I get depressed after the fact. Ahead of time and during it I'm pumped to be with a young and sexy thing that is rocking my world but when it's done I'm back to being alone and stuck with whatever thoughts or pain I was trying to avoid and no amount of bbbj or anal or money can fix that. And if she didn't it live up to my built up expectations then the hole afterwards is even deeper.  

But a few days later the little general starts to rise and the cycle starts again.  

Good luck with your journey.

I think it's fine to spill your guts here, but this will not help you learn how to deal with your condition.  Depression is a huge problem for many people.  

If you honestly have those feeling as you described, trying to self-medicate or trying to work through it by yourself may be too huge a hurdle.

I wish you luck in finding people who can honestly help you.  But you need to help yourself by finding them first.  Godspeed.

Think of depression as  something in your brain having an electrical problem or a chemical balance problem.  They can identify the problem and solve it with a pill.  Don't see a shrink.....they will solve nothing.   Whatever you do, solve the problem.  Living with depression is not a choice for you and those around you.

don't let things get to you, learn to shrug them off...see the sunshine through the trees...it could be worse, just look at the news and you'll see many who are much worse off, those who have overcome the impossible, been through the unimaginable, and those who experience darkness everyday of their lives that is simply terrifying.  When I feel down or even too happy, I visit and help out at a homeless shelter or women's shelter or back in Europe, at an orphange, and then I feel better, not only by knowing God loves me and blessed me with good fortune, but also by helping those less fortunate feel happy and hopeful. Maybe even changing lives.
Hope you feel better.  God Bless

I would think that depression here is higher than the general population. From both sides.

It got so bad I even once tried to end it. I got lucky in it didn't take and I was forced to get help. Don't wait depression is serous and real help is out there. Please get the help you need.

I fear too often people equate depression with mental illness.  
Depression can be a result of many things. Chemical imbalance is one and it is very treatable  

Depression is common in many occupations.  

I would not see any connection to this or any other endeavor  to depression.
Lots of people become very skilled at wearing mask to hide inner turmoils.  Highly educated professional , blue collar workers , very religious types , backsliders , non believers , youngish , oldsters, good guys bad guys all are susceptible .  But you do not have to go though life feeling bad. And , btw, depression is not triggered by thinking you are doing bad things.  

The main thing is it is important to seek professional help.  You deserve to feel good.  We all do

You've made the first step, you sought out help.  Takes courage to do that regardless of the method you chose.  Now comes the next step - seeking professional help.  I know many will offer words of encouragement and suggestions.  However what worked for them might not be the best course of action for you.

I might have been one of those clients you've encountered along the way.  I've battled this for a good number of years now.  Back then most didn't recognize the symptoms and often when it hit, I heard "snap out of it", "what's wrong with you?".  I finally sought help on my own and continue to be treated for it.  It is manageable thankfully.

Now why I do this, come into this world on occasion.  It's because for whatever time I'm with someone I get to feel human again, like I have a reason or purpose.  It's amazing the healing powers of a human touch or a warm embrace.  But that's just me.

I want to wish you the best of everything and to encourage you to seek out help.  Real help.  

BTW, you sound like someone I know or have met IRL.  Don't know why, but you do.

I know you're not asking for advice, but to see if you're not alone.

A lot of people don't want to remind themselves every day that they struggle with something, so they don't take medication or go to a doctor. Here's one thing I have found out, depression and anxiety are considered the common cold of mental illness, and rarely have a stigma in the medical industry. So getting treatment for that is pretty common.

I had a friend who struggled with it and finally went on anti-depressants. Totally turned her around. Other friends didn't find help in medicine.

Another thing that helps is not seeing people who insult you, even in the slightest sense, if they are coming to see you as a client. You need people who are going to build you up, and if you're an extremely sensitive person, go with people who will match you. (less money, but sounds to me like you think being happy is more important.) The fact that you don't have thick skin isn't always a bad thing. It can mean you have an empathetic heart and you feel harder.

