You didn't provide much info in your post, and I haven't seen any of your previous posts on this subject, but you do indicate you're married. It's very possible you're experiencing unconscious quilt feelings about seeing a provider. Nothing kills an erection quicker.
Since 45% of the survey respondents who are in a relationship say they feel either quite a bit, or at least some guilt, it's very possible you fall into that group.
After I separated from my wife I had similar problems. I'd only been with one woman for 15 years and it took me a while to give myself permission to have sex with another woman. While I was working through those feelings, I experienced similar disappointing performance problems as you described.
Over the years, a lot of guys have concluded this activity just isn't for them. There's nothing wrong with that if you decide you're one of them.
I've posted in the past about my performance problems. You've advised me to lay off masturbation, etc. and I've had varying success doing that. I just wanted to keep you abreast of the small incremental steps that I've taken. First of all, besides my wife, I'm trying to stick with one provider. The last 2 times that I've seen her, she was able to get me hard, one time by hand, and the other time by her mouth.
The last time, after getting me hard with her mouth, she actually had a condom ready and was thinking of using it! I was happy that I actually got to that point, but it also freaked me out. Once I get hard, I become distracted from the pleasure and think about the state of being hard and then I lose my erection, as usual.
I need to find a way to keep my mind on the pleasure and stop this cycle of failure! I hate hearing, "I would really like to have you fuck me." I feel like the only guy on the planet whose reaction to those words is anxiety.
Dear infomike,
Yes, your mind is playing big tricks on you...this by no means unusual, but that probably doesn't help you in the moment. All I can say is that since you are aware of the issue, you will need to practice some breathing exercises. Self-hypnosis is also good. If this seems difficult, I would get with a hypnotherapist a day or so before having sex. I have attached a link for you, so you can check out your area of the country. Hypnotherapy is EXCELLENT for these issues.
Otherwise, there are zillions of relaxation tapes out there, books on how to relax, etc. But I feel that hypnotherapy cuts right to the core. Another way to go would be to visit w/ a Tantra practitioner. They take things slow and if they are good, they'll put you in a very anxiety-reducing state. Can't recommend a specific one, but check the reviews, websites, etc.
Take ten,
the Love Goddess
Thanks, LG. Interesting response. I thought that maybe it was a relaxation issue, too, about 10 years ago. I bought a self hypnosis tape and practiced quite a bit. A sex therapist that I was seeing at the time also tried hypnosis. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to have much effect.
I have to admit that I don't feel that I need to relax during sex. There aren't any outward signs of anxiety, but who knows, right?
You didn't provide much info in your post, and I haven't seen any of your previous posts on this subject, but you do indicate you're married. It's very possible you're experiencing unconscious quilt feelings about seeing a provider. Nothing kills an erection quicker.
Since 45% of the survey respondents who are in a relationship say they feel either quite a bit, or at least some guilt, it's very possible you fall into that group.
After I separated from my wife I had similar problems. I'd only been with one woman for 15 years and it took me a while to give myself permission to have sex with another woman. While I was working through those feelings, I experienced similar disappointing performance problems as you described.
Over the years, a lot of guys have concluded this activity just isn't for them. There's nothing wrong with that if you decide you're one of them.
Yes, I am married and really feel no intellectual guilt at all, but your theory on subconcious guilt is an interesting one. And if that's true, how do you get rid of that kind of guilt?
One thing that I need to point out is that I've struggled with ED all my life. Even with my wife, there was no reaction when she first touched my cock when we were dating. It took several weeks AFTER the marriage before I was even hard enough to penetrate her vagina.
I'm not qualified to give you a professional answer, but I did have a long-term relationship with a sex therapist who worked with men with your type of condition. I'm assuming you've already ruled out any physical problems/conditions which might be a factor, because that aspect shouldn't be overlooked either.
Since you mentioned you'd seen a sex therapist, you may feel you've already exhausted that avenue of treatment. But you may wish to find a therapist that works in conjunction with a surrogate partner because it sounds like you may have issues to resolve that could benefit from that sort of treatment.
Surrogate partners are trained to work in conjunction with a sex therapist in a course of treatment that combines discussion/analysis with hands-on exercises performed with the surrogate. Surrogates aren't available in all states, but they're legal in California (my state of residence). Some people travel here from out of state to receive this sort of therapy if they're not available where they live.
