How does one become hobbyist of the year? I asked that question of TER recently and was told the following story. The process is based on long tradition passed down through the ages. It is meant to weed out the weak and undeserving while rewarding the hobbyist and providers he sees from the day of his selection on. Few people know of this and many fewer are even capable of passing the rigorous process. Only one can be selected in any one year and sometimes many years can pass with no one making the cut.

The candidates must meet certain minimum requirements. He must have at least 30 reviews and 5 white listings must be accrued. The man must be at least 30 years old and have weight in proportion to height. There is no cap on the age because it was determined long ago that any man who can pass the test is worthy of the title. All candidates must also pass a criminal background check and have absolutely no record of violence toward women.

Once the pre-screening is complete the candidate is ready for the actual test. Remember, only one can be hobbyist of the year. In the event more than one man completes the challenge, the one with the fastest time is the winner. Rarely has more than one ever completed the test.

The test is conducted in three phases. The test challenges the candidates memory, ability to perform under adverse conditions, physical strength and endurance, ability to sexually satisfy a woman and ability to follow a specific set of instructions.

The three phases are these. At the beginning of the trial, the most recent candidate, a man from San Diego who we shall refer to as "John" was stood in front of three small buildings separated by about 20 feet. John was given the specific instructions as follows:

In the first building, John was to find a key and a pair of pliers. He was told to also find a bottle of "Jack Daniels," pour 8 ounces into a glass and then drink all the whisky in less than a minute. Once this task is complete John was to go to the second building, use the key to unlock the door and use the pliers to remove an infected tooth from a Bengal Tiger chained to the wall by an 8 foot length of heavy chain. Upon completing this second task, John was to exit the building, lock the door, go to the third building, unlock the door, enter the building, find the naked and very old woman on the bed and satisfy her in every way she desires. When she determines he has completed this last task, John was to exit, lock the door behind him and ring the bell on the wall.

At the sound of a gun, the clock started counting and John ran to the first building. There was a lot of clutter but he quickly found the key and the pliers. The bottle of Jack Daniels proved a little harder because it was hidden under a pile of old and used condoms, worn out vibrators and other things best left to your imagination. John's perseverance paid off. He found the bottle and a glass, poured and drank all 8 ounces within a minute and left the building. Outside, he was met by a proctor who stopped John, spun him around ten times and then sent him on his way.  

John staggered to the second building and unlocked the door. He entered and, closing the door behind him, was lost from view. Proctors outside could only hear what was happening inside. The noise was loud. There was a lot of yelling, growling, and loud thumps of bodies hitting the walls. After several minutes all was quiet. Several minutes passed and the proctors were worried John had become a meal for the tiger. Several more minutes passed and, just as the proctors were about to enter, John came outside! His clothes were torn and tattered, blood was dripping from numerous places of his body and he could barely stand, let alone walk. But, John stood proud and with a determined look on his face and a set to his jaw he asked loudly, "Now, where in the hell is that old lady with the bad tooth?"

Needless to say, John did not pass the test. Nobody did and, so, there is no hobbyist of the year for 2016.

Until next year .....