As far as the depression goes, I don't have it except in winter, but not severe. I have had anxiety for years though, that music meditation has really helped. And sometimes completely dissolves. I listen to meditation music which balances me out, a newfound music therapy technique.  

I also select music I listen to carefully. Knowing your body is key. If certain types of music put a downer on my soul, I stop listening to it. Music is very powerful and it can take one hour of driving with that music on to make it a lot worse.

When I was a teenager, I dealt with very severe depression. I now realize how powerful the music I listened to was in worsening the depression. All of the grunge rock and alternative that I thought was comforting me and understanding me . was engraving the depression deeper. I cut it all off and switched to other types of music still in the rock realm, and that made a very big difference. More happy rock. Over time I learned what made me feel better and worse and learned my body signals. If I started feeling tired, nauseous, discouraged, or drained from a song, or even confused, I knew it wasn't what I needed to be listening to.

I also threw out my TV. Some tv shows and movies effected me more than most other people, because I am sensitive. I still don't watch TV, and if I do, it's very rare and only when other people are watching it. A little bit is ok for me, but nothing that upsets me.

I don't think you have to have too thick skin here. I think you just have to know what you can handle and what you can't handle, what your gifts are, and be willing to know you're fine when others don't. The best way to do that is to cut off anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself in ANY WAY. Those people you can't change, and you won't change. I can't say all of this will get rid of how you feel, but it has significantly changed how I view the world, which is a good start to healing. Negative influences can weigh you down and hold you back from your happiness.

Now I am just telling you what I did, but I still think going to a doctor is ok. A lot of people deal with depression and anxiety and you'd have no idea.

Depression is just not enough dopamine or seratonin in the brain. There is no chemical for sadness, so sadness is sort of the feeling you get when there's not "enough" of D&S. Your problem may come because simply your physiology is not balanced. That thing that happens every month might be the cause of it and I don't know if there is a remedy for that.  

Your problem may come from your take or philosophy on life. Everyone has been through depression, except the occasional idiot. There's also another type of person who's almost immune to depression and its Stoic people. Read and research on Stoicism. When you are depressed because of your take on life, its usually because you care or think too much. Stoicism helps you with this in a way that isn't cold turkey forcing yourself and instead provides you logic and reasoning of why you shouldn't care or think so much about the things that make you sad.

It might come from loneliness. If this is the case just go out and meet ordinary people lol. My take on loneliness is if you are not happy being alone with yourself, you are doing life wrong. You need to be happy being by yourself before you can be happy with others.  

Money is more useful than you think lol. Use it to buy time instead of stuff and travel once in a while. Travel isn't a luxury, you can get great deals like Bali or Thailand or Hoch or Saigon. Those cities are cheap and filled with English speaking expats and tourists. You can live like a king there on dollars a day. I'm talking about blue oceans, great food, nice beaches. Many providers go backpacking.  

In the end life on default is absurd, its meaningless. The pessimist sees this as something depressing. The optimist sees this as opportunity to create meaning out of life and thus we get society, families, art, literature... cool things!

I started seeing a therapist, tried medications, made a lot of life changes like going on a medical leave or picking up new hobbies. Interestingly enough, I feel that the turning point was when I started working in the industry. I started feeling motivated to get out of bed, I had fun with my work, I got paid to do something I love. I needed to gain control of my life and feel fulfilled, and I found that in my work. I stopped taking antidepressants right as I started this line of work and haven't picked them up since, but I know a lot of people for whom they work well and I found them to be an okay aid in the beginning.

It took time; it wasn't a perfect journey. My first therapist later revealed herself to be very judgmental and I switched over to one who has been a wonderful source of positive energy and support. I tried quite a few different medications but none of them made me feel good the way that making better life choices have. I've gotten to a point where I'm much more happy and healthy. My clients lately have been wonderful and very sweet, and I will certainly try to only see people who make me feel good about myself. In that way the industry has helped me become more confident and comfortable.

