If you throw a party, the worst thing you can do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say, 'hey, I had a really nice time'. This is a mistake. you'll be in the unfortunate position of being expected to throw another great party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious about a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level. For your benefit, I have included the following festivity level guide:  
 
Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Secret Santa gifts are distributed, tactful stories of youth are exchanged and everyone goes home early, still able to drive.  
 
Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly, sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "white Christmas" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Guests are inebriated enough to liberally use the f word and tell politically incorrect jokes. Keys are confiscated and at least one person ends up sleeping over in the bath tub.  
 
Festivity Level Three: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "La bamba" and "dick in a box" gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments that look like gingerbread cookies, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. The bath tub gets filled with ice and becomes an extra cooler for all the extra beer someone has gone to 7-11 at midnight to procure. No one sleeps over because everyone is still awake at sunrise.  
 
At this point, I should mention You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three MAXIMUM, unless you rent your home OR own firearms, in which case you can go ahead and skip straight to Level Four.  
 
Festivity Level Four: Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies and the furniture, are performing a ritual dance around a burning Christmas tree and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party, and all of the listerine in the house. The dog is on ice in the bathtub, covered in tinsel. The piano is missing, so are you're grandmas teeth. Your boss is naked.  
 
If level four is successful, the police will knock on your door at least once. If level four is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to be respectful and pretend you don't know anything. Be sure to assure them of your innocence by telling them that you, personally, are not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle the police.  
 
Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"  
You: "No."  
Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."  
You: "About the drugs?"  
Police: "No."  
You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"  
Police: "No, the noise."  
You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"  
Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"  
You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, your guests hang out the window screaming, "Justin beiber, validate my fucking parking!!". They wiz past the police and out the front door and onto the lawn where the car smashes into a tree. The Eight passengers tumble out onto the grass, laughing. Your boss, naked, pees on the tree so it won't catch fire.  
You: "See, officer. Things are starting to wind down already."  
 
If you properly throw everyone else under the bus but yourself, you will have handled the cops, and mastered a level four party. It may be smart to set aside bail money for your friends and family and although expensive, keep in mind it's still cheaper than throwing a fucking holiday party every year for the next 10 years. Consider it an investment in your future. If your resolve falters, remember that a TV dinner paradise awaits you filled with immense joy, because there are no guests about to entertain and otherwise fill your halls with bullshit.  
 
If you properly execute a level four party, no one will ever come to your house again. Leaving you free to enjoy your eggnog and Netflix in peace on every holiday for years to come. On the off chance you have the kind of friends and family that actually ENJOY a level four party and wish for a repeat next year,  you must treat them like cockroaches. They are Impossible to get rid of unless you move, or poison them to death.  
 
If you poison them to death, that's considered a level five party. The only level five party ever hosted without repercussion was in Texas, and one should consider ones geography before putting rat poison in the egg nog.  
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I hope that was helpful  on your journey for peace this holiday season but if not, I cordially invite you to Come let off some steam before you eat so much food you can't fathom having your pants off anywhere but the bathroom. ::Baum-Ching:: not one of my stronger jokes, I admit... But hey, it's more difficult to be funny in text so fuck off, I'm trying. How else am I going to get your attention?  
 
I'm only available two days this week do I'll keep it short and sweet.  
 
I'm downtown tomorrow, Wednesday the 25th near state and wabash and Thursday morning I have room for one appointment before 10am. It would be nice to get in some romping time before have to go debate guns control issues with my redneck relatives from Florida whilst pretending to eat potato salad that I am really giving to the dogs under the table.  
 
And if you're not free Wednesday, and you aren't in a turkey coma on Sunday, I'm free downtown after 2pm  
 
If you are still reading at this point I thank you for your attention. I put some new photos up on my site in my new SELFIES PHOTO GALLERY and I'd love it if you took some time to check it out  
 
 
For booking please go through my site or email [email protected] or the booking form on my web  
 
     A few quick and jazzy things to note:  
 
**** I am a busy gal, and I do not check my email every day. Therefore, same-day appointments are not recommended. I know you know this already.... Because every provider has it on her site. But seriously though... Book the day before at the latest (-sincerely, every provider on the planet)  
 
**** You MUST have pervious provider references and/or a TER white list, p411, rs2k, date-check or some other reputable screening service membership. No exceptions. Newbies, please sign up for rs2k at roomservice2000.com before requesting an appointment. It's painless, I promise.  
 
**** Please take the time to tell me a little about yourself and include all of your screening information in your first email. I delete every email that does not include an introduction.