Dear Marco Solo,
It's understandable that you would have some hesitation about going to therapy. Many people often wonder how come others are helped by just "the talking cure." On the other hand, I believe that your issues go beyond simple apprehension. As you point out, you do have difficulty "trusting this." I suspect it's not just the therapy process that seems untrustworthy to you - it may be life itself.
It is precisely why it is good to enter into a relationship with a professional to learn trusting - not just in the other person, but in yourself and your choices. In essence, therapy becomes an 'emotional practicing environment.' You take in what you learn, emotionally and psychologically in session, and then go out in the real world and practice it.
According to the last poll in California, most therapists do NOT make a six figure income. A majority of therapists work in settings which accept insurance, or in clinics. Regardless, you do have some thoughts on the matter, and it is these thoughts that would be good to work on in therapy. How can you possibly trust that someone wealthier than you - anyone, not necessarily a therapist - can be of use to you? And no, a professional would never be so flippant as to make the statement you infer in your posting. Assessing for depression involves careful screening. In addition, a therapist will work out a concrete plan with you for making changes in your life. "Sadness" alone is not a criterion for prescribing anti-depressants, and no professional would be making referrals for prescriptions unnecessarily. Your symptoms will be carefully considered and discussed with you. Everything that occurs in therapy is with your full participation, and no one is able to 'order you around' or make decisions for you. Ultimately, you are in charge; however, professional recommendations is what you seek, and that is what will be given to you.
I believe that your part of your negative thinking is due to depression and the ensuing lack of trust. Another part is conditioning and defending against continual disappointment. The fear of entering therapy and the worry of not finding help is common, and a competent therapist can address this very effectively. As to the prescription, you will be given a referral to a collaborating psychiatrist. Therapists, even if they have a psychologist license, do not prescribe medications. In general, the psychiatrist is concerned with your symptoms of depression. S/he will not necessarily discuss your feelings about women in particular, but more assess how your mood in general is being improved by taking the prescribed medication. The therapist and the psychiatrist both stay in touch, in order to give you the best help possible.
Through your posting, I can see that you have health coverage. Your calling for a therapist IS confidential. There are certainly laws of confidentiality, and believe me, therapists observe them. The same goes for EAPs and other employment professionals.
You can find a therapist by going through your health plan or EAP. As to your symptoms, you can simply state that you are experiencing feelings of depression. No one will ask you specifically why. One in ten people in the US suffers from depression. It is nothing shameful or strange, it's a medical condition that manifests itself in mood. It is a legitimate mood disorder and no one will think it odd that you are seeking help. In fact, employers encourage their workers to avail themselves of help before it's too late.
As to a male or female therapist, it's up to your own preference. At this stage, I would perhaps recommend a female therapist, since you have had issues with women before, and there would be an opportunity to "work through" your feelings. The goal of the therapy would be for you trust a person of the female gender, with whom you could process your feelings of disappointment and loss.
If your health plan has a list of approved therapists, you may want to call from it. Talk to each therapist who calls you back, and assess your reactions/feelings when you talk to them. Do they sound nice? Concerned? Willing to help? Depression is a serious issue and most therapists are very concerned with helping. And yes, let's be "real." No therapist will judge you for seeing escorts. A competent professional will understand your issues from a much deeper perspective. Depression is a serious biopsychosocial problem and can even be deadly. Therapists take the issue very seriously. They deal with clients who abuse drugs, who try to commit suicide, who get abused or abuse other sphysically over and over, clients who commit and are victims of molestation, incest, mental trauma, people who are sex offenders, rapists, murderers, etc. etc. Visiting escorts is quite 'low' on the scale of major traumas/dysfunctions. You needn't be worried. Your depression will be of major concern though, since it's blocking you from taking action in major areas in life, trust being one of them. Your feelings of disappointment in women and in life will be addressed from a depth perspective. Anyone who would act flippant or judgmental is not the right person to practice psychotherapy, and you would know it fairly quickly.