I guess those "who know me" here know

or might notice my depression. Mostly back in the days of old L.A. TER days.
I blame me unluckiness with the opposite sex and jobs, careers and stuff.  
I think it must be depression or anxiety or something. i don't know I've never seen a doctor. Even though I worked for a health insurance co. for 10 years. At the time at thought I had made it and I was OK. But after 2008 I feel something is not ok.  

But it's OK. Like somebody said. I know it could be worse. I know it is worse somewhere else for somebody else.
I could be back some where else, way back them, some when.

I really don't want to see know doctor. I enjoy my my inside anger, my rage, my war. It makes me stronger and feel alive,
Mostly thru music. I love to feel rebellious and do stuff and participate in stuff like the hobby. I know I'm very smart. Otherwise if i had a weaker mind I would have done stupid negative stuff. But I never did nor will do. I just wish my smartness would have translated into earning a little bit more money. But I failed at that.

Just leave me alone. Like bees, don't mess with me and I won't mess with you. I'm really nice like anybody would tell you and a real gentlemen with the ladies. My problems are my problems. I take it on my own like by grinding my teeth at night. But wearing a night guard.

Woo hoo let's party. Have fun people. Use your anger in a positive way. We're only here for a little while.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB_tGab-t0

I agree with many here that suggested that you seek professional help.  We all suffer from depression from time to time.  Know that you are not alone and take comfort in the fact there are people in the world that can help.  Asking for some help when you need it is never anything to be ashamed of.

Some things that may be of benefit that you can try...

1) Exercise.  Walking, jogging, working out, etc.  Stress can trigger the body's fight or flight mechanism and exercise is a way to burn off that negative energy.  Also seeing positive changes in your outward appearance can promote inner positive change as well.

2) Take up yoga and meditation.  It's soothing and good for your mind and body.  Just dedicating some time to connecting your mind and spirit is beneficial.

3) Learn something.  The mind can turn on itself when it is bored, under utilized, or frustrated.  Take up a new language.  Pick up a brush and paint something.  Find a cooking class and take it.  Finding different ways to express yourself can help.  Give your brain something constructive it can do.

4) Help others.  I believe in helping others we help ourselves.  Seeing someone else's problems can help us put our own lives into perspective.  Helping someone else that is mentally or financially challenged can benefit you both.  Plus, there is this thing called Karma that I am a big believer in.

5) Limit outside media.  Every time you turn on the tv, check the internet, or open a magazine you are bombarded by negative images, energy, and stereotypes.  The media would have us believe that the world is coming to an end but if we just buy whatever product they happen to be selling it will make us happy, healthy, productive citizens.  Their job is to create a problem and then sell you a solution to that problem.  That's how they want it.  

Not that there aren't problems in the world, but you have to work on yourself first right now.  Tackle something you can actually do something about (see number 4).  But turn off all that negative energy and pick up a good book instead.

6) Travel.  Sometimes just looking at the same landscape every day can get boring, which can lead to depression.  Mix it up.  Get a new perspective - literally.  Breaking out of the same routine can be a big help.  Meet new people.  And put that new language you learned in number 3 to good use.    Have fun.

I wish you the very best.  Don't give up.  Things can and do get better

do not try to drown it in recreational drugs, alcohol, or sex. No matter how hard, find the energy to seek counseling and appropriate medication.

I met a lady who, as you described in your post, gave a great session. Something in her drew out affection from me. She sensed that. When we had finished "business" she burst into tears and poured out her heart. She said she was so riddled with depression that she was virtually paralyzed. We spent about an hour off the clock just talking. She apologized profusely for taking up my time, while all I cared about was the hurting human being before me. She clearly was very bright and had wonderful ambitions in life outside of the hobby. Yet she was not sure how her health insurance worked or how to go about finding mental health. She perceived the process of contacting her insurer or doctors as overwhelming. Everything was overwhelming. She had stopped functioning in her outside interests. She wasn't sure she had the will power to take care of routine matters in her life. We got to the point where I helped her make a simple list of things to do to get help. I urged her to take one step in front of another and do what was on the list.  Specifically, I urged her to call her health insurer as soon as I left and she said she would. Several months later I read that she had died, apparently from an overdose. This haunts me; what more, if anything, should I have done? Should I have inserted myself into her life and become a crutch? Maybe. I don't know the answer, but if there is a moral it is that you yourself must take control of your life and push through depression to seek help.  

