So apparently you are thinking the third option--an open marriage--is the way you're going to go. The first question that comes to mind: Is that the option you really want? Or is it that continuing on together in the marriage is so much easier than splitting up OR giving up the other woman? That's something to think about. To me, for all the reasons it seems easier would be the reasons I'd eventually come to resent the life you've cut out.
What will happen when/if you have a parting of the way with your girlfriend? When she moves on or when you simply grow away from her, get tired of her, find someone else who seems more interesting, whatever? I don't think I'm going too far out on limb by suggesting that you are still growing, still evolving, and that you might soon find the affair just as burdensome as the marriage. For that matter, how will you feel when your SO or wife winds up giving you lovelorn advice about how to deal with feelings of rejection or unhappiness with the other woman? Will you feel good turning to her for solace? Will you feel foolish when she just shakes her head and walks away? Do you really want her in your life while this new affair runs its course? Personally, I wouldn't. But your relationship(s) might be unique. And will your girlfriend coax you to make a clean break and concentrate on her? And if she doesn't, what feelings will it provoke in you that she doesn't want to take the relationship to that level? Too bad we can't un-stir the cream in the coffee and start over.Some of you might remember my post from a couple of months ago anguishing over the fact that I had fallen into somewhat of an affair with a girl I met in a hobby situation.
Well..as everyone predicted, my luck finally ran out. My wife had been closing in for the kill over the past few days and last night she finished me off....confronted me and said she knew what I was doing. It turns out she had discovered enough evidence to conclude that I saw a provider occasionally. She didn't know about the affair, but I confessed to all.
So here's the twist and I swear this is all true...no embellishment whatsoever. After she had an initial short meltdown and stormed out of the restaurant we were having dinner at, I met her back at home where she was sitting calmly in her living room chair. She said there were three possible ways we could go from here...we could split up, we could work on our marriage...OR we could agree that it was OK to see other people, stay married, and work on our marriage as we go.
It's probably obvious to all without me actually stating this, but things haven't been good in the bedroom for us for a looong time. She wants to (and deserves to) see other people if I do. So we are going for option number three.
Today, we had an amazing day. We both said it felt like a tremendous burden had been lifted off our shoulders. We went for a drive, visited a couple of wineries and got along like old friends, We talked about all our secret lusts and sexual desires. She knows more about my "side girl" and I know that she has seen someone on the side already also (no real surprise there) I am in shock and awe. Can this really work? Felt pretty good today....
So, anyone with experience here...Am I (are we) setting up for more traps and pitfalls. Right now I am giddy with the possibilities of having my cake and eating it too.
BTW, what did me in was my main laptop, the one set to automatically erase my browsing sessions, went on the blink and I had to use a backup laptop that wasn't set for automatic deletion. So yes, eventually something stupid will do you in if you are not very careful. But in my case...maybe a blessing in disguise.
I can say.
To fix a man? One must go out into the wilderness.
Then survive well. Chop wood. Eat whatever...
Shit fire!
Then you are a man
And if you're any kind of meep-meep, that hobby laptop could/should be either a) "disposable" (like a Chromebook--basically nothing but a web browser with a keyboard and touch pad; if you feel the pressure, just wipe the dam thing clean and start over--no trail) or:
b) Something too complicated for your wife/family to even touch (something that runs Linux).
Security through obscurity.
Don't get caught up on this cliche... If you want to keep your marriage, even with its new possibilities, it still takes work. If you get distracted by only eating the cake, you could wake up one day with no more cake and your marriage being over. Now for some, this might ultimately be what they want (to be freed from the marriage), but if you want to save the marriage it will still take negotiation, communication, and work...things that eating cake distracts us from attending to. I would recommend doing some research on open relationships and the various ways to navigate them. The Ethical Slut is an example of one book about this subject. BTW-I applaud you for being transparent, and confessing the affair when you didn't need to. Honesty and transparency are qualities that will help on this path.
