I had the pleasure of dating a Ph.D, sex therapist/author for six years. While I learned a lot during that period about the obvious subjects, the thing that shocked me the most was what I learned about the media. I guess I wasn't really shocked, rather it just confirmed all the bad things I'd already believed to be true about it. And the worst offender in the category, by far, were the "chick-lit" peridoicals.
My friend had written many books on the subject of sex so the women's mags (and some men's) would frequently call her for a quote. But she started to observe a very disturbing trend among the editorial staffs of these magazines. So bad, in fact, that she finally quit allowing herself to be used as a source by some publications in order to preserve her professional reputation.
The m.o. of the magazine was to call for a confirming quote on a feature story. Frequently, she'd have to tell the writer that either her premise was flawed, her conclusions weren't supported by the facts, or some other similar warning to prevent the writer from makig a fool of herself and misinforming the public in the process.
You would think this advice would be heeded. You would be wrong. Rather than correct the premise of the story (that was preordained by the editor and, therefore, untouchable), they'd change my friend's quote to support their flawed story! This happened over and over again by just about every women's magazine you'd find at the check-out line at the grocery store- you know, the same ones that women have bought and looked to for advice for many decades.
Interestingly enough, my friend found that the men's magazines, particularly Men's Health, were much better in this regard than the well-known women's periodicals. Perhaps because the men's mags typically focused subjects pertaining to having better, more satisfying sex. Whereas the women's mags tended to have some sensational story on how to catch, bed and wed a man that frequently sounded as if it had been hatched by Lucy and Ethel.
But as bad as the print media were, however, it was the TV shows that proved to be the real snakes- but that's the subject of a different post.
Hi LG. I want to describe something to you that I see developing in myself. I am kind of scared of it and wonder if you can alleviate some of my fears, or tell me that I should be scared and point me in the direction of doing something about it.
Okay... so... I started as a provider to make money, yes, but I also had something else in mind as well. I've never understood men, never been able to really relate to them, and so I created, through providing, a way that I could test the waters so to speak. In the beginning it was just enjoyable for me to touch them and be touched within the boundaries of my practice. Then I started actually talking to many of them, getting to know them, actually liking many of them. I began to understand that men are just human beings like me with the same basic needs. In other words a lot of the fears that I had about the opposite sex began to dissipate.
I've also been very surprised at how they react to me. I've never thought of myself as very attractive, and yet, many men think quite the opposite. Many men actually think I'm very beautiful. All very rewarding for me.
But here is where the fear comes in. LG... I do post a blog on my site. I'm very open and I tend to post things that are quite personal. And then I get feed back from my gentlemen callers. Sometimes I get emails, or we end up discussing some of the things from my blogs during the sessions. Both the client and I get a lot out of this exchange. ( I think )
But recently it occured to me that the things I post in my blogs, and the things that I am discussing with my clients are, in fact, the type of things that I would think a woman would talk about with her husband or boyfriend.
I have been single for a very long time. I enjoy my solitude and enjoy my business and I seem to be satisfied. But, I also know that I can't do this forever.
I am sometimes fearful that I am placating myself with my "business".. the blogs and subsequent communication with all of the many men in my life instead of opening myself up to a normal, healthy relationship with one man.
I sometimes truly feel that I have many husbands. I get the intellectual and the physical intimacy as well as spiritual stimulation, as well as materialistic support from many men.
Is this okay???? I mean, am I not putting up enough boundaries if I treat almost all of my guys as though they are my SO.. at least for the time that they are with me. Should I be posting less personal subject material on my blogs?
And, do you think that even though I'm not actively looking for a healthy relationship with one single man that if it's meant to be, it will happen?? I mean.. I'm not doing anything to stop it from happening.. am I??
Sheesh.. I hope I don't sound too wierd. Warn me if I do and I'll delete everything.
Thanks LG. I truly appreciate your insight.
Yes, it's truly "weird," moorepassion,
But you're not the one who's weird...what's weird is that cultural programming, even in the year 2007->8, has such a hold on you, a modern woman, that you begin to doubt yourself in terms of what's "normal..." for YOU, and not for anyone else.
I truly fail to see a problem with this issue. Here is what you are saying: "I have been single for a very long time. I enjoy my solitude and enjoy my business and I seem to be satisfied. But, I also know that I can't do this forever." Now, if that's not self-awareness and being level-headed, then I don't know. I think you're making a GREAT statement here. You enjoy yourself, but you also know nothing's for ever. So, when you stop enjoying what you're doing, you'll do something else. And if that includes quitting the business and giving up singlehood for someone whom you feel is appropriate AT THAT TIME, then so be it. Or not!
Do not berate yourself in any way, shape or form. The whole "husband" issue is so cultural and so engrained in our consciousness that it's really hard to shake the idea of being a woman who doesn't NEED a husband to feel complete. I mean, just think of the word: Husband. Comes from Old English "hūsbonda," meaning master of the house. On a personal level, I find that word sorta creepy in our new millennium. Yup, I'm married, but I dont' like calling The Saint my "husband." In fact, I've been calling him my "boyfriend" for so long that it's almost silly. I also don't wear a wedding or engagement ring, and we met when I was on the "older side," meaning in my 40s. Before that, I was single and very, very content. But he wanted to marry, and I said yes...if he could promise me it wasn't going to be like a conventional "marriage."