Best wishes to you. You are much more deserving of love than you feel entitled to right now. You are not alone and there are ways to get help, there are professionals who can offer help, and there are people like you who have benefited greatly from being helped. Start by helping yourself.  xoxox

Not sure if that makes it an addiction or what.

I sure like the medication, in any case.

I know several people near and dear to me, and anti-depressants seem to keep their depression in check

Have you traveled much? Particularly outside of the U.S., away from resorts and for a somewhat extended duration of time (at least a week) so that you can experience the different ways that people around the world live? There are so many wonders of the world to experience and it's not the same as watching a travel show - you have to be there!

A change of pace can work wonders. Our senses are at their most heightened when engaged with new experiences.

I do think there are some people that are clinically depressed but I think most people "suffering" from depression can blame society, media, environment, etc. We sit here and have people who are depressed and get so upset by the littlest shit. I told my SO the other day we're watching people on the news who walked 30 miles to get to Germany from the terrors in their country and here I am bitching and crying cause my AC stopped working in my house.  

I see people so "depressed" about their situations that can be fixed, they just don't want to put in the work to fix it. So many people are so weak sometimes, myself included. I'll complain about stuff going wrong in my life and throw myself a day, week, or month pity party, yet I'm the one who keeps the issue going.  

I remember in college we discussed a study that was done with 100s of people who were suffering from depression, half were given an actual depression medication and the other half were given a placebo. At least 70 percent of the patients that were treated with the placebo were magically treated and felt so much better, all over this sugar pill.  

I get that we go through rough times, but give me a break. I see people complain about their job, life, SO, school, money, yet they do nothing to fix it. We are spoiled by all the basics we have, that others are running and fleeing to get, yet, more often than not, we are the reason, we are in the situation that we are suffering from, yet we do nothing to fix it. We justify doing the same thing, living the same life, take medication and blame depression.  

It's not even just depression anymore, everyone has something now a days. A fucking gluten allergy (WTF?), Add, Adhd, ODD, anything to excuse or make a buck off of. There are no "bad ass kids" anymore, there's little Timmy that has ADHD. There's no "spoiled ass teenagers' anymore it's teens suffering from Oppositional Defiant Disorder. You get bloated after eating wheat ? OMG you must be suffering from a gluten allergy.  

Pfft, I know I'll get shit and please OP I am not saying that you are not suffering from depression. I'm just stating my opinion regarding the entire "depression dilemma" as a whole.

Were you aware that today is world suicide prevention day?

What a day to make this post!

Depression is now something from my past. Is it something that if you truly work on, it can be a thing of your past too.

I would love to say what worked for me, but that is my story and may not work for another.  

Depression usually isn't cured (masked can often be confused with cured) by money and superficial compliments. They can both help.. You need money to eat well and to have a place to sleep well. Compliments can definitely give that boost, but depending who they come from they can be of minimal long lasting effect or they can be of life changing effect..

I hope anyone suffering from depression is currently seeking help and if not, start today.

If you can't afford therapy, try group activities.
If you don't have the time, try deleting Facebook.

Depression is a nasty disease, but it is a curable disease.

Find your freedom from it and enjoy the rest of your life depression free!

x

Depression can be hereditary. My mother and every one of her children suffered from it.

There's situational depression. For example, being depressed after getting a divorce. What you might call "the blues".  

There's the chemical imbalance in the brain, which is the most common hereditary type of depression.

There's non-chemical but chronic depression that people have for years or even all their lives.

As has already been said in other posts, see a professional. Be careful about who you choose to go with, as there's a ton of quacks in the psychiatric business.  

Don't just let your family doctor prescribe medication. He's giving you whatever it is the hot pharmaceutical saleswoman who just blew him is selling. Get medication from whichever psychiatrist you select.

