I also have let a provider into my life as both a cherished friend and a tenant in my home. I too have witnessed the realities of the "supply side" of the hobby. The time and effort a good provider puts into her profession is sobering.
These simple rules of conduct listed by 'Loverofwomen' are relevent for newbies and veterens alike. Let us keep them in our minds and hearts always gentlemen. To do so will only insure better, more enjoyable experiences for us ALL.
FR.
Those of you who know me from these boards know that I've seen a number of providers and have formed lasting friendships with some of these ladies. One of the dearest of these friends fell on hard times around October of 2003, so I offered her the use of my spare bedroom and pretty much the run of my house. In February, my friend got back on her feet and was able to move into her own place. She and I are still very close and remain in contact.
While my friend lived with me, she continued to operate as a provider, and as such, gave me the opportunity to see things from a whole new perspective. I thought my observations and insights might be appropriate here on the Newbie Board, because having an appreciation of what's happening on the other end of the phone or internet connection may help some hobbyists be more understanding and patient. This can only lead to smoother and happier relationships with our providers, resulting in a win/win situation.
I had no idea of the effort a good provider puts forth in securing an appointment and providing the quality of service we hobbyists desire. Many of these efforts are obvious; the hair, the make-up, the clothes and so on. But what's not readily apparent is the ratio of contacts to actual appointments. The amount of work involved is easily equivalent to a full-time job.
The number of dead-end calls is staggering. Many are from guys who just enjoy the thrill of speaking to a provider, with no real intent of using her services. It was normal for my friend to spend several hours a day with multiple IM sessions open (some with a web cam, so she had to look her best) carrying on simultaneous conversations. All the while, each phone call and IM message had to be treated as a potential client. No matter how tired my friend was, or how poorly she may have felt, when she was on the phone or on-line, she had to come off as bright, energetic and sensuous.
So often, I would watch my friend develop an appointment over several contacts -- maybe even over several days -- and get herself all prepared to go, just to have the client cancel at the last second. I was amazed at how often this occurred.
The screening process was another fascinating area. The dangers out there are sobering; law enforcement and disease, of course. But the possibility of walking into a hotel room occupied by some psycho was always at the forefront. My friend had become pretty good at her screening techniques. But there were a number of nights she'd come home visibly shaken and I would just hold her and let her sob.
We hobbyists have to remember that our providers are first and foremost people. Most are women who are vulnerable and sensitive. They have the same dreams, hopes and fears as do most people. They love. They cry. They laugh and they hurt. They need affection and belonging as much as any of us. They've chosen a vocation in which there can be a great deal of emotional exposure, but in which they must remain detached and professional. They know if they falter in this detachment, they risk terrible pain.
So guys, when you deal with a provider, be a gentleman. More importantly, be a gentle man. Be patient with the screening and don't take things personally.
Be on time. Don't make an appointment unless you're as sure as you can be that you're going to keep it. And if you can't keep your appointment, let the provider know as quickly as possible.
Within reason, do what you can to make the provider feel appreciated and special. Yes, you're the customer, but some kind words and some simple courtesy can have no effect but to make your time more enjoyable.
Do your research. Be certain the provider you've chosen is willing to carry on the activities you have in mind. Be sure of the provider's rules and stay within those guidelines. Be clear on the amount of the donation and how the provider would like it handled.
As difficult as this may be, remember the emotions you're feeling are biological in nature -- they're not love. Don't fall into the trap of becoming fixated on a provider; it scares them and makes you miserable. This is supposed to be fun -- that's why they call it a hobby. If it gets out of hand, lives can be ruined.
Have the good form to avoid speaking about sex or asking explicit questions when you're setting things up with a provider. Instead, use resources like TER's reviews and discussion boards to determine what to expect.
As you venture out into this most enjoyable of hobbies, keep these observations in mind and everyone will have a good time.
I also have let a provider into my life as both a cherished friend and a tenant in my home. I too have witnessed the realities of the "supply side" of the hobby. The time and effort a good provider puts into her profession is sobering.
These simple rules of conduct listed by 'Loverofwomen' are relevent for newbies and veterens alike. Let us keep them in our minds and hearts always gentlemen. To do so will only insure better, more enjoyable experiences for us ALL.
FR.
Sadly, the folks who need to read this message the most are the ones who don't participate on boards like this. The ones here know most of that already.
and helpful to your friend and to us!
..that should be required reading for all newbies and even many of us who have varying degrees of experience and time in the hobby.
I am certain that it would be an eye opening experience for many of us guys to observe first hand what these women have to deal with on a day to day basis.
