Delegate
A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.
Absentee ballot
A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.
Ballot
An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.
Caucus
The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.
Change
Can be found
In the air/wind.
At hand.
Inside us all.
Convention
The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.
Corruption
The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.
Debate
A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.
Democracy
A moderately representative plutocracy.
Diebold voting machine
A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.
Election worker
A male or female at least 70 years of age.
Electoral college
A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.
Hope
An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.
Likability
The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of shit.
Lobbyist
A better-paid legislator.
MoveOn.org
A company offering routine tests of your e-mail's spam filter.
Political consultants
Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don't have enough hair to run for office themselves.
Political philosophy, conservative
A great way to meet chicks at Princeton University.
U-S-A; e.g., U-S-A, U-S-A(!).
Political philosophy, liberal
An ideology steeped in a proud tradition of ineffectual whining.
Pollster
A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.
Voter apathy
The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.