Growing up Catholic, the last two months of the calendar year were often a popular time in my community to visit the confessional. Not surprisingly, everyone wanted to "cleanse" their souls in preparation for the new year, much like a "do-over" you normally might only have when your character runs out of lives or dies in a video game. There was a particular year in my childhood where I cut it extremely short-- just minutes before the start of Christmas Mass. Hurried and anxious, I fumbled over the list of sins that I had committed since my last meeting, though to my credit, for the first time I did *not* forget to mention the budding carnal desires I had quietly kept, the activities I had enjoyed in discretion, or the films I watched in secret online-- details I had shared with no one up till then and certainly feared divulging most, let alone to my local priest where our mutual anonymity was supposedly promised by a screen facade.
Despite my trepidation leading up to that point, the rest of the exchange was uneventful. The priest listened to me with quiet patient understanding before giving me my assigned penance: a handful of prayer recitations and to be kinder to my parents.

That's... it? That's it!? I tumbled out of the confessional and back just in time for mass, blinking heavily as my eyes readjusted to the light with my sudden re-entrance back into reality. Yet unlike all the other times that I had gone to confession and felt no different afterwards, I could have been a bird; my spirit was high, euphoric even, and I had a strange bodily sensation of walking on air...

Though I am no longer religious, I have since taken it upon myself to share that same sense of enlightenment with the gentlemen of my life, albeit by methods that are more... creative. One can only imagine the dark desires you have been harboring, the carnal hunger you have thinly veiled, the embers that crave stoking by an artisan's hand. Allow me to exorcise you of your demons with my impassioned cleansing rituals...

Please note that the results of my treatment are not permanent. There is no known cure for naughty thoughts, wandering hands, or wanton fancies. Repeat and follow-up sessions are recommended for proper maintenance. *wink wink*