I can't say I was in a sexless marriage, but it wasn't as much as it should have been, I will say I knew my husband was unhappy w it and I told him to do what he had to do to get it out of his system, but I honestly never thought he would do it,because he HATES cheaters, so to turn into someone he hated devastated not only him but me as well, lucky for me (and him) it was only a one time thing, and now we have sex at least 4 times a week, but no I never knew, he got busted because I knew how many Viagra we had and one was missing when he went to vegas........
So what do you think? Do you think a wife who has not had sex with her husband for say a few years or more could possibly think her husband is not getting sex somewhere? Of course every situation and wife will be different, but if we can dare to generalize, what do you think?
There are those of us who have had to endure for a variety of reasons, sexless marriages for months, years, and dare I say even decades, having turned to the hobby at some point along the way. I had a discussion with a woman not long ago who says at least in her opinion, that the wife absolutely knows because women know these things. She said if it remains unspoken and not thrown in the wife's face, that there will likely be a tacit understanding and going about your hobby life without hurting her will be quietly absorbed into the relationship from her end.
So what do you think? Do you think a wife who has not had sex with her husband for say a few years or more could possibly think her husband is not getting sex somewhere? Of course every situation and wife will be different, but if we can dare to generalize, what do you think?
Maybe she is also getting a little on the side and he is such a disgusting pig that she knows the only way he could be getting any would be to pay for it.
I will disagree about "having to" stay in a sexless marriage for decades. Say what you want to rationalize your own reasons for saying, but nobody "has to" stay married, unless you are that one guy who is married to a mafia princess who's father will kill you if you try for a divorce. lol
But to answer your OP seriously, I think there is a lot of "not wanting to know" on the part of many wives.
Us guys do the same thing, I currently have a "novia" in Costa Rica who I "take care of" IOW I pay all of her bills and she has no need to work if she chooses not to, and by work I mean being a hooker which is how I met her.
She claims, and I sort of believe her that she no longer works and I am the only man she is with now. As I said "I sort of believe her" but I go out of my way to make sure I DON'T ever catch her. I could lie in wait and try to catch her showing up at the Del Rey, but why would I want to? I am perfectly happy with our arrangement, and I have no inclination to upset the apple cart. As long as she practices safe sex with her clients, who am I to insist that she "stay faithful" to me?
I think in a similar fashion many wives feel the same way, as long as their nose is not rubbed in it, I think "many" but certainly not all of these wives have sort of a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude about their husbands getting it somewhere else.
I do agree with you that no one needs to stay married and in a sexless marriage. I think though sometimes it is easier to endure it than not until that breaking point is reached, and I do think there are extenuating circumstances that can delay the inevitable in some marriages, BUT now that I am moving on and had to face the facts as you put it, I totally see the wisdom of your comment.
But I do think there is a sliding scale as to how much someone is willing to endure before they move on (husband or wife) be it financial, kids, or just the pain in the ass of going through a messy divorce when they can just hang in there, file a joint return, and hobby.
And for people still in that limbo, be it married, or in a situation similar to yours, i think you're right - not looking to find out is a good survival mechanism that keeps everyone moving forward and at peace - with each other and with themselves. there is so much I am glad I don't know about many things. And yes, I could have been fooling myself for years as the joke could have been on me with her getting some on the side. But I don't think I'll go there as I don't want to know lol.
But to answer your OP seriously, I think there is a lot of "not wanting to know" on the part of many wives.
Us guys do the same thing, I currently have a "novia" in Costa Rica who I "take care of" IOW I pay all of her bills and she has no need to work if she chooses not to, and by work I mean being a hooker which is how I met her.
She claims, and I sort of believe her that she no longer works and I am the only man she is with now. As I said "I sort of believe her" but I go out of my way to make sure I DON'T ever catch her. I could lie in wait and try to catch her showing up at the Del Rey, but why would I want to? I am perfectly happy with our arrangement, and I have no inclination to upset the apple cart. As long as she practices safe sex with her clients, who am I to insist that she "stay faithful" to me?
I think in a similar fashion many wives feel the same way, as long as their nose is not rubbed in it, I think "many" but certainly not all of these wives have sort of a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude about their husbands getting it somewhere else.