And while I know the subject of surrogates has been discussed on this board, they are there as partners in your treatment, not as escorts. So if you want an escort, see an escort. Because while the time you spend with the surrogate may be enjoyable, it's not intended to be entertainment. Everything you do with a surrogate has a purpose and works as part of an overall plan prescribed by the sex therapist.
There are so many possible causes for sexual problems that you really need good professional help so you don't get even more frustrated. Since I'm not professionally trained, my comments are meant to offer support only, so I defer to Love Goddess's previous advice to you.
As for your question about my situation, it resolved itself over the course of several more dates with her. I was very fortunate this woman gave me a second chance because I was totally unable to perform the first time we tried to have sex- and this was after I put on a world-class seduction, if I do say so myself. Needless to say, it was quite embarrassing.
It turned out we had a wonderful, three year relationship with the most passionate and fulfilling sex I'd ever experienced. But it almost didn't survive the first date or two, and I know it was because I felt guilty over being with her, despite the fact that I found her extremely attractive and she was as warm and receptive as a woman could be.
Sex isn't always as automatic as we'd like it to be. But problems are rarely discussed so it's easy to think you're the only one that has experienced difficulties. This is where the right professional can help because they have seen it all before. I will say, however, that I think you need to find someone that specializes in the treatment of sex-related problems, not just a generalist who is willing to see you. There aren't really that many of them out there, but they do exist. And if they don't exist in your location you might consider taking some vacation time and doing what they call an "intensive."
An intensive is a one-week therapy treatment that has one or two sessions every day for a week. It's not ideal, but if your area lacks specialists, it may be your only option.
Dear G2,
Your suggestion is very nice - as long as it is understood that when a client is married or in a relationship with a SO, BOTH parties become clients of the sex surrogate. In general, when there is a couple, the COUPLE becomes the client in sex therapy, not just the individual male. If the poster were to visit with a sex therapist, he surely would have to bring his wife/SO along, and both of them would receive training in how to help him [and the SO, consequently] along in their sex life.
Thank you,
the Love Goddess
You're right, of course. It slipped my mind that he would be treated as part of a couple.
I got the impression he had previously worked with a sex therapist as an individual, and guess I made the assumption that his wife didn't share his interest in pursuing treatment. Especially since he didn't mention her as his prime motivation for seeking help. As you know, some wives are happy not to have sex, sad as it may seem to us.
I should probably stay out of these discussions in the first place, since I probably know just enough to get into trouble. After all, that's the benefit of having an expert moderating the board, so it's not like it was years ago when I posted so much simply because otherwise it tended to be the blind leading the blind.
I keep getting pulled back into posting because I just can't help but empathize with anybody going through something like this and feel strongly that everybody is capable of enjoying sex, though sometimes it takes some effort.
OK, off I go back into retirement. Good sex everybody!
-- Modified on 2/28/2008 5:22:32 PM
Thank you, G2 for your comments and attempt to help. Please don't feel that it not helpful, even if you didn't consider all aspects. You shouldn't retire from these thoughtful posts.
Yes, I am married and I tried seeing a sex therapist both with my wife and without. My wife is interested in sex, but I wanted to also be healthy enough to have sex with any woman of my choice. Besides, even sex with my wife is a challenge to me. Physical causes for ED have been eliminated because I have very good, long lasting erections when I am not in the presence of a woman.
I have to admit that the idea of a surrogate is very appealing, but I live in Philadelphia. My research has revealed that surrogates are mainly based in L.A. and NY. My wife would question the HUGH expense of not only the travel costs, but the fees of surrogate treatment, which I understand are exorbitant. If I were guaranteed a good result, I may bite, but after hundreds of dollars spent on therapists with limited or no result, you can understand my aversion to a possible fortune being blown for nothing.
Does anyone realize the lack of confidence that a young man has when he knows he probably can't fuck? I'm happy my wife married me, without knowing whether I could have sex with her. I suspected it would be a problem, but fortunately our religion was a convenient excuse to avoid sex before marriage. So, I could never leave her, even if I wanted to, because as you found out, G2, how many women would accept a man who can't fuck?