If your health plan does not offer a list of therapists, please post your city/state, and I can help make a referral. Needless to say, you do not need to disclose on the phone how you found the person when making the initial appointment. If you find that you can trust the person, you can begin making disclosures gradually. A good therapist never 'requires' anything in that regard. S/he waits until the client is ready. It is part of the therapeutic process, and once you begin to trust the process, it will become easier for you to derive some benefit from your sessions.
Last but not least, I don't know what your health plan offers. I don't believe your issues can be resolved in 10 sessions. You may need to see your therapist for considerably longer than that. Yes, there may be an additional expense involved beyond what your health plan covers, but if the process is working for you, see it as an investment in your health and your future. Who knows, it may be just as helpful, if even more, than meeting with escorts at this stage. I do urge you to try, in order to feel better about yourself. Once you do, you may look forward to the prospect of life itself with some positive feelings instead of with bitterness and negative emotions.
Please let me know if you need a referral,
the Love Goddess
I've been on TER for a while. I originally joined because I was looking for companionship and sex.
I'm otherwise a pretty good guy and have most of my life together, but when it comes to women I've always been somewhat unattractive and not socially savvy and unable to get into relationships or even have an easy time meeting women in the first place. When I was younger I thought maybe because I wasn't an athlete or not popular or didn't have my life together, so I worked on myself and my life for years and put myself out there constantly but I've found women are so much more unforgiving and shallow than men could ever be. You might disagree, but that's my experience and it's been proven to me countless times. I'm not a deformed hunchback but I'm not the most attractive man either, and I do the best with what I have but never seems to enough. Think of all the ways a man can be snubbed, and I've experienced it.
I don't have bitterness towards women, I just wish things were different, but wishing for something doesn't make it real. I'm not lazy and put a lot of effort into improving myself, being social and putting myself out there all the time. I appreciate everything I do have and focus on being happy but it's really hard when I'm lonely and women who interest me will barely give me the time of day. I'm not picky or shallow and appreciate all kinds of women, but I never see the same interest returned to me, not even close. This gets very hard to deal with day to day, it's hard to describe to anyone just how much companionship means to be able to enjoy life, even the smallest things.
I hide the loneliness and sadness because it’s a big turnoff, nobody wants to talk to you when you have a look like the world is on your shoulders.
I've met some escorts through TER but stopped for a long time because it wasn't making me any happier. I felt comforted and sexually satisfied in a temporary way but when it's over nothing remains and I'm back where I was before.
I'm aware of the pitfalls some men have when they build up feelings for escorts and I've tried not to make the same kind of mistake, but there have been times I had those feelings and dealt with them because there was no other option. I am feeling it right now for someone and it's very hard to avoid. I know she doesn't feel the same, it's just work for her, and at the same time I can't ignore my feelings.
I know some advice I will get is "The escort scene is not healthy for you" but I don't know what else to do when the choice is between hopeless loneliness or at least sometimes a temporary feeling of being wanted and desired and cared for, even if it's an illusion. Some may say "So do it, at least you can be happy for small amounts of time" but I'm not wealthy and I can't keep it up for too long. What do I do when the money runs out?
I just don't know what to do. I don't even know what my question is, or if I have a question. I think I'm reaching out because if I keep this bottled up my head will explode from the pain. I brought myself up from poverty and see all around me people complaining in the worst way about mundane mediocre things, and I wish I could be in their shoes and trade their mundane life annoyances to know what it feels like to not have a pit in my stomach all the time.
If any advice comes from this please don't just say maybe I've just had some bad luck and try harder. I lost count of how many times I got myself to believe this, spent weeks or even months putting myself out there, going out with friends or by myself, to events, parties, clubs, and even classes, and got plenty of phone numbers and tried to make something of the women I thought I connected with, but nothing coming of any of it. I look around and see I'm doing nothing different than any other man and the only difference I see is I'm just not a great looking guy, I'm not wealthy, and I'm not the smoothest talker.
