That's terrible news, and as a cancer survivor I can only say I'm really pulling for you.  A few thoughts:  are you sure you need surgery if you're not sure it's cancer?  Make sure your doctor is someone you're really comfortable with,so get a second opinion if you have any doubts.  Next, you can't always count on friends and loved ones.  The books say tell people so you'll have a good support group.  I told people and most of them seemed to be uncomfortable dealing with it, although after I'd survived many came to me for advice.  My wife was there the first day and the day I finished treatment, but in between she wasn't so great.  I had to get through it by myself, but emerged stronger for the experience and not bitter about the lack of support.  There are no ironclad rules on this, it's what you're comfortable with.  But I think you're right in telling "Kevin," but give him a chance to deal with it internally before making final judgment on his reaction.  Next, please be aggressive in your own treatment -- keep your spirits up, continue to exercise within whatever limits the doctor sets, do things to keep yourself cheerful, but realistic at the same time.  For me, the worst part was at the beginning, when I wasn't sure what treatment to choose (surgery or radiation) and whether I'd survive.  Once into the radiation, my morale improved -- the best supporters were the doctor and the technicians.  Use your time with them to talk to them as much as possible -- they'll really be pulling for you.  Anyway, back to Kevin -- you have a right to expect support from him, but try to be patient and let him work out the best way; be frank with him, don't be afraid to ask his support but don't whine.  Be tough, loving and strong and you'll come through.  It ain't easy, but you can find the strength within you to cope, and if Kevin loves you he will find a way to give you the support you want from him.  I'm sure everyone on this line is with you.

I'm guessing you will be flooded with moral support from this board.  Count me in as well.

My first advice is don't panic like we did.  I went thru this with my wife 2 years ago.  You hear the word "cancer" and just assume the worst.  Won't bore you with details, but modern medicine truly has come a long way.  She did end up having a mastectomy (by choice), but we're told the chances of re-occurence are slim, and my wife loves her new boob job.  We met many other breast cancer patients throughout the process.  All have excellent prognoses.

As to "Kevin" not talking about it:  That probably isn't emotionally healthy.  But I was just the opposite.  I was scared shitless, and obsessively talked about it.  The more we learned about successful treatments, and the more I realized that I was depressing my wife by constantly talking about it, I finally calmed down.

Dear sweet as sugar,

First of all, it's very nice that you have found your true passion, workwise. Let's hope that you continue enjoying what you do.

The fact that you also have met a wonderful man, and you are worried just as much about him as your condition is a different story. The physician has said that it's not cancer, so let's all rejoice on that one. I'm assuming you are talking about your breasts, but if it's other body parts, they are just as important!

As to if "Kevin" will or wont be able to handle this, well, that's the true test of how "wonderful" he is, no? If he really does love you, your illness will not push him away, it will bring him closer to you. Yes, some men don't say much, but instead, they are all action. Let's hope he's one of those. Only time and events will tell.

One thing you can do for yourself, if it's at all possible, is not worry so much about what Kevin thinks at the moment. What is important right now is for you not to add any additional stress to your life, because it will only make your condition worse. Also, how did your doctor know that you "have to have surgery," if she couldn't state an exact diagnosis?

Many times, it is indeed best to go and see a specialist. Sometimes, it's even better to get a second opinion. A former client of mine was all ready to get on the table to have a mastectomy, only to find out from the second specialist that they had misread her results! So try not to project into what your first doc surmised, and wait until you have seen the other physician.

If you feel that you can't handle the situation at the moment, I would suggest seeing a therapist or a counselor. Your doctor can probably refer you to someone who is trained to deal with crisis situations. Sometimes talking to friends is enough, but due to their special work circumstances, providers very often do not disclose their professional status to even close friends. This can create isolation when something difficult or emotionally sensitive happens. It would be good for you to get immediate emotional support beyond this board.  

And as far as Kevin goes, let's hope he will be there for you if you need him to be. You may be fearful of asking him to, only because you are worried about losing him. But that is the only way you will find out if he really does care for you. You are right, these are two emotionally stressful situations converging upon you right now. That is why it's so important to be able to talk about your feelings and not have them bottled up. Please see someone professional, even if it's just once.

My best wishes for you,
the Love Goddess

When I was quite young (just out of college) I had a girl friend whom I was head over heals about.  Then she had an bad ache in her armpits and it turned out to be leukemia.  For months I stayed by her side while she went through Chemo, etc.

What happened between us is that she "assumed" that she was no longer "good" for me, even though I very much loved her and wanted to stay by her side through all of this.  In the end she ordered me to go and not ever come back because she could not bear to "ruin" my life.

I didn't know what to think.  I was young and I moved on, but my point is, if you really love this guy, and he is a good guy who will see you through thick and thin, do not create a self-fulling prophesy and drive him away, as I was.

By the way, my girl friend did come through the disease just fine (last I hear about twenty years ago, anyways.)

As for support, we are always here and always listening.

Hey Sugar.  

Good luck with the next set of opinions.  I hope things work out for the best.

It sounds like "Kevin" is still on that business trip.  Part of the quiet you're hearing from him might be not only him working to process everything but a frustration on his end because he isn't with you right now.  He might not be a talker in a crisis but, like LG suggested, a man of action; he might just want to hold you right now.

Please, just give him time; give him a chance.

Dear Sweet:  Your message I could not pass by.  The advice you have been given here is excellent:  first, see doctors until you have some degree of confidence in what you are told and believe you have a doctor who understands you. It is amazing how much they differ and how much their attitudes can make the difference.  Second, of course you and your illness, if you have it, comes first.  Always act for yourself; this is the time to treat yourself best.  Third -- the hardest part -- you should expect to find your frieds rearranging themselves in a different order than you would now put them.  A friend of mine who is very well known  and has many, many firends but who once spent months in the hospital recovering froma bad injury told me that he found that there were two kinds of friends -- those who visited him in the hospital and those who did not.  If you have cancer and have to spend a lot of time in treatment, you will find the same thing -- as I have found.  The consolation is that when it is all done you really know something about who is worth something and who isn't.  Finally, there have been tremendous improvements in the treatment of cancer in recent years.  Chemotherapy can, despite these improvements, be very difficult to go through -- but it ends. My very best wishes to you. Be strong; fear not.  Green Street