Best of luck!
xoM
*no pms please
Well..as everyone predicted, my luck finally ran out. My wife had been closing in for the kill over the past few days and last night she finished me off....confronted me and said she knew what I was doing. It turns out she had discovered enough evidence to conclude that I saw a provider occasionally. She didn't know about the affair, but I confessed to all.
So here's the twist and I swear this is all true...no embellishment whatsoever. After she had an initial short meltdown and stormed out of the restaurant we were having dinner at, I met her back at home where she was sitting calmly in her living room chair. She said there were three possible ways we could go from here...we could split up, we could work on our marriage...OR we could agree that it was OK to see other people, stay married, and work on our marriage as we go.
It's probably obvious to all without me actually stating this, but things haven't been good in the bedroom for us for a looong time. She wants to (and deserves to) see other people if I do. So we are going for option number three.
Today, we had an amazing day. We both said it felt like a tremendous burden had been lifted off our shoulders. We went for a drive, visited a couple of wineries and got along like old friends, We talked about all our secret lusts and sexual desires. She knows more about my "side girl" and I know that she has seen someone on the side already also (no real surprise there) I am in shock and awe. Can this really work? Felt pretty good today....
So, anyone with experience here...Am I (are we) setting up for more traps and pitfalls. Right now I am giddy with the possibilities of having my cake and eating it too.
BTW, what did me in was my main laptop, the one set to automatically erase my browsing sessions, went on the blink and I had to use a backup laptop that wasn't set for automatic deletion. So yes, eventually something stupid will do you in if you are not very careful. But in my case...maybe a blessing in disguise.
plan for the worst. It's an old cliche, but it's a good one. Nobody can see into the future to tell you if this will work, and without access to your, or your wife's, inner thoughts and desires, nobody can make an educated prediction. If you both want this to work it will for as long as you both continue to want this to work. In the mean time, her extra-marital affairs are legal (I'm assuming), whereas yours aren't (assuming I understood you correctly). If things sour between you this gives her a lot of leverage over you.
But in general all sorts of relationships exist and work. You are not required to fit into a box; nor can another person's experience help you out with the future of yours.
All the best.
So apparently you are thinking the third option--an open marriage--is the way you're going to go. The first question that comes to mind: Is that the option you really want? Or is it that continuing on together in the marriage is so much easier than splitting up OR giving up the other woman? That's something to think about. To me, for all the reasons it seems easier would be the reasons I'd eventually come to resent the life you've cut out.
What will happen when/if you have a parting of the way with your girlfriend? When she moves on or when you simply grow away from her, get tired of her, find someone else who seems more interesting, whatever?
I don't think I'm going too far out on limb by suggesting that you are still growing, still evolving, and that you might soon find the affair just as burdensome as the marriage.
For that matter, how will you feel when your SO or wife winds up giving you lovelorn advice about how to deal with feelings of rejection or unhappiness with the other woman? Will you feel good turning to her for solace? Will you feel foolish when she just shakes her head and walks away? Do you really want her in your life while this new affair runs its course?
Personally, I wouldn't. But your relationship(s) might be unique.
And will your girlfriend coax you to make a clean break and concentrate on her? And if she doesn't, what feelings will it provoke in you that she doesn't want to take the relationship to that level?
Too bad we can't un-stir the cream in the coffee and start over.
and while I hesitate to rain on your parade, my halcyon days came to an abrupt and very distressing halt when divorce papers arrived.
So, here's hoping you beat the odds, and I would heed the advice of others to seriously work on your marriage. (My ex and I had very little simpatico at the end.) And also focus on ways to preserve your assets should the worst occur. (If you have a very trusted friend to whom you can shift assets surreptitiously, that would be a very good thing.)
To quote Sun Zu:
“Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Thus the expert in battle moves the enemy, and is not moved by him.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War
She has a guy on the side getting it for free. You have to pay women for it. She is at least two or three steps ahead of you. Lifestyle people(swingers) will tell you relationship problems is the worst reason to have sex with othe people, while remaining a couple. It rarely works in those circumstances.
I'm in a long term relationship and we hook up with other couples. It's a mutual decision and either can veto. I have seen the bad side of what you are talking about and it's not pretty. True open marriages rarely work.
