Dear sifujeff,

Thank you for your most detailed and candid posting! The way I see it is that you can pursue a couple of alternatives to obtain answers to your questions and concerns:

"Would that help or hurt my relationship with the wife?" Only you will know the answer, after the first couple of episodes of hobbying. Will you feel guilt? Elation? Relief? Doubt? Resolve never to do it again, or do it again and again?

Now your other hypothesis: "If I'm relaxed and not frustrated maybe I can handle the lack of sex at home, and actually improve my relationship with her." My question would be, how do you propose to 'get relaxed?' The male sex drive is immensely powerful, mediated by mainly testosterone. To shut it off, we'd have to give you heavy antiandrogens. So you'll still be stuck with your drive - and they don't call it 'drive' for nothing. You will need find a very powerful relaxant, either within yourself or from outside sources, in order to get rid of the frustration. You'll need to sublimate and repress your desires, somehow. How, is the question only you can answer. Somehow, I don't think golfing or playing chess will take care of the matter...plus, the real question is, what are the health benefits of foregoing orgasms? None! In fact, for prostate health, it's definitely good to ejaculate as often as possible. And having continued dates with Rosy Palm isn't ideal either. You also need some oxytocin rushes and some plain old tenderness mixed in with sexual release, not just some tired mechanics.

In answer to the statement, "Tiffany did BBBJCIM with me, why won't the woman that supposedly loves me do it," I'd venture that it's 'Tiffany's' job and she does it for money. But who knows what Tiffany does for free? Maybe 'Tiffany' has the same problems at home! We've even had postings on this board from at least one provider who got her rocks off with clients, only to become anorgasmic with her "hot" boyfriend of a few years. It's them darn brain chemicals. I keep pushing that issue, because it's so true. Some brains are truly addicted to the dopamine rush of the lust stage; once the habituation phenomenon has set in, it doesn't matter if the guy is Brad Pitt or someone similar. As to being with "Tiffany," see above. We don't know the effect it'll have on your relationship with your wife, and above all, the relationship you have with yourself. Some men can't handle the secrecy aspect of cheating, it truly makes them feel bad. Others...well, witness this site, LOL.

The discrepancy in the male-female sex drive has been investigated and dissected endlessly, both on
this board and in this world. You state that your wife has some "sexual issues." We know how you feel about them, but how does SHE feel about them? I think that'll be your answer as to entering therapy or not. If she feels she's totally fine without all the sexual acrobatics, then no amount of counseling will help. She has to WANT to change. Many women are seriously disturbed by their lack of sexual enthusiasm, particularly if it's come after childbirth, or a long-term relationship that's lost its spark, etc. For such women, trying to get sexually excited becomes a goal, and they really do try. But if that's not on your wife's agenda, then I'd say there will be a looong frost, even with all the counseling your time and wallet can muster.

In addition, the birth of your son has surely altered her hormonal balance. Some women never regain their nulliparous hormonal makeup. It's as if they were primed for that one event - getting pregnant and giving birth. After that, goodbye sex. It's harsh but true. Of course, we don't know if she'll regain her sexual moxie 10 years from now, with someone else - but that's for her to investigate, should she so desire.

Surprisingly, many women have a 'sexual latency' period in their late 20s-late 30s, only to bounce back sexually, after they've gone through a divorce, the kids have grown a little, and her brain chemicals are primed and ready for a brand new man. And then the cycle can start all over again. Unfortunately, serial monogamy seems the best biochemical alternative for some ladies!

If you really, really want to get to the bottom of all this, depth-oriented therapy might not be a bad idea. You just need to reformulate your goals a little. The therapy should not be about your wife "defrosting," it should be about her learning to understand you and your needs, on a very deep level. And you understanding her concerns. Who knows, maybe she's not aware of them herself? Maybe she's never made an in-depth investigation of her issues? People who are unaware of themselves on an in-depth level often carry on in life without having a clue as to the effect their actions have on others. Since you say that you have "no desire for another relationship or a divorce," I think in-depth therapy might get your wife to understand that. It will also let her know what you require [and I do mean REQUIRE] in order for you to continue feeling that way.

Finally, marriage should not be a straitjacket just because you have a child and subscribe to the notion of nuclear family happiness. It should not be a sacrifice for some societal ideal. Far too many people are married because of financial obligations or societal pressure. But if your resolution is to stick with her, no matter what, then I still suggest hashing it out with professional help...hobbying or not.

Now the rest of the gang,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 2/9/2007 6:03:01 PM

My marriage of 25 yrs. ended about a year and a half ago when my wife, who was bi-polar, passed away due to an overdose of her depression meds. When she was in her up cycle, our sex life was ok, and I had no need or desire to hobby. Her down cycles however, lasted anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. I hobbied during these times mainly out of frustration, and basic need. I never told her about my hobbying. No point in kicking someone when thy're already down.     As I look back even from here, I can plainly see that were it not for providers, I seriously doubt I could have stayed with her as long as I did.    The hobby definately improved my relationship with my wife in that it provided temporary relief from pent-up frustration, allowing me to see things in a more real light.   I loved her dearly, but I also realized that she simply was not capable of meeting my needs, so I met them on my own terms. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty, and given the opportunity to go back in time, I would have began my hobbying career earlier.