..he turned to escorts and when his wife found out he just threw it in her face - "Yeah, thats right. What do you expect me to do now that you no longer want to fuck. IF you think I'm going without it your fucking nuts". She actually admitted it was her fault. They are still married, she still doesnt put out and he still sees escorts.
I don't buy that it was exclusively her fault. We all have to work at relationships if we want them to succeed. And it's not typically the big stuff that's responsible for most estrangements- it's the little stuff. Everyday things like communication and romance and the spark of a little something new now and again.
But women do noticeably lose much of their sex drive right after having children, and the habit of not having sex can take over. In my years of doing this, that's when the guys tend to begin to think about wandering. The kids take all the mother's attention and energy and she barely has anything left for herself, let alone her husband. They've gained weight, no longer feel sexy, and resign themselves to a sexless life. Bad news. But with patience and understanding, and a willingness on the part of both parties, this can be overcome. But sometimes one or the other party gives up.
That's why I think there ought to be a clause in a marriage agreement that says if either party's libido diminishes to the point of nil that the other party has the right to have that part of the relationship outsourced. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. A true partnership is so much more on so many other levels. A true partnership would not be shaken or threatened by outsourcing sex.
This reminds me of a gentleman I saw once who told me about when he started hobbying...his wife was so wiped out and the thought of sex was just another chore to her, just another tiring thing on a checklist. The kids took all her energy...
Till one day she got fed up and told her husband just to hire someone. She was angry when she said it, but there was truth to it.
So he did, and it actually improved their sex life. She knows about his hobbying, and has even joined in a few times. And now she is somehow hornier than ever!
But women do noticeably lose much of their sex drive right after having children, and the habit of not having sex can take over. In my years of doing this, that's when the guys tend to begin to think about wandering. The kids take all the mother's attention and energy and she barely has anything left for herself, let alone her husband. They've gained weight, no longer feel sexy, and resign themselves to a sexless life. Bad news. But with patience and understanding, and a willingness on the part of both parties, this can be overcome. But sometimes one or the other party gives up.
That's why I think there ought to be a clause in a marriage agreement that says if either party's libido diminishes to the point of nil that the other party has the right to have that part of the relationship outsourced. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. A true partnership is so much more on so many other levels. A true partnership would not be shaken or threatened by outsourcing sex.
Bravo, very well-put! not to mention very sensible and logical. Unfortunately my experience is that most women do not operate on the same logic scale as men -they tend to be affected/afflicted more by emotional feeling.
and lube doesn't help the walls
In your last paragraph. I agree with that wholeheartedly....even in the case of severe medical problems. If one makes a unilateral choice it leaves the other high and dry. I would then advocate this type of thing finances allowing of course
The kind of openness to sexuality that Sarah suggests not only can strengthen marriages but also sometimes enable established couples to bring passionate intinacy and deep emotional love back into their lives.
That's a generalization - perhaps in some cases the child rearing has been the focus more on the wife.. But it's not always the case.
My case in point where I cook, clean, make breakfast for the kids, do their laundry the majority of the time, make sure they have lunch ready, Drop them off for the bus and pick them up, and make dinner and do homework. Get them ready for bed and stay with them until falling asleep.
I get "involved" with them and actually play with them as opposed to just being an on-looker.
All the while holding a full time professional career and picking them up when sick. All of it I love to do...BUT the wife either not home becsuse of work or becsuse she is "going" somewhere for a conference or friends or whatever. And even when physically present, not emotionally present!!
So the brunt of the child rearing and housework done by guess who?! Mr Mom... Me.
So I don't buy the baloney that it's always the women are the only ones with legitimate reasons for not wanting sex. And it's much more than the sex.. It's being appreciated and respected as a meaningful part of the family., as a person an partner. But when all actions say otherwise and indicate your not needed despite all my best efforts, then yeah.... You sort of start to lose motivation and say "why bother". So it works both ways. Your assuming the guys have not tried. Perhaps some don't but please don't geberalize because it just isn't so.
Sorry but the guys get a bad rap too frequently.
then I can see why she doesn't want anything to do with them in the bedroom. Personally I hope she laying someone else.
Steph
...he turned to escorts and when his wife found out he just threw it in her face - "Yeah, thats right. What do you expect me to do now that you no longer want to fuck. IF you think I'm going without it your fucking nuts". She actually admitted it was her fault. They are still married, she still doesnt put out and he still sees escorts.
