Hmm, PITBULL1036,

I'm afraid I'm a little confused. Did you meet her under provider-client circumstances or are you saying you had no idea she was a provider whatsoever?

I'll have to pick a scenario, so this time it'll be the latter. Hence, here goes: After one year, you found out that she was a provider. You broke up with her, because you felt betrayed and a loss of trust. Now you can't get her out of your brain - and she can't get you out of hers. She won't stop calling you and she says she is "out of the business." Can there be any trust?

It depends on many other mitigating factors, and above all, how you view this "betrayal." If you can reflect outside of your own person and can take another's position, maybe you can understand why she didn't tell you about being a provider in the first place.

This interesting website notwithstanding, most reg'lar folks out there would NOT knowingly date a provider. Being a provider is very stigmatized socially, not to mention that it's actually an illegal job in the first place. Also, let's factor in the evolutionary psychology aspect of being a male dating a woman who sleeps with other men. In most relationships worldwide, the male punishes the female severely for straying. The fact that she might be collecting a fee for the activity, and that she does not invest the same emotions in the paid activity as she does in the for-love relationship seems to make little difference. We could go into why that is, with cuckolding, parental investment, paternity and other interesting evolutionary theories, but these are subjects for another posting. Let's just say that a majority of males would NOT approve, and would break off a relationship after finding out the above.

Nevertheless, this does not obviate the fact that providers are like any other women with hearts and minds, with desires for attachment, and capacity to give and receive love. Here is where you might need to take a step out of your own male brain and try to understand your chosen female. She may not have told you because she, just like you, may have an "addiction" to you and to the relationship. She may also not have wanted to hurt you, and of course, knowing that you would hightail it if you found out, she kept mum. Not unusual, some providers go on leading double lives for years without their SO's suspecting anything.

The point is, it's not so much about "trusting," as it is about understanding and empathy for the one you love. Do you think you can understand her motives? Can you put yourself in her shoes? Now, if you have the urge to think of yourself as 'forgiving,' you'll already be straying in judgment territory, and the exercise will be moot. What I mean here is, can you understand that she was so in love with you, or "addicted" maybe, that she did not want to lose you?

I don't know how much experience or insight you have into the world of providers, but it's very difficult to quit once you've started, for various reasons. For one, you have ZERO job security. If she quits, what will she do? Does she have any education? Does she have money saved so she can start a business of some kind? Inheritance? If she has quit, how is she living? Off savings? Unless she is a degreed professional, I don't see how she will be able to achieve the same salary and living standard as when she was providing - unless she was doing it very part-time and not really depending on these funds as her main income.

So, if she's saying she's out of the business - and she quit because of YOU - believe me, it's a great sacrifice on her part. [At this point, quite frankly, I'm more worried about her making it in the straight world than I am about you, LOL.]

I am playing a little Devil's Advocate here, but I would very much like for everyone to understand how difficult it is to bridge this gap of understanding and empathy versus a sense of betrayal. It's easy to feel wronged and betrayed, but to engender internal empathy is very difficult.

Of course, there are many reasons for why women get into providing. A woman with a "noble cause" of supporting an entire family back home, taking care of kids because the husband left, or some similar self-sacrificing story will always garner more sympathy from the world at large. A gorgeous young thing who mainly entered the biz because she wanted "the good life" is usually seen as more frivolous, and the world will frown upon her morally. And yet, once you dig a little deeper, you often find that such girls also have had less than optimal childhoods, no mirroring at home, various intrapsychic issues of which they may not even be aware of themselves, until they enter long term psychotherapy.

So back to you now. Can you have empathy for her and her choices? If you are able to reframe the issue, you won't find yourself so polarized and in an either-or situation that depends on trust-distrust dynamics. On the other hand, if this "addiction" is mostly sexual, then it's up to you to determine how much of an emotional commitment you wish to make for the future. That has nothing to do with her choice of profession. Frequently, people find themselves in torrid relationships mainly based on physical attraction in the first year of being together. Many couples cannot withstand the intrusion of mundane reality, once the passion wanes. Coming to that realization in itself is a process. Maybe you need to make that leap all the way to find out. And if you can't do any of the above and just want it over and out, then I guess you've answered your own question.

Good question,
the Love Goddess

Wow! What an excellent reply.  Your insite is outstanding. I love this forum.
Xeres