I've spent my entire life trying to be good, only to be told my every move is bad. Enjoying great food, the feeling of ecstasy, the desire for things you don't have, the yearning for knowledge, and the avoiding of people who do you wrong - were all wrong. Even stepped down from the worship team, because I couldn't stop thinking about sex! lol! The guilt was too strong, because of the words engrained in me for so long.

Why can't we enjoy the good things in life? I stopped grasping that concept after a while.

I had this MEAN urge to be a stripper seven years into my faith. Granted, the first seven years of my 20's, I didn't masturbate, think about sex, have lovey feelings for anybody, nothing! I didn't even touch my tits unless I was cleaning them LOL.  

But this man - oh, this man came around. He was wanted by all the ladies at my work, and he had this aura that paralyzed me. It tied me down and stimulated me. It disarmed me of all my christian defenses. And I masturbated in the shower for the first time in years. (Going forward, I went home every evening and masturbated the entire night.)

I wanted his energy SO bad, but I was afraid to take the plunge. He was a boss. He was powerful. He was older, seasoned, and sultry. And that was the beginning of my down fall.

I spent years ashamed of my sexual thoughts and attractions after that. Years! And I know I'm not the only one. Day in and day out, I hear people beat themselves up about seeing escorts. Or people hesitant to make the move. It took me 2 1/2 years to finally let go and analyze - why does this feel so good, why does it benefit me? Why does it help me learn about humanity, and the strong influence the need for sex has on the runnings of the world? WHY is sex so important to almost everybody (except some of your wives, I know lol)  

Why? Perhaps that is what I see in people, because I understand the urge. And even moreso, I understand when that urge is not fulfilled, be it due to avoidance for fear of guilt and shame, or simply because we were told it was wrong.

I've come to the conclusion for myself, at least at this point, that I'm all in, and I'm listening to my body, my mind, and my heart. Is it wrong? I don't know. But do I feel guilty? No. Do I feel ashamed? no.  

I feel proud that I can relieve in others what I so fearfully avoided, even though my body and soul cried out for it for so long. I feel like I've missed out and neglected myself of it's natural needs. And this past year has been the time of my life not only fulfilling that urge for myself, but for those evolved beyond the control of society and their clichés.

Thank you for listening to me. But most of all, thank you for being a part of teaching me my wants and needs, and allowing me to fulfill yours.

Now get over here and stop dipping your toes in the water. LOL.

-- Modified on 2/26/2016 9:50:41 PM