Also please don't say to try to enjoy life alone and something will happen on its own. I've heard that so many times it sounds like a cruel joke or just something meaningless to say to someone to avoid the topic. My eyes have been watering the whole time writing this because it hurts so much to talk about.
-- Modified on 12/23/2006 11:35:58 AM
Hey, It was a very thoughtful and personal email you put together. First, and not to put you off, I do think you should consider some professional advice -- a good psychologist or therapist -- most medical plans cover them and it is completely confidential. Just someone to talk to instead of pouring out into email. As a matter of fact, I would bring a variation of this email to your counsellor to discuss. Life is too short, and you are assuming that only the smooth talking, wealthy, great looking guys get the women. This is so wrong on you to assume. And, many great women are not smooth talking, wealthy, and great lookers. They are out there, and looking for a good, solid, intelligent guy like you. But, you need a shot of confidence. I've done therapy in the past, had depression similar to what you are describing, and a handful of "quality" sessions with a psychologist pushed me along in the right direction. He put me in a group session for a couple of months, and it was awesome. People just like me -- not wealthy, not great lookers, not smooth talkers. It was a great confidence booster....good luck.
-- Modified on 12/23/2006 12:51:28 PM
-- Modified on 12/23/2006 12:53:16 PM
Dear Marco Solo,
First of all, credit to you for being so self-disclosing and aware of your issues. That's truly the first step in changing your situation!
Secondly, as a mental health professional, I feel qualified and compelled to give you the same advice contained in the reply posting: Please begin meeting with a psychotherapist or a counselor to resolve some of these longstanding issues. You say that "just don't know what to do," and you also have a question, although you're not exactly sure of what it is. No one should really tell you exactly what to do, or give you a prescription for how life should be; however, a safe place and a competent, caring professional will be able to sort it out with you, at your own pace.
In addition, I would like to see you get a medical referral. It is entirely possible that your long-term feelings of unhappiness have created a serotonin imbalance in your brain, and you may need medication to help you restore and balance your mood. This is not something bad or habit-forming, but antidepressants can be very effective in clearing out the fog and indecision that is brought on by constant negative feelings and low moods.
As to "the escort scene," I think you have a good head on your shoulders, and you are aware of the pitfalls. As to meeting women in general: One good thing about the US is that there are people of every possible stripe and interest. The Internet has made it easier to find likeminded souls. You seem to be a very good writer! Finding spaces to hang out and write, about loneliness, about your life, etc. is possible. And yes, women do frequent those Internet sites as well. It certainly takes the pressure off people to be on display. Just this posting would definitely get a response, and I bet from more than one woman! But you have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy things, and from your posting, I'm not so sure that you are in the mood for anything right now.
Please check with your health plan to see what is offered. I believe things can change for you too, if you trust someone to help you out.
Let us know what happens,
the Love Goddess
I appreciate all the kindness in the replies.
I've thought about therapy before but I really don't know what's involved or the first thing on how to go about it.
One thing I think about is that I'll just be wasting money because I can see a therapist might help me feel better about myself but they aren't necessarily going to make me more attractive to women. I wasn't always this unhappy, but even in my past when I was able to be upbeat and positive inside & out I was not able to interest women. It never occurred to me I even had a problem but gradually getting older I started to see everyone I know meeting partners and having lives with significant others while I remained single.
What I'm afraid of is spending a while in therapy, getting on a prescription, spending money on all that, feeling happy for a while and then realizing that still nothing has changed, no companionship, sleeping alone at night. I would be doing the same thing with therapy as I had been with escorts.
Should I find a male or female therapist? I understand there should be no difference, but I think it might matter.
You can see my difficulty in trusting this, it's hard, and it took me quite a lot to share what I did here even anonymously.
I'm having trouble coping with the idea that seeing someone who likely makes a 6 figure income and undoubtedly fulfilling life can ever see my real issues and how to help me solve them at 1 or 2 hours each week. I think they will say "Oh you are just sad, here is a drug to take, it won't solve your actual problem but it will make you OK with having them."
