I agree with you, rocdoc,
You probably do shoot in the dark a lot quicker! Studies have shown that men and women process visuo-sexual cues differently. When the lights are on - literally speaking - a man will have a stronger sexual response, due to the visual stimuli he is receiving from looking at "bit parts" of the body, such as breasts, vagina, etc.
But in the dark? Hmm...some guys just shoot their wad fast, for lack of interest.

A woman is a little different. For one, women don't all like it when the lights are on. Some, thanks to our relentless media that just gets worse and worse, women have shame about their less than 'perfect' bodies. Particularly when women hit middle age, or after a few kids, some women feel downright bad about themselves, which of course contributes to shutdown sexually. Also, most women respond more to sensual touch, even in non-erogenous zones, rather than to sharp, visual cues. Just looking at a penis - particularly a penis that she's seen 100 times over - generally doesn't excite a woman. Not the same way a man is primed to look at a vagina and get hard. Women need tactile and sometimes even verbal stimulation - even completely non-sexual at times, in order to get sexual. Paradoxical, but true.

We have debated women's waning sexual interest in other threads; I say it's biological, combined with various stressors. A woman who's got a couple of kids, a full-time job and chores to do at home isn't that primed for sex, rest assured. And that includes a majority of American women - not the cartoonish housewives of Wisteria Lane, mercifully.

Of course when you're with a provider, not only are you 'tasting fresh meat,' to put it animalistically, but you're also with someone who
a)is trying to please you 100%
b) a professional who knows how to do it between the sheets
She may be very skilled at drawing things out a bit, teasing you, scaling those erotic arpeggios, skweezing your lemon 'til the juice runs down your shaky leg [LedZepped again!] And that, indeed, makes you into a more ardent, and above all, ENTHUSIASTIC lovemaker.

Now what to do with the wife? BBrain above has a good point - physical, non-erotic but sensual contact such as cuddling and massage. But then again, as you've pointed out, you've tried gently, which I assume may have included hugs and little kisses? Or?

But in reading your posting, it seems to me that your wife isn't refusing you as much as she is content with doing things the same old way. I really believe you need to discuss this with your wife in a very open and frank manner. You're 42, unless she's much older than you, she's at least grown up in a fairly modern sexual climate. So ask her the same question you're asking here: 'How can [I] last longer in bed, with your help, since I love making love to you, and it's too quick for me?' Let her feel that she is very, very appreciated and that she's the person you would most of all wish to hit the sexual stratosphere with. Also, ask her what SHE wants. What would make HER have a more interesting sex life.

These are simple questions, but you'd be surprised to find how many couples do not discuss sex openly and without emotional hangups. Talking about sex should be like having a discussion about who gets to take out the garbage -and hopefully, that's on a traumatic issue . But many people hem and haw, even when talking to someone with whom they've been partnered with for years. I say, get it out there. Talk freely about penises and vaginas, where they go, how they get there and what you can do to make the journey more interesting. It's almost like having a 'sexual conference.' And finally, don't forget to talk frankly about your feelings as well. How frustrated you feel, and how you think it's impacting your sex life. Try not to blame, but try to engage in both people building something constructive - like a better frame for your sex life.

I realize this is all very difficult. Many women do check out, sexually, after childbirth, or even just a few years into a relationship. Let's hope that she gives you some frank answers. As to your dreaming about more time in the saddle, let her know that it's one of your top priorities. Heck, you're only 42. Unless you get divorced, you've got at least another 20-30 years together. That's a loooong time to be writing a sexual script. Let her know that she can be the director for all eternity - if the movie could just be a little more action-packed and graphic.

Be frank, see what happens,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 8/30/2006 6:56:44 AM

Today.   I understand what is being suggested, and I agree to some extent.   My wife and I do discuss sex openly, although not often, and the problems in our sexual relationship reflects the other problems in our marriage.   In short, I am not able to give her the non-sexual stimulation LG suggests.

That said, I have one caveat about LG's suggestion of open communication.  Obviously, my wife does not have the skills of the providers I see, she cannot compete with them in the beauty/body department, but she could at least stimuate me physically the way the providers do.  Here she says that she does do what I request in these frank discussions.  I am afraid she is clueless about her faults in this area because she thinks she does what she does not do.   Different perceptions are often the problem, and open communication may not solve it.  But there is certainly no harm in trying.

...that pesky latex cover that clients are relegated to using during our extracurricular adventures? For better or worse, I have given up trying to make my domestic sessions longer and more exciting. The wife is not comfortable talking openly about sex and prefers that the dirty deed be done quickly, neat and predictable. In my case, home sex - which occurs only 3 to five times a year anyway - is more for her enjoyment than mine. The result is that my hobbying has gone from four to six times a year to more than double that in two and a half years. Fictionally speaking, of course.

They just lose interest...and this is a turn-off.

It is the simple truth.  When my wife is in the proverbial mood, the sex is long, great and better than any provider has ever been even though her rose has faded a bit, I still see her as the hot 25 year old she was and not the almost 50 year old she is now.  The problem is we bicker, squable, and heck, I am no longer 25 either.  A provider is new, often younger than the wife and either genuinely or willing to act interested.  Of course it is different.  

If anyone ever figures out a way to get the wife back into it more than 5-10 times a year, let me know.  At almost 50, I still can do it every other night!