he) finds a 'mark' (usually a nice guy) and flirts and since it is reciprocated, the self esteem builds.  Once it goes beyond flirting it is no longer 'safe' and the fear of rejection comes back and poof, she's gone and you are left with a whole lotta nothing.
3: Don't date in the work place.  It doesn't matter if you and her rarely see each other, it will still cause problems because I can guarantee that point 1 and 2 will come into play sooner or later and it will be weird.
4: Do not, I repeat do not try to figure women out.  I am the smartest man alive when it comes to women and this holds true 100% of the time until I become involved with one.... then I am an idiot.  I have had more women tell me that I really truly understand them (chick friends, friends wives, female coworkers, old female classmates, even providers) but once I start thinking with other things other than my head aka whats either in my shirt or pants, all bets are off as are probably are yours. (The smartest guy thing was a joke...kindof)
5: I know what you are going to say, "Well, this situation is different and we really connect and she is just going through a rough time and I'm a nice guy and I can be there for here and she'll really appreciate me....ladedadeda."  Every guy says it, some more than once.
6: If she's going through a rough time, go to a book store find, "The Blue Day Book" leave it on her desk with a note saying that you will be more than happy to be her FRIEND or something of a nature that implies you are not interested in dating buy you will still be a nice guy.
7:  Find someone else to date quick and get your mind off of it.

Didn't read all the other posts so if someone else gave out similar advice didn't mean to step on your toesys.

Thanks for all your responses. TER is a wonderful community. There was alot of different opinions. It helped me just being able to tell my story.Sometimes getting the opinion of unbiast people is the best thing.You guys don't know me,but your responses to my post means alot.The most common response was to back off and i'm going to do that. I can't help the way I feel about this girl and I really hope something good happens.If it doesn't thats the way it was meant to be.I'm not sure how many chances in a lifetime you get to meet someone special,but I wasn't going to pass this up.I've tried and the ball is in her court as one of the posters said.I really like this hobby,but I would love not having to hobby.

Or if you insist, she will spell it out for you.

So many aspects of this thread hit home for me

I felt I needed to chime in on this topic, because I have myself seen so much of it in my own personal experiences.

1)  I've had a woman say she would go do something with me (in a general context), only to give excuses when I asked to do something specific.  (This is known as "the run-around).

2)  I've had a woman pull the "rebound flirting" on me, albeit I didn't know at the time.  It wasn't verbal, either; it was physical.  Rubbing shoulders; sitting in close proximity; legs crossed underneath mine; light footsies leading to blantant footsies & downright pressing her foot on my leg for several seconds; hair flipping & head shaking, which sent her perfume flying in my face.  I basically "froze" while all of this was going on.  It led to her chewing me out for "following her around" and acting weird.  The reality was that my non-response to her behavior did not give her the ego affirmation she was seeking, so she flipped it around and blamed me.  (Both 1 and 2 were the same woman.)

3)  I've used the approach you tried, giving my phone number to the woman without asking for hers.  I didn't want to be tempted to call if I didn't hear from her (impatience).  I figured if she was interested, she would call.  She didn't.  I realized I apparently wasn't good enough for her to socialize with on any level, so I said to hell with her.

4)  I've attempted to develop a relationship with a co-worker.  I was given the "I've already got a boyfriend" excuse, which I found later was just that; an excuse.  Some of her female co-workers thought I was a dork, so she didn't want to have them laughing at her by going out with me.

After graduating with a Ph.D. in Female Futility from Hard Knocks U., I have this to say.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  You did nothing wrong in your attempts to develop something with your co-worker.  I personally don't find it inappropriate to date a co-worker, mainly because if it wasn't for the workplace, we wouldn't have met.  You just need to be cautious, as some of the other posters to this thread has indicated.

I do fear that her reluctance to go out after agreeing to do so does not bode well for you (see #1 above).  Whether it's the recent breakup, just being too polite to formally say "no", too much persistence on your part, etc., is hard to deduce, but my experiences have told me that if something doesn't happen pretty much right out of the chute, it isn't going to.  That was a painful lesson I learned from college nearly 20 years ago which still has terrible repurcussions on me today.  I have never been able to figure out women.  I try to be "assertive", it comes off as being "needy" and a "pest".  I do nothing, and I get walked all over.  I try to stand up for myself, and I get told to kiss off.  I've gotten grief for trying too hard, not trying hard enough, and doing nothing.  Nothing I have personally said, tried, or done has worked.

Reading about your situation struck home with me on many levels.  It really ruffles my feathers to see a lot of what happened to me occurring to someone else.  It only reinforces why I gave up attempting to find love.  It's not worth the crap and games involved.  My suggestion would be to back off from the situation and go about your business.  If something is meant to happen, it will.  Don't sit around hoping or expecting it.  That was one of the major mistakes I made.  I know that is extremely difficult when romantic emotions are involved, but try to do so.  I was extremely naive when this happened to me, and I can only wonder how my life might've turned out differently if I would've known then what I know now.  Also, if you haven't done so already, I would suggest you not to apologize to her for ignoring her.  You might've known you were, but she may not.  You basically were working and otherwise minding your own business.  That doesn't mean you were being rude.  (I have had that misperception happen to me many times.)  You basically did nothing; you shouldn't have to apologize for that.