First off, a relationship is often already in a tailspin when any cheating starts, so the cause might or might not be the actual cause of an eventual divorce.
Second, this kind of statistic sounds like it belongs in the same drawer as: "The average person has less than two legs." True, but meaningless (since some people are amputees and no one has more than two legs it averages out to each having less than two legs, but most people have two legs). Third, money problems are caused by people who can't budget, are or become unemployed, suffer catastrophic health problems, get married too young before they're financially grounded, or some other very stressful situation, so it's more accurate to say that financial stress is the major cause. Fourth, the only thing one can take away from this insight is that how finances are shared and spent and invested seems very important to the feelings involved. By having money set aside people feel secure. By spending it on what is needed for the family, people feel well off and comfortable. It's all about feelings. Of course tragedy can strike at any time to anyone, bit being smart with money makes everyone feel better. So take care of each other's feelings. As far as the hobby goes, the money you spend on the playmate is money that you aren't spending on your spouse. I'm single, but, often, IMO, married men do more harm to their marriage by dropping the envelope than by the ensuing fuck.I have heard and read that over half of American divorces are NOT due to cheating, but rather it is due to money problems. So your having a lack of money would more likely cause your spouse to divorce you than if you were cheating. Do you agree or disagree ?
Not that it is a divorce case, but today there is an article about the owner of the New Orleans Saints disowning his children and grandchildren (Who managed the Saints!) on account of them not getting along with his new wife.
Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.
Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.
Spending it unwisely
First off, a relationship is often already in a tailspin when any cheating starts, so the cause might or might not be the actual cause of an eventual divorce.
Second, this kind of statistic sounds like it belongs in the same drawer as: "The average person has less than two legs." True, but meaningless (since some people are amputees and no one has more than two legs it averages out to each having less than two legs, but most people have two legs).
Third, money problems are caused by people who can't budget, are or become unemployed, suffer catastrophic health problems, get married too young before they're financially grounded, or some other very stressful situation, so it's more accurate to say that financial stress is the major cause.
Fourth, the only thing one can take away from this insight is that how finances are shared and spent and invested seems very important to the feelings involved. By having money set aside people feel secure. By spending it on what is needed for the family, people feel well off and comfortable. It's all about feelings. Of course tragedy can strike at any time to anyone, bit being smart with money makes everyone feel better. So take care of each other's feelings.
As far as the hobby goes, the money you spend on the playmate is money that you aren't spending on your spouse.
I'm single, but, often, IMO, married men do more harm to their marriage by dropping the envelope than by the ensuing fuck.
At least from what I have seen in my professional and now personal life. The biggest cause of divorce from what I can tell is people growing apart. There are many reasons for this, and money disagreements and cheating seem to be more toward the middle or the end (if the cheating spouse gets caught) of the five stages of death that too many marriages go through. At least from what I've seen. And for those who want to read more random musings of one who wishes 'he knew back then what he knows now' about marriage, here goes:
Marriages require work. They really really do. This cannot be emphasized enough. It should be part of the vows. Spouses should be required to write it on a blackboard 100 times before they get the license. And then once a year, or once a week, or once a day depending on the combined stresses of each individual marital life.
And the work itself has to come every day. It's not so much a strategy meeting over dinner each night as being thoughtful. Knowing what the other is feeling, going though, and either sensing it or listening - and guys, many of you know where I'm coming from on this but the art of listening includes just that - LISTENING without,as much as we love to do this, feeling like we have to offer solutions. It's being there for each other during those inevitable times where no one else could possibly understand or care so much about what is wrong in the other's world. It's standing up for each other in public and being totally honest (sometimes brutally so) in private. Once people drift from this formula things start to crumble. And once again I don't speak for everyone as you all may have different situations; but my world has provided me with a not so small sample to draw on for this.
And once things start to crumble things start to spin into a different orbit where spouses stop being there for the other that things start to drift. It can be like continental drift or it can be swift and harsh depending on how badly a spouse wants/needs to hold on. There are always disagreements in marriages and it can be about kids and the 1 million decisions that have to be made each week about their present and futures; it can be money, it can be work, moving, whose parents are we going to see this Thanksgiving, and on... and on.
And a lot of it is how you answer a person when you're frustrated with them; pre or post drift. Are you harsh and abrupt, or are you careful to be concerned about how they will feel? THIS believe it or not seems to be the BIGGEST catalyst for people drifting and fighting and cheating. Words do matter in a marriage. Trust me on that. They matter everywhere but in a marriage there are so many opportunities to say the wrong thing, or say what you think is the right thing but in a wrong way, and spouses inevitably will, but it's how wrong and how wrongly it's said, how willing we are to forgive, and how many times it's said that way which seems to be a huge trigger. Like I am fond of saying the most important three words in a marriage, or any relationship are not 'I love you' but rather (take your choice) 'I was wrong' and 'I am sorry' As hard as I love you can be to say, these others get harder and harder once the battle lines start to be drawn.
Sorry, this sounds like a sermon and it's not meant to be. And rather than go on and on - which I won't -at least in my experience it's people thinking they don't have to work at a marriage that leads to drifting; it's drifting that leads to intolerance of what's bothering their partner; intolerance leads to getting satisfaction in some way that does not include your spouse - it can be golf every chance you get, it can be shopping (men and women), it can be cheating, it can be lots of things; it's this crumbling of caring and more selfish behavior that leads to harsh words often off the cuff statements during disagreements; harsh words DO lead to harsh feelings; that leads to hurtful disagreements; that generally leads to two unhappy people staying in a marriage... or ending it. Yes, there's obviously more to it, but I'll spare you the rest
The parts that I get involved in are as the relationship is ending. At that point the money is the major issue, as well as the kids.
