TER General Board

issues of the heart
anavictoria See my TER Reviews 882 reads
posted

It really is a tough call, but I'll give you my insight.  
I go by the motto, if you're not falling in love with me then I'm not doing it right. Every person has their taste and people they click with right away. Don't confuse your feelings of love to be the same as the way she responds to you in session. You could be one of her most favorite and easy going clients which makes it all to comfortable to fall for a girl.  I happen to spend very good quality OTC time with many of my clients, we have a mutual fondness for each other that spans years. But once that clock starts it's all about you and the best session I can give you. I'm not saying she doesn't feel the same but really feel her out before claiming your love. She might feed into it not knowing you're genuine, if she does realize you are it may spook her and she may be hard to contact for some time. Like I've mentioned before in previous posts,  we have to maintain clear boundaries.  We have feelings also and know how hard it is when they aren't reciprocated.  

She's your ATF please tread very lightly. Give it some time and give her space, she'll appreciate that. For the most part we as providers try and fill a void. I know I do and I'm pretty good at being that comforting, sensual presence that's lacking in the real world. She might be doing the same thing if she knows you're suffering. Recognizing your dilemma is one of the hardest things to do and you're at least here trying to sort it out amoung your peers that get it. That takes courage on this board it also shows that your head isn't too far in the clouds.

reminded of what I already know and many here have stated here in the past. In fact this is where I read of this issue first so I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with this. I also know there are some strong opinions on this topic and I'd like to know what they are.

In the three or so years I have actively hobbied, I have managed to avoid the pitfall of falling for a provider...until now. The details are unimportant but I know trying to become her BF is a losing proposition all the way around. I started hobbying again after a 2.5 year absence after being dumped by my ex-fiancée specifically because I didn't want the entanglements of a relationship so finding myself in this situation is surprising to say the least. I find myself thinking about her way more than I should and I communicate with her almost every day, mostly through a local invitation-only site we both belong to.

My question is...what should I do?

1) Tell her about how I feel the next time I see her and she what she does/says.

2) Continue to see her as I have been and not tell her, keeping how I feel to myself.

3) Discontinue seeing her whether I tell her why or not.

Maybe there's a 4th option I'm not considering.  

In any event, I'd like to know the community's current thoughts on this subject. I get the feeling most of you who respond will tell me to go with option #3. Intellectually that's the way I know I should go as well but we all know how well our intellects function in the presence of emotion.

I know I'll get some flames but I really am struggling with this.

Thanks! WI

Zangari685 reads

Posted By: WheninTPA
I have managed to avoid the pitfall of falling for a provider...until now. The details are unimportant but I know trying to become her BF is a losing proposition all the way around.
  The fact that you were recently dumped by your fiancee means that you're emotionally vulnerable right now.  Accept that fact--you need to understand your motives. It sounds like you have an emotional need to replace your fiancee with Miss ATF.  Don't do that--she's ATF, not fiancee #2. Here's the good news: at least you're not deluded into thinking that Miss ATF is in love with you just because you're in love with her.  
Posted By: WheninTPA
 My question is...what should I do?  
  1) Tell her about how I feel the next time I see her and she what she does/says.  
  2) Continue to see her as I have been and not tell her, keeping how I feel to myself.  
  3) Discontinue seeing her whether I tell her why or not.  
 Let's try option #2 for now.  If you see her frequently, she'll know that you're into her.  Nothing wrong with that, as long as you respect her boundaries & don't get clingy.  When I started seeing my ATF on a regular basis, she started spending a lot of OTC time with me.  In bed, I was getting everything any bf would get.      

 Communicating with your provider every day through a social website is excessive.  Curb that--you shouldn't be communicating with your ATF every day, it comes across as possessive. If Miss ATF wants a more serious relationship with you, she'll let you know.  Try to reconnect with your family or maybe an old friend who you've lost contact with.  You need other people in your life. Good luck, --z  
 

-- Modified on 10/13/2014 11:19:06 PM

cuppajoe872 reads

Add another provider or two into your rotations.  You'll have to play the field a little, have some tryouts.  You'll find another lady that you think is cool and it'll bring some balance into your life.