How do I find a good therapist? Do I open a phone book, call a random office and just tell them "I'm an extremely lonely and unhappy person and I want therapy."? Do I have to talk about the escorts? Let's be real. I think they will judge me harshly for that and not have the same level of interest in my mental care. How do I bring this through my health coverage and keep it confidential? I know that there are confidentiality rules and all that but most people I know are blabbermouths and I don't need the added anxiety maybe making me feel even worse.
Dear Marco Solo,
It's understandable that you would have some hesitation about going to therapy. Many people often wonder how come others are helped by just "the talking cure." On the other hand, I believe that your issues go beyond simple apprehension. As you point out, you do have difficulty "trusting this." I suspect it's not just the therapy process that seems untrustworthy to you - it may be life itself.
It is precisely why it is good to enter into a relationship with a professional to learn trusting - not just in the other person, but in yourself and your choices. In essence, therapy becomes an 'emotional practicing environment.' You take in what you learn, emotionally and psychologically in session, and then go out in the real world and practice it.
According to the last poll in California, most therapists do NOT make a six figure income. A majority of therapists work in settings which accept insurance, or in clinics. Regardless, you do have some thoughts on the matter, and it is these thoughts that would be good to work on in therapy. How can you possibly trust that someone wealthier than you - anyone, not necessarily a therapist - can be of use to you? And no, a professional would never be so flippant as to make the statement you infer in your posting. Assessing for depression involves careful screening. In addition, a therapist will work out a concrete plan with you for making changes in your life. "Sadness" alone is not a criterion for prescribing anti-depressants, and no professional would be making referrals for prescriptions unnecessarily. Your symptoms will be carefully considered and discussed with you. Everything that occurs in therapy is with your full participation, and no one is able to 'order you around' or make decisions for you. Ultimately, you are in charge; however, professional recommendations is what you seek, and that is what will be given to you.
I believe that your part of your negative thinking is due to depression and the ensuing lack of trust. Another part is conditioning and defending against continual disappointment. The fear of entering therapy and the worry of not finding help is common, and a competent therapist can address this very effectively. As to the prescription, you will be given a referral to a collaborating psychiatrist. Therapists, even if they have a psychologist license, do not prescribe medications. In general, the psychiatrist is concerned with your symptoms of depression. S/he will not necessarily discuss your feelings about women in particular, but more assess how your mood in general is being improved by taking the prescribed medication. The therapist and the psychiatrist both stay in touch, in order to give you the best help possible.
Through your posting, I can see that you have health coverage. Your calling for a therapist IS confidential. There are certainly laws of confidentiality, and believe me, therapists observe them. The same goes for EAPs and other employment professionals.
You can find a therapist by going through your health plan or EAP. As to your symptoms, you can simply state that you are experiencing feelings of depression. No one will ask you specifically why. One in ten people in the US suffers from depression. It is nothing shameful or strange, it's a medical condition that manifests itself in mood. It is a legitimate mood disorder and no one will think it odd that you are seeking help. In fact, employers encourage their workers to avail themselves of help before it's too late.
As to a male or female therapist, it's up to your own preference. At this stage, I would perhaps recommend a female therapist, since you have had issues with women before, and there would be an opportunity to "work through" your feelings. The goal of the therapy would be for you trust a person of the female gender, with whom you could process your feelings of disappointment and loss.
If your health plan has a list of approved therapists, you may want to call from it. Talk to each therapist who calls you back, and assess your reactions/feelings when you talk to them. Do they sound nice? Concerned? Willing to help? Depression is a serious issue and most therapists are very concerned with helping. And yes, let's be "real." No therapist will judge you for seeing escorts. A competent professional will understand your issues from a much deeper perspective. Depression is a serious biopsychosocial problem and can even be deadly. Therapists take the issue very seriously. They deal with clients who abuse drugs, who try to commit suicide, who get abused or abuse other sphysically over and over, clients who commit and are victims of molestation, incest, mental trauma, people who are sex offenders, rapists, murderers, etc. etc. Visiting escorts is quite 'low' on the scale of major traumas/dysfunctions. You needn't be worried. Your depression will be of major concern though, since it's blocking you from taking action in major areas in life, trust being one of them. Your feelings of disappointment in women and in life will be addressed from a depth perspective. Anyone who would act flippant or judgmental is not the right person to practice psychotherapy, and you would know it fairly quickly.
