Dear cwhitelace,

Welcome to our little board! Your question is an interesting one which surely merits some discussion. In your posting, you state "I know he desires me and is turned on by me, in addition to us having a positive sex life together." And yet, you believe that his masturbational frequency interferes with your mutual sexual frequency.

Here's a suggestion: Instead of telling him how you feel rejected and undesirable, how about offering him an exchange of sexual play [intercourse, blowjob, whatever it is] instead of him masturbating to porn sites? The reason why I am suggesting this, is simply based on your previous statement - that your sex life is positive. If it's positive, then I'm sure he "loses it" when you tell him that you feel "rejected and undesirable." Because that signals to him that he is doing something wrong - to you - and that he needs to change his sexual behavior. And he will feel completely powerless, since in his mind - and yours, apparently - you have a GOOD sexlife.

Now, if he says that he doesn't want to exchange the masturbationary episodes for sex with a real woman, the next step is asking him what's so different about jacking off to a screen, as opposed to fondling a real babe [i.e. you.] If the answer is that he believes that you don't want to have sex as much as he does, then it's surely a frequency issue, and that obviously needs to get worked out. Basically, if you can't muster the same desire for nookie as he does [and few females are matched with males in that regard,] then you'll have to allow him to get his rocks off somehow.

If it is an issue of his needing variety, then I suppose it's easier on you if he masturbates than if he spends extra money on escorts. This may seem harsh, but some men have extraordinary sex drives and they literally need to ejaculate daily. I believe this world would be a much happier place if we all just admitted it and didn't make such a big deal about it. And, if his libido is so high, then it's just useless to try to change it. All you'll get is a cranky, irritated guy and then possibly a lying, cheating guy. Best let him be then, and try to understand that we are all biologically different in this regard. In my practice, I have found that this is one of the most difficult issues for women to understand, and also for some men. Differing libido based on gender, situations, etc.

Now, if your husband is masturbating as an escape and it reaches a compulsive behavioral level, then this is something else altogether. The masturbation can hide a much deeper problem. Oftentimes, men engage in compulsive sexual behaviors to avoid depression, money issues, unemployment, problems at work, relationships gone wrong, etc. If this is the case, then you'll both need to visit a therapist who can help get to the bottom of this issue.

The most important thing is that when you try to find out WHY the masturbation in lieu of sex, blaming, telling someone that you feel undesirable, etc. is not going to help. Remember that you want to FIND OUT information, not give information at that point. This is also very difficult when a couple engages in discussion - avoiding becoming reactive is hard when you feel like the pits. And, if you feel that you can't play objective detective, then get a couples therapist to do the job for you.

Hope that helped,
the Love Goddess

ohhh male masturbation... I was just thinking about this topic...May I pitch in?

I can relate to cwhitelace, as I have a boyfriend who LOVES to masturbate.

I don't think you should feel rejected and undesirable.

The fact he masturbates to porn site flicks has NOTHING to do with you, your sex life or the sexual appeal you have on him.

Is very normal (and sane) for a man to masturbate, he needs to ejaculate, to get his semen out and sex is not always what they want or need.

Men are VISUAL creatures, they enjoy to watch a sexual flick while they are stroking themselves ---- they are not fantasizing about the women on these porn movies, but using whatever is going on to get them aroused and ejaculate.

Once you understand that this is every male need --- all guys masturbate a LOT --- the next step is for you to "participate" in his fantasy.

Here is what I do...with my boyfriend.

As I mentioned before, he LOVES to masturbate so I started to feed his fantasy and participate.

During the day, I text him with hot & naughty messages, telling what I want to do when he gets home.

He text me back, telling me what he is fantasizing about, what he wants me to do to him.

He watches porn, like any other men (including yours) --- and, when I know he is on his computer doing it, I text him asking what he is doing, if he is playing with himself.

He will tell me "yes" and I start to ask what he wants to do with me ---- which is what he is watching at the moment.

If he is seeing a flick where the woman is being fucked by two guys, he tells me he wants to see me blow him and another cock --- I will play along and feed his fantasy telling him how much I want to do him and a big juicy cock and have his cum all over me.

If he is watching a guy with two women, he will say he want to be with me and another girl --- I will play along and feed his fantasy telling him how hot, wet and turned on I am and how much I would cum if he masturbate watching me play with another girl.

Even if what he is watching is not your cup of tea or is an act you can't care less for it, play along, make him think you would do it for HIM. Keep him on the edge.

Let me tell you girl --- if instead of being frustrated and upset with what he is doing, YOU understand, accept and participate with him, his desire for you will grow a LOT and your sex life will be way way better than it is right now.

Men are ruled by their dicks and a smart woman would use that to her advantage ---- I know how much control I have over my boyfriend's sexual desires and feeding the fantasies is such a  powerful thing that he can't get enough of me.

He masturbates 3 or 4 times a day and I don't care --- I am part of it, if not physically, I am in his mind and I look at it as part of our foreplay.

When we fuck, sometimes we relive what he was fantasizing about, sometimes we just keep talking about while we are having sex and his orgasms (and mine) are unbelievable.

Be part of it, you will not regret it

BDG










-- Modified on 2/20/2008 1:02:55 PM

Thanks everyone for your feedback, certainly makes sense. Working with my insecurities is most definitely the issue. And appreciated the suggestion of appealing to his fantasies.
I look forward to more feedback and getting me on the right track.
Thanks

Sometimes guys just want to get off- no talking, no emotional involvement, no foreplay, no worrying at all about the 'other party'. As long as you're happy with the frequency of sex in your relationship, his masturbating doesn't seem problematic. If there are times that you'd rather he be having sex with you but he's otherwise engaged, then I think LG's and BDG's advice is very good.