Telling her how you feel will just fuck everything up. See other girls and get some perspective!

ChiTownHeaux476 reads

If he is really into her even seeing others that are hotter may not change how he feels. He may feel like he wasted his money because he will not enjoy it as much as he is falling for his ATF. BUT try, try 1-2 different girls if it is not satisfying for you continue seeing her with some changes as Zagari suggested.

Good luck

may be the most balanced option, depending on how well you can control your emotions.

She obviously ticks most of the boxes for you physically and you have a connection - it would be a shame to lose someone like that as a provider, especially now that you know each other and many of the initial safety, etc concerns are out of the way.

However, especially since you are smartly not attempting to pursue some kind of fairy tale relationship, you need to get some perspective so you and her can be on the same level and continue to enjoy things.  She probably sees you as a nice guy, maybe an ideal client, and even a friend on some level, but unless she lets on in some way, the rest of the boundaries are still in place.

 
Keep seeing her, but a little less frequently.  Give yourself some mental recovery time between meetings.  She knows you're into her if you've seen her repeatedly - no need to make any gushy confessions that will make things awkward going forward.

Explore some other options, but don't jump at something risky or waste your money just to say you did it with someone else.  

Cut down on the constant communication.  You'll have a hard time keeping perspective if you let her stay front and center on your radar screen every day.  And if you see her and chat a little less often, the times you do may actually seem more thoughtful and personal to her.

Relax and try to let it be fun - you met someone nice on life's journey and you'll be able to enjoy more of her company if you keep the emotions under control.

Just my thoughts from having built some nice long-term friendships and contacts in many years doing this.  Obviously there are some folks with different stories out there, so absorb them all and figure out what's best for you.

As long as you're not possessive and nuts about it, perhaps you can offer an arrangement that you both agree to.

Monogamous (I ask a very large compensation for this,)  
or open. (Where she can still do her job, but you can be there too. You both come to a financial agreement to what works best time & money wise for the both of you. There are tons of ways you can do it. A lot of ladies prefer having a couple gents in arrangements.

Continue to see her if you desire, but let her know incrementally how you feel.  You yourself said that trying to become her BF would be a losing proposition all around.  If you believe this to be true, then maybe you best heed your warning?  Note that if you have an ongoing relationship, she will most likely pick up on your feelings, and respond as she thinks best.  In the meantime, broaden your horizons, and see other ladies as well.  That way, you can direct your passions in multiple directions, and not concentrate on just one person.    

Just my three pennies.  Good luck!

If you want to keep seeing her telling her how you feel is not a great idea. It might wig her out and make future sessions a little uncomfortable.

If it hurts you too much to keep seeing her, find a couple of other hot hookers and spread the love, then see her every now and then if you can deal.

Quit seeing her altogether to get your head on straight.

Now whether you tell her why you won't be back is up to you as you really don't owe her an explanation, one would be nice but not absolutely necessary. However since you have frequent communication she might wonder why it suddenly stopped. If you feel comfortable enough to tell her the truth and why you need some space, she might appreciate that.

Coming out and telling her is going to make her uncomfortable, especially if she does not see you in that same way.

My wife and I have converted several girls (dancers) from pay to friends.   And from my own personal experience, if the girl is truly open to letting more occur, she is going to let you know.   Because if there is something real, it is occurring between both of you and she feels the same way.

But the first thing is to get your head straight and try to stop seeing her in person.   Next, really take stock if you are compatible physically (and by taking stock I mean being really honest with yourself).   I know this sounds cruel, but if she is a 10 and your a 5, the odds are stacked against you unless your rich; which then she is just going after money, and who really wants that?

As for talking to her everyday, that is a grey area.  I would personally not talk about sex or anything physical.  And if she asks why your not being sexual, I would choose selective truth.   Keep it where you are valuing her friendship and she does not have to perform for you outside of the session.   Definitely Do not discuss your feelings.   If she is into you, then her demeanor is going to change.  If your just a client to her, she will keep peppering sexual innuendo in there.