If your health plan does not offer a list of therapists, please post your city/state, and I can help make a referral. Needless to say, you do not need to disclose on the phone how you found the person when making the initial appointment. If you find that you can trust the person, you can begin making disclosures gradually. A good therapist never 'requires' anything in that regard. S/he waits until the client is ready. It is part of the therapeutic process, and once you begin to trust the process, it will become easier for you to derive some benefit from your sessions.
Last but not least, I don't know what your health plan offers. I don't believe your issues can be resolved in 10 sessions. You may need to see your therapist for considerably longer than that. Yes, there may be an additional expense involved beyond what your health plan covers, but if the process is working for you, see it as an investment in your health and your future. Who knows, it may be just as helpful, if even more, than meeting with escorts at this stage. I do urge you to try, in order to feel better about yourself. Once you do, you may look forward to the prospect of life itself with some positive feelings instead of with bitterness and negative emotions.
Please let me know if you need a referral,
the Love Goddess
I've dealt with depression most of my life as well. My first experience with a psychologist was, to put it lightly, crap. He and I were of completely different generations with completely different outlooks on life. Nothing I ever did, nother I wanted to achieve was right; according to him, I was living my life wrong. According to him, I should have been out drinking, partying and dating; never mind that I told him that I don't drink; that I don't like crowds, drinking, drunks, smoke, and noise; or that there really wasn't anyone who interested me. I think it all just went in one ear and out the other. Eventually he told me that I had two choices in life: a nervous breakdown or suicide. It took me three months to get that out of my head because, up until then, I had the mistaken belief that, as a professional, he knew best. I got myself into the mindset that he was an effin' moron and did what I could to get out of there.
About five years ago, some disturbing images repeatedly came to mind, images of me eating a gun. I didn't know who I could talk to but I knew I had to. I hit the Yellow Pages and lucked out - the therapist I found, basically the first one in the listings, was a very relaxed, very talented, and very open counselor. He knew how to get me to open up and guide me along.
His wasn't the only help though. I hadn't had a physical in years, so I wanted to cover all bases, especially given some other symptoms that I had been experiencing. I found out - actually confirmed - that my body had gone diabetic and for months I had gone around in a mental fog. As my blood sugars levelled out, the images faded and I began to feel a lot better about myself.
And about four years ago, this same counselor and a prescription for Zoloft helped me through a suicidal depression.
I wish I could recommend a good reliable way to find a counselor, Marco. If you have some good personal friends, people you can count on, perhaps they might be able to recommend someone.
Or maybe you should go in for a medical exam. The doctor might find something in a blood work-up and, if he's someone you've known for some time, maybe he can recommend a suitable therapist for you as well.
In the meantime, don't worry about being friends with other people, okay? Be friends with yourself first.
Good luck, take care, and take it easy.
-- Modified on 12/24/2006 3:52:27 AM
I thought finding the right therapist would be the hard part. But, when I put my mind to it, and got over the hump of deciding I wanted to at least see what could happen with professional therapist, here's what I did. My company had an EAP (employee assistance program). I called the number, and spoke to a wonderful person who listened (I was generic) and gave me 3 referrals. I also talked to my primary care physician, and he gave me 2 referrals (he's known me for 8 years, and has a sense of who I would work well with), and, lastly, I rang up the lawyer who helped me through my divorce. He became a friend during the divorce process. He said he had a great referral. I got the phone numbers for all, played some phone tag, and eventually spent (free and anonymously) 10-15 minutes with all referrals. Believe it or not, the lawyer's referral felt like a best fit. And, it really helped. The key, I do believe, is trust. You do need to open up with this professional, so comfort is key. Trust me, the problems you mention, while so important to you, pale in comparison to the sessions your chosen professional is spending with other patients (people dealing with terminal cancer, abusive spouses, addictions, loss of loved ones, etc). Sex and intimacy and loneliness are actually very easy topics to open up on, and the insight shared back can be amazing. I hope you can make the next step to start the search for a friend. Nothing Ventured, nothing gained.