So there are zillions of ways and people to feel and be "married to." I'm married and don't feel it one bit, thankfully. You're single and feel like you're married to 100 husbands. So what's wrong with it? Nuttin' at all!
I think you should continue exactly as you please, if that is what makes you happy. Believe me, the one day you don't like what's happening, you'll change it. You've come this far in your life by making your own decisions...don't let conventions, cultural precepts or OPD [Other People's Disorder] stop you from being YOU!
And finally, as for that "healthy relationship with one man.." egads, I don't believe those are fundamentally your words. My advice to all women is to stop reading "chick-lit," fashion magazines, watch those silly women's shows, Oprah or the Hallmark Channel. There's more nonsense and garbage perpetuated and cloaked in well-intended but insidious anti-feminist crap in all of the above than you can shake a stick at. I think what you are doing is very admirable, in that you are fashioning your OWN identity and adult development stage for yourself, despite the moralistic and cultural poison being thrown at women daily. I say go on, have your 100 husbands, have great sex and be merry. The day you want to change things, believe me, you will. It'll just happen naturally, trust me.
Nuff preachin'from this old hippie,
the Love Goddess
That was a tour de force.
MP: It's not only possible to have it all, you do have it all. Enjoy!
I have many females who I enjoy in this business (not 100's, but enough).
I also have a true love who is an escort (Bev F.).
Comparing the two is like saying you can't have apples because you like oranges.
We struggled what to name our relationship. The best answer was the most obvious: Lovers.
I hope LG's response will allow you to enjoy every facet and every nuance of your the wonderful life you have created.
I know I will.
Thanks again LG.
Thank-you. That's great. All of it!! Thanks. It feels good to be validated in my wierdness. : )
I had the pleasure of dating a Ph.D, sex therapist/author for six years. While I learned a lot during that period about the obvious subjects, the thing that shocked me the most was what I learned about the media. I guess I wasn't really shocked, rather it just confirmed all the bad things I'd already believed to be true about it. And the worst offender in the category, by far, were the "chick-lit" peridoicals.
My friend had written many books on the subject of sex so the women's mags (and some men's) would frequently call her for a quote. But she started to observe a very disturbing trend among the editorial staffs of these magazines. So bad, in fact, that she finally quit allowing herself to be used as a source by some publications in order to preserve her professional reputation.
The m.o. of the magazine was to call for a confirming quote on a feature story. Frequently, she'd have to tell the writer that either her premise was flawed, her conclusions weren't supported by the facts, or some other similar warning to prevent the writer from makig a fool of herself and misinforming the public in the process.
You would think this advice would be heeded. You would be wrong. Rather than correct the premise of the story (that was preordained by the editor and, therefore, untouchable), they'd change my friend's quote to support their flawed story! This happened over and over again by just about every women's magazine you'd find at the check-out line at the grocery store- you know, the same ones that women have bought and looked to for advice for many decades.
Interestingly enough, my friend found that the men's magazines, particularly Men's Health, were much better in this regard than the well-known women's periodicals. Perhaps because the men's mags typically focused subjects pertaining to having better, more satisfying sex. Whereas the women's mags tended to have some sensational story on how to catch, bed and wed a man that frequently sounded as if it had been hatched by Lucy and Ethel.
But as bad as the print media were, however, it was the TV shows that proved to be the real snakes- but that's the subject of a different post.
Hi Moorepassion,
I read many of the entries on your blog and you write beautifully! I found your honest heartfelt communication to be refreshing!
Thank you for your post and I think LG's advice and wisdom are right on! I found myself in your shoes for the past year or so. I so wanted my clients to be my friends and lovers, and for a while that worked very well. I loved my business, I loved my clients, but gradually I began having the same nagging feeling that a deeper need inside myself was not being met by these arrangements.
I too had the same fear:
"I am sometimes fearful that I am placating myself with my business...the blogs and subsequent communication with all of the many men in my life instead of opening myself up to a normal, healthy relationship with one man".
Over the past year I've had to do a serious self examination. What do I really want for my life at this particular moment? I realized that I did want a healthy equal relationship and that I would need to re-establish the boundaries of my "work" and unfortunately end some business relationships that went too far, to allow the space for a healthy relationship to come into my life. I can still have loads of fun at work and feel that I am providing a service/connection that is much needed in society, but I am now much more mindful of my time and I'm clear within myself that when my client leaves, the energetic connection is cut. It allows me to truly enjoy the "moment" with a client and have a proper life outside this business. I've come to the conclusion that friends are friends, clients are clients, and my partner will be my partner (if and when he shows up).
I hope this helps. By reading your blog, it sounds like we are on a similar path. Good luck in figuring everything out!
Be well
xoxo
Gina Marie
Wow, LG, I was going to post something of the same manner.
MP, I think you are very level-headed. And I think that you should do what works for you. I'm a VERY firm believer that there really are no set "rules" to this hobby; rather, it is what you make it.
Personally, I love what you are doing. I *want* to see a provider for more than just a sexual object. To be able to talk -- that is a different form of intimacy that most don't engage in.
I say, rock on!! I applaud your openness. It works for you.
-YR