Oh my, pilgrim2,
That's certainly a mouthful to digest!
Now let's pretend that we're in the therapy room, and you just told me all this. What would I ask you? In terms of answers, you can just mull on them for some time and the solutions may come to you entirely on your own.
1. Are you interested in working on your marriage at all? You need to establish that way before taking off with Mademoiselle X.
2. Do you think it's the mystery about this woman that adds to the attraction? The fact that she MIGHT be a provider? In which case she would be perceived as very sexual [and indeed, you state that she is] and therefore completely opposite of the person you are married to.
3. You are too afraid to ask. Why? Are you afraid of finding out the answer? Would it make her different in your eyes if she were a provider? Would that detract from the possibility of having a long term relationship with her?
4. "Do I throw away my marriage TO TRY and be with SOMEONE LIKE THIS?" Well, do you? She's thrilling and exciting, but what's hiding behind the facade? I'd say that she's not really communicating the feelings you want her to communicate. So you're not really getting what you want from her...but she is getting something from you..what is it?
5. Now, as to "I can't imagine life without her," that may be because she's like a carrot dangling in front of you. It's like playing slot machines. In psychological experiements, the way to really hook people is to make rewards intermittent and yet unpredictable in their delivery. So she's your emotional slot machine. Can you fathom that concept?
6. Should you try this hobby? Should you? Only you can answer that. Who knows, you might meet someone else who really IS a provider and then you'll fall for her...and at least you'll know what animal trapped you.
Now my 2 cents: I'm leery of the imbalance in the relationship. You feel that she's not upfront with you, and yet she has had a "transformative" effect. That's pretty big. But I still believe there is a lot of projection and phantasy going on in your relationship with her. As to what she is doing with you..well, she's controlling you. Not necessarily in a bad way, but she knows what an effect she has on you, and it's probably very pleasing to her. IF she is a provider - and we don't know that for a fact - then maybe she sometimes feels that she's not in charge when it comes to modulating male-female relationships...and maybe she needs to be in charge, for whatever reason. And if she's not a provider, the very same could apply.
My dear pilgrim2, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with this woman and find out the truth. It's important, because so much of your emotional life is wrapped up with a person who's got you by the proverbial cojones. Ask her, point blank, and then figure out what to do next. But, since she's said that she "loves" you [as a platonic friend that she does semi-sexual things with???] but will not commit to a relationship, I'd say drop her before you get really, really hurt. And start assessing how you can solve your financial situation so that you won't be trapped in a loveless marriage just because of "money issues."
Yep, there are plenty of variations on this theme out there,
the Love Goddess
First off, I’m 48 and I have been married 18 years but since the birth of my daughter 7 years ago, sex and intimacy have disappeared. Add to that serious conflicts over what each of us want in life have seriously strained my marriage but money issues have kept me trapped so far.
A couple years ago I hired an absolutely gorgeous women to work temporarily as a sales person. She was actually not very good at it. But was she was very good at was talking to me, pulling out personal info about my life and feelings and giving me emotionally what was lacking in my marriage. I could not afford to keep her working after the one job but she continues to spend a lot of time with me as a close friend.
She was so kind and caring that it changed my life and in just a couple years so many things have improved for me. No point in going into all the details. I am still amazed how being with the right person can have such a transformative effect. Of course I fell totally in love with her and she knows it. Sometimes we get pretty drunk together and on those nights sometimes we end up making out but no sex. She has told me she loves me but will not get into a relationship with me now and will not commit to one even if I get divorced.
The thing is, she is very mysterious. Always giving out conflicting info about herself to people. In 4 years she never had a steady boyfriend, never had a good paying job, lives as a roommate with others (does not want to live alone because she doesn’t feel safe) Over the past couple years I started noticing things. I won’t list them all but the bottom line is I am now almost positive that she works as a provider. On those drunken nights she has come very close to telling me this. So far I have been too afraid to ask her directly.
Thinking this lead me to investigate this business and I have learned a lot from this web site. Her personality fits perfectly with the way guys talk about their providers and what they get out of them. I am really sure she does this and so now I am asking myself a lot of questions.
What is she doing with me? Does she think of me as client or does she have genuine feelings for me? Do I throw away my marriage to try and be with someone like this? I can’t imagine life with out her but the emotionally pain sometimes make me think the best thing would be to stay away from her (this is actually difficult as she has integrated herself into many aspects of my life)
Perhaps because most of her relationships with men are for money she uses me as a surrogate boyfriend. She is so sexy that now all I think about is sex and I am not getting any! And now after spending time on this site I am now thinking I should try out this hobby just to satisfy this void in my life.
I am so confused, ever hear of anything like this?
Oh my, pilgrim2,
That's certainly a mouthful to digest!
Now let's pretend that we're in the therapy room, and you just told me all this. What would I ask you? In terms of answers, you can just mull on them for some time and the solutions may come to you entirely on your own.
1. Are you interested in working on your marriage at all? You need to establish that way before taking off with Mademoiselle X.
2. Do you think it's the mystery about this woman that adds to the attraction? The fact that she MIGHT be a provider? In which case she would be perceived as very sexual [and indeed, you state that she is] and therefore completely opposite of the person you are married to.