When My wife began therapy about 20 years ago, I was just a dumb ol' farm boy who thought counselors were for crazies. My first few sessions were very apprehensive, to say the least. After I learned they were not 'out to get me', I found it easy to share my feelings and concerns. Never once did I ever feel judged, or thought less of. Basically, they pointed the way, and I chose to walk down whatever path I wanted to, at my own pace. They really helped me understand what my wife was going through, I don't think I'd have a shred of sanity left without them. I work for a small company, insurance covered most of the cost, as far as I know, no one ever knew about any of this. I've come to know a few therapists personally over the years, outside of the office, they're basic, normal people. They never talk about their patients. They talk about their kids, how cold it is outside, stuff like that. People who would look down on you for your condidtion are really not the kind of people anyone would want as friends. Most people, if they knew, would be caring and compassoinate. Give it a shot, you have very little to lose and very much to gain, once you've started, you'll be amazed at how easy it is, and how much it helps.
The last thing women want is someone needy and desperate. The type of vibe you want to give off to women is: "I don't need you and you're damn lucky I'm showing any interest in you at all. I might or might not call you." It's a paradox. Women do respond better to being treated like crap by an asshole, at first at least, than being treated nice by some limp dicked guy. One the hand, escorts prefer to be treated nice, but they're not really romantic prospects.
I'm not a counselor, or anything like that, but I stayed married for 25 yrs. to a gal who was bi-polar enough that she took her own life at 47. Your description of your feelings sounds somewhat familiar, especially the temporary feeling of comfort, only to feel bad 2 minutes later. There is a stigma associated with counseling that says it's only for nut-cases. It was true....50 years ago. Not so today. I'd bet alot that more than half the people that post here have benefited from a good therapist. Some of them GREATLY. When my wife was diagnosed as bi-polar, about 15 yrs. ago, counseling and medication helped her tremendously. Like night and day. It took about 3 or 4 months, but what a difference! The hardest part is the first step, which you've taken about half of already. If someone would have told me 20 years ago what a difference counseling and medication can make I would have laughed at them. Having watched a person I loved dearly go through it, I'm certainly a believer now. Sure, it can be rough at times, your life is pretty rough now, though. Once you get into it, you'll be amazed at the difference. Best of luck!
then I found a councilor (actualy got forced by a friend to see one at almost gunpoint) and the rest, as they say, is history.
My councilor was a man with a background in Zen meditation. It worked wonders for me, but perhaps another path is for you.
The way to find a councilor is by networking. Talk to everyone you know about it and something will open up. If you're lucky you may get marched off to one like I did just so that I would shut up about it.
Lots of people see therapists. Many of them are excellent. When a person knows an excellent therapist, they can't wait to tell other about them.
As always remember...be careful what you wish for, you may just get it. I did, for better or for worse.
This was the first thing that my therapist told me. Ten years later I was married.
General comment: This is the best thread that's ever been up here.
You sound like me in several ways. I too suffer from this problem, though I don't think I am as bad off as you think you are. Please don't thionk I am belittling, as I am not. I do know how you feel. But something does stand out to me that I don't believe has been discussed. You say that you are not that attractive. What is it that is not attractive about you. Are you overweight?(my problem btw). Just not that good looking? If it is something physically unappealing to women, you may want top examine some avenues in that direction. You seem like a very articulate person, who is making strides to improve himself in the eyes of others. If you want other people to think your attractive, you must try and think that you are attractive. Remember, physical attraction is a small part in being an "attractive person". A person that YOU want to be attracted to you will like you for what you are as a person. Looks fade, money is lost even faster, but the mind is the most powerful equalizer to any physical attraction or monetary status. I hope you take these observations as being constructive, as they are truly meant that way. Seek out some professional help, and the best of luck to you.