Also, this dude has to remember that once they cross that line from paid to unpaid, she is under no obligation to be "on" and do everything he wants. She can then ask for what she wants and drop the shit she does for pay and only do what she really likes to do. Might be one and then same but I usually hear quite differently when chatting with hookers...;)

Preaching to the choir on that one (pay stuff).  I too hear the same exact things from the girls I become friends with.  Your correct, they are usually not one in the same.

Yesterday my 'friend' and I we were talking about her reviews on here and the whole CIM thing; where the guys thought she really likes it.   What us guys fail to realize is we are paying you to like it, when in reality you don't.  (I promised her that I would never, ever make her do that unless she one day turned to me and said that she wanted me to; although it was a give and take promise, I promised never to come in her mouth and she promised not fake an orgasm..... [got to admit it was kind of funny watching her fake it for me]).   But I personally get off knowing that the she/they is having a good time.  If I detect they aren't, I get soft really quick.  Guess you can call him my BS thermometer.

Which was my greater point on the other GFE thread about the whole pleasuring her thing rather than just yourself.

On a side note, I notice in allot of replies that you refer to yourself as a hooker; and this is one conversation I haven't had yet.  Is that a term/label your comfortable with?  I'm going to assume that each girl is different in this respect, but overall, in your opinion, what is the preferred job title?

I personally don't refer to the girls I'm with by any title; part of it is that I don't want to demean them in any way, and the other part is I just don't know what they prefer and its a little awkward asking.

It only makes things worse. Only on here do I refer to myself as a hooker. I am playing in a sandbox that is not totally "hooker" friendly and the more a hooker complains, well it's like blood in the water, it attracts sharks. So when in Rome do as they do or leave.  

I also use trick and john but would never refer to my clients by those terms.  

I think like your friend, most guys don't realize (the majority don't care) some things a hooker might do is for pay and if she had a choice she would not do it.  

I have a client I see regularly and he has made it quite clear that he wants something outside of P4P. Well if I were to do that sex would be off the table. He is terrible. I love kissing but kissing him is gross. I get paid enough to deal but IRL, there is no way in hell I would put up with that. And that is just the beginning.

(kissing part) ROFL!!!!!  I seriously bust out laughing...

OMG I know! Nothing is worse than someone who can't kiss.   And that door swings both ways.  (So guys if your reading, LEARN HOW TO KISS AND BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH)

Outside of the 'hobby' (which my wife does not know about, so shhh) , we go to this monthly party (will PM you it), where I get to basically do anything I want (except fuck).   Nothing is worse than meeting a really hot girl, seducing her and then go in for the kiss, and it's like a epileptic cow licking me.  Instant turn off... or worse, bad breath.  

My wife is really bi, and I can't count the number of times she has come to me about how bad either a guy or girl kisses.

Just this sat, at the party, I guess it was the night of people I met years earlier; but this one couple comes up to me and I honestly don't remember who people are (we have been doing this for 20 years), anyways they said they have been wanting to get pics with me, and I thought the wife was cute and I thought my wife would like the husband so I did the introductions.   A few minutes later my wife pulls me aside and says do you know who they are?  Of course I said no, and she was like, they were the stabby kissing people.......  ooops, next!....

Now my current ATF, I love kissing her.  She has just the right amount of pressure, knows how to 'play' and of course tastes good.  I'm assuming she enjoys mine since she grabbed my face the other day and shoved it between her legs, then when I gathered she was finished pulled me back up by my hair to her face so she could deeply kiss me.

But yeah, I always feel really bad for you women and the shit you have to put up with.

Here, well that's why we get paid...to deal with it and smile sweetly.

Bah, can't PM you with the site; assuming it's the way you have your name and the special characters....

As long as you're still having a blast together, I see no reason to stop. This is really about getting past the inclination to want to *possess* what you desire (her), and enjoying what you do have with her without making it into a bigger thing than it needs to be.  

