TER General Board

Which one are you?
WickedBrut 27 Reviews 699 reads
posted

Gigi Engle wrote from the POV of the less sensitive partner in the pair bond. That you referred to an emotionally rough relationship, I'll infer that you are the one who was "sensitive" (I really don't like this use of that word), and the article grabbed your attention because your less...can we say demonstrative partner? moved on because s/he couldn't deal with the ebbs and tides of your emotional life.

Since you're a provider, I have to warn you that you've taken a risk here on the board by not specifying whether your partner was a client or someone you meet outside the hobby. A very vocal minority here will assume that it must have been a client, because they assume and either/or about being involved in P4P and living a life amongst civvies. Under this assumption, the attitude most often is that it's a bad idea or a demanding commitment to carry off such a relationship. They are also the same ones who have trouble imagining a both/and perspective unless it's a client cheating on his or her wife.

You aren't asking for advice, so in terms of what I thought about the article--it makes sense up to a point. I think most couples are more plastic. He might not be as emotionally involved as her when getting ready for her friend from work's wedding, and she might not be as emotional as him when he discovers his boat has been vandalized. And some have sort of an unspoken contract that when one person is falling apart the other has to be a nurturing pillar of strength and postpone any display of emotion until the partner going through his or her turmoil has calmed down.

In short, however demonstrative someone is or isn't, however logical or illogical, everyone does indeed have a rich emotional life.

Posted By: missariarocchi
To people like me.  
   
 Thoughts?

Gigi Engle wrote from the POV of the less sensitive partner in the pair bond. That you referred to an emotionally rough relationship, I'll infer that you are the one who was "sensitive" (I really don't like this use of that word), and the article grabbed your attention because your less...can we say demonstrative partner? moved on because s/he couldn't deal with the ebbs and tides of your emotional life.

Since you're a provider, I have to warn you that you've taken a risk here on the board by not specifying whether your partner was a client or someone you meet outside the hobby. A very vocal minority here will assume that it must have been a client, because they assume and either/or about being involved in P4P and living a life amongst civvies. Under this assumption, the attitude most often is that it's a bad idea or a demanding commitment to carry off such a relationship. They are also the same ones who have trouble imagining a both/and perspective unless it's a client cheating on his or her wife.

You aren't asking for advice, so in terms of what I thought about the article--it makes sense up to a point. I think most couples are more plastic. He might not be as emotionally involved as her when getting ready for her friend from work's wedding, and she might not be as emotional as him when he discovers his boat has been vandalized. And some have sort of an unspoken contract that when one person is falling apart the other has to be a nurturing pillar of strength and postpone any display of emotion until the partner going through his or her turmoil has calmed down.

In short, however demonstrative someone is or isn't, however logical or illogical, everyone does indeed have a rich emotional life.

Zangari685 reads

Posted By: WickedBrut
Which one are you? Engle wrote from the POV of the less sensitive partner in the pair bond...I'll infer that you are the one who was "sensitive"
 Ah no, I inferred just the opposite...that the Op was the "less emotional" in her last relationship.  I think that *most* providers (generalizing here) would need to be the less emotional in any relationship, given the nature of what they do.  In order to keep her sanity, a provider has to figure out a way to have a personal relationship while fucking anonymous clients.  That's not an easy thing--it requires an emotional reserve that cannot simply be turned off like a switch.  

 Think about the items in the article & how they'd relate to a provider.  Just for fun, let's pretend her bf doesn't know she's a provider:  

 Item #1:  She's not great at expressing emotion: Yep, she's reserved & keeps her emotions in check.  In P4P, it's a survival trait.    

 Item #2:  His parents think she's frigid:  oh yeah, she's a cool one.  She's definitely not the girl-next-door.  She's street-smart & there's something unsettling about her..like a cop, she's seen the worst in human nature.    

 Item #6:  She never backs down in a fight.  Damned right--another P4P survival trait..    

Item #11: She's never the first to send a text:  Of course not--she's bombarded with texts from horny men of all ages.  Texting is work-related, so she doesn't understand why her bf need that validation-by-text.  He needs to grow up.

Item #15:  She's banging her bf for free.  He should be happy and just STFU (lol).    

Now let's assume her bf does know she's a provider.  She wins points for honesty.  But given the fragile male ego, that doesn't solve any problems.  --z

Very good breakdown! You convinced me. You're probably right, and the BF ends up leaving because he can't tear down the wall between them and express himself fully and honestly emotionally. So...towards the end, they "realize" that they don't know each other because neither can let him-herself be known.

Who are you? M or F?