To Love Goddess:
If there were a way to private message you I would tell you where I live and would welcome a referral. If that's not possible, I'll research my options through my health care provider. My options might be a little limited with them, most of the behavioral professionals in their network seem to focus on substance abuse or early development, I couldn't find any which cater to adult well-being.
To bigliguy:
I had to think about this because it's not so simple as to say I'm physically repulsive or anything like that. I'm healthy with no diseases and on paper there is nothing wrong with me medically or genetically. I might be too intelligent for my own good, perhaps sometimes that's been to blame my failures but really it's more of a positive.
I can't put a finger on it but my looks are simply not attractive to women, and even before I open my mouth, I can see it in their eyes. When I was young the only compliments I ever got were about my eyes, and even then just by good friends.
First of all I'm 5' 3". The average American man is over 5' 9" and it seems where I live it’s even taller than that. Everywhere I go I'm towered over by other men and a lot of women. To add insult to injury women my height or shorter always seem to go for men in the extremely tall range like 6' or taller. I'm not making this up, anyone who is very short like me will see this every day. The women who are average height or taller never give me the time of day, or awkwardly try to avoid me, and the shorter women seem to want to overcompensate by focusing only on very tall men.
The other part of it is my looks are far below average. Even with good health and a good body, I'm overlooked all the time, if not for my height but by the fact I've never met a single woman who ever said anything nice to me or about me, and never consider me a real option. This is not in my head, I've even been privy to a couple of emails from girls I was interested in and thought I had some chance with saying to another girl that basically I was ugly. It’s one thing to think it and have doubt that maybe it’s just in my head, but to see it written about me twice that I know of it’s like a dagger in my heart.
Of everything I can change about myself, I can’t change my height and I can’t change my face. I would give anything just to be average. Average looks and average height. At least then the good things about me can shine and my outward appearance won’t get in the way.
To everyone:
I thank you for your encouragement and thoughts. I'll be looking into therapy soon. It's difficult to have hope in something but I will try to have hope it will help. I will share what happens. As I write this I do have a wish that the help I seek will not just make me feel better about a bad situation, but somehow improve my situation.
The greatest hope I can muster is that my sadness at being alone can be healed and that it's my own demeanor, personality, anxieties and feelings which keep others from me and feed a vicious cycle. If I can heal that, then my hope is I could begin to draw people in, especially women and hopefully a real companion, rather than cause them to withdraw from me. I hope that the world is a kinder place than I see it now, and the fog Love Goddess talked about can be lifted enough to help me see a way to something positive.
Dear Marco Solo,
What a thoughtful and INSIGHTFUL reply! I have made it a policy not to send PMs on this board, but I am attaching a therapist finder link from the Association of American Marriage and Family Therapists. At least it's someplace for you to start.
As for the therapists in your network, don't hesitate to contact them. They are all trained to help with your issues, even if they list substance abuse as their primary focus on the list. The most important thing is that you find someone with whom you can develop a trusting relationship.
I am very glad that you are willing to take active steps toward healing,
the Love Goddess
Heya Marco
Like I mentioned in my previous post (at least I think it was the one in this thread (g)), I also suffer from depression. One thing that helps me keep it in check is to not treat it as a disease or a condition - but as a parasite.
It creates that vicious, self-defeating cycle. People see the depression in you and give you inordinate attention, which feeds the depression. Or people see the depression in you and give you a wide berth, again feeding the depression. The depression wins and feeds, and you lose and starve, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
For me, even though the vicious cycle is very true and very real, it didn't give me a place to fight the depression. Seeing it as a parasite, I can visualize it and I can fight it. It's not a perfect solution, no, but it does help me and I hope it helps you.