But, since you are struggling, go ahead and tell her you want to take a break and go see some other people (don't make a big  scene of it). Then, take the time to figure out if the feelings you have are real and deep or merely infatuation. Or, you could also try to arrange a long engagement together (1-2 week vacation, cabin in the woods?) - within a few days, you'll discover whether you two can really stand to be around each other all the time.  

Best of luck to you

Isn't it great that you've found a provider that makes you feel that good?

But for both of your sakes, have a great time during your appointment and then look forward to the next one.

This is a lose/lose situation if you act on your feelings, as has been communicated often, providers dread having to tell their clients that they are only providing a fantasy. And it's often heart breaking for the client to hear that.

Have fun man, this is a very simple arrangement, and a perfect one in my opinion. Treat it for what it's worth, and leave the feelings out of the equation.

My $.02

see her less, text her less frequently, and work another provider or two into your rotation. And don't tell her how you feel about her. Remember your hobby is her business.

And this is one that allot of us clients tend to forget; these girls jobs is to literally have sex with other people.  The ones who are doing this because they enjoy their work, are not going to just stop.   Your not the only one in "their" rotation.

Now I understand you've developed feelings but if you can't handle the thought of her being with other men and know that in the rare event it does develop into something, that she is not just going to quit her job for you; then you should sincerely think about stepping away.

Because Besides the feelings side, there is also the practicality side.

Above all, your not going to change who she is.

You've already gotten many good ideas here; and it's interesting that you have the words "tell her" in all three of your options.    So I've decided to add a little humor to this issue.    

If you make her a clip like this one and give it to her, you get your point across.    And most gals like a guy who can make them laugh!  

Whatever you decide to do, keep it simple and fun.    And not too serious!!  This hobby is supposed to fun and drama free.   When that is no longer the case, you need to re-evaluate

It really is a tough call, but I'll give you my insight.  
I go by the motto, if you're not falling in love with me then I'm not doing it right. Every person has their taste and people they click with right away. Don't confuse your feelings of love to be the same as the way she responds to you in session. You could be one of her most favorite and easy going clients which makes it all to comfortable to fall for a girl.  I happen to spend very good quality OTC time with many of my clients, we have a mutual fondness for each other that spans years. But once that clock starts it's all about you and the best session I can give you. I'm not saying she doesn't feel the same but really feel her out before claiming your love. She might feed into it not knowing you're genuine, if she does realize you are it may spook her and she may be hard to contact for some time. Like I've mentioned before in previous posts,  we have to maintain clear boundaries.  We have feelings also and know how hard it is when they aren't reciprocated.  

She's your ATF please tread very lightly. Give it some time and give her space, she'll appreciate that. For the most part we as providers try and fill a void. I know I do and I'm pretty good at being that comforting, sensual presence that's lacking in the real world. She might be doing the same thing if she knows you're suffering. Recognizing your dilemma is one of the hardest things to do and you're at least here trying to sort it out amoung your peers that get it. That takes courage on this board it also shows that your head isn't too far in the clouds.

When you are referring to OTC, you mean on the clock and not Off the Clock, correct?

In my experience, the girls who genuinely like me just come right out and suggest spending off the clock time together.  Just wanted to make sure that I was not misinterpreting what you were saying and in turn, misjudging my own experiences.

OTC to my knowledge has always been Off The Clock, as always YMMV. I get to meet incredible people and I enjoy my time with them.

Posted By: TheHotGuy2014
When you are referring to OTC, you mean on the clock and not Off the Clock, correct?  
   
 In my experience, the girls who genuinely like me just come right out and suggest spending off the clock time together.  Just wanted to make sure that I was not misinterpreting what you were saying and in turn, misjudging my own experiences.

(bah) now you made me question my own reality, damn you..... (-; (-; (-; (-; (-;

(hopefully this is not too intrusive of a question) Who is usually the initiator of it though? You or them?