3. You are too afraid to ask. Why? Are you afraid of finding out the answer? Would it make her different in your eyes if she were a provider? Would that detract from the possibility of having a long term relationship with her?
4. "Do I throw away my marriage TO TRY and be with SOMEONE LIKE THIS?" Well, do you? She's thrilling and exciting, but what's hiding behind the facade? I'd say that she's not really communicating the feelings you want her to communicate. So you're not really getting what you want from her...but she is getting something from you..what is it?
5. Now, as to "I can't imagine life without her," that may be because she's like a carrot dangling in front of you. It's like playing slot machines. In psychological experiements, the way to really hook people is to make rewards intermittent and yet unpredictable in their delivery. So she's your emotional slot machine. Can you fathom that concept?
6. Should you try this hobby? Should you? Only you can answer that. Who knows, you might meet someone else who really IS a provider and then you'll fall for her...and at least you'll know what animal trapped you.
Now my 2 cents: I'm leery of the imbalance in the relationship. You feel that she's not upfront with you, and yet she has had a "transformative" effect. That's pretty big. But I still believe there is a lot of projection and phantasy going on in your relationship with her. As to what she is doing with you..well, she's controlling you. Not necessarily in a bad way, but she knows what an effect she has on you, and it's probably very pleasing to her. IF she is a provider - and we don't know that for a fact - then maybe she sometimes feels that she's not in charge when it comes to modulating male-female relationships...and maybe she needs to be in charge, for whatever reason. And if she's not a provider, the very same could apply.
My dear pilgrim2, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with this woman and find out the truth. It's important, because so much of your emotional life is wrapped up with a person who's got you by the proverbial cojones. Ask her, point blank, and then figure out what to do next. But, since she's said that she "loves" you [as a platonic friend that she does semi-sexual things with???] but will not commit to a relationship, I'd say drop her before you get really, really hurt. And start assessing how you can solve your financial situation so that you won't be trapped in a loveless marriage just because of "money issues."
Yep, there are plenty of variations on this theme out there,
the Love Goddess
all for your thoughtful respnses. Love Goddess you have given me a lot to think about. And Rockhard, I think your statement is right on. I have backed off a lot on my pursuit of something sexual with her. I can be her friend.
I think to have a "real" relationship with someone doing this would be difficult, if not impossible for me. The main reason I am afraid to ask is the fear that she may not be comfortable with someone in the "real" world knowing this and disappear from my life. But she has given me such strong hints I think sooner or later this wil come out.
I guess I should be happy. Guys could be spending hundreds of dollars just for an hour of her time and I have had thousands of hours for free. Ok, so I not getting sex, but I can see there is a lot more to this business than sex.
This site, and board speciifically has really opened my eyes.
sounds like your ex-employee is an escort and you're her pal, friend, emotional support.
IF she is an escort, she doesn't need a sex partner, she needs a guy or a friend for everything else, which you are as it sounds like.
I'm sure if you asked to be a client or really pushed it to have sex, you'd lose her and what you have established in your relationship with her.
You're right that you're the boyfriend and you're everything to her except the intimate boyfriend, she gets the sex from all of her clients.
Ever heard of anything like this?
Not your whole same situation but yes it's more common than you think
RH
...it sounds like she may associate sex only with men who don't really care about her and with performance for money. Too bad!
Heya Pilgrim
Personally, the first thing I'd try to do is step back and evaluate this friendship. Are you trying to get your view to fit the facts, or are you trying to make the facts fit your view?
The lady might not be a provider. She could just be an extremely good (and possibly habitual) listener. I pretty much grew up with one woman who was, to put it politely and bluntly, a crisis-of-the-week. About the only time I'd hear from her was when she had a problem, and, silly, stupid me, I'd dutifully listen, insert the appropriate nods and grunts, and even offer some advice at times. I did this for probably 20+ years and have been shutting her out the past few years, strictly for my own peace of mind. But it's also become engrained in me. A couple weeks back, during my vacation, I was just going to give a guy I had never met before rides from the airport to his hotel and the convention center and wound up listening to his marital problems. A couple months ago, a masseuse I had never met before cried in my arms about school and her academic future. A few years ago, a simple "Nice weather tonight" after work turned into three hours of listening and holding a girl as she vented and cried about her life in Minnesota. Some people are just...pathological listeners.
I also share other qualities that you describe with this lady - never a steady girlfriend (hell, hardly ever a date nowadays), best paying job has been pizza delivery (well, okay, that and the financial printer that laid me off), and I can't afford to live independently either - and I'm 44.
None of this makes me an escort. (Although if the right lady asked, I might seriously consider it - even at a discount rate (g).)
Best I can suggest is: 1) Take a little time off to clear your head, especially from any make-out sessions. 2) Think twice about asking if she's an escort. I don't know anything about her sense of humor but if she's a civilian, she might (and probably will) take offense. 3) Treat her to some time without the problems and without the petting. She might open up a little bit more, when she's ready. 4) Just enjoy the friendship; that might be all she wants at this point in time.
-- Modified on 8/30/2006 12:41:28 AM