Zangari576 reads

Posted By: WickedBrut
Very good breakdown! You convinced me. You're probably right, and the BF ends up leaving because he can't tear down the wall between them and express himself fully and honestly emotionally.  
 When a guy is dating a provider, then it's easy to see how he gets frozen out.  If they're about the same age, then the provider knows *way more about sex and is more experienced & mature than her bf.  She's not going to engage in romantic drama like a silly girl.  She's way past that.  And if he gets emotionally needy, she'll get tired of him quickly.  Of course, I'm generalizing again.  You'll soon hear from demented Johns who claim to 'date' providers, & how these providers fall madly in love with them.  That's always fun.        
Posted By: WickedBrut
Who are you? M or F?
 Lol.  I'm the guy who likes to bang SBs, then drop them.  I don't get emotionally involved with providers or SBs. I've been around way too long to make that mistake.  regards,  --z

Z
You're dead on for the most part about the situation.  

I'm not an emotional person, I'm not prone to emotional outbursts and if I have them then they're usually out of anger and frustration. Its difficult to express myself here without getting crucified but all the girlfriend formalities we providers express to our clients may not be the same in our relationship. This is especially true in my case. I don't want to give my SO the girlfriend experience. I want to be their girlfriend my own way, which means listening AND offering advice, saying stupid shit to pull them out of their head when theyre upset and texting them selfies even when I'm feeling ugly (which happens a lot). I want to be with someone who understands that I'm DC and they're Marvel but I'll pull a Deadpool and cross fucking universes for them. How does a natural introvert forced to be extroverted explain that to someone without sounding like a lovestruck pussy? You don't. My idea of love consists of proving loyalty, your favorite restaurant when we go on vacation even if I get sick of the potato pancakes, not rolling my eyes when they get mimosas for breakfast damn near every morning, offering council and bringing them back to reality when they decide they want to live on cloud  9. I'm a realist. I pack my bags and plan my life on the fact that the world can and will go to hell in a handbasket tomorrow and everyone has the option to leave me SOL. That includes my SO. Sorry not sorry.  

I know that this 'emotional' outpour isn't me and isn't well done and I'll get flamed but I'd rather you guys flame me and I get it out than to sit and watch chick flicks. I'm going to the range to shoot out my feelings.  

 
Catch ya laters.  

Posted By: Zangari
Posted By: WickedBrut
Which one are you? Engle wrote from the POV of the less sensitive partner in the pair bond...I'll infer that you are the one who was "sensitive"
   
  Ah no, I inferred just the opposite...that the Op was the "less emotional" in her last relationship.  I think that *most* providers (generalizing here) would need to be the less emotional in any relationship, given the nature of what they do.  In order to keep her sanity, a provider has to figure out a way to have a personal relationship while fucking anonymous clients.  That's not an easy thing--it requires an emotional reserve that cannot simply be turned off like a switch.    
   
  Think about the items in the article & how they'd relate to a provider.  Just for fun, let's pretend her bf doesn't know she's a provider:    
   
  Item #1:  She's not great at expressing emotion: Yep, she's reserved & keeps her emotions in check.  In P4P, it's a survival trait.      
   
  Item #2:  His parents think she's frigid:  oh yeah, she's a cool one.  She's definitely not the girl-next-door.  She's street-smart & there's something unsettling about her..like a cop, she's seen the worst in human nature.    
   
  Item #6:  She never backs down in a fight.  Damned right--another P4P survival trait..    
   
 Item #11: She's never the first to send a text:  Of course not--she's bombarded with texts from horny men of all ages.  Texting is work-related, so she doesn't understand why her bf need that validation-by-text.  He needs to grow up.  
   
 Item #15:  She's banging her bf for free.  He should be happy and just STFU (lol).      
   
 Now let's assume her bf does know she's a provider.  She wins points for honesty.  But given the fragile male ego, that doesn't solve any problems.  --z  
   
     
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
 

Post a pic of your best group if you can. Have fun and stay warm and safe.

You are just fine. It's up to both partners to appreciate one another AS THEY ARE. The idea of changing someone to be what you want is wishful thinking. People change, but on their own and based upon who they are... not the way someone "pushes" them to change.

I grew up in a VERY stoic family. I mean, NO ONE could say "I love you". Support was never emotional, it was by deed and constructive words. It took me a long, long time to be able to express emotion and be comfortable with it, and I still would rather SHOW someone I care than be overly effusive or needy emotionally.  

This world is hell on real relationships.  

Life goes on. I hope you hit the ten ring

RokkKrinn465 reads

I come up as having some characteristics of the less sensitive partner with respect to my wife; but in my "arrangement"/pseudo-relationship with a provider,  I'm probably the more sensitive one.

I don't know--maybe not so much of a surprise, huh?

This article reminds me of a truism I've encountered in my travels, which was summarized very nicely by that same provider/friend of mine:

"In every relationship, there is a lover, and a 'loved'".

So true....