A lady I had a session with recently told me that I was kidding myself if I thought that my wife does not know. I have always been the Cheshire cat, smiling, thinking that I am getting away with something, but I am no longer sure. The comment from my wife that really jolted me happened last month, about 4 days after I returned from a week long trip to Asia. In the middle of intercourse, she said to me "hon, do you want to know what I wish?" I said "no," and she replied "I wish you did not bring me a gift that will keep on giving." I did not reply, but I am probably skating on thinner ice than I thought.
I am not in the sexless marriage camp, I guess I am in the selfish prick camp.
PS: GaG, St. Germain is a lovely district in Paris, but as to what you meant, for the last few hundred years it has been spelled as germane 
Or I will start calling you a pedantic putz as well. lol
Fucking spellcheck, it's even worse when I forget to change back to an English keyboard after typing something to send to my novia where I use a Spanish keyboard. It will change my words into something that looks like it was written by AnnoyingFungus or our latest moron MtDew. lol
Or actually it's just as likely that I just made a typo, either way you are more than welcome to GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! please. Please notice, I did say please.
funny that there are so many comments about grammar on a fuck board. That is not to say that I like the trolls who write in mumbo jumbo on purpose. BTW, pedantic would not be so bad in the scheme of things, but I will not make it a point to comment on grammar, I just could not pass the opportunity for a a little dig at our top poster.
Most wives know deep down in their women's intuition that something isn't right, but aren't willing to face it and are in denial. It's easier to pretend everything is peachy keen. Truth hurts
I can't say I was in a sexless marriage, but it wasn't as much as it should have been, I will say I knew my husband was unhappy w it and I told him to do what he had to do to get it out of his system, but I honestly never thought he would do it,because he HATES cheaters, so to turn into someone he hated devastated not only him but me as well, lucky for me (and him) it was only a one time thing, and now we have sex at least 4 times a week, but no I never knew, he got busted because I knew how many Viagra we had and one was missing when he went to vegas........
So what do you think? Do you think a wife who has not had sex with her husband for say a few years or more could possibly think her husband is not getting sex somewhere? Of course every situation and wife will be different, but if we can dare to generalize, what do you think?
Let me set up a hypothetical situation. Imagine you're in a sexless marriage because, through no fault of her own, the wife has severe health issues. All of her time is spent on surviving, one hour at a time. She's so fatigued all day long, and in endless pain, it interferes with certain senses, especially her sixth sense. Because of her health you don't even sleep together, so she isn't even there to notice any little subtleties. She could care less about bank accounts, how many Viagra are left, why you shave on some Saturday mornings and not others, why you're endlessly on your laptop, etc. Maybe she doesn't even know there's Viagra around. The one time every five years she feels like fooling around just a little bit you can't get it up, because you're not going to waste one just to fool around. That gives her the impression you too are suffering the ravages of age, and she doesn't have anything to worry about.
But there is one thing that can tip the balance. Strip clubs! The girls there wear perfume and glitter. Even a handicapped woman will easily notice those two things. Come home smelling, and looking like a stripper, you're dead meat. So strippers, if you're reading this, when we're leaning in a little closer, pretending the music is too loud and we can't hear, what we're really doing is checking for perfume and glitter. If it's there, don't even ask for a ld.
We were about 40 when we married... she had 2 children under 10. She said "She could take it (sex) or leave it." That was FALSE. What she didn't say is she would rather to leave it.
She seemed to have a good time when we did.
25 years later, it's gone from annual sex to not at all. That IS how she wants it. I am tired of having my advances rejected. I got the message. For a few reasons... I can't afford to walk.
I can't play like I'd like... but I'm getting more than I ever got at home.
Well at least for sure unless there's proof beyond a reasonable doubt or he confesses. However she'll probably have strong suspicion.
Unless I'm wrong I'm willing to bet that most SO when suspects their men will suspect that they have mistresses or affairs and NOT simply having sex with prostitutes
Correct. They think there is a mistress but they do not really know what this scene is all about. They do know that something is going on though.
and I hope it stays that way.
She was quite the naïve one, and I got away with murder for about 7 years until I fucked up and she caught me. I felt a bit bad about it because it really shook her up.
She made me agree no more escorts but I couldn't resist and got caught one more time.