The non-propertied spouses seemed to have been blindsided..or so they claim. I am confident that "they" knew there were issues, and as you described most didn't address them to avoid having to come to me to do the valuations and forensically find where the propertied spouse was hiding those nasty dollars LOL
Plenty of really pathetic stories out there on both sides I'm afraid. The ones that really hit me hard are when one, or both sides use kids as the chip. Fucking pathetic...but happens often.
Marriages require work. They really really do. This cannot be emphasized enough. It should be part of the vows. Spouses should be required to write it on a blackboard 100 times before they get the license. And then once a year, or once a week, or once a day depending on the combined stresses of each individual marital life.
And the work itself has to come every day. It's not so much a strategy meeting over dinner each night as being thoughtful. Knowing what the other is feeling, going though, and either sensing it or listening - and guys, many of you know where I'm coming from on this but the art of listening includes just that - LISTENING without,as much as we love to do this, feeling like we have to offer solutions. It's being there for each other during those inevitable times where no one else could possibly understand or care so much about what is wrong in the other's world. It's standing up for each other in public and being totally honest (sometimes brutally so) in private. Once people drift from this formula things start to crumble. And once again I don't speak for everyone as you all may have different situations; but my world has provided me with a not so small sample to draw on for this.
And once things start to crumble things start to spin into a different orbit where spouses stop being there for the other that things start to drift. It can be like continental drift or it can be swift and harsh depending on how badly a spouse wants/needs to hold on. There are always disagreements in marriages and it can be about kids and the 1 million decisions that have to be made each week about their present and futures; it can be money, it can be work, moving, whose parents are we going to see this Thanksgiving, and on... and on.
And a lot of it is how you answer a person when you're frustrated with them; pre or post drift. Are you harsh and abrupt, or are you careful to be concerned about how they will feel? THIS believe it or not seems to be the BIGGEST catalyst for people drifting and fighting and cheating. Words do matter in a marriage. Trust me on that. They matter everywhere but in a marriage there are so many opportunities to say the wrong thing, or say what you think is the right thing but in a wrong way, and spouses inevitably will, but it's how wrong and how wrongly it's said, how willing we are to forgive, and how many times it's said that way which seems to be a huge trigger. Like I am fond of saying the most important three words in a marriage, or any relationship are not 'I love you' but rather (take your choice) 'I was wrong' and 'I am sorry' As hard as I love you can be to say, these others get harder and harder once the battle lines start to be drawn.
Sorry, this sounds like a sermon and it's not meant to be. And rather than go on and on - which I won't -at least in my experience it's people thinking they don't have to work at a marriage that leads to drifting; it's drifting that leads to intolerance of what's bothering their partner; intolerance leads to getting satisfaction in some way that does not include your spouse - it can be golf every chance you get, it can be shopping (men and women), it can be cheating, it can be lots of things; it's this crumbling of caring and more selfish behavior that leads to harsh words often off the cuff statements during disagreements; harsh words DO lead to harsh feelings; that leads to hurtful disagreements; that generally leads to two unhappy people staying in a marriage... or ending it. Yes, there's obviously more to it, but I'll spare you the rest.
it of course became a huge issue in my divorce however. lol
Fortunately in my case there were no children involved and I was still young (in my thirties) so buying my freedom by giving her virtually everything "we" owned seemed like a reasonable price. I have since made all that money back several times over, and I have plenty of peace of mine that comes from not even having a clue to where that woman even lives, much less having to deal with a ex wife like some many of my friends have to do.
And having only a few shekels or millions of them tends to result in the same fate.
I've seen couples fight over literally nothing (in terms of economic value).
I've got a divorce case now that I'm assisting the business owner with some divorce planning. This has been going on for over a few years now...and the soon to be ex-wife can hire all the experts she wants...but will never find the assets.
My recommendation to my client now is to give her the house, a QDRO and some cash. He is fine with all that since the material asset(s) will be his going forward.
Hey...it's a living LOL
Fortunately in my case there were no children involved and I was still young (in my thirties) so buying my freedom by giving her virtually everything "we" owned seemed like a reasonable price. I have since made all that money back several times over, and I have plenty of peace of mine that comes from not even having a clue to where that woman even lives, much less having to deal with a ex wife like some many of my friends have to do.
My recommendation to my client now is to give her the house, a QDRO and some cash. He is fine with all that since the material asset(s) will be his going forward.
Hey...it's a living LOL
-- Modified on 1/24/2015 2:48:38 PM
I lost my virginity when I was 17, late by today's standards, but back when I was a kid and chewing gum had just been invented, it wasn't so unheard of. I lived with the woman for three years while I worked my way through a regional college in the Midwest. We never married, but we wanted to be together for life. But she wasn't involved with any of the ideas I was exposed to on campus or at work, and I eventually found myself more interested in the coeds I was around and the women I met through work. We didn't have a lot of money, but always enough, and we handled things without much stress. Looking back, that seems amazing to me. Doubt I could do that today.
So at some point I just realized that who I had become was so far from where I was when we met that I couldn't continue with her. We grew apart. We were young, but later in life in can happen that way too, only maybe not as quickly.
Flip side, today I like being family free, but am drawn back to trying to live traditionally like I did with her back then. That's not nostalgia or anything like that, just a thing.
quit the the hobby and stop asking stupid, brain dead question. Of course, the assumption here is that, you have a brain to begin with.
By the nature of your constant posts, having a brain is a suspect.