BDSM has now become mainstream: the most recent example, a February article in Vanity Fair about the widow of the French novelist Robbe-Grillet who heads a leather family operating out of her chateau. The author of the article was Toni Bentley, a former New York City Ballet dancer who made her name as the author of a book--"The Surrender"--extolling anal sex. The risk you run, without asking specific questions of a provider, is that the provider may think that slapping you on the buttocks without actually knowing where to slap is sufficient. Nothing is as sexually gratifying as a competent Dominatrix who enjoys sex and has it as part of her routine. Nothing is a greater turn-off to an experienced BDSM participant than having to deal with an incompetent who claims to be a dominatrix. If you are a "newby" to BDSM and she is a newby, it may work out fine. But if you are beyond the newby stage, I would candidly ask questions about the equipment she has: at a minimum, you will want her to have a strap-on, vibrator, and dildoes.
Someone asked this on the Florida discussion board, and I thought it would be very relevant for the BDSM board. What does fetish friendly mean to you as a provider? Clients, what do you look for in a fetish friendly provider?
This was my reply to:
"So, I'm one of the ladies that advertises as fetish-friendly. Overall, it means that I bring an open-minded and nonjudgmental attitude to kinky requests. Many people shame those with fetishes as sickos and assume they are terrible people, which I don't think is true at all. We can't necessarily help what turns us on - and it's how we act, not what we fantasize about, that defines our morality. Say that someone has rape fantasies - I don't believe that makes them a bad person unless they actually rape someone. If they want to hire a provider to act the fantasy out consensually (using safewords etc.), more power to them!
When people have a kinky secret, it can be socially devastating if their partner or social circle finds out - so I enjoy offering a discreet way for people to bring those fantasies to life. Often, I feel like a therapist and maintain the same level of confidentiality.
Even if I am not willing to fulfill a person's *actual* fetish, I may be open to finding a way to meet that person's needs via talking dirty, role playing, or fantasizing together in a session. For example, if someone has an amputation fetish, I'm willing to talk dirty about cutting off their arm so long as it's crystal clear that this is fantasy.
Occasionally I find a gal with an interest in one or the other of these and indulge a bit since she is usually good at these, and I like to try out new things, but they are of tertiary importance to me
Interesting topic. 
I like this definition that I found online, where "fetish" refers to "a strong sexual preoccupation with an object, material or body part." Examples might include: a shoe fetish, a latex fetish or a foot fetish. The fetishist almost literally needs those things in place to get off sexually.
I would go one step further to say that fetishism is extremely specific. Even a foot fetishist might prefer women of a certain ethnicity, with a foot size/shape range from "this" to "that", toes shaped in a particular way, wearing a specific type of shoe, having either washed -- or not washed -- her feet for a predetermined length of time. As they say, the devil is in the details.
How TER uses "fetish" seems to be code for kink-friendly, instead of the actual meaning, but what you said about an open-minded and nonjudgmental attitude is really all clients are seeking. The sad thing is that so many of us think that we are freaks of nature when our kinks and fetishes are (relatively) common . . . or, at least, not that uncommon.
My interpretation of fetish-friendly if it was used in the correct manner would be that the provider is willing to engage in a certain activity during the session in order to please the client.
The thing about fetishists is that they tend to pre-fantasize in exacting detail, and anything that goes "off script" is going to disappoint them, so it is in the provider's best interest to understand what that "script" in the fetishist's head is and try to hit those specific marks
To me there seems to be 3 basic categories:
1) Hardcore Mistress: Generally offering full dungeon scene no sex
2) Specialist: This is a provider with a specific advertised specialty like prostate massage
3) Fetish Friendly: Is a provider who is willing to talk about your fetish to help the over all hobby experience.
As a client I would go for the specialist because I know it is what they are comfortable with, good at and they general have some recent reviews to give an idea of what things are going to be like. The hardcore Mistresses tend to have old or revenge type reviews because they are trying to stay off TER to keep things legal. The fetish friendly providers are willing to talk about it and work with you but in both cases you have no idea what your going to get beforehand.
A Fetish friendly provider maybe a provider who will assist in fulfilling their Fetish desires. I.E. Billybob has a balloon popping fetish and calls provider A to see if this is acceptable and she will indulge him. Provider A agrees and says this is acceptable to her. This doesn't necessarily mean she is experienced or a fetishist or has any working knowledge of his fetish.
A Fetishist who provides likely will have had some first hand experience and working knowledge of his Fetish and understanding of what that involves. That provider will want her guest to emote the same gratification she is able to gain when she fetishizes certain things. To engage one must have first hand experience.
A Femdom who provides depending on her bend which can be sensual will likely have first hand experience with many fetishes and will facilitate that fetish with experience and a level of pride. Often adding twists of sensuality and wickedness along the way. Each practitioner is different. Some gals are extremely strict in delivery and some are subtly stern and yet nurturing.
All practitioners just like guests are different. It's the knowledge base, skill set, and proficiency with which those are delivered that sets each apart.
Fetishes are becoming more socially acceptable, however they are still and F-word for many. We are keeping someone's secret that can be dark and could be embarrassing. While they may be hooting and smiling, this is as aforementioned definitely similar to a therapeutic release. They cannot share these passions at home, with friends, etc. They need this for gratification which is something many vanillas just do not comprehend. Whether it is boots, buns, or balloons.
Grace
-- Modified on 4/8/2014 2:53:43 AM
Every provider is different, so I would never assume it is always best to ask them. Some fake it until they make it & have no clue about BDSM they simply wing it until they get free training from their clients.
BDSM has now become mainstream: the most recent example, a February article in Vanity Fair about the widow of the French novelist Robbe-Grillet who heads a leather family operating out of her chateau. The author of the article was Toni Bentley, a former New York City Ballet dancer who made her name as the author of a book--"The Surrender"--extolling anal sex. The risk you run, without asking specific questions of a provider, is that the provider may think that slapping you on the buttocks without actually knowing where to slap is sufficient. Nothing is as sexually gratifying as a competent Dominatrix who enjoys sex and has it as part of her routine. Nothing is a greater turn-off to an experienced BDSM participant than having to deal with an incompetent who claims to be a dominatrix. If you are a "newby" to BDSM and she is a newby, it may work out fine. But if you are beyond the newby stage, I would candidly ask questions about the equipment she has: at a minimum, you will want her to have a strap-on, vibrator, and dildoes.