I know you are not really asking for all of this advice but anyway.  
Put yourself back together, try not to self destruct. Work on your long shot, what does it look like at 5oo meters? Maybe set some ground rules for next time. You will find someone if that is what you want, somewhere they are looking for you.  That is not meant to be mushy, just what I have observed in my few years.

Posted By: missariarocchi
To people like me.  
   
 Thoughts?

Posted By: missariarocchi
To people like me.  
   
 Thoughts?

Some people just aren't the right fit.
Sure you can analyze these things, and hopefully learn from experiences - but if you are just TOO different and the frustration is greater than the plusses - then why continue on?  Find someone who is a better fit, don't try to change someone.  Secure people will realize this more quickly, and not want to waste their time or that of the other.
(and this is general comment - more directed at the article than the OP and her situation, which I know nothing about)

skarphedin494 reads

Have you read Shakespeare's Sonnets? It is about this.  

PS. He never bothered to publish his own plays. But he made very very sure that his Sonnets were published.

skarphedin440 reads

Emotions are simply overwhelming to me (even though I believe mine are the same as what others experience) and I stay away from them because of it...  

I get no positive reinforcement from the experience of them: merely exhaustion and anxiety.  

That is why I am such a cold hearted fucking asshole all the time.  

I am a victim too!  

lol

not really lo

I completely disagree, a person can experience an emotional state. The emotion itself is nonexistence. Proving that emotion exists is as futile as proving god exists.

and I bet there is a hell of a lot more ways to do this than these 15.

That said, I can see myself in at least half of those scenarios.  I am very averse to confrontation.  (I married a woman of Irish and Scotch ancestry - how crazy is that?)

I think part of the answer can be found in a scene from David Lean's classic movie, Lawrence of Arabia.  In one scene, Lawrence (Peter O'Toole as his finest.) shows a fellow officer how he can hold his hand over a candle flame for several seconds.  "What's the trick?", inquired the officer.  "The trick..." rejoined Lawrence, "...is not to mind it."

Good advice, use it.

89Springer451 reads

Posted By: mrfisher
In one scene, Lawrence (Peter O'Toole as his finest.) shows a fellow officer how he can hold his hand over a candle flame for several seconds.  "What's the trick?", inquired the officer.  "The trick..." rejoined Lawrence, "...is not to mind it."

Good advice, use it.

So G. Gordon Liddy stole that quip from Peter O'Toole's character? Bastard. ;)

That would be the emotional one in your article. Unfortunately when you are like I am, you live and breathe showing your partner how much they mean to you through words and actions. When those are not reciprocated it's like your partner has the last glass of water on earth and you only wish they would give you a sip, just once in awhile.

The article could not have been more accurate based on my last relationship.

In my case, those FEW sips of water allowed brought back to life one thirsty man.

The article would have been interesting had it explored the results of a relationship  with two people of the same relational approach.

Lastly, I hope no one flames you for showing emotions. It sounds like that is difficult enough for you

description of someone 'high maintenance'.  

Just my opinion: If you're a mature adult with ample amounts of self love, outside interests, friends, and don't have a problem being by yourself, these aren't problems you will face in a relationship.  

If you are in a relationship and you feel like any of those issues exist, you should consider finding someone who is a better match, or work on growing as a person to compensate for your own neediness

I think one of the hardest things about being in an emotionally mismatched relationship is that some other parts of it are so good that we're drawn to hanging in there and trying to make it work, even though we know, or should know, or don't want to know, that it's time move on.

I've found some relationships akin to trying to fit imperfect puzzle pieces together and hoping for a perfect picture in the end.  And unless and until we're ok with imperfect pictures it's gonna be a long hard fight as although the glittering part of what draws us to each other points of attraction, the thing that keep a relationship going is how much are we willing to overlook the  less attractive parts about each other, be they physical, emotional, or somehow related to shopping lol.

As for the OP, being the sort of person in the article is no better or worse than the other side of the coin.  The key is to continue the process of trial and error to find someone with the same primal needs, the same shiny qualities we love, and a willingness to overlook what we hope they'll overlook.  I think that's what they call dating.  And for everything else, there's mastercard... or little white envelopes

The hardest part are those things that do work are often magical and mask the hard work that must be done in a relationship.

I personally don't believe change is possible.

We often desire the same things as our partner but we all have baggage that gets in the way and doesn't allow us to risk/expose ourselves to the other person for fear of judgement or hurt.

Go all in or risk losing it all.  My .02

Posted By: Joe Christmas
I think one of the hardest things about being in an emotionally mismatched relationship is that some other parts of it are so good that we're drawn to hanging in there and trying to make it work, even though we know, or should know, or don't want to know, that it's time move on.  
   