Take care.
I know exactly how you feel, in fact I could have written this message. I am disabled which make sit even harder to meet females. I used to have girls ask meet out all the time but never found the right one or my job got in the way. Now it has been 12 years since I have had a girlfriend or a second date. Join dating websites and other things and don't find anybody or nobody wants a disabled man. I did go to a therapist 5 years ago who basically tried to make me confident and told me to get out there and look. Did not find a woman but medicine and talking with her improved my attitude and depression for a couple of years. Two years ago I had a beautiful girl ( a 10) 20 years younger than me flirt like crazy with me and I was told fall in love with me but she would not go out with me when I asked her out. She called my house and hung up when I answered for ten weeks. A year later when I saw her she just stared at me so I asked her coworker and was told her boss told her she could not date me. She was a nurse at my doctor's office. I became really depressed, had to have surgery which made it worse and my surgeon sent me to a counselor who was no help. Finally I changed doctor's so I would not have to face her again ( she got pregnant and engaged in the year I did not see her). I went to a pain clinic where i was sent to a behavioral counselor (female) who has been a great help for my confidence and depression but I still am lonely and miserable. Just want somebody to love. I don't even have many friends anymore. It is hard when You don't work. My advice is to get help. Talking is very beneficial, you will not be judged. See if you can get some medicine , it will help. I also can't stand when people say she will show up if you get out there or if you stop looking. Even worse when people tell me to be happy with your life and being single and then somebody else will find you. All bull. Get help and try to find some friends or hobbies. friends might lead to somebody. Don't beat yourself up or think you are not worth somebody. I know that a female is missing someone great and it is their loss, but I still can't stand the thought of being alone all my life. Also know Christmas is the worst time of the year for depression and single lonely people. What you are dealing with is normal and can be helped. I guess my best advice is to smile ( that is attractive no matter what youy look like) talk to every female you can ( practive makes perfect, don't worry if they are single or somebody you would be interested in) just be nice to people. It will make you feel better. Girls do notice a lack of confidence and negative attitudes. Also try to find things you are good at and spend time doing that. I got asked out a lot when I worked because I was good at what I did and girls found that attractive. Volunteer. I am 46, don't know your age but look for a way to work with children ( single mothers are looking for good decent men). I would suggest a female counselor so you can get the practice of talking to a female, they are more sympathetic also. GOOD LUCK and keep your head up. This was a good start to acknowledging you need help.
I appreciate your very candid and revealing post. At times I have experienced deep loneliness and sadness. I had a recent episode where I had very intense suicidal feelings for the first time. And this was just after a very great time with an awesome escort. This was several months ago.
My conclusion from the journey I'm on is that this is a spiritual problem. I read a quote from Blaise Pascal, famous mathematician, that said something like this: "Within each person is a void that only God can fill." That means not even having a wife or S.O. will make you feel complete. I can attest to this being married for over 10 years now. You can have a S.O. and still feel lonely.
I started to ponder upon this and so far this is my train of thought. If God truly is my Creator then He must be the only One who can fill my void. Not to say we don't need human relationships. We're social beings but we all have a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle in our hearts. For me, HE has been the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle of my heart. Anyway, I'm starting to go to a Christian church and its helped me. Music is contemporary and pastor seems down to earth talking about real life problems. I'm on a journey to renew my spiritual relationship with Jesus. I still have up and downs but they're not as intense and there are times when I feel whole. Anyway, just wanted to share my journey. Hope you don't take it as preaching. I'm far from perfect and nver will be. Just one traveler sharing with another traveler stories of journey. have been like.
Check out a local church that a friend goes to. It wouldn't hurt. But start your spiritual journey somewhere. I also think Love Goddess' advice is worth taking. I've been very impressed with the practical wisdom she's shared on other posts.
I'll say a prayer for you tonight. I think many on the boards can relate with you. Endure the journey so you can enjoy the journey.