I have just gone through this with an ATF. We've been seeing each other weekly for about 3 months and at first was disappointed though satisfied. I've always been able to assess and analyze. Maybe you should go somewhere where you can think about what disappointed you and why. I discussed it with her and we decided to try to see if it could be overcome but I had to have a vision of what the disappointment was and why. It worked after a few more visits as she also thought about where she maybe could expand. The key was I wanted more intimacy and sometimes something other than slam, bang, thank you. She was used to guys who only wanted that.
We also some arrangements to better meet my needs and wants. I found if I was squeezed in during her working hours, I tended to think one and it impeded the enjoyment way but if 1st in the day another. She offered to have me come earlier than her normal hours doing away with the issue.
It turned out she also had issues that I helped her with. She at times needs a person who is not just wanting to jump her bones, someone to talk to, someone to listen. Turns out for some it is they can be lonely in the middle of a crowd. We spend time over a cup of tea. When she needs this, she'll wear something like the girl next door heading to the mall. I wish I could get my SO to open up as much. When we do this no money changes as this is between friends. She does compensate other times, believe me.
Bottom line, decide what you need and want out of the hobby or if the convention hobby is what you want and need. I've found the hobby is not for me but a FWB is what I actually needed and want and happily, my ATF is that person. As an added bonus, she's leaving the business at the end of the month and she's asked me, and we've talked about continuing to see each other after.
Withdrawal will be easy as when I decided I wanted her as my ATF, I stopped shopping.
Finally met with a lovely provider who I had been longing to see for some time. She was everything I could have hoped for, still I came away disappointed. Did I expect too much? Is it just time for me to retire? I don't hobby that much as it is -- and things with the SO are no better than before (which is what got me here in the first place) -- so why did it feel so... forced? Some advice please Goddess.
Yup, how about excess expectations, Penny4Thought,
Our imagination is great in that it can conjure up the most fantastic sexual experiences...only to fall flat when reality hits the ground. It's pretty much a classic psychological situation: you want something/someone so much, you've got it all dreamed up in your head, and then...even if it's great, it still can't compete with the illusion. And when you try to fit fantasy into reality, yes, it does take a lot of "force" that may leave you less than satisfied.
Rather than focus on the hobby as a solution, why not address the problematic relationship with your SO? It's quite amazing how many people are loath to dig into their primary relationship when it's on the fritz and really give it a good workover. But yes, it's hard and often painful work, and there are no guarantees that the outcome will be rosy. But the hobby...that never solved any interpersonal issues, although the aspect of escape certainly does deflect temporarily from the problem.
In a thread below, poster Trooper2 wisely points out that replacing one person with another never really addresses the underlying issues. I'm a big believer in that hobbying should be fun and primarily about the physical release [or semi-spiritual, if you're of the Tantric persuasion.] This may seem callous, but then again, when you start mixing deeper emotions into paid sex, it's trouble on the horizon. So if you have certain expectations beyond just the nookie, particularly if you've never met the provider in person, the experience is almost destined to fail. It's almost as if the most successful hobbyists are the ones who are able to compartmentalize and do not confuse dessert with the main course, so to speak.
As to retiring from the hobby...well, what would you do instead? I don't know much about your sexual situation, so it's hard to provide some concrete advice. As long as you don't retire from having sex, I'd say try to either improve matters with your SO, or simply ship out and start anew in the civilian world. I don't believe we are physiologically destined to be with one person for our entire lives, so it's not surprising that things can tank between two people. And use the hobby for some occasional juicy fun?
How about it,
the Love Goddess
Thanks. Unfortunately, the relationship with the SO is not likely to change. Counseling was of little help. She refuses to talk about underlying issues (though she takes great pleasure in denouncing me and "my" hookers as deviants). Sex had dwindled to a couple of tiimes a year when I joined the hobby about three years ago. Now I wish I could make hobbying only about sex but the truth is I am lonely and feel an overriding need to feel connected to someone. Divorce is not an option because of the welfare of our adolescent kids. (I am the nurturing parent.) In my mind, the alternative to the hobby is either a long-term affair which is potentially more troublesome or finding an ATF with whom I can be more than just another John.
I know many provider to whom I am not "just another John", even though I am, if you know what I mean.
In other words, they are damn good.
From what you have written, what's the problem with a LT affair? Seems like the relationship is all but over. When the kids move out, you imply that you will too.
Good luck.
"Finally met with a lovely provider who I had been longing to see for some time. She was everything I could have hoped for, still I came away disappointed. Did I expect too much?"
I don't know what you are looking for, but some things are not in the reviews. I look for GFE as a starting point. Not kissing. Not BBBJ. I am looking to develop a FWB type relationship, where she gets $ benefits too.
I have had awesome sex with escorts, but it has been just that. Having sex. Something was missing. I have also had "ok" sex with escorts that were the most memorable times. For me, it is the difference between "having sex", and "making love".
You may be looking for what I am looking for. Something that partially replaces what you are missing with your SO. I want to be with a lady that wants to be there. I want to be with a lady that enjoys being with me. I want to make a personal friendship type connection with the lady, and let the passion flow from there. That's when it feels like the real thing, but that is also when it is most dangerous. That's why FWB is a good yardstick. Friends who enjoy each other's company. Friends who enjoy banging each other. Friends who have no pretense about being more than just friends.
If that is what you are expecting, then you may be expecting too much. The best ladies are great at creating the ambiance for a short time. But, as you have discovered, something is still missing.
Although it is expecting much, it doesn't stop me from looking. I am currently exploring the local ladies who are nice and personable. I've eliminated a lot, but there seems to be one or two worth getting to know better.
BTW: This doesn't mean I don't enjoy an occasional visit with a randy lady for the pure physical entertainment.
I'm not Goddess, nor do I play one on TV, but seems to me that what you are really looking for is a real genuine friend/partner/soul mate.
I would make the statement that you're not going to find that in the hobby. Smart hobbiest use the hobby for what it was intended - physical release. Trying to find true love in the hobby is an expensive mistake (well, it's expensive either way).
It seems like you feel trapped in a relationship that is not salvageable. Hanging on for the kid's sake. Your only hope is when you finally leave your current relationship, be it now or 20 years 10 years from now.
I have just gone through this with an ATF. We've been seeing each other weekly for about 3 months and at first was disappointed though satisfied. I've always been able to assess and analyze. Maybe you should go somewhere where you can think about what disappointed you and why. I discussed it with her and we decided to try to see if it could be overcome but I had to have a vision of what the disappointment was and why. It worked after a few more visits as she also thought about where she maybe could expand. The key was I wanted more intimacy and sometimes something other than slam, bang, thank you. She was used to guys who only wanted that.
We also some arrangements to better meet my needs and wants. I found if I was squeezed in during her working hours, I tended to think one and it impeded the enjoyment way but if 1st in the day another. She offered to have me come earlier than her normal hours doing away with the issue.
It turned out she also had issues that I helped her with. She at times needs a person who is not just wanting to jump her bones, someone to talk to, someone to listen. Turns out for some it is they can be lonely in the middle of a crowd. We spend time over a cup of tea. When she needs this, she'll wear something like the girl next door heading to the mall. I wish I could get my SO to open up as much. When we do this no money changes as this is between friends. She does compensate other times, believe me.
Bottom line, decide what you need and want out of the hobby or if the convention hobby is what you want and need. I've found the hobby is not for me but a FWB is what I actually needed and want and happily, my ATF is that person. As an added bonus, she's leaving the business at the end of the month and she's asked me, and we've talked about continuing to see each other after.
Withdrawal will be easy as when I decided I wanted her as my ATF, I stopped shopping.