I'd like to see more funny stories like this.

Did She Give You The Package?

Or did she decide to experiment?

Glad y'all liked the story.  

Led Sunday school classes. She was a prim and proper as a southern lady could be. She told the dirtiest jokes you ever heard LOL. It was strange to hear her tell the jokes and even stranger to wonder where she heard them.

Back in College, before the Internet, you could only order stuff through actual paper catalogs (you ordered these from the backs of magazines).  If the magazine was Penthouse or Playboy, then those catalogs would contain spicier items - usually shipped in plain brown cardboard boxes.  No Amazon Fulfillment labels, just a return address.

The young woman I was dating back then was into BDSM and a pagan. I was a good Baptist but we were having fun. I found a few items for her Christmas (there was no Holiday gifts then) and thought I'd do Just Because for her. Besides, those items would arrive in time for Christmas. One box was a knick-knack usual gift you'd give almost anyone and the other box came from A&E in NC with a variety of sex toys. I was going to be out of town for Christmas, so I thought I'd just ship the gifts to my GF Mary.  

2 Problems with my plan.  
1) GF Mary lived in 1012 (a basement level apartment out of view of most others). She had a neighbor also named Mary, married with kids to a long haul trucker. They lived in 1021 (main floor apt.) and were really nice folks. Such a nice loving family, doting on each other and their kids - idyllic 1950s style;
2) USPS doesn't hire the most competent people.

Unbeknownst to me, Mary 1021 received both boxes intended for GF Mary 1012. Worse, 1021's hubby, George, opened the packages from me, with the A&E plain brown box having the message "Looking forward to New Year's Eve." Add to this, George then canceled a contract to be away on a haul for NYE. I knew he was a nice man, but I soon realized that George never touched his family in anger.  

I arrive in the parking lot on NYE and was quickly greeted by George. George had a trucker's build. Medium height but his shoulders looked as wide as he was tall. Barrel chested,almost muscle without the bodybuilder ripped look. His hands were large and thick skinned for a man his size, His fists reminded me of the larger cantaloupes you saw back then.  

Apparently, George was really looking forward to venting his anger all over me. Before I could greet him, my nose ran into a Nolan Ryan fastball. It came out of nowhere and I was on my arse. This was not a fight, this was a Man defending the Honor of his family. I now consider myself fortunate from the aspect that back then Men were Men and used fists not firearms.  I never stood a chance. My best efforts were purely defensive as the neighborhood soon witnessed Kosh getting a beatdown. Wife Mary 1021 ran and got GF Mary 1012 - who promptly dialed all 7 digits to the police dept (after looking it up on the inside cover of the phone book).

The cops got a bit of a laugh as we all gave recounts of the beatdown. George had kept knowledge of the non-affair a secret from his wife, allowing his anger to build to crescendo upon me. The gift boxes were soon located where the big reveals of that both USPS and George had been negligent reading and delivering to the correct address. George got to spend NYE in jail, I got to spend NYE with GF Mary in the hospital (I was not as coherent as I thought I was, I was actually concussed and held for observation) and eventually had our fun with the A&E toys.

George and Mary made all kinds of amends to me. I mean they paid my hospital bill and everything. I could not bring myself to press charges and deny kids that kind of Dad.  
I'd likely do the same, though I am incredibly thorough about reading shipping labels.

Good post, Stina. Thanks for reminding me of what I can remember.

ga_kos