70% of all divorce actions are initiated by the woman. Watch your assets. Good luck.
-- Modified on 3/15/2015 9:40:24 AM
Happened to me and my husband a year and a half ago, i was shattered, it has been a long hard road to get our marriage back to a good place, but it has been worth it in the long run, i am now in the hobby and we only see providers together, i have never wanted to cheat as he is all i want, and he has never done it again, i feel for both of you, i hope things work out , infidelity is NOT an easy thing to recover from, but with a lot of love,communication and understanding it can. good luck!!!
I was where your wife is sitting, except I never cheated and we were/are sexually active with each other, five years ago. I had to get over a great many insecurities. I had doubts and trust issues to work out. We loved each other but the lies were toxic.
I have some advice for you. First this will only work if their is clear rules set up. Do you tell the other about the others or not? What restrictions if any are there? Remember what it good goose is good for the gander and visa versa. Second you must be willing and able to forgive she cheated on you and she must do the same. You can't use her fucking others as a weapon ever and I mean ever. You both must be honest. This will test your trust of each other, so you must be honest with your feelings. You both are setting yourselves up for traps and pitfalls. This will not be a cake walk for you or your wife. But it can work, as I am living it.
Seriously even if this doesn't work long term consider yourself an extraordinarily lucky man. Those of us who are going through divorces salute you.
Just be aware that luck can also be a cruel mistress. The moment one of you or your paramours start developing feelings for the other things can get real complicated real fast.
-- Modified on 3/16/2015 8:47:45 AM
I am such a hopeless romantic. I love, love! That being said WOWS what a story! Your wife is very brave. I wonder if she is just trying to control the situation. Better to know and be in control of the situation. Also where does the line draw? At sex or at love?
Men and women are different in that women are much more emotional. So what if side lover falls In love with you and you want to leave wife? Or vice versa? I guess it's all in trust but she did catch you sneaking around. Seems she's changing her views not to please you and be open to change but to try to control and know everything (women need to know everything that's why she caught you in first place)
Make sure to constantly remind her of your love, her beauty, and never stop opening doors for her!
For me as a woman, and an escort when I fall in love, no one else does it for me. I could sure have an orgasm or something by another person, but love/like/have romantic Intetesr? Forget it. You have to make sure you and your wife have the same strength and resilience. If not it'll end messy. It really does that special type of people for that type of relationship. Can you commit to fuxking, and not getting feelings (didn't read your last post but I get feeling you were catching feelings for side girl) ? That's what your wife I think expects, and will do. Just Questions to answer to tourself 
Ps- men..don't get caught. It hurts our (I saw "our" because I am a woman after all) feelings way to much. There's no explaining you can do to make us feel better. A woman catching her man talking to another woman hurts, and makes her feel insecure, unwanted and probably gives her insecurities about her looks. Now I am in the know in terms of understanding men Have needs . I get it. See escorts, we don't cross the boundaries of "oh I love you, leave your wife for me" we're here when you want us and gone when you don't. Never have non-hooker side relationships. NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN (just get a divorce if that's the case) and NEVER GET CAUGHT. Women can check cell phone plans, even GPS coordinates through your gmail. We're natural detectives. I'm just saying be smart and don't put yourself In a position to cause pain to you and your wife. Never get sloppy ALWAYS erase phone records, get a disposable cell you paid for in cash if you need to. Create a fake email At the library on a computer she'll never see...
Just don't get caught Damn it! And if you can't afford to buy all the things to make sure your discreet, don't see hookers. Don't be the bastard that ruins a woman's life as she knows it and breaks her heart...DONT GET CAUGHT! And if you do, admit to it. Truth hurts once but a lie every time remembered. on my site I wrote "I offer how to be a better lover session" just as a way to kind of maybe use that as an excuse (which some guys really do need the help haha)
Sorry I wake up with a lot of thoughts. Thanks for letting me share my two cents. It's not wrong to have desires, prostitution has been around since Jesus. but it's wrong to hurt other people by not covering your trAcks. PLAY DISCREET BOYS!