Then she decided I was a hopeless case (She was right.) and just decided to let me go about my business while she pursued her own romantic interests. I think she was trying to get me jealous, but I didn't care - in fact I was glad to see her have her own interests, it made me feel better about hobbying.
That lasted for about 3-4 years, then she decided to cash in her chips and move out.
It was expensive and nerve wracking, but eventually worth it.
I have to agree. Never got caught red handed blah blah blah then she left. Took 3-4 years to re-build life blah blah blah couldn't be happier now. Some men are meant to be married some are not.
'nuff said
so why fuck it up?
So what do you think? Do you think a wife who has not had sex with her husband for say a few years or more could possibly think her husband is not getting sex somewhere? Of course every situation and wife will be different, but if we can dare to generalize, what do you think?
Both men and women can convince themselves of some pretty fantastic shit, e.g. he's perfectly happy not having sex at home for months at a time, she's having a perfectly platonic relationship with her he-man trainer that she can't stop talking about.
She always asks me why my browser history is always empty and why I never answer her calls on Fridays until an hour or two have passed. She has flat out asked if there are any other women or was I cheating on her. My answers have always been no and the browser thing is re: privacy ( I am very outspoken on Libertarian issues and 'net privacy). Sort of a free speech issue if you ask me. As far as the phone call thing, I Never
Pick up the phone. I always screen and call back unless waiting for a specific call.
She is a very insecure person due to her weight issues and being teased by the "pretty girls" in JHS. She is also very possessive and a jealous sort
However. She us not "street smart" in the slightest and knows nothing of TER nor my post marriage whore mongering. (She knows about my pre-marriage whore mongering though). Now if she would only fuck me in a regular basis I wouldn't have to hide because I'd be satisfied enough not to bother with the rat race that is "the hobby".
Before I started stepping out on my wife with civilians and escorts about ten years ago (and after about 20 years of marital fidelity), I complained about infrequency and tried to get us into joint counseling without effect. Paradoxically, once I stopped relying on her for sex, I became less unhappy in the marriage. We enjoyed lots of other activities together. I initiated sex with her less (she virtually never initiated) and frequency gradually dropped from 6-8 times a year to once a year. My wife is very smart, not naive, and is a senior VP at a multi-national, publicly traded company. After a few years I assumed she either knew or was in wilful denial and/or didn't care as long as I was discreet, didn't embarrass her and she didn't have to face it.
About a year ago a former lover heard about my involvement with another civilian lover and blew the whistle to my wife. It turned out the wife didn't know and was shocked and hurt when she learned the truth. I didn't try to deny it but answered all her questions honestly. I assumed the marriage was over but after a couple of months of cooling off and a couple of months of joint counseling (which continues), she convinced me she wanted to stay together and was willing to make the changes I needed. I agreed to give up this P4P life, make some changes in the way I relate to her and cut off all contact with former lovers. Stopping all contact with the last civilian lover was very hard because there was a strong emotional connection there.
I miss parts of what I gave up but I can't have those and have my wife, too. I've made the right choice for me.
-- Modified on 12/8/2014 2:55:57 PM
No she does not know. I've always been ultra-conservative (until recently) so there would be no reason to suspect. It's the usual issues.. Sexless marriage, but more importantly she so independent that she's oblivious to any marital issues. So I'm the one identifying the issues, setting up Counselling etc.
But there's only so much one can go on being neglected while husbandry and fatherly duties are being met- and despite that... Still pretty much ignored except for "honey-do lists"... As if I don't have my own lists etc or would perhaps want something more meaningful.
So I took matters into my own hands for at least some temporary companionship and to feel ALIVE once again!!!
Does she know... Highly unlikely since she's so absorbed in the pursuit of "success" or always chasing "something"... Whatever that is. Not chasing me however ... So no there's no suspicion. Plus I am the one paying the bills etc... But she's got her own account also. So yeah we are pretty independent nowadays.
I work late some nights and that's occassionally "play time" for me. Why not divorce?!...... The kids!!! I could not leave them!! Ok flame me for mongoring with kids at home. But I'm happier when I get home and I'm always there for them.
Perhaps there's some truth to the choice in the handle
Ideal would be happily married with open relationship or swinger type arrangements - but this will need to do for now.
Thanks for the venting outlet