Have you offered to do something like a HJ while he's watching porn? That may be the 'in' that could break a cycle.

It's a common misconception that being married provides a safe and secure place to practice sex and explore your sexuality.  For the majority of people, nothing could be further from the truth.  And the reason might be counter-intuitive, because it's the importance of the relationship itself and the need to protect it that makes it a barrier to free expression.

We all know we act differently depending on the group we're in.  If you don't think so, just imagine how you act with your same-sex friends as compared to your opposite sex friends.  And most of us guys, at least, have many friends that act like a totally different person the minute their wives are around- sometimes to a rather shocking degree.

Very few people are lucky enough to always be themselves around their spouse.  For most people, marriage is an exercise in compromising and meeting in the middle.  Sometimes this is a fairly easy or natural thing, but most times it's more difficult depending on the personalities of the people involved.  In many relationships, this middle ground becomes a sort of a no-man's land, where neither party is really were they want to be, yet, that's where they end up in order to exist in the relationship.  

Nowhere is this meeting in the middle more obvious than in bed.  Not only do we frequently differ greatly in the quantity of sex we want, but also in the quality, or type, of sexual relations we prefer.  I think it's safe to state that most women get exactly the quantity of sex they want, at least until they've broken their husband's spirit (usually by their 40's, LOL) and he loses interest in them.  But that's another discussion.

And the reason they get as much as they want is that men are "always on," genetically programmed to always be at the ready to participate in the biological imperative to reproduce.  And for good reason- can you imagine how endangered our species would be if both male and female cycles had to be in synch?   We'd be as endangered as all the species in the zoo that now have breeding programs.  Plus, could any relationship survive two episodes of PMS every month?  The mind boggles.

But men in relationships pay a high price for their "always-on" sex drive, because most of the time they're not utilized and this leads to frustration- frustration that is most easily relieved through masturbation, as other posters have stated.  

For obvious reasons also relating to reproduction, women act as the gate-keepers, deciding for BOTH partners if they're going to have sex or not.  Even as birth control has made this bit of genetic pre-disposition toward limiting/regulating sex obsolete, women still select the time, place and type of sex they want and any guy who thinks otherwise just doesn't have much experience in the matter.

Now I'm sure some wives indulge their husbands now and then and have sex when they don't really feel like it, but for the most part, it works the other way around.  Men sublimate a HUGE part of their sex drive for the sole purpose of getting along with their wives and preserving the harmony of the relationship. Few people are lucky enough to have a spouse with a similar sex drive, and going to bed staring at your woman's back is an all too familiar experience for most men.  

But getting back to the balancing act of a relationship and the need to keep harmony.  Most married people migrate to the middle of the sexual spectrum in order to stay in the "safe" zone, sexually speaking.  As a result, they end up settling for plain, vanilla sex.  There are exceptions, of course, but most married men would never ask their wives to do the very things they're looking for on this site, or fantasizing about while surfing the internet.   The problem is, in their efforts to be non-controversial and continue to be accepted in the relationship, most men tend to settle for boring, predictable sex with their spouse.

While far from ideal, masturbation does allow a healthy outlet for those who aren't getting what they want out of their sexual relationship, and don't have a way to improve upon their situation.  Men will typically fantasize during masturbation about dozens of activities they find stimulating, but wouldn't dream of discussing with their wives.  Maybe they fear rejection, or maybe they fear hearing about it every time they have an argument over the next 15 years.  Or, worst case scenario, maybe they don't want to risk reading about it in court documents when the wife decides to divorce file for divorce and hires Gloria Bitchwell to do the deed.  Not only does this happen, but we read about it all the time in celebrity divorces.  

Even good communication in a marriage can't offset the fact that one person's deepest fantasies might be perceived as perverted, or even repulsive, to the other person.  And you can't un-ring that bell, as the expression goes.  Every shared intimacy in a relationship involves risk, so the stakes are much higher than they are during causal dating where you can just go your separate ways without any long-term consequences.

Just as masturbation satisfies the male quantity requirement, it can also satisfy the desire to explore different aspects of sexuality in a non-threatening, non-judgmental manner- similar to seeing escorts.  Perhaps these are private fantasies that a husband doesn't even want to share with his wife, yet he finds them stimulating for some reason (few of us ever really know why something turns us on).   For example, he may find the idea of S&M to be exciting, but have no real desire to ever do it with his wife.  But it doesn't have to be some deep, dark secret.  It may just be a preference for redheads or garter belts that fuels his fantasy in his private moments, making them little more than harmless indulgences.  

I was married for 12 years and have been divorced for nearly  twice that period.  This has given me the opportunity to be in a lot of relationships- most of them very satisfying.   But it has also convinced me that true sexual compatibility is extremely rare, and sadly, many people never achieve it in their primary relationship.

Sexual compromise, on the other hand, is much more common, and a subject most married men on this board probably know well.  Masturbation plays a key role in allowing us to satisfy our extremely complex sexuality, and except for the caveats LG mentioned, probably provides a healthy outlet in most cases.  At a minimum,  it lets many men function within the framework of compromise that is inherent in all relationships.  




-- Modified on 2/26/2008 1:11:18 AM