Ignore the people who say it's nothing that can't be fixed by going to the gym or taking up whatever hobby it is they're involved in. Depression is very real. The worst thing about it is the years of your life you can't get back, having suffered with it when you could have been treated and enjoyed those years fully. I know whereof I speak.

You can tell from the sincerity of many replies that you have to take depression seriously, it can affect anyone in any walk of life, and those who responded care about you even though we have never met you and probably never will.  That might help, if guilt is part of your emotional makeup.  I've met a number of people who suffered from serious depression, a couple of them suicidal, in and out of the hobby, and each case is different, so do due diligence and find a really good therapist.  Your posts offer some optimism -- they seem aware, intelligent, and open to working on your situation.  
The most shocking case I know is of a well known therapist in my city who had a terrific reputation for helping mostly anorexic and/or bulimic girls.  She was wise and wonderful and everyone was shocked when one day she herself committed suicide.  Another case was a provider friend who told me she was close to suicide several times, causes unknown, at least to me.  I asked her if she liked her work, and she said, "If I have a good customer, I can really enjoy it," so the cause was not the hobby which indeed provided a good income for her and her dependent.  You CAN deal with depression, but you have to get the right therapy and all the rest, starting right away.

the HBMA poster above, but thought it was good info for everyone involved in this thread!

Have you tried probiotics? 95 percent of the body's serotonin is found in the gut. There's loads of research out there on how diet can affect depression. Hippocrates said, "Let food be thy medicine."

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-second-brain/

http://www.caltech.edu/news/microbes-help-produce-serotonin-gut-46495

http://www.livescience.com/49248-gut-bacteria-mental-health.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3601973/

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/06/20/gut-brain-connection.aspx

I understand your pain...

we have something in common. We're a member of a club no one wants to be a member of. The first time I saw your alias I knew. I hope to see you on the PO board soon. In the mean time I'll check on you from time to time. And contact me anytime you want to talk.

Take care my fellow floxie!

Steph xoxo

I'm there with you. Major Depression is something I have fought for 20 years now, and in my case it's not going away; it is something to be treated and managed. I've had enough episodes, and of such severity, that I will be taking an antidepressant for the rest of my life (Celexa at the moment).

In your situation, there are really two issues in play: First, is the depression you experience situational, i.e. - is it tied to your profession and the emotional toll it may be taking? Or, is this a more pervasive condition? Regardless of the etiology, the first step (insert thousand-miles cliche' here!) is to see a professional; definitely an MD, and preferably a psychiatrist since the latter will be capable of what we call "differential diagnosis" -- determining if it's depression or something else entirely. An area they would want to know is if there is a history of depression in your family. Of all the mental health conditions, the one with the highest factor loading for genetics is -- you guessed it -- depression. My own mother was severely depressed her entire life, and eventually committed suicide.

The good news is this, though: depression is very, very treatable, and I am living proof. So please, reach out to a qualified professional and get their assessment and assistance. You've also received some excellent feedback in other replies here, too. Let us know how you're doing, and PM me if you want and I can offer what what few insights I may be able to provide.

Be well!

This is the best thread! It is awesome that you can bring this p. It helps me to remember that depression is natural for artists...and I consider providers artists in creating sensual experiences. Everyday, you have to create something out of nothing, recapture magic and impart it to other people, in the most intimate way possible. This is no easy task. I imagine that you, like  
most providers, are good at using somatic awareness (body awareness and intuition) in your work. And that can be a technique to turn the attention back to you and use your own sensual energy to hold you and even lift you through depression. in sex school, we talked a lot about ways to masturbate with and for depression. Also, myself and a colleague are creating a national directory and phone support group of counselors who are also providers and can give support to these issues. I can keep you posted about this, if you want. I always think, for myself, that since I am so close to beauty and pleasure all the time (the work and the passion of the provider0 then it is also a quite natural part of the balance to be really aquainted with sorrow or a sense of flow.

You forget...!

And London! I still want to bury my fucking dick in you!....