You are to be commended for taking the time to share your observations of the experiences of your friend as she went about the day to day efforts to re-establish herself and stay successful, or attempt to stay successful, as a provider and in the process remain safe.
It was profoundly generous to open your home to her when she was struggling and I think it is a measure of the trust that had developed between the two of you. To establish that level of trust and friendship with someone is valuable beyond words and I would suspect the exception rather than the rule but hopefully there are other examples of this out there.
"But what's not readily apparent is the ratio of contacts to actual appointments. The amount of work involved is easily equivalent to a full-time job."
I am certain this is the case particularly for those who make this their sole means of support. I have been told as much but to see it first hand in the way you have certainly drives home the point.
"The dangers out there are sobering; law enforcement and disease, of course. But the possibility of walking into a hotel room occupied by some psycho was always at the forefront. My friend had become pretty good at her screening techniques. But there were a number of nights she'd come home visibly shaken and I would just hold her and let her sob."
I am not sure how fully clients appreciate this concept of the dangers these women face. Certainly law enforcement and disease are sobering issues to deal with but the most worrisome and frigtening to me is the reference to meeting some psycho who can and perhaps will do the woman severe physical harm or worse.
I have thought about that possibility with respect to the providers I know, and I fear most for their safety in that regard.
This is a primary reason why I am willing to share the information requested by the provider to help ensure her own safety. I do my homework to ensure for myself that this information can be entrusted to the provider and thus far I have not had a bad experience. There are limits of course.
I think it took a great deal of emotional and mental strength on your part to witness that aspect of this first hand, and on her part to continue to deal with this despite her best efforts to screen out such clients. I'm not sure I could have handled it as well as you apparently did.
"We hobbyists have to remember that our providers are first and foremost people. Most are women who are vulnerable and sensitive. They have the same dreams, hopes and fears as do most people. They love. They cry. They laugh and they hurt. They need affection and belonging as much as any of us. They've chosen a vocation in which there can be a great deal of emotional exposure, but in which they must remain detached and professional. They know if they falter in this detachment, they risk terrible pain."
With respect to the above this is one area that is perhaps frought with as much emotional risk and danger for the client as the provider. I am sure there are any number of guys who can keep everything in perspective and avoid entanglements that could result in emotional anguish and heartache for either party or both. No matter how much sage advice is given on this, no matter how much is written about it, it can at times be something of a gray area despite one's best intentions, despite one's self assurance that he has everything in perspective. The emotional exposure that we all risk, or most of us risk makes it a bit of a tightrope to walk at times. I feel that I have wavered with respect to this issue myself on occasion but with time I seem to be able to get back on track and regain my focus, at least I seem to be able to "convince" myself for the most part of such.
Thanks again for taking the time to share this with others in the community. This post is perhaps one of the best, most useful things I have read on this board.
Best of luck to you and your provider friend. I can only aspire to be such a good friend to those whose lives I touch.
-- Modified on 3/20/2004 10:50:59 AM
-- Modified on 3/20/2004 11:12:09 AM
-- Modified on 3/20/2004 11:22:11 AM
Pretty please with sugar on top? 
)) Love your post!
Mel
I used to post frequently on this subject about five years ago under a different alias. I dated a successful provider from 1993 to 1999 and saw all of the things you described. I was also friends with a less successful provider for about four years and couldn't believe how much bullshit she had to deal with as a less established girl.
Until you mentioned it, I'd forgotten how many guys there are that just want to talk to a provider and waste her time. They apparently consider it free phone sex and some how get-off on it. Most of them don't even bother with the pretext of making an appointment, they just want to hear her describe herself and see if they can get her to talk about what they can do. These guys need to rent some porn and leave the providers alone.
There are also a lot of men out there who have major issues with women. These are frequently played out with escorts who have to bear the brunt of their dsyfunctions. Some are from cultures that still treat women like chattel, others have deep-seated contempt for women and need therapy. While others are simply rude, socially stunted, or full of themselves.
Yes, for every gem on TER that thinks he's the answer to every woman's dream, there are three who are totally clueless. Dealing with all of these issues makes it hard for an escort to be that warm, nurturing or exciting GFE most of us enjoy.
It may be "all about the money," but I can assure you the money doesn't compensate for them sufficiently for the negative experiences inherent in this activity. I was the guy who saw these ladies at the end of the day and who had to talk them down over dinner and margaritas to get them emotionally back on track so they could re-group and do it again the next day. Of course, it wasn't always this bad, but it wasn't that unusual either.
Guys who don't understand the term "YMMV" usually don't realize they're part of the problem. They want to act like an asshole, and then recieve first-rate service. They want to use their money to make up for what they lack in personality or manners, and then wonder why they didn't get the same experience as some other guy. If you approach the "hobby" the same way you would approach dating any other woman- respectfully, honestly, dressed to impress etc., you'll find the quality of your proivder experiences will improve.