 I've found some relationships akin to trying to fit imperfect puzzle pieces together and hoping for a perfect picture in the end.  And unless and until we're ok with imperfect pictures it's gonna be a long hard fight as although the glittering part of what draws us to each other points of attraction, the thing that keep a relationship going is how much are we willing to overlook the  less attractive parts about each other, be they physical, emotional, or somehow related to shopping lol.  
   
 As for the OP, being the sort of person in the article is no better or worse than the other side of the coin.  The key is to continue the process of trial and error to find someone with the same primal needs, the same shiny qualities we love, and a willingness to overlook what we hope they'll overlook.  I think that's what they call dating.  And for everything else, there's mastercard... or little white envelopes.  
 

1. I'm the less emotional party. Always have been, always will be. Very few people have ever been able to ignite a sense of desire/need in me. My relationships are based on sexual and intellectual compatibility and how you respond to my vulgar and over the line jokes.  

2. I'm not placing blame. My partner was wonderful to me. Honestly everything I wanted in an ideal relationship. Its just the fact that because I failed to display and reciprocate my appreciation and love the way they wanted I was seen as cold and unfeeling and didn't love them. Which wasn't the case. In fact I felt inadequate. How do you give back to someone who's given you everything beyond materialistic things besides loyalty and honesty ? What if what they want isn't in your being to give? The only way to move past that was move on and although it hurts for me its better to recover from a fall than to let the wound fester and end up never walking again. Its melodramatic but thats why I don't date. I prefer solitude with the occasional fling with the passion and chase and amazing sex then...I dump them and move on to something else which excites me.  

3. I'm fine. I'm not sad or depressed. I just wanted to maybe reach out and let people like me know that they're not the only one  

 

Posted By: missariarocchi
To people like me.  
   
 Thoughts?

GaGambler565 reads

I have had an On/off relationship with a woman for several years now, during which time she has had several other relationships. She came out and spent a few days with me last week and in the course of conversation she confessed to me that the reason we always seem to find our way back to each other is that I never "kiss her ass" or get all needy and clingy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't thing any of us are immune to "falling in love" and I will freely admit that I have been the one "more in love" at various times in my life, but like you, most of the time at least, I am the "less emotional" on in the relationship. To tell the truth, I like it that way, and I think for a guy it's the only way you can survive dating hookers. Needy, clingy guys who date hookers usually end up get chewed up and spit out, I never want to be one of those guys making "I've fallen for a hooker and can't get up" type OPs. lol

If he did all those things then I would suspect he loved you very much and will find it difficult to move on despite, as you said that inevitably people can crush your being with words or lack of actions.

I am sure you will soon find something to replace him Aria. You seem to be able to put rational thought before irrational and unfiltered feelings which I guess can insulate you.

Apologies for the ramblings of a Mimosa driven response.

Good luck Aria

Aria,  
What is a sense of desire or need for you nowadays? I mean I'm sure it's changed as you've matured, but do you really know what will make you or allow you to feel desire again?  If you can't obtain that feeling with anyone, unfortunately, you're setting yourself up to be a lonely person.
Personally, I'm 43 yrs old and still stuck in a 16yr marriage with someone that I have no desire to be with.  For me desire is wanting to come home and find out how your day was. I want to ask your opinion and advice on issues that concern me or us and about what's going on in the world.  I want to value your opinion, I want to look forward to seeing you, hearing from you, laughing with you and holding you. I just want to value our time together and actually look forward to spending time with you.  I want to feel wanted and appreciated and respected and with all of those things, passion and DESIRE will develop and grow.  
If you can't allow those things to develop with someone then it's going to be a depressing and empty feeling inside and you'll never be truly happy.  
Unfortunately,  I have none of those things these days so that's why I'm here in the P4P world.  I know it doesn't come close to what I described above, but it gives me something to look forward to and gives me something to have a desire  for.  Nowadays for me, I desire to try and connect and have a killer GFE session with a witty, smart, beautiful, sexy, and erotic woman. That desire is far and away different from the desire I wish I had in my real life.

There isn't anything wrong with the people we are, in fact, we are to be appreciated for recognizing that and understanding our limitations. There are members of my family that are leaning on me to date (they say try match or eharmony) because they can't imagine how I can be happy being alone (mostly because they would be terrified to be alone). Of course they have no idea I'm playing our sport, and I'm getting my intimacy and sexual release in this sport. All they see is me being alone, ya gotta love them for their compassion.

There are many of us missariarocchi, it's simply that we aren't the norm and we don't fit their mold, so they can't understand how we could be happy. We can only show them by being ourselves, and let our happiness shine.

I was told this by a very wise man years ago "be yourself, no matter what happens no one can take that away from you". Unfortunately I didn't listen at the time I was told that, but I'm very fortunate that I finally listened.

Life is good, but you can't live someone else's life, only your own.

The emotional person they described fits me to a T lol...except I'm worse lol

Sacramento must be a warm place, because you are hot. Yummy, yum, yum

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