It's about a 50/50 and innocently enough comes in the form of "we're both hungry so why not". Most of the times it's getting your wits back enough to function and if I have no session after I am content to wind down with you. I'm pretty easy going but like I said I attract incredible people into my life doing this.

Posted By: TheHotGuy2014
(bah) now you made me question my own reality, damn you..... (-; (-; (-; (-; (-;  
   
 (hopefully this is not too intrusive of a question) Who is usually the initiator of it though? You or them?

Having been an occasional recipient of the "I'm having feelings" talk/text/email, I can't tell you how much my stomach sinks when I hear those dreaded words.  It only happens with clients I really like seeing - isn't that shared enjoyment what sparks the whole feeling thing anyways? - so when one of my favorites slips in the 'F' word (or - god forbid! - the L word) I silently wail "NOOOoooo - STOP!"...and then I get myself together and do the grown-up thing by gently terminating the relationship.

In my case, I would much prefer that you go with #3 - preferably with an honest explanation

(Which I sort of doubt.) Otherwise 3, and don't say anything.

The hobby may not be for you if you can't control your emotions enough to enjoy meeting nice gals and not getting involved with them when you know full well that you are not a commitment kind of guy.  (And there is nothing wrong with that so long as you don't get into commitments.)

Also know that your feelings are best on the chemistry you feel for the gal, and will dissipate in due time.

I see where the chemistry is off the charts and the sex is incredible, orders of magnitude better than with anyone else. Maybe the best sex I've had in my life, or a close second, and that is saying something. But I recognize, and you should as well, that the nature of our relationship is a big part of that awesomeness. Do we have natural chemistry and mutual attraction? Yeah, probably - hard to believe it could be THAT good without it. But I also don't have to see her bad moods, listen to her bitch at me about taking the wrong turn on the way to a party, or the thousand other things that turn an infatuation into an irritant over time...ditto she doesn't see me in sweat pants or hear me belch. It's a fantasy my man, and is best left as such. In fact I probably could fall for this girl, but I make sure I don't see her exclusively and leave plenty of time in between appointments with her to make sure I don't get any stupid ideas in my head...and that also has the side benefit of keeping things fresh when I do see her, not to mention how fun it is to see other girls and have that variety. Not a bad course of preventive medicine, my recommendation is that you give it a try.

The key is, that it is fantasy and she's really good at her job. I want the woman to make me feel the way she's making the OP feel, and then I want to politely part ways until next time

That, and the cynicism born of middle age and a bad marriage ;-)

Hi Wit,
I sympathize with your situation and find it very romantic.  We are still human (well, some more than others)… and you are not made of stone. Sorry you are suffering, sweetheart..

I don’t think there is anything wrong with sharing how you feel; the worst that can happen is she freezes you out and then guess there’s option 3 out the window. I’d just go with it, tell her and maybe she would want an arrangement or something more. Who knows?

Not all Providers want the same thing or to stay in the Hobby. You decide for yourself if this woman- Provider or not, is worth the emotional and financial investments that will need to be made. But investments will need to be made.

Nothing in life should be taken for granted. Everything is an agreement. If you want to build something with this woman, you need to offer her something worthwhile to replace the way she has been supporting herself up until now.  

And be prepared for the ‘entanglements of a relationship,’ you mentioned in your post, to happen again. Maybe this is an entanglement you wouldn’t mind so much…

Good luck
Alyssa xox

Classic case of thinking with the little head dude. Why would you chose the non intellectual option?  

Find a ripe art school type, slam it in the ass end, and move on.  

You hate me now, I get it, but 3 months from now when you find out your hooker crush is seeing johns behind your back and giving them a better deal than you, you'll be back here saying good ol' JD was dead on accurate.

You just gave me a thought...I might go out and find some old fart, flash some thigh, throw him down, turn him over on his belly and grab his.....wallet, lighten it and move on.

He'll hate now but in 3 months time when no woman will even look at him, he'll be back looking for me...lolol couldn't resist.

The other 27% would actually pay you more to do so, pending the approval of their ATF of course.

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