Check your ego and attitude at the door, and be an interesting and engaging date- your money buys her time, not the right to act disrespectfully. Like any woman, providers look forward to guys whose company they enjoy and will respond accordingly, especially if you become a regular. They may be more giving than most women, but you still have to do your part and meet them halfway. It's worth the effort.
-- Modified on 3/20/2004 11:45:15 AM
from both sides. Although I have never lived with a provider, I have been with them long enough to get a glimpse of what they have to go through to succeed in this business. I have become close friends with a few ladies and have frequently been accused of kissing their asses. Well, my feelings are that I'm glad that I'm the one they choose to let kiss their ass and not the accuser.
There is not much more I can add to this well written thread except to say thanks for the reminder that our emotions are biological in nature, not love. To the women who have befriended me... Thanks! And you know who you are...
Sometimes it not ALL about the money, but I will never take advantage of it.
This should go into somne sort of "TER Archive".
-Hoot.
Your third and fourth paragraph, in particular, point the amount of time that is spent, and the ways in which it's spent that we do - some ladies way more than others.
And, it's also frustrating to have emails going back and forth about what days and times work best for both, and then get around to the details, such as screening info, and they never reply. For me, the more readily, and easily they participate in the screening, the more likely I/we will be to see them. If we can't get to first base, then we don't have the trust to go onto the next step and I'd rather move on to someone who will, and is confident in the processes.
A number of my old friends have sent me private messages welcoming me back into the fold. And there's understandably been quite a few questions about my situation. So...
Yes, I'm still in the relationship for which I entered retirement and to date, as I mentioned in one of my private messages, I haven't polished the bishop with anything but domestic oil. My SO is a delightful woman for whom I have deep feelings. Even after nearly two years though, I still find myself comparing her (unfairly) to the ghost of my wife. Moreover, my SO's grown daughter is possitively certifiable -- a real monster; a situation which, as I have explained to my SO, will prevent our relationship from progressing and may indeed, cause its end.
I'm back because, frankly, I missed the humor, the banter and the free exchange of ideas. I've also missed some really nice people; some of whom I've come to think of as potential friends.
Again, as I mentioned in one of my private replies, my job has me traveling quite a bit and, as surprising as I find this, I have had a number of opportunities to check the oil in several foreign cars. But I don't want to begin a relationship with anyone until my current situation resolves. To do so would be unfair to two innocent people.
I have, on the other hand, revisited not only these boards, but a number of you ladies' sites. And while I'm not going to go apesh*t, I do intend to drop in on some of you. Indeed, there's a matter in San Diego to which I would like to attend, and plan to do so as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Sedona, you'll be the first to know (wink...actually, it was more like a leer).
…After spending almost two years becoming close to a very special woman in my heart, who is also in the business, your post reminds me just how difficult her profession can be on her. We both find ourselves facing a different battle each day with our emotions, and her with all that you describe going on in her day. She tries hard to keep me sheltered, but in turn I think I need a reminder once in a while, so I can appreciate the efforts she goes though for both of us, especially the effort to make me feel so special.
Thanks for the great post LoW,
I can only hope that I haven’t become more of a burden for her in her life, rather than what a true friend should be.
I would like to hear from someone who has survived a relationship with these kind of challenges, because this is one I REALLY want to make work.
SM
-- Modified on 3/20/2004 2:16:41 PM
I am always straight to the point in my initial e-mails. I let them know in a nice and charming way that I'm a real player, and that if they choose to make a date with me, I will arrive when I say I will, I will be immaculately clean, and that they are going to get the fuck of their lives!!!!!! LOL!!!
Kidding about the last part,
Jacksonlips
I too have observed the behind the scenes things the providers go through for us lucky guys who get to see them. I think too many guys have a plan B in case plan A falls through, so plan B could get stuck with either a last minute cancellation or a no show. If I ever feel a need for a plan B I schedule accordingly and if both happen I am double happy. This thread should be required reading.
Billy
What a great and in sightful post. I have made the mistake of falling in love with a provider and it does indeed create many problems on both sides of the relationship. I had an overwhelming desire to save her from the evils of the business(which you describe and are absolutely true)and she deleloped a need for me to be the shoulder to cry on when things are not going well. Listen the the voices of experience and date non-providers and vice-versa. This is a brutal business and alot of the girls are in fact doing it for one reason. $$$$$$ To pay for their children, parents etc.. So when they like anybody else has a bad day don't condemn them but understand what